I drove too close to prickly pear tore off left mirror cover

 my post completely disappeared including title.  i'm sure I saved it.  

7:30 seniors

driving is now work.  it used to be a pleasure.  a privilege.  now too much traffic, too many bad drivers.  it's a j o b.

my first day driving.  I stopped at sprouts and bought a dinner sandwich 1.99, giant artichoke 99 and celery bites 99.  I consider 2 chases I'm not ready.

waiting on mekennon driver 7:05 am call-got car home safe 2:30 pm

3 messages from Carlos yesterday 2-5.  car is ready.  i called him today pedro called also i offered carlos $100 to arrange drop off and test drive to his garage then deliver to senior center or garage.  i don't know.  i'm not overly anxious to drive.  it's become a job.  like cooking.  

I have check book $2000 to Pedro.  already paid $500 cashed 10th.  Carlos said Pedro increased to $3000.  I left Pedro's check with Carlos.  he'll call him.  

Pedro notes 3/20 Wednesday towed car $120 Delgado towing, $1000 parts, $1000 labor, the $500 for welding fixing frame.  Tuesday 3/26 10:30 am verified Pedro repair costs with Carlos.

I walked to mission which I wouldn't with a car.  I'm not missing the car except for laundry and specious shopping.  i'm not missing the car.  

Mekennon to seniors and maybe cup-Marissa-Kuben home

I've become my mom, afraid to drive.  well, afraid of being hit.  being hit explains a lot of her behavior.  her brother, my uncle, was horrible, beating on my cousins.  it seemed normal.  mom was so violent.  as a child I didn't question her behavior it was all I knew.  I was just surviving.  her fear was her karma.  

Hopper is inconsistent and unreliable just like my family.  but Hopper eventually comes through not the family.  Mekennon drove to seniors, cancelled cup ride.  Marissa loaded my gym case in the trunk.  Kuben too.  

my legs, feet, hips are so sore and stiff.  Lhosa gave me 5 Sara Lee bagels like candy.  more sugar than onions on the wrapper.  great for dessert I've eaten 3.  

7:33 feeling lonely waiting for marissa driver.

I walked to nob hill 6:30 for deli salad none so I bought 2 chili Verde and 1 EVOO.

i'm never alone even when I think I am.  so feelings can be wrong.  they were when I married.  lamb to the slaughter.

i'm planning my week.  I have movies to pick up at mission by 25th and 1 overdue at county 26th plus 9 movies tomorrow.  

I have 2 repairs at home.  Melvin offered a ride home.  I enjoy watching people.  Fred is my new delightfully silly brother.  I always wanted a huge family.  I always felt I was wasting time being.  I had to be doing.  being is doing.  doing is not being.  

bartolo called, back from vacation said he was back to work fry day.  I still have to get to the bank. 

I was still hungry after lunch I made spam and egg rice at 3 pm.  4 pm nap time.  

I'm watching movies I missed

taking care of the family.  doctors, hospitals, keeping the peace.  24/7 for my life.  I lived a life sentence 'til sisters betrayed all of us including themselves.  cheaters cheat themselves.  

lemmings are a legend.  they don't really commit suicide.  only people do.  

I walked to nob hill

I saw meme.   no burritos.  I filled water.  walked the store bought some tortilla chips and tiny drink samples.  auto update is working.  now it stopped working at all.  must be a virus.  oh, well.

heated and ate castle burgers.  perfect with chips.  napped 3 hours.  I never imagined i'd live this long.  the best time in history to be old.  social security, pensions, medicare, social services, public transportation.  being old could be better.

waiting for hopper-tiron home

6 more minutes.  Kueenthiran.  doesn't know what his name means.  I'm always amazed when people are not curious.

with unlimited funds i'd retire and spend my time meditating.

I called Peter / Pedro I think he said one week.  I called Carlos he'll confirm.  

I kinda do and kinda don't want to drive.  57 years is a long time.  like I don't care for cooking 65 years.  boring.  eating is still fun.

i'm healing my chronic family depression

such a horrendous stomach ache.  like 2001.  agony.  I have tools.  I ate a bach rescue pastille from sprouts.  I stayed motionless for half an hour 'til the pain subsided.  I drank pink grapefruit juice back then instant relief by accident.  it was all I had.  I have packets of instant immune pink grapefruit add to water I bought at Walmart years ago to help me today.  

i'm watching '10 things I hate about you' a remake of Shakespeare's 'taming of the shrew'.  smart and funny.  I watched it on TV because I saw part of it in the 'i am heath ledger' documentary.  

every day a new me-drivers Danilo and Ramon

'good burger 2' entertaining and smartly stupid.  

i'm trying to research performers and search won't work.  

I'm walking to mission to pick up holds with hat and shoes.  an hour walking and living my life.  picked up 3 and 2 more appeared.  

I took my car, driving where I want, when I want for granted.  I resented parking and walking.  I avoided busy times.  being chauffeured is great.  I'm dropped off at the door.  

i'm going through the fridge.  I found some chocolate, tossed dried out cream cheese packets.  

marie driver am hernan pm

Brian showed up in the tub.  he has Tues off from school.  he resents Biden from 1991 credit card changes.  how absurd.  so now I know what's holding him in place.  

I like going home early and relaxing.  watching my game shows.  lunch very good.  Thomas, Fred, Toki.  

i'm trying different fonts.  

I napped 4-6.

early kueenthiran driver small bus

good day.  I kept it simple.  the chicken wrap was quarter cup raw onions.  no left over chili.  

fred gave me mariner's (?) windbreaker with inside pockets.  some team.  

I feel ok

I'm not sore today.  my feet are a little tender no blisters as I feared.  a good day for self care.  I'm feeling restless.  usually when i hurt myself over doing.

start TV is showing 'medium' marathon 9 am going to 6 am tomorrow.  21 hours.  I don't think i've ever seen the pilot.  generally syndication repeats the same shows.  I found the entire series at county.  I can watch without any commercials.  I can take hopper to cup for pick up and drop off 'all creatures'.

i fixed lime rain jacket.  zipper broke yesterday.  i still wore it under my short sleeve fishing shirt.  motivated to categorize my zipper collection i had one 28.5 separating white zipper.  took maybe an hour to remove the broken one and stitch in the new.  i used large stitches in case i have to reuse it.  

excellent twice vit D-3605 starbucks-mekenna driver

trip planning to Sunny library I realized I can take the hopper to the local 22 bus on El Camino.  first I thought of lucky's drop off then gym then Starbucks is in front of bus stop.  hurrah!!  coming back I cross ECR at Halford.  

Mekenna drove a huge van the size of a small school bus.  22 bus every 15 minutes.  driver didn't charge me.  walked to library sprinkling rain.  I puzzled and rested.  11:30 I started walking to the bus stop across in front of Michael's.  $1 to Halford Lawrence.  I walked across to big lots then lucky's.  I bought four 69 cent Tina burritos and got my free Texas bbq sauce  then I figured I could walk in the time a car could pick me up in 30 minutes.  I wore the wrong boots.  next time my hiking boots.  I did it.  

3 pm nap attack.  half hour I was refreshed.  

tam on time

I walked to nob hill 6:30 am.  I bought white castle chicken sliders, cheese, 2 dozen eggs for $12.88.   called hopper 7:26.  

i'm researching bus.  Google maps has way better bus schedule and transportation options.  I'm printing free details.  I hope they're accurate.  woo hoo!!  even if I never take the bus I'm proud of myself.  I'm traveling without moving.

lunch with Toki, Fred, Mike, Florence.  I sat with Jane in the fireside room when Melvin offered ride home.  I'm so sleepy from allergies.  home 1 pm I heated the slider.  I set out salad to room temp.  I diced spam with poppy seed dressing.

I found a new route to the sunny library taking hopper to lucky's then 22 bus $5.50 round trip.  

called 7:05 mekenna 7:30-40 finally

he's cancelled my ride many times.  after swim I went to computer room 10 free copy pages/ day.   I researched bus riding for hour and half printed 2 maps.

Jane makes me laugh.  she carries the roller instead of rolling it.  I didn't want to sit at table 10 again all this week.  I chose table # 4 with Toki, Fred, Jane, 2 strangers.  I got extra zucchini, beans hamburger.  Jane and Toki talking about big target sale.  I asked for a ride Jane took me home too.  I bought sale raw sunflower seeds using my e gift card from last year.  Jane's worked at Target for a long time.  she knows everyone.  she's so personable.  1:45 just in time for person, place or thing game show at 2.  

i'm feeling so relaxed and sleepy.

tam 8:30

i've been barely surviving.  i'm learning to thrive.  the lily in the mud.  

melvin home from seniors.  I'm resting for riding the bus.  

i'm ready to live

I was so disappointed in 2001.  mom died, she taught my sisters to hate everyone especially mom and dad.  I was terminally depressed.  didn't help I broke my back caring for ungrateful people.  mom always considered me stupid for caring.  she called me stupid to my face repeatedly.  she taught my sisters to be cold and callous so they wanted her money and refused her.  I was so saddened I considered the family tradition of suicide.  but if you don't resolve issues in this lifetime you have to come back.  suicide is an insane, self defeating attempt at revenge.  it's an accusatory 'look what you made me do.'

so it's a last resort.  I called Peter/Pedro 10:14 for update on car repairs 'got check $500 waiting on parts'.  gas is over $5/gal.

I had Ramon 8:30 and Michael 12:45 driving me today.  I decided not to hang around.  so much lunch leftovers.  Andy, Toki, Fred, Jane for lunch companions.  so pleasant.  

oh my neck and hip

power outage for half hour no TV to ignore pain.  I know how to distract myself.  I can't tolerate pain.  massaging helps a tiny bit.  decompressing my lower back distracts me a tiny bit.  pain is exhausting.  exactly one hour power out.

T iron actually showed up morning.  going home he and Ashley cancelled after an hour.  luys booked we'll see.  maybe they went home.

typical day seniors.  lunch ok.  Andy, Trudy, Kenny, Toki, Thomas, Fred, Mike.  some days a full table other days scarce.  

luys on time home 6:30.  hour and a half waiting.  I don't mind.  I can entertain myself.  I think I should care.

i'm researching riding the bus

i'm embracing where i am right now.  i walked to nob hill there's a bus stop on the corner.  it's all in figuring out the street names.

i just spent 2+ half hours

searching for the spot.  i took it out of my pocket, put it on the pillow next to me.  when i went to charge it i looked through blankets, took apart pillows, recycle bag 3 times.  i decided no tv 'til i found it.  looked in heal my life for the root cause.  i've always been attention deficit from autism.  it's why we're so pleasant.  we can't remember to hold a grudge.  nothing on confusion next best dizziness "i am deeply centered and peaceful in life.  i am safe to be alive and joyous."  i wrote it out 3 times and remembered i'd loaded my supplement container for the week and it had fallen into the box.  relief.

i feel good.  i used to feel exhausted.  not driving has allowed my back to balance.  i didn't hurt myself.  

watching '10th kingdom' i realize the evil, cruel, vicious mother is traditional.  the good mother is the exception.

i'm watching saturday night live kristen wiig.  i haven't stayed up this late for tv in years.  

danilo driver/hernan-marissa/ramon

good day.  good drivers.  

i made a HUGE mistake.  i let walter mess up my chrome.  he said i needed a gmail account to load via hopper.  i believed him.  wrong.  library no down load.  i trusted the chicken man because i wanted to.  i was waiting for hopper to take me to safeway for mac salad.  i walked across to library to pick up spot.  

marie driver we went nob hill rest room

pouring rain.  we bought clearance soda.  good time to shop.

swam, lovely uneventful day.  carnitas good.  i decided to go home early.  marissa driver.  rainy and feeling the strain.  1:30 'love boat' resting.  2-2:30 'person, place, or thing.'  i put out trash and recycle.  3-4 'people puzzle'.  old noir films.  'cry wolf' 1947 barbara stanwyck, errol flynn, richard basehart.  

watching 'wheel' i decided i don't like old hotels.  too busy and distracting.  i prefer plain and simple.

i keep thinking it's friday.  i don't know what i feel.  i checked hopper charges.  slightly weird.  

booked kushy ride-joanne showed up on time

i called to ask designated destinations anthem Gabby said the only limitation is one destination per day. 

lunch ok.  i feel like running away, i will.  1 pm i'm ready for home.  auto update i wave cursor voila!! 

i must have floated over bold.  no i didn't.  no idea what happened.

ramon scheduled for 1:15 now 1:30.  right on time.  

bartolo called leaving tomorrow returning 20th.  oh, well.  

didn't feel like doing anything-MAIL PICKED UP

chrome didn't either.  locked me out.  carlos called 12:34 to request check for pedro.  i offered to write and give from senior center.  pedro shy preferred mail.  didn't pick up yesterday.  i wrote life ins. too.

danilo picked me up.  i told him lawyers' referral for legal questions.  his ex is marie.  2 nice people.  i like praying for people.  i wrote card for inge and passed it around.  jess said they put together goody bag for inge and i can add my card.  

i'm contemplating banking.  not today.  i forgot short senior hours.

terrible language block.  hopper sending pick up to santa clara st.  not fremont.  i dreamed i was driving my car.

haha wouldn't open-april fool

happy easter

most important easter in my life.  everything old is stripped away.  i'm eating beneficial herbs maybe why i'm sleeping more.  detoxing uses a lot of energy.   

i walked to nob hill.  used the wi-fi connection.  took my time.  perfectly cool.  bought slivered almonds.  home at 11:30 for lunch of rice, curry chicken and canned yams.  so perfectly delicious.  

i'm charging chrome

and playing healing.  i'm doing what i know to do.  and i keep asking for direction.  i have faith god is all powerful.  

i've never been in this condition.  all my friends are in the same boat.  we are all relying on the kindness of others.  we're all old.  

depression is a logical symptom.  i suppose younger people don't think of aging.  

i walked to nob hill encouraged meme to go back to school.  i bought hard boiled eggs and p chips.  i cooked brown rice and heated curry chicken.  

forgetting is not forgiveness

today's daily word.  i don't know why i'm still here.  i think we're here to forgive ourselves and families.  

yesterday i napped 4:30 pm, woke 8 pm missed wheel, slept 'til 2 am watched movie, fell asleep 'til 7:30 am.  the only thing i took 4 total beets.  

i walked to nob hill to buy chips and salad.  bartolo and adele were working in the yard.  he's so bored.  i took my chrome and updated.

i'm working on forgiveness.  seeing everything as love.  everyone as god in everything.  

marissa to seniors-

i gave her the $5 star bucks i found.  i don't know how many years i've had it.  bit by bit thoughtfully.  

anthem uber terrible.  i had to call 3 times half hour late. then after dr limited to return to senior center.  i called hopper ashley.  right on time.  

danilo driver-luys-ashley

drivers are required to follow the assigned schedule or pay $25-40 fine.  so besides having to rent cars from avis.   they need a lawyer.  

ramon is here as a hopper demo driver from 1-2 pm.  i booked luys for cup 'all creatures' on hold.  luys booked for home ashley showed up drove me home.

tan driver to seniors

bartolo and carlos my angels.  carlos talked to pedro and $500 to weld the frame so $2500 total to fix the car.  doable.  the $500 check makes sense.

bartolo is resting.  hurray!!  i remembered castor oil.  and i picked shepherds purse.  i guess the idea of cancer freaked me out.  reminded me of dad and eric.

senior center makes me laugh.  we've had numbers on lunch tables this month but not today.  i asked dino today 13 tables but only 11 numbers so not today.  lol.  i needed a good laugh.

he said he can drive me to sunny.  groceries on the patio he wanted acorn squash i took pb cookie mix, tuna, spam.  yum.

toki left me cost co pb cookies not as good as chips ahoy.  then i won't eat them one sitting.

i'm doing my best i need miracles-marissa

i called carlos.  no return call.  marissa delivered me to seniors 8:30.  they booked tiron was i glad marissa showed up.  i'm learning.  not what i'd prefer to learn.  i want to learn being calm easily, effortlessly, comfortably, instantly.  

i'm living in fear.  i went online for the jury.  practice makes progress.  the website remembers everything.  said to check back next monday after 5 pm.  

rainy weekend

feeling like UBER prey animal.  autists natural prey animal.  we're without defenses.  we are sacrificial lambs.   

marissa to seniors-EPIPHANY

i had spam and commercial oatmeal b'fast.  my eyes aren't happy my sight is blurry too much sugar.  and i feel hot and my hips are very stiff.  locked up.

i took my car for granted.  like the kids who use hopper to go 3 blocks.  one of paul's pet peeves.  i've had my own car since I was 18.  feels weird

lunch ok me and fred.  toki meeting friends.  bingo ok i decided to go.  i started wizard of oz puzzle.  i won only cookies.  sitting outside waiting for tiron toki came out and offered me a ride and suggested i cancel tiron.  too human to pass up i called and cancelled we went to safeway i got the last $5 potato egg salad.  offered to split she declined.  dropped me off 3:30.  i watched people puzzler.  

watching 'igor' people act to change their focus and chemistry, to change what they feel.  hitler invaded poland, putin invaded ukraine to try to control their internal feelings by controlling an external situation.  

tina turner and myself used meditation, chanting, affirmations whatever you call them to change our chemistry thereby resetting our autopilot.

marie-conan? cancelled to cup library try paul twice

and i understand better.  marie's mother died last year.  i told her about taking care of my folks 'til they died.  her bro and sis in roseville took care of her.  she said goodbye in the hospital.  i told her she now has direct access to mom.  this is why i'm still here and why my car is out of commission.  i still have purpose.  carlos will look after car repairs for me.

fish lunch ok.  toki meeting friends tomorrow.  

shared hopper with john in front of center.  paul driver called me parked on monroe refused to drive to front so we walked.  dropped john at home on to library.  i tried for an hour to book ride home 9-3 peak hours for school students.  another shared ride with student.  home 4 pm.  $20 per hour is net.  cars are avis rentals.  

another new adventure.

kushy-michael sci fi

very quiet makes me wonder if tiron still driving. i'm watching 'bowfinger' all about making dreams come true.  

lunch ok i forgot pickles for r b sandwich again.  quarter chicken i didn't feel like chicken today glad i ordered beef.

carlos' guy pedro de la luz arranged for tow $120.  pedro wanted $1120 check to cover tow and parts.  i called carlos he said no he'd call pedro.  carlos called me back and said to pay for tow but parts pay later.  i don't know what is expected so carlos i trust.  

when i'm ready i'll cash in life insurance to pay for everything.  

luys srs-bartolo w mart-rsv vaccination

tiron cancelled 8 am no word.  i waited 50 minutes dispatcher said he finished his shift that started at 7 and texted me not.  no messages.  luys said tiron's wife drives hopper too.  probably with whom he's constantly mumbling.  

bartolo showed up at 2 pm on the dot.  his brother reminded him.  he said i look so pretty he almost didn't recognize me.  i think he meant my energy.  luys picked up someone else.  it's good to see hopper working.  job security.  

i directed him to the store.  his wife does all the shopping.  i paid gas and cap one i was charged $1.50 card fee.  when i called to find out about it neither cap one card co or walmart store customer care knew anything about it.  weird.  pharmacy rsv shot 20 minutes.  bartolo moved car in front called me while i was looking for him.  he has skin cancer surgery tomorrow.  4 years ago too.  i suggested prayer from his church and better uv fishing hat and protection from sporting good store.  sun screen washes away with sweat.  

luys=louis

kinesiology student.  he likes trumps strength.  now i understand trump's popularity.  people don't care about democracy or freedom.  they admire strength no matter the insanity.  trump and putin call themselves democratic presidents.  because biden respects the legal process he's labeled weak and wishy washy.  

ramon picked up for home.  he advised me for return 

i walked sans belt to nob hill to update chrome.  i bought vindaloo $5 and clearance shamrock hair pins.  i wandered around looking at the stores.  if i had a working car i would not have taken the time.  

i ate all salad-'deception' 1946

i'm using nob and svp connections.  indoor or outdoor.  i picked more shepherds' purse.  bought more salad.  i'm getting better organized.  progress.  after my walk and lunch i have to nap.  reminds me of my Sunday walks when i was bed ridden.  i'd walk to the corner for the paper.  my task for the week.  i couldn't drive or sit in a chair or upright in the car.  i had friends drive me to get groceries and to the doctor, my entire life.  and my sisters constantly tormenting me with lies and threats of eviction.  my life has improved by cutting out the liars and cheats like the cancers they are.  

wow, that's cathartic.  all those years i journal ed in my notebooks.  i burned all that pain in the fireplace.  the tragedy of eric, his mother was toxic to him.  she used and abused him.  

t again

i was ready 8:08 hopper 9 am start time sat day so i walked to nob.  meme there.  i remembered burritos and chips got salad.  burrito is my dessert.  and i pulled shepherds purse.  i put in bucket with a little water.  

i called hopper half hour wait i planned plants.  tiron picked up lady w/walker told she'd have to manage made me move.  he should have dropped me off first we were 2 blocks away.  he's one for the books.  

i swam, saw melvin in the gym and asked him for a ride, toki, fred, mike were there.  i puzzled, melvin was wandering the parking lot even though i told him i'd be upstairs and he's seen me on wednesdays when he visits the nurse.  i don't know about people.  how is my car wrecked and others are driving around.  he drove me home noon.

napped 1:30-4:30 after salad topped with safeway signature cheese sauce, pork cracklings, vienna sausage, cheddar cheese sandwich.  

t iron driver

40 minutes later.  10 rides=$17.50.  20=$35.  $70=one month.  if i figured it correctly.  i'm just not interested.  lunch was fun with the cool kids.  ooh maybe i'll make glazed spam for st pat.  

played bingo, read magazine to keep from falling asleep.  won gift snack bar.  new gal w/flirty hub won.  big bev got her shirt and won.  jane won.  i called for ride then melvin offered i decided to wait for ramon.  

1160 lawrence sta rd

flashback to 5 year old me standing by the mail box waiting for the bus.  i was always alone.

ramon picked me up quickly.  he's so considerate.  he remembers our conversations.  i was swimming by 9 am returned movies to cody bookmobile 10.  i went upstairs to puzzle.  i called carlos he was busy called me back.  i read him repair names he wanted to check another guy.  

lunch good toki said trudy and kenny coming for st pat day we'll need whole table.  1 pm after lunch i called bartolo is taking me to sunny 3 pm.  perfect when center closes.  i finished space puzzle and started susan's yarn puzzle.  tricky edge pieces.  

3:20 i called bartolo he sounded sleepy said he'd be right there.  4 pm i was returning spot and movie and picking up 2.  home 4:30.  9:30 i don't feel at all deprived of internet like i used to.  

back to the doctor?

my knee still hurts and may be swollen.  and i want to include seniors as a designated destination.  half hour for morning pick up.  very young kupindar?  i didn't order lunch for today.  nahyung had cancellations for veg chili.  eh, i got extra i added t. of hot almond dip.  perfect.  i wasn't going to go.  

lady driver home on time.  kush something.  i'm loving it.  mom always forced me to take care of everyone.  i never had time for me.  i didn't matter.  i'm feeling cared for.

7 pm playing online mahjongg and watching jeopardy.  toc could go 7 games.  

tyron always half hour after

stated time.  he started picking me up and dropping me off in front.  i don't have to cross the street.  

i know i kept updating so i can't understand my blogs evaporating.  

lunch was good spaghetti and meat sauce.  fred, toki and mike.  

i can't understand how blogs keep disappearing.  i updated and voila gone.  

i called bartolo for a trip to sunny he has a terrible head cold.  i told him the weekend is soon enough but he wants me to call thursday.   i cooked fish, heated rice with catsup.  so good.  last of salad.  

another day- auntie passed yesterday

i don't want to do anything.  so i was home pondering life when my cousin nola called 2:43 pm to let me know auntie tomie passed peacefully yesterday in a care facility.  i'm not surprised.  the last six years have been hard on auntie too.  she stopped eating and faded away.  she must have entered hospice when i felt bereft.  uncle's obit is online.  he died 3 months before eric.  i still cry.  he was just barely 61.

nola called 2:43 pm left v mail to call back.  i don't answer any new numbers.  i looked nola up online.  same age as alien.  didn't have her b'day.  

5:30 time to make dinner.  chrome didn't charge and my blog disappeared 2 times.

i'm feeling overwhelmed and incapable

i'm feeling 3 years old when i realized grandma wasn't taking care of me anymore and mom made my 8 year older sister take care of me.  mom made my sister my mother screwing us both up.  that started the pattern of jealousy.  my sister resented me.  mom couldn't leave me to be loved by grandma.  no one can love me more than they love mom.  no one can love me more than my significant other.  that's what i imprinted to survive.  like a hatching 3 year old baby duck.  all my terrible imprinted doomed relationships left me believing i was unlovable.  i chose jealous people to not love me like mom.  i've avoided relationships.  i can't tolerate anymore disappointment.  i'm having a conscious nervous breakdown.  my entire body is shuddering and quaking.  i'm drinking a protein shake to soothe myself i can't eat.  

we addicts are taught to hate ourselves by the people we love and depend on the most. 

today's Daily Word Timeless-Revelation 21:1 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away.  

how appropriate for Daylight Saving Time.

Harville Hendrix was correct i've repeatedly attempted to fix the past by recreating someone to love me who's incapable.  

my neck is loose and unlocked.  i dressed for walking to the market then didn't.  i slept 3 hours and rested this afternoon and i'm watching the oscars well rested.  i poached frozen fish in honey mustard with rainbow carrots.  heated package of cooked brown and wild rice.  yay!!  me!!  

guilt vs happiness

i don't want to abandon charity and chris and john.  i hate disappointing people.  probably being disappointed by family so much and fear of punishment.  st just has been very good to me.  i love ginny.  so feisty and all loving.  like walter i fear the future even heaven.  i'm mourning the past.  

i'm getting ready for my next step.

i walked to nob hill with 50 bottles meme redeemed.  i bought soup and salad and walking home found a yard full of shepherds purse, i ate some.  they're clearing it.  

i registered for jury duty says within 10 days then it tells me i'm too early.  i have to check back 3/29. 

i'm paying my bills.  i'm copying, updating my phone numbers.  

i'm doing what i know how to do.

autotraders, cargurus or carvana

so many options, possibilities.   

i decided to puzzle and forgo bingo.  i got extra lunch meal.  i don't want to think.  i have jury summons on top of everything else.  walter came by feeling sorry for himself.  he hadn't eaten i sent him for food.  he argued he took his vitamins i challenged does he run his car on oil or gasoline.  he understood.  we've had this argument many times.  he went to eat yogurt and sardines.  terrific protein load.  we chatted 'til 2:30 when i called to book a ride.  no problems.  he waited with me 'til tyrone the mumbler showed up.  walter's always dragging up the past i told him to reset his auto pilot.  what does he want to see in his life rather than constantly replaying the past that will only create more of the same.  focus on capitalizing the good in his life.  more please.  

my digestion and back are better.

excellent Ramon*celebrity wheel of fortune from 5/10/2023 at 9 pm

he came on time, u-turned, picked me up on my side of the street.  such a gentleman.  seniors 8:20 am.

i remembered the bookmobile.  as i was going out Inge was helped to her car by staff i think she fell.  she looked rattled.  i can pray for her.  

what a weird day.  i puzzled 'til my hair dried and chrome charged after lunch.  trudy kenny fred, mike came for lunch.  pretty good turkey loaf.  I bought a $5 lunch bag for dinner.  1 pm i called for a hopper christian said my name was wrong and refused to get me a ride no supervisor no support no help.  2 days to address the issue i need a ride today.  told me to open another account with another phone number, credit card and e mail.  so i looked online for chat decided to call back ask for rider support gigi checked no problem got me a ride Ramon showed up 20 minutes later.  so if i hadn't been put off i wouldn't have gotten Ramon.  walter stood with me with his rooster.  

i'm in shock.  today too weird even for me.  

9 pm now, checking my city library account i suddenly have a $14.39 fine.  i went round and round trying to figure out for what i'm being charged.  under fees it says there are none.  i e mailed asking if this is like the phantom juvenile graphic novel that suddenly appeared on my account.  i confuse easily.  

at least i have wheel of fortune.  i am content.  regular wheel preempted by the state of the nation at 10 pm.  

ok 8 am best pick up time

tam said later mostly students.  also the bus stop is most requested hub so gps directs drivers there.  makes sense.  takes half an hour to complete the ride.  dispatch submits proposals to drivers who decide to accept or ignore.  it was so rainy.  half hour to seniors.  showered, swam, puzzled.  

lunchtime sun coming out.  toki, fred too late.  he cancelled then came.  crowded not enough places salisbury steak and mash.  melvin asked if i wanted a ride yes please.  he's married, second wife 1 child from first wife.    home relaxation rest.

i called carlos and left message for juan.  then i tackled anthem my account unlocked.  mary came through.   

best is yet to be

i called 8 am half hour to ride.  10:30 am i was showered, swam, sitting pondering.  i decided to postpone bookmobile.  i can go anytime.  even after car is fixed i'll use hopper.  so nice to be chauffeured.  meeting new people in a safe environment.   driver michael an avid reader potential writer.

my left leg and hip are stiff and sore.  the water massage was wonderful.  i needed it.  i went upstairs to puzzle and considered calling anthem and benefits.  nah, i need more fun so i puzzled.  brian showed up to talk to nurse.  fish lunch was good with toki and fred.  then melvin said he was going to sv cost co would i like a ride home, yes please.  so home early i started going through papers.  dinner i heated chicken corn chowder.  i toasted last 3 corn bread.  so delicious.  

bartolo 9 am garden w/bro and adele

he's always working.  and now i know how he stripped the avocado in one day.  Friday he picked all the cactus.  

my back is finally hurting from mom.  between my shoulder blades feels like a pillow of pain.  cleaning out car found anthem prime 1/29 r'c'd. 

i asked if Bartolo will have time to run errands he said 2-3 postponed from Friday.  i called at 2 left message.  3 pm i called again he said he was tired but i can't tomorrow.  he picked me up 4 to sunny then paid cost co bank, star 1 deposit and unity check, cup 12 returns 2 pick up and home 5 pm.  i called nations benefits frozen i explained my lack of expertise Mary put in request to unlock tomorrow after 8 am.

3/3 girl's day

i watched 'the old maid' 1939 bette davis and miriam hopkins.  an unusual movie for the time.  the same morals until about 2000.  a woman driven plot.  independent women with their own money.  wow.

i'm missing eric.  6/6 is boy's day and he died 6/13 his 61st b'day 3rd.  his 2 b'days.

watching 'roise and frank' an irish film entirely in gaelic.  very good.  1932 bette davis' first film 'the dark horse' political, campaign, election.

i took my time, an hour at simmer to slow cook a lb of bacon in the microwave.  check every half hour to avoid sticking and rotate.  i usually cut it up and stir fry.  this time i laid out strips on parchment paper on a newspaper topped with parchment and paper towel to soak up grease.  i used to collect the grease but then i never used it.  3 strips on my green salad with cornbread.  house smells delicious.  

i accomplished a lot.  located car pink slip, ss card, birth cert.  checked over tax return.  online payment options.  

my family taught me how to treat myself

i'm teaching myself to love and care for myself.  criticism and humiliation are weapons to control others.  when reinforced with physical and emotional violence 100 % effective.  my self criticism is milder easier to let go.  i misplaced movie to return and the pain was lying beneath the surface.  what hurts the worst is their betrayal.  family is blood connections cellular bonds.  when they betray me they poison themselves.  makes me sad.

toki and bartolo left me 2 pm messages when i was shopping waiting for ride.  bartolo called 8:30 am parked outside.  i picked up free lucky's water and free big lots bought amino for toki.  then i forgot chase card drove back home i left garage open when i got opener.  whew!!  bart took me back to bank i withdrew he dropped me off library 9:45 for taxes.  i forgot to give him $70 for garden and $20 driving 'til he asked.  i'm in such a rush.  when i mentioned hopper drivers $20-23/hr he told me one eye after stroke.  he doesn't like driving.  he's taking his brother to do his taxes and he drives to stockton where his tax person moved.

toki called again she bought safeway deli salad she'll give to trudy since i have.  so sweet.  

i forgot ss card.  because ss income 1099 this year last year they waived it.  this is only place required.  2 hours noon started 11:15 i'm munching survival shortbread bar.  1200 calories.  and i have free waters.  well played.  lisa gone asian kathy very sweet.  we went through checklist and she says sit back relax.  i am.  finished 12:30.  i forgot ss card and routing numbers not on last year.  walked over to st just 2655 called hopper asked call back.  phone didn't ring missed call.  parked across street i waved my arms big time he u-turned and home.  

hungry i heated beef salad mac egg.  so good.  

i'm excited

8 am sitting waiting for via hopper to answer.  45 minutes so far.  i have a lot of time to explore my phone.  i did a little arranging in my car.  so many memories.  it rained so everything is wet, 54 degrees.  a new day.

i'm looking for the rainbow.  it rained and everything is wet.  a break in the clouds.  like valentines.  

i finally noticed my phone mutes after i call so i don't hear the call back.  i checked volume got a ride.  seniors i showered and stretched, puzzled for a bit.  lunch fish ok.  melvin, his chinese friends, toki .  so much negativity.  i decided no bingo.  business first.  called bartolo he's gardening.  maybe banking tomorrow.  i decided to go to home safeway for friday deal.  i bought mac egg salad, cheeses, finally fresh apple dawn power wash $4.97 with a coupon refill came to $1.60.  smells so good.  salad mix.  i'm set for the weekend.  

carlos came by with 1993 white corolla $2600.  checking online $1600 kbb and edmunds value.  he's maintained it 20/31 years.  says $1k my car as is.  mine is 16 years 47 k miles versus 200 k miles.  and with the terrible drivers i probably need the heavier car.  and their numbers are growing.

happy leap day

i've never felt more alive and together.  and grateful for my health and friends.  🦄🦄 whoa how did i do this?  fun though.  

started calling 8 am 45 minutes to seniors driver saran.  didn't swim since valentines.  

bookmobile.  i forgot.  i let cody know i'd see him tuesdays pacific gardens.  i forgot thursdays completely.  i'm already living my new life.

i learned from yesterday.  after lunch i started calling for a ride.  home by 2.  first hour no service booking computer down.  i puzzled.  rude person's snide remarks prompted me to tell her how messed up the puzzle was pieces jammed together so she got stuck.  a statement of fact.  she denied doing it when i know for a fact when i watched her doing it.  i removed the blocks and finished the puzzle in an hour while she complained.  i called and booked with hernan.  he knew where the senior center was and confirmed gps sent bus stop location.  

so i rested in bed.  i cooked potato and pollock.  coconut curry chickpeas just right.  ate remainder salad.  i'll try clearance greek olives.

8 pm feels like 45 but weather service says 54 degrees.  nothing on tv.

in bed i decided to check OTC balance $30 instead of anthem prime $150 page 71.  programmed phone numbers noted crazy arbitrary hours no mention of time zone.  tomorrow.  checked silver sneakers.  not in table of contents so i added.  11:15 pm now.  i feel like i'm doing their job.  

peach pie cottage cheese b'fast

i'm  re configuring my life.  9 am i called via 40 minutes for a ride.  i perused website drivers make $20-$23/hour.  sounds like a lot doesn't cover much sv.  

yay!  i got marisa for driver.  she loaded case in hatch.  i've discovered i love being waited on.  maybe what vacationers love.  website says no tips.  so got here 10:30.  i could stay and swim 4-6 pm.  

i forgot to charge and lost settings regained good time.  2 weeks since ka-boom.  my knee is more sensitive.  i'm more sensitive.  feels weird diverting from my old routine.  

there's part of me loving the change.  like i'm unlimited.  except for eye twitching most uncomfortable.  

brittney called back.  because of officer burgos' police report citing my left turn, my fault.  eh, too many errors in the report.  eh, i wasn't surprised we live in a trump world.  called carlos to start repair process.  seniors had yaris 2010 for sale $6700 obo.    i thought about it.  14 year car 4 years left on battery.  $500-$1000 to replace.

took me 4 hours to get home.  ashley kept going to bus stop or she cancelled, she's getting paid hourly not by job.  so she can drive all over all day for the same money.  

8-9 pm amazon i ordered potassium water softener cubes.  rose dency in pp helped me for an hour applying for card great chase rewards.  

sans belt

my back is so much better after resting it all yesterday.   i moved around a lot not carrying anything like mom or dad.  no brace.  my bunion is the most painful thing.  used to be my left one but it's so much better through stretching my lower back and foot massage.  my muscles feel better balanced.

and yesterday my blog updated automatically.  not today.  i ate spaghetti-os/meatballs for breakfast.  so great.  mom always said it was too expensive.  

8:30 am drifting in and out of sleep i get it.  i'm re balancing 1999.  hellish year of sisters torturing parents.  no rest or sleep for me.  every year we live is recorded in the body.  

i don't have to force myself to walk to nob hill.  i'm watching the relationships on 'just shoot me' and i just impulsively followed my heart.  i never considered options.  i never had any as a child.  i wasn't allowed to make any decisions.  i was told what to do on threat of death.  i was threatened all the time so my sisters harassing threatening me with physical eviction came as no surprise.  hurt added to insult.  feeling stupid for taking care of mom and dad alone when my parents never stood up for me.  toki was the first person ever to defend me to helen.  when she did it felt monumental.  

1999

dad died.  mom was meaner than usual.  i let it go too sad and i was used to the abuse.  she was heartbroken her daughters didn't make good on their promise to take care of her after dad died.  they had too many secrets.  too many lies.  

i looked almost all day for bill.  wasn't with others.  i went through A LOT of paper, organized things i didn't have the heart for, too painful.  

5 pm 'color of magic' so good.  i don't know how i missed it 2008.  

weirdest dreams

not knowing where i am.  feeling safe.  like i'm bringing heaven to earth.  

sleeping like a baby waking every few hours falling back asleep.  

checking through my e mails i stopped maintaining them 11/1/23.

noon i called bartolo for a ride to sunny.  he said he was busy 'til 3 pm.  showed up like clock work.  at sunny i returned 2 borrowed 3 movies.  box puzzle of planets.  then stopped at lucky's for free liter zen water.  2 clearance manana water $1.49 ea, salad mix and big lots free 12 oz water and spaghetti-o meatballs $1.49.  everything i wanted, good prayer partner.  i gave bartolo choc shake to try.  i was exhausted.  home 4 pm i put everything away ate fish stew with bread butter.  

new feelings

my back feels better.  my digestion is calming down.  while my neck, legs, hips still hurting..  i have the energy to read.  i can hold the book.

8 am i easily used ice pick to separate 3 pieces of frozen pollock fish from 2 lb block, added diced tomatoes.  The difficult part is the correct size cooking dish to keep moist.  2 minutes high 45 simmer.  crock pot cooking without the bulky clean up.  the only thing doesn't work is beans.  i'll add corn and can garbanzos.  meanwhile i can have protein shake or survival shortbread or oatmeal.

guilt and habit drove me to do.  now without a car i have time to be.  i'm still processing feelings, separating strands of feelings, examining.  i've always run from them.  usually got me punishment from family.  walter brings it all back.  he's better stronger than before.  if he doesn't want to change it's ok i can't be around it.

called him to apologize leaving seniors abruptly.  nice chat.  he doesn't think he can change i told him he already has.  

'just shoot me' season 3 is so funny.  1999 dad died.  

christmas lucky charm

i'm too independent for relationships.   i don't need anyone.  i grew up without anyone i could depend on.  i learned to survive on my own from 2 years old when mom took me from grandma and made my sister be my mom.  disaster for all of us.  

i don't know if i'm terrified or excited.  what a day.  long wait times for hopper going and coming from senior center.  i finally arrived 10 am.  i walked to post office said hi to paul lloyd's friend bought sheet of 2024 dragon stamps.  i walked to mission library 16 minutes one way.  returned overdue.  checked out mission puzzle table.  open later than seniors.  walked back for lunch.  kenny and trudy waiting.  nice not to be first for a change.  toki and fred late.  lunch ok.  i puzzled 10 minutes.  i remembered not to drink too much water.  i won 3 x bingo,. snack bar and 2 tops.  walter showed up so i left before last game i was exhausted.  he needs something to shake him up less violently.  i've had my wake up call.  so much 'stuff' to handle

i'm loving being local.  book mobile schedule pacific gardens tuesday 3/5 10 am.  

feeling happy

when i have no reason to feel happy.  my car is still wrecked, they lied about the accident or were mistaken, my body is sore, i'm still getting older, more things to learn and do.  maybe life is school.  bad school.

the discipline to think positively is paying off.  i'm generating happy chemicals.  no side effects no fall out.  it's not constant, nothing is and i want all i can generate.  i want most.

i'm doing things i never would have.  

1 pm carlos just showed up took pictures to forward to brittney.  i gave him choc shakes and snack and i'm keeping track of time.  i drank shake while i considered what to eat.  ate hot pocket.  and dinner i finished peas and veg from last week with eggs and brie.  so good and corn chips left from oatmeal b'fast.  with peach pie i am content.  

everyone believes they're right

i'm just dealing with stuff.  i successfully downloaded and printed copy police report noting discrepancies and called brittney jeffers.  lovely 20 minute talk.  carlos will take 360 pictures re damage and forward to csaa.

archie at central library changed my home base to bookmobile.  

home 5 pm.  tyron hopper 15 min late wouldn't park in front of center i had to walk to street curb rain sprinkling.  

after sleeping only a few hours i'm ready for an early night.  napped in chair.  

my energy overloaded-i deserve happiness

i prayed online with silent unity, screen went black, internet disconnected i'm getting back settings.  and i'm ok.  i'm still here.

i deserve happiness.  i'm ignoring everything else.  makes me sad when people lie blackening their souls.  i happily give them to God.  and trump because of how he was raised truly believes he's right.  

2 am i'm feeling upset.  i have lots of movies.  i took kava, melatonin, willow, beet, passionflower.  i'm blessed with natural aids.  i can change how i feel naturally.  and silent unity online and phone prayer i'm no longer alone.

ready to roll

called for hopper ride 9 minutes.  young man alone from india.  he ran up debt and is recovering.  hopper car emblazoned with signage.  i'll have to track cost.  nice being picked up and dropped off in front of seniors.  he's learning skills to run his own business.

i swam, boring, puzzled, lunch companions toki and fred good.  melvin and diane.  melvin's sugar 289 on smart phone.  toki offered ride home and i was very ready.  tired out.  she's the best, picked me up from front door.  i saw brian johnson (pizza man) in gym talked for a bit.  i could have called him for advice re his 5 major car accidents.  fred had a freeway car accident.  everyone i know but me.  67 years driving without one.  i usually avoid them.  i've had close calls.  

10 pm i viewed online police report.  she lied and said i hit her.  oh, well.  officer burgos chose to say i was at fault when damage to the cars obviously showed she hit me.  

i'm waiting

voice mail 3 am re pick up for my dr appointment at 3 pm.  customer service doesn't open 'til 8 am i tried calling all numbers since 7 am now i'm waiting.  they book my pick up for 3 am but don't open until 8 am i don't understand.  

5 days since accident more symptoms showing up.  my neck, right temple tension headache.  i took willow, kava, beet, passion.

finally may in the phillipines fixed ride took 8 minutes.  i'm emotionally drained.

11 am i called unity customer care simple double subscription auntie ok.  i'm vibrating again.  i couldn't eat i had liquid b'fast.  took 23+ minutes.  caller id linked my account i didn't need numbers tygj.  

peas, cottage cheese, vienna sausage not as delicious as i anticipated.  

watching 'birdies' just what i needed.  i don't even like golf.  the personalities are hilarious.

3 pm dr's office blood pressure straight from car (alvaro) 191/90.  i should get here early and calm down.  even 149/58 accident better.  i don't know why i'm afraid.  maybe because he's like dad.  

i walked

.3 mile to nob.  took half hour to find wi fi spot in parking lot then store has it.  i updated and checked hertz delivery closed.  no idea the cost over $30 delivery fee.  i couldn't manage site.  

i called bartolo 75 he drove me to sunny and hid.  ha ha.  didn't park where he said.  so i have hot spot.  i turned in a central hot spot to main 1/5.  7+ weeks without a hot spot.  

spooky valentines i'll never forget at 73 my first car accident

healing played on chrome then stopped.  without wi-fi.  my sweet car got hit by a white tesla.  3:30 i was on my way to the library.  police, emts, like a bad movie.

day started normally, swim, puzzle, lots of valentine treats.  lots of lunch, extra peas and rice.  nothing at sprouts it started raining i drove toward library underground parking with returns.  raining pretty good by then.  i crossed san tomas headed west on benton i waited to turn left on las palmas, the eastbound traffic backed up clearing the intersection so i proceeded and white tesla with grandmother and 2 teen granddaughters speeding in bike lane hit my right front bumper sheering the grill 4-6 inches to left.  my knee was shoved into steering column.  my chest feels bruised from seat belt and i have a headache.  she called her son matt lai who said they have state farm insurance.  police took statements, emts checked my blood pressure and oxygen finger clip.  like a bad movie.  jason in utah called  tow truck carlos who advised me to empty car.  1/12/22 tow driver another different carlos.

toki reminded me to call insurance 5:35 pm i spoke to julie henderson nevada.  my adjuster brittney jeffers new jersey.  officer burgos badge 36 scpd called for my insurance number 7:14 pm i hope the pictures he took of the car damage came out better than pictures of my info.  

aaron's b'day

i want to check savers.  tonight i can sew or do taxes.   i am limitless.

best company abe lincoln b'day

 didn't share cookies.  melvin, diane, thomas.  toki and fred my family.  

endless possibilities

i forgot to eat lunch.  11 i started dressing for the day i wore long raw silk dress with leopard shirt.  already warm so tennis shoes.  decided on cup library with possible returns.  muppet show requested.  

best lunch

i used coupon for senior sack lunch.  potato salad sat in near freezing, tohir gave me peanuts and pb crackers, p chips, ham cheese sand, water, banana.  great at the library.  i checked st just.  someone left can vienna, 2 very green bananas, peach cup, turnover from st j sack lunch.  and fork and spoon.  tohir overlooked utensil for p salad.  

time to puzzle.  maryam 7 more like 10 and aisha 6 more like 2 nigerian muslim sisters dumped at library while their mom goes online.  i told them i didn't have a mom either.  i apologized they had to raise themselves but when they get to my age they can have a proper happy childhood.  aisha begging for attention wrecked the puzzle.  i'm done for the day.  too much like my past.  never having a mom being raised by another child.  bullied, humiliated.  never nurtured or allowed to live.  resented just for being.

no hot spot i'm ok.  sat by fireplace feet up relaxed and renewed.  restored i fixed the puzzle 'til closing at 4.  home by 4:30 i finally remembered perfect steak i dredged in cinnamon and grilled on electric hibachi.  perfect.  i sat in living room watching tv and steaks cooking.  perfection.  the 99 cent lettuces made the perfect sliced steak salad.  honey mustard dressing.  and clean up was so easy immediately while everything fresh.  

i'm watching 'oppenheimer'

Kurt Vonnegut jr came from a scientific family of physicists and knew when they launched the first atom bomb the chain reaction might continue until everything was consumed.  they decided it was the best way to end the war.  yeah, right.  'cat's cradle' see the cat, see the cradle.

forgot wheel oh, well

i left the library at 5:30 after a full day.  i'm having the time of my life.  

sprouts i bought cherry pie 20% off, 99 cent ice cream 2, camembert cheese 2 i thought was brie.  not as good.  no flavor.  i used can mushroom soup, cut up cooked chicken, mixed veg, potatoes and onions for soup.  pretty good.  for dinner hilde wanted to give me 3 fish lunches i wanted den and lady to share.  it was only ok.

good night and good news.

post disappeared. i was having more fun!

i spent half hour looking for movie remote.  it disappeared.  i looked under, over, around even crawled on floor.  huh.  now i see it written.   so 3 things.  the returns, post and remote.  i discovered the player has little tiny buttons.  and i feel ok.  

what a good day.  i swam 8:30, puzzled relaxed.  lunch with fred and toki.  i finished the puzzle stopped at sprouts decided to go home and rest.  back hurting i found remote and ate the yam i cooked this morning.  so delicious.  i scrubbed it, wrapped in parchment paper and nuked 4 minutes turned over 3 more.  i ate lunch chicken and cilantro slaw for dinner.  

lion dance, p f chang snacks.

i misplaced half of cup returns drove home and found them in trunk fourth time i checked.  the storm was like a hurricane.  made me glad i weigh what i do.  the wind and rain was like i never experienced before.  i drove slowly thankful for my dependable car.  and library self check malfunction created problem with checkout alicia gonzales will trace and fix.  i found umbrella and lost and found had at least 50 items because of weather i'm sure.  last year i wouldn't have been able to endure the driving and fear, my stamina is better.

sunny library i drove around and around no parking and spaces blocked off for performers.  hundreds of cars.  i parked at police city hall and walked in rainy winds.  i returned movie and checked out puzzles going around dragon dancers.  i've never seen so many asian families, lots of little ones, parents and grandmas.  made my heart sing.  i stood in quick line 5 minutes for lettuce wrap and salad.  i charged chrome, played healing music, puzzled 'til 4:30.  watched "royal family" eddie murphy creator producer.  something new to me.  exhausting day.  bed and movies.

returned mrs. sidhu-i've been reflecting on the fact that every great civilization destroyed itself

new library puzzle of gumballs edge still undone.  took me 20 minutes.

i checked st j twice and sprouts twice.  i bought great turkey dinner $1.86 and 2 cooked chick breasts 99 cents.  

sitting at seniors i can see that trump is the instrument of the destruction of democracy.  the greeks, romans, british all became complacent and decadent and rotted from within.  the right wing anti-abortion ignores human rights using emotionally charged issues to distract and control minds.  nothing more than a trick to divide and conquer the american people.  republicans want a republic not a democracy.  they believe they're smarter and better than everyone building the country and prefer to destroy to control.  destruction is easier than creating.  criticism is easier than solutions.  

my hips legs blocked

 my feet hurt, good i have feeling again.  my ankles swollen.  i look down and see my mom's feet.  she's always with me.  my biggest disappointment when she died was the fun we missed having.  now i can drag her along with me.  she's dead she can't resist or deny.  hilda must be her replacement so i don't miss her.  she looked straight at me and didn't bring me lunch.  it's on her.  

i'm still expecting punishment

muscle memory is still protecting me.  anxiety is a body thing.  the body manufactures chemicals on its own for survival.  

sprouts clearance too much.  seniors early.mom stunt i didn't tighten drink cap into my gym roller.  lunch good.  so today oil change, return hot spot, clean slate.  maybe savers.  i brought strawberry donuts and cut up in 1/4's fred tried one, i ate 2, toki tried a bite.  i gave the rest to anna and the half way house people.  they were very happy.  

waiting at carlos' for car to cool oil change.  and scoping out my day.  maybe i'll hang at main or savers or enjoy the beautiful day it's turned into.  and now i know why people plant decorative pepper trees, the smell of driving over the seeds.  smells wonderful.  $74.74 on discover 3.99% discount cash.  

mailed bill,  sprouts again clearance prices labeled.  huh.  new bogo flavored seeds.  more to sample.  withdraw chase straight to savers 3 1/2 hours looking bought new roller.  i could go everyday.  library an hour found 2 copy room quarters,  returned spot, puzzled half hour. stopped st just 3 boxes of food left.  i took 2 bags of frozen pollock, beets, celery.  i stewed 3 fish steaks with a honey mustard packet.

seniors early this week.

swam, relaxed, annoying woman at puzzle table so i listened to music.  so good.  lunch was ok.  sprouts 99 cent salad, guacamole, curry chicken.   i went to main and puzzled 'til 6:30 'til annoying competitive girl, i came home.  eh, it was time.  ate at eight.  like last night.  

we came here from hawaii when i was 4 at night the runway lights like fairy land.  it's finally fun.  

slept through night

i usually wake 1-2 times.  i ate the last crab cake.  raring to go.  

inge's back.  her daughter diana in tennesee came to have eye surgery from a specialist $19 k up front.  inge's drove her.  wow!  traffic is horrible on hwy 17.  what a great mom.

sprouts 2 turkey sandwiches 99 cents ea, 4 pink do nuts $1.99.  

seniors i swam no hot water showers (maintenance) everyone was in pool i was one of the great unwashed.  9:30 hot water back i washed my hair.  the argan oil shampoo is so moisturizing.  i tried playing movie on computer nothing.  called carlos oil change thursday after lunch.  alt chick ceasar salad good huge with fresh tomatoes.  i used chop sticks.  i puzzled, main pick up movies, asked tech format changed to play movies.  on to savers bought chain senior discount.  purple tags half.  next door eggs $4.19.  

sunny sewing lots of machines i finished mending art's pants, checked ads at sprouts none sale assorted muffins and watched end of celebrity wheel.  

i love mondays

i woke at 7, drank a shake then dressed and gassed up at cost co $3.77/gal.  i stopped at nob hill picked up ads for me and toki.  last parking space seniors.  i swam, lunched gave toki ad, puzzled 'til 5, sprouts brie cheese i love.  

savers opened november

i'm feeling blessed.  first i drove to redwood city, then 3 in san jose - rose garden, moorpark, almadenn,  milpitas 'til it closed.  and now it's in my own neighborhood.  

i picked up cup 'my big fat greek wedding 2' and 8 others.  discarded idea of gas station.    came straight home and did domestic.  cleared spoiled veg garbage and put out bin and recycle.  I ate potato salad and crab cakes and slept 2 hours.  

i've been looking for anthem prime books and i stuck them next to my tv chair and couldn't see it.  i didn't get my new card.  nowhere does it mention my $600 otc allowance.  

joy ride 2023

surprisingly funny.  sometimes gross, frequently ridiculous.  and all of them so cute and funny.  the first truly free A Z N women.  i celebrate their lives.  i hope they connect with awkafina (i just read her controversy when whites have appropriated asian culture forever)  and margaret cho.  

the $2.75 argan oil shampoo is a thick gel that makes my hair so soft.  i thinned beauty argan shampoo so probably why bottle leaks.  i swam, puzzled, bought 2 more clearance crab cakes and home.  cooked one package eating all day.  doing what i want.  

10 pm watching wheel.  heaven.

i'm remembering to love my boredom

dino said no bingo.  i didn't ask.  i learned to avoid punishment by keeping a low profile.  or maybe mom's proverb 'the standing nail gets hammered down.'  she punished me plenty.  must be why i hesitate getting involved or being singled out.  susan asked to take my picture for the continuing education magazine no way.  my life is comfortable.  except for my neuropathy.  as i heal the nerves are coming alive and more feeling more pain.  

besides i figured out putin invaded ukraine because he was bored.  murder is entertaining on this planet.  life isn't tough enough, make trouble.  

showered and annoying female second day at puzzle table scrolling through phone trying to provoke conversation.  i already have an older annoying sister job's filled.  senior old enough to know better not doing better i used to think i had to put up with it i never did.  i was so wrong.  they don't learn.  my family over and over.  like trump followers.

so home early taking out the trash.  baked 5/$2.99 crab cakes college safeway clearance and 3 lb $5 egg potato salad perfect dinner with 99 cent sprouts green salad.  

only 11 months 'til xmas

i'm actually looking forward.  my neuropathy is better.  my legs, hips, feet are stiff, swollen and sore.  i have more feeling.  they call it peripheral neuropathy as if naming it makes it somehow better.  and my muscles in my back have relaxed so my stomach is huge.  oh well.

i love reading my blog-55 degrees

i can see where i've been , what works what doesn't and stay on course.  

inge called me back monday voice mail.  she's in hayward for eye surgery.  yuck.  waiting for lunch after an hour swim.  i love having fun.  

it's 55 degrees

warmer than summer morning.

too s day savers seniors, sunny sewing.  how to choose or do it all.  i'm actually excited.

i puzzled at seniors 'til 3 then walked savers.  4 unicorn head bands $1 ea and goo, owl suitcase $3, jewel pens 10 for $5, gerber carving knife $5, hummingbird wind chimes $3.  and when i checked out it was 6 pm.  i had hot pocket and bb pie.  then spaghetti o's and vienna sausages.  so good.  

i did too much and couldn't sleep

i feel ok.  

i started watching the recent 'all creatures great and small' 3 completely forgetting season 4 was on tv.  oh, well.  i never saw episode 1, the wedding or didn't remember it.  

seniors good i puzzled 'til 6.  

mr skeffington 1944-excellent

truly a love story set in a history lesson of the first and second world war.  special features and extra content.  unseen footage edited to fit tv time slot.  no great depression.  i wonder if it encouraged world war two.  the lack of resources.  the poverty. 

i woke and realized it's Sunday I have a free day.  i mapped out i can save 3.5 miles driving from cup directly to sunny library.  Savers opens 10.  yippee!!  doing what i want.  i've never been so free!  free to be my autistic self!

watching a national geographic program about spiders the outer atmosphere is positive charge, earth negatively charged spiders use electricity to fly on spider silk.  heaven is positive.  kind of spooky how it works out.

i folded and put away wash, mended, organized my library week.  and i'm raring to go.  i drove to cup drop off pick up then to sunny book sale i found 'bowfinger' so i filled a bag.  feeling good i took art masunaga library delivery info.  visited half hour too warm.  atria open 8-8.  driving home thinking of dinner i remembered i wanted hot pockets.  detoured to lucky's and $2.99 hungry man chicken.  mom always said we couldn't afford them then she went out for lunch every day.  how she got fat.  hypocrite.  

my legs, back, neck

letting me know i need to move.  my body is protesting sitting at bingo.  i don't know how people do it.  

heaven is learning how to get paid for what you enjoy doing, and would do without payment.  i enjoy puzzles.  order gives me pleasure.  making a picture from chaos.

i was so naughty.  dyed black success permed chinese female left her things in shower to reserve it so after 10 minutes i took the towel on the curtain rod.  when she came back she saw it peeking out from my case as i was spinning my suit.  i made her work for it pretending i didn't know what she wanted over the spinner noise.  but i did.  i told her i thought she abandoned it.  eh, i gave it back.  another woman smiled at me as if she knew.  now i understand the deep feeling of satisfaction of depriving another.  so what if mom and alien never loved me. 

main library sitting eating sprouts' mark down beet salad.  using chop sticks kept in my car easy to avoid raw red onions.  beet juice can dye them to look like beets.  i'm eating excellent.  i bought sale books and 'mr skeffington' movie.  

i fixed sweater inge gave me.  full of perfume.  i stitched lining easier than i imagined.  i'll wash it.  

water is my favorite medicine

to soak in and drinking eliminates toxins.  scientists need to study digestion to understand fission and fusion.  our bodies do it all the time.  our bodies make energy without knowing how...  

lego 's-olomon, h-ercules, a-tlas, z-eus, a-chilles, m-ercury; '  teaches that being a hero is making the world a better place not super powers.

i went to prune ridge lucky's for free soda, picked up $1.99 chips cheapest.  paid gas bill wall mart found clearance 3' ice stick with snow brush i can use for cob webs 75 cents and orange hostess cupcakes 2/$1.58.  sprouts 10:30 2 special no added sugar blueberry pies, 2 half rye loafs, cherries $1.99/lb.  i gave toki pie, banana, half cherries.  i want to give inge rye bread.

mom must have been a secret eater to remain overweight.  i only saw her dinner time.  she never ate b'fast, worked.  ate lunch out everyday.  unless she drank her calories in alcohol but it was dad had cancer.  

bingo secret to winning=surrender.  won twice when i let go.  picked $5 snack bar and small red dress bag i'll offer to inge for her b'day.  

sitting 1:30 waiting for teeth cleaning

listening to calm.  i had to remind them i was waiting at 2.  done by 3.  i bought last lemon danish special woman tried to talk me out of it for herself.  picked up igor at main and continued to savers i walked store 'til 6 pm.  good day.

heaven is having what you want when you want it

i'm learning and growing.  watching 'life with father' i realize for the first time it's a highly prejudiced depiction of 1883 new york.  all white people time capsule of life.  wow.  

non whites didn't exist.  the trades people are irish catholics the rich are episcopalian or methodist.  

seniors i waited 9:30-10 for parking reading and organizing my day.  between classes.  10 am a dozen spaces opened.  i swam and had lunch.  went to crowded laundromat perfect weather for washing.  walked sprouts can of curry chickpeas.  home i easily unloaded and hung clothes.  

cooked 2 hot sausages in micro high 3:33 and simmer 12.  cut into small pieces and made omelets.  topped with lentils and leftover arroz con pollo lunch with beans.  because of basketball i stayed up 'til 10:45.  i didn't watch jeopardy the ken jennings show..  

oh, i don't know. anthem blue downgraded me

woke ready to go.  still i took my time.  i got to seniors 9 and i swam over an hour.  i took my time.  i'm living mindfully.  lunch was just toki and i.  eddy came and went.  we were good and cleared for dancers.  toki always remembers.  after lunch i went to savers.  i looked all over.  found a basket of hair dryers.  i bought 2, 'life with father' movie, microwave 700 watt like new $10.  i forgot rewards I looked online an hour and finally called store, they can add i can't.  i'm not stupid.  

home 3 pm i called to check my otc benefits only $30/quarter.  what!!??  i called member services care lon no more.  phone is south cal.  i received no info.  81 minutes to join new coverage cory bruffett.  like filling out a marriage license.  

i wanted to go sew but i finished phone 6 pm so next week maybe.  

costco? thrift stores?

or i can relax in bed.  happy holiday to me.  'blind willow...' very strange.  a french man's animation creation of japanese short stories using an anime style so not japanese.  i'm lying in bed researching thrift stores and laundromats.  how luxurious.

home from savers 3:30.  i looked at everything.  tomorrow 30 % senior discount.  i bought blue half price tags ornament hooks and an organizer $2.21.  i looked at everything.  nice store.  everything self check out.  next door grocery outlet $3 eggs and $2.19 chips.  

11:30 cup library

hot tubed at lucky gym saw ginny so loud like an islander.  water foamy men just sit in it.  soap and cells.  somehow i picked up cactus thorns.  i noticed and carefully removed from my suede boots.  janitor was sweeping and stirring up everything.  so lovely no schedule on a bright sunny day.  

i want to go to sunny.  i already ate a banana and had bars and cottage cheese in the trunk.  i could do laundry too.  i can do what i want.  library today laundry tomorrow.  1:30 no puzzle i like.  i started huck finn while i charge chrome.  cough er didn't even try to cover mouth.  just that dry shallow cough going around.  i left for home 4 and stopped sprouts found clearance dark chocolate pepitas and mint almonds 2 pieces chocolate cake $13+.  yippee!!

best life ever 3 day weekend

no competition.  everyone likes different things.  nothing's better just different.  

i'm trying to enjoy 'super mario brothers'.  it's a little violent.

i swam.  then detoured to sprouts i had lots of time.  clearance sandwich for lunch and lemon bites and orange cheese danish.  i visited st just's new store.  lunch noon at the library.  picked up 3 new discs.  i could have gotten more.  lots to watch.  sort of rhymes.  

progress is perfection-mallory made puzzle bookcases

it used to be 'progress not perfection' but now i realize progress is perfection.  i'm gradually becoming happier.  easing into heaven is much more comfortable than all at once.  

i'm ready to bingo.  well, i didn't win.  3 pm i was leaving walter was outside with his rooster.  i told him i had to get to safeway friday deals.  i got the last cooked beef and egg potato salad, and 2 clearance argan oil lavender shampoo.  score!  

morning was lucky's free drink and clearance 4 pieces bacon wrapped jalapeno stuffed sausage chicken breast $2.  i cooked one microwave hi-2.22 simmer 14 minutes.  so good.  so far i've eaten 2 lbs salad.  

bookmobile

what a beautiful day it's turned out to be.  lunch was ok.  i swam paying attention to the time avoiding 10:30 locker room traffic.  i got to seniors just as cody arrived by the time i got cart ready to roll he was set up he's so fast.  returned 3 borrowed 4 movies.  

it's so nice to eat with calm people.  so much better digesting.  trudy came by to drop news paper for toki and treated us 4 bags home made peanut butter cookies.  

6 am mashallah! thank god! (hot spot)

watching Pakistani 'what's love got to do with it?'  better than i hoped.  i watched 'fool's paradise'.  'bowfinger' better.  just thinking about it makes me laugh.

i swam.  i have to change my timing.  all schedules changed.  i forgot sewing machines at sunny library.  went completely out of my mind.  oh, well next week.  

i turned in sunny hot spot the 4th not even a week without.  i went from 29th in line.  tygj.

wheel on after basketball.  football now basketball.

taking time off

i decided i wanted to puzzle.  a new experiment on happiness.  premise:  if i'm happy then everything falls effortlessly into place.  

they purport to have potato salad bag lunch.  and i remembered i want to check prune lucky's for leg warmers and green burritos.  

11 am sitting lunch room i'd estimate most people are not happy.  not sad.  right on cue my allergies kicking up.  so dusty.

i puzzled a bit 2:30 i went to post office.  i was told i had to write from and to on box.   strange rules.   because it was book $4.67.   

i walked prune lucky's checked leg warmers, they may not be marked down by vendor.  green burritos 2/$1.  stopped walked homestead safeway burritos 79 cents.  bought chocolate parfait $3.49 and got cash used wi-fi.

9 pm i'm awake to watch 'only murders in the building.'  'embrace the mess.'  

roller coaster

up and down.  i drove as slowly as safe.  seniors 9:30 i went upstairs to puzzle for an hour to warm up.  showers not hot.  i took my time stretching.  lunch was ok.  chef salad and i waited to try extra bean stew.  

upstairs i puzzled walter and mini showed up 2 pm.  he rehashed November inspections and anxiety.  i realize he enjoys his anxiety.  he's closed off his feelings so all he can feel is anxious.  he chooses not to grieve.  he can't feel happy.  he's loyal to his dad's misery.  i had to stop 5 pm and then went back to use wi-fi.  took me half hour to check settings.  i'm ok.  i feel like i sacrificed 2 months of life listening to walter's tapes.  

rested 'til 3

checked wi fi nob hill.  walked store picked up ad.  then i considered libraries decided on cost co gas.  lovely warm $3.99 gal.  lots of cars i chose middle pumps #2 in line done 10 minutes.  started for home no gym #1 parking.  showers tepid i tried 3.  remembered lucky's leg warmers checked.  home before dark.

epiphany

i'm celebrating the 3 kings.  i watched health hacks movies.  i'm surprised they recommend oat meal for b'fast rather than protein.  

sprouts after seniors clearance $1.99 apple cider baked 9 doughnut holes $9 regular price, sandwich, 3 egg white mini quiche.  decided to check st just lots of clothes and food.  i parked under main, returned movies picked up one, ate my sandwich and watched people.  felt tired.  went home took 2 hours to sort food, cook pizza, partially defrost garage freezer iced shut.  used hammer, slot screw driver, bucket for ice chips.  reminds me of the 'monk' episode.  

bingo! and 'crumbles' cookie

inge left a specialty cookie butter cream scoop looking like a scoop of ice cream.  very good.  sidney gave me a cottage cheese salad.  i ate the cheese and lunch left overs.  i'm tossing the green beans and cantaloupe to the birds.  bingo i won late, 2x used beige boat neck sweat shirt.  i went to city bank paid cost co and hunted free lucky's peach reign storm.  i saw a lot of seniors in the store.  

i'm feeling happy.

i stayed up to watch wheel

i surprised myself.  i usually fall asleep.  i took a beet pill.  it says 4 a day but it has so many extra vitamins i only take one when tired.  works gentler than caffeine or chamomile.  i already take a multi with my supplements.  

i'm getting excited.  i'm going to return spot and check out sunny sewing.  diane pooh poohed it which i expected.  i think it's an amazing opportunity.  i love new safe quiet adventures and this is right up my alley.  she didn't even know the make of the sewing machine.  i'd like to repair art's jeans.  hand sewing is not for me.  too much.

i'm watching 'christmas angel'.  one of 5 angel movies from main.  so far 2024 is going very well.  

stopped at sprouts

 99 cent cheese.  i didn't feel the duck liver with pork morsels and cognac.  inge  said she loves it.  she gave me dirty mohair sequin black sweater.  eh, foie gras gone when i went to credit union.  i'll give ger cookies.  i'm feeling successful.  swam 45 min.

i puzzled at main 'til 6.  yay!! me!!

5:40 pm i'm so relaxed.

seniors i swam.  it's good to get back.  full body massage and stretching.  i walked sprouts no bargains.  i'm so glad i'm done for the day.  i forgot bank card.  i forgive myself.  i learned chase flora has changed its limits.  i got home at 2.  getting ready for tomorrow.  

rain was pounding at 5:30.  i'm finishing fun projects.   i cooked some onions, potatoes, carrots to add to frozen stew.  cooked sweet sour red cabbage.  ate pie and muffin.  and chips.  

leisure

an imperative.  i went to gym 2 and safeway.   half of 8 showers broken.  i walked the store nothing i wanted.  stopped at sprouts 2 cherry half pies 99 cents ea.  on the way home detoured to maria bought donut got cash.  the urge for not panda express i remembered sunny whole foods.  walked store bought disco deli hot teriyaki chicken thigh and tomato cod $7.83.  home 2 pm great lunch donut dessert.  napped 'til 5:30 watching r rated 'strays'. 

checked tv listings no football wheel of fortune new.  my first non family new year.  toki driving 3 hours to fresno reminded me.  every new year mandatory attendance and cooking 5 am until mom's last alien when decreed i was banned and mom agreed.  i finally got to sleep in.  then i hurt my back taking care of mom and 23 years of pain.