Saturday, December 28, 2013

Pain-free paint

The Pain from the past                                                         
Tomas was kind enough to choose the paint contractor for me.  I was emotionally paralyzed.  Too many decisions on what to leave behind from the past.                                                                      
I've been taking a vacation from my life here at 449 Zaton.  Spending 70% here, 25% at seniors, and 5% at 2281 Nobili av.
 Della's at Mary's in Ariz.

Strange new sensations, pain?  in different parts of the body.       

I called them Mon. 23rd and had tue and wed Christmas to adjust to the idea.  They started Thu and even came 10 min. early.   

Sunday, December 22, 2013

more pain surfacing-pain in paint

I have a new roof.  And now the painting.  And the terror of doing the wrong thing, making the wrong choice, and the resulting fear of lifelong humiliation is back. 

Ouch!!!!!  My shoulder blades feel as if I'm growing wings.  Hopefully something equally good arises.  Who knows?

All the physical trauma of being abused and the emotional pain of what my mom in her ignorance (I hope) encouraged A to become a sociopath by approving of the torture and laughing.  

Mom went out of her way to impress on me All through my childhood how retarded I was, until I went to kindergarten and tested as gifted.  One of the many family jokes about me, singling me out as the family joke.  Not the family comedian, but the family joke.  The literal butt of the family. 

How I was weirdly careful as an infant and never fell off the couch.  Did she want me to??

How I hated carrying my own soiled diapers.  Who would enjoy that??

And every day some new humiliation to endure.  I became terrific at enduring.   Observing my sisters given their every hearts' desire and "poor susan" learning to look the other way and pretending not to hear the laughter and learning not to care.

I learned to care for other things.  What is truly valuable,  what is truly important.  What is necessary, what is the minimum?  They left me nothing else.

My life so far has been barely surviving.  The depression, fear, solitude, all a flashback of my childhood.  

I guess that's what makes it so scary, I thought it was behind me and once again the same feelings are back.  

Out on my own from 1-39 yrs I learned coping behaviors, but was I really living?  Guess not if it's back.

Mr. Rhodes my advisor and first employer ( I tutored his daughter in math from a D to a B) was the first adult to help me.  He paid for me to go to a weekend Christian camp in Ben Lomond and applied to the colleges for me.  

I knew I'd have to pay my own way as always.  So I chose SJSU.  What would I have become with support??

I asked M&D why if I was such a retarded burden they kept Aunty Katchan from adopting me.  Mom said dad wouldn't allow it.  He wouldn't answer.  Confronting them at 39 may seem foolish but A only told me at 35.  Now I know he was just jealous.  Like the night he put my aquarium on the porch in the middle of winter, trying to kill my fish.  

And he taught Mit to do the same with my parakeets.  

Feeling exhausted. 

Got 4 estimates:  Affordable Ptg, HouseDrs, Faith Ptg, and Alfredo Perez.  

After the stress of finding and choosing a roofing contractor I'm emotionally and physically wasted.