Monday, April 16, 2012

Feelings shrouded in smoke

Been smoking Mar and Apr.  Kuni wrote a note I rcvd 3/30 that Kyochan died the 25th.  She fell and never recovered.  This last year Kyochan had a hard time just breathing.   I hope she managed to stop smoking.  I wonder if she ever tried the nicorettes I sent her?

I guess I feel depressed.  And maybe someday I'll feel grateful for this too.  During the week I could feel an increasing discomfort building.  Saturday I went to pscyho-scrapbooking 9-11:30 .  Vascillated whether I felt like going.  Dragged myself there and found out M's (she wasn't there) breakthrough last week warrented more intense treatment.  Felt wrung out like a dish towel when I got home due to my realizations.  How I'd been programmed and subtly trained.  The recurring horse theme in my life.  Dad's love of westerns when he couldn't love us.  I had put them together unconsciously.  Looking for love in all the wrong places and for the wrong reasons.

Then on Sunday couldn't get out of bed.  Puttered around the house until 4pm and realized it was A's bday.  The only thing keeping me going is


Took myself to Walgreen's for a newspaper and wandered around the store 'cause I felt like it.  There being no one in checkout.  Then when I felt the green light to checkout I saw R two places ahead of me.  I followed her out because I wasn't sure it was her with a huge bandage on her forehead.  She said she fell.
I didn't offer help I couldn't manage.  Big breakthrough for me.  I can barely manage my life.  I was in the right place at the right time.  Even feeling depressed.  Gives me hope that everything will come out all right.

I feel smoky in my middle if I describe it.  Ahh, the smoking.  Ahh, the swelling.

I've been reading the Anne series by Montgomery.  Tolkien's Ring trilogy kept me sane during high school.  Decided I want to create a place people can experience to lift them out of the everyday.  Give them a break.