HEAVEN

my feet up main library lovely peace quiet.  i have ear buds if i want healing music.  i finished puzzle here job well done.  it's a beautiful day i entered safeway codes 4 more another gift card.  lovely lunch restful nurturing.  

last night i stayed sunny library 5:30 returned hot spot although many keeping loans since no fines.  city freezes loans account if overdue not sunny.  dinner i heated brn rice, patty, peas cauliflower.  nutella oatmeal so good i ate it all.  almonds this am i had toast leftover rice.  

safeway wednesday freebie 2.6 oz tuna ready sandwich.  so i drove to chase to use wifi impatient to load safeway parking lot wifi also.  then seniors shower puzzle workout.  

very satisfying.  packing car at central after finishing puzzle i left black mesh gym clothes bag in locker.  time for new clothes?  i don't feel sad and depressed.  i feel like celebrating.

learning to love myself

the hardest lesson when you've been taught by your family you don't matter you don't exist.  

doing what i want

first i have to determine what that is.  seniors i showered and puzzled sans brace solid 45 min.  my back so sore.  lunch lovely with toke, ron, joanie, alex.  then over to central to return movies and puzzle.  stopped dollar tree for frozen burgers chili instant brown rice.  i'm loving not cooking.  made instant cinnamon oatmeal slivered almonds for dessert.  i've never enjoyed cooking.  probably the punishment being 8 yrs old forced to cook and constantly being punished and criticized.  

life is a sine wave

i'm up.  i took out garbage 1 pm felt pretty good.  safeway free 6 oz olives so i went lucky gym then ecr to maria safeway.  i walked store and considered mini bear paws but opted for frozen peas cauliflower didn't just 4 u so clerk fixed it.  home 3 pm.  

i'm feeling dst.  my inner clock is thrown off.  i have to remember i've survived the pain before and i will again.  my right hip shoulder blades sinuses skull sore.  exhausting processing pain uses so much energy.

ok gym 2 then sunny library

i puzzled filled water charged chrome explored.  home 2 i wasn't hungry 'til i heated instant brown rice with burger and peas.  croissant for dessert then chips watching jamie cooking.  4 pm nap attack.  

i forgot how sick i was.  now i'm just tired and sleepy.  the family critic tries to distract me.

in bed eating b fast

turkey and stuffing wasabi almonds.  watching "kim's" my tv family.  i don't can't miss what i've never had.  they say the same things without the underlying meaness hatred.  they speak and act with love.  they get angry and sincerely regret.  

i'm doing due diligence shopping free nitro lucky's.

i'm longing for the days i could bounce out of bed without the extended stretching just to be able to move.  everything is so sore.  

best ever.

making the best thnxgiving ever

woke watched my tv family.  found "kim's convenience" 3 & 4.  requested 2 & 5.  sunny had complete new ordered but only actually season 1.  

2:30 home.  best thanks giving ever!!  10 am gym very busy parking crowded.  took my time dollar tree 2 cool whip for lunch.  walter waved me over at first presbyterian terrific lunch.  kathy from seniors no flora must be with her family.  fabulous food.  made me laugh they kept finding food they forgot in the kitchen.  baby peas carrots honey baked spiral cut ham.  turkey gravy mash wild rice stuffing sweet corn salad rolls butter.   wonderful desserts pumpkin apple pecan brownies 3 cranberries heavenly.  

tired and back hurting walter reminded close to st clare and college safeway.  saw alex and ron and joanie a couple.  he was panicking gave him first church diections 3 times.  he thinks i'm his jealous mother.  i find it amusing he thinks i care.  got p'nuts and cheese last day on sale.  

i'm ready for nap.  too excited.  best holiday ever.  back is manageable lots of good food for today and tomorrow.  

shoulder blades

must be directly connected to heart.  i'm sighing a lot.  releasing the past the pain.  never having loving parents creates a hole that people fill with drugs alcohol food sex anything to avoid feeling the emptiness trying to feel whole.  

doctors must make treatment more fun, make people want to go.  

i feel so weird like i have bubbles in my body.  i did what i want all day.  morning i went to seniors 9:30 for holiday lunch.  showered and puzzled.  sat round table regular seating blocked.  ugly plastic plug in turkey couldn't use regular plug to charge computer which i left in car anyway.  gloria pointed out extra electical so i retreived chrome from car for music.  sweet.  best holiday lunch yet with my favorite peeps.  

what a difference

 my back is better.  

i've never been apoligized to before.  i didn't know how to reacr i was stunned.  yesterday when a priviledged white woman put 2 suits in the spinner and had trouble i mentioned sign said 1 suit at a time she answered "i know".   i replied "must be nice not to care you break it and ruin it for everyone.  she apologized to me.  no one has ever apologized to me and meant it.  

deja vu

i'm in excruciating pain.  again.  i can barely get out of bed again.  i may have to use a cane again.  good i only have mon tu we this week.  i can baby myself.  3 days doable.  i have frozen lasangna for thanksgiving if i can't get around..

37 o could be contributing to my bdy issues.  dry cold.  it won't get warmer 'till 10.  oh what to do.  could be the tiny bit of nicotine taken for the anxiety and fear.  i'm only feeling excruciating pain no fear or anxiety.  i'll take willow kava turmeric and passionflower.  wait for it to work.

today was ok.  back settled down 2 pm i went main and sunny pick up i can rest tomorrow.

back is better.

open for business

not ready.  good i don't need to be.  i just want to sleep.  depressedor tired.  or both.  

i taste tested 3 coconot waters.  i've been wanting to and didn't always distractions.  i prefer without fruit or added vitamins tasted weird.  

i'm still in a critical mindset of forcing myself r/t allowing.  i don't want anything from sunny book sale.  swim maybe nice $ tree.  or i can luxuriate in bed all day.  i'm slowly emptying trunk loaded after eric insecurity.  made me fel safe.  like i could run away from my sad life.

i want to do something.  took me half hour maneuvering my feet to clip toes my arthritis so stiff.  and now what?  i could enjoy swimming.  i don't feel drawn to sunny book sale.  ooh, i do like good a puzzle.  

dozing memories of lying bedridden starving hungry and everything making me violently ill even water.  heart palpitations from dehydration hooked up to saline drip for hours drinking emetrol.  i have to go through to get beyond.  all from back injury.

i'm feeling calmer

i've been rewatching new copy of 2018 "reinventing rosealee" one year after eric died i was still in shock having gone through 5 years of different cancers with him.  she was 101.  online update i found she died dec 14, 2019 after seeing trump.  ironic.  despite eating i feel horrible.  lillian's inside edition interview so sad tragic avoidable.  some trips aren't worth it.  

41 degrees out i'm blessed i can wait for weather warm up.  i'm generally listening to healing.

3 days in a row pch horoscope the same.  i must be in a loop.

charged my phone couldn't remove silver alert called re management calls MIKAL said scam calls ignore.  tried again to remove alert.  managed to delete.

11:30 57degrees ready to move.  toke left doz. croissamts porch.  lucky gym then st justin drove through home one bag $20 gift card.  then mail cathy sent 4 masks from hawaii.  i waited called her 8:30.  

10:30 am senior women's locker

still feeling sad and depressed.  at this point it may be residual or habit.  mu eyes are burning.  me or the environment?  might be smoky or pollen dust mold.  i'm allergic to all.  i can take herb.

call me mellow yellow

 

the other frank t

eric and steph got engaged wed 3/11/98 and the next day eric's dad was killed outside togami auoto repair willow glen by a drunk driver.  fr 3/13/98 steph called asking me to sit koden and 58 yrs old i didn't know what that was having been ostracized by my family my entire life.  for six months they went to frank's murder trial eric a witness rode in the ambulance.  i couldn't process any of it too busy keeping it together my dad died the next year.  i had no one it's bubbling up now.  i thought i had it handled.  it was suppressed.  

god knows i want a smoke.  carlos reset the light i gave him the hot sauce.

weird energy.  i made micro popcorn and the pyrex lid exploded.  the pie plate all over again.

lunch was good.

i was missing toke picked up neice san jose airport and she showed up on time hurrah!  ron alex toke heaven.  introduced joanie to ron she likes him he likes her.  excellent.   ron took alex's spot.  maybe he'll sit with joanie.  

after lunch i went up to puzzle.  resisted calling carlos check engine light.  i didn't realize how much i was missing eric.  we always did at least 2 karaoke shows a week during the holidays.  i was crying doing the puzzle processing my sadness.  carlos said tomorrow morning.  gives me time to compose and process.  i resented him at first huh.  that's new.  

what a day

put out garbage and recycle.  checked out homeless mower flimsy.  sleeping in parking lot.  gym3 swam 8 am lovely.  forgot slippers ok.  seniors spun suit and puzzled b4 and after lunch.  lovely alex and toke.  3 pm $tore 1 burger left 2 chick egg roll dinner with senior salad tterrific.  

got jury duty notice i'm exempt 70 ceiling.  bed 8 pm not interested in tv.  too sleepy.

safeway gameon no yahoo sfymail

8 pm watching celebrity jeopardy then wheel.  it's been a struggle staying awake.  this week feeling so tired.  i've been asleep by 9:30 latest exhausted.  

grandma fixations

men have mother or grandmother fixations i've come into my time.  i think my arthritis physically directed me to a calmer thoughtful life.  or i could be full of it.  whatever it might be.

i forgot about church.  10 am they must be starting.  so next week if i remember gym, church sunny library book sale.  'any day now' on i choose not to watch, wow.  relaxing my back.

vacation

the rest of my life.  whatever life i have is permanent vacation.  i picked up free p'nuts, trident gum 785 safe way continued on to 150 clearance olive and corn breads, lemon coconut cookies.  gym leisurely swim.  met jakob 63 east indian christian.  shared senior center.  he works s clara apple lives campbell.  from there sunny library puzzle 'til 6 close.  home soup bread.  bed 9:30.  most excellent day.

i didn't eat lunch and i didn't miss it.

been awake 2 hours.

so it's really 6:21.  i warmed up lunch leftovers.  so bland i added balsamic chicken i cooked with dry curry.  tasty.  i love cooking whimsically.

gym busy lunchtime.  i dropped slipper and walked back to car clerk had it in back.  weird.  

sunny library open returned and borrowed new series 'delicious' dawn french.  still feel tired better after soaked in tub.  

dinner can green pea soup 2 toasts.  

pot movie 'dough'

i'd forgotten the underlying sense of anxiety.  actually i wasn't aware of it at all.  ex was the complete package.  all my family fears in one.  

time for b'fast.  egg spinach cheese burrito enough for 4.  ate 1 took to seniors.  luch low sugar feeling sick ate another.  2 pm puzzle Walter showed up with minnie support chicken.  i ate another gave him one.  ron at lunch quoted rabindranath tagore"god respects me when i work but he loves me when i sing".  probably the only 2 in the seniors to know that. 

keep forgetting

i don't own anything.  it's on loan.  i'm a conduit.  when i remember i'm not attached.

i almost forgot my swim suit seniors.  what a life.  safe way free wheat loaf.  i went college easy p easy.  stand front aisle.  whew! i'm feeling tired.  too much yesterday.  today i puzzled seniors 2 half hours.  i lost my shower comb yesterday.

24 wi-fi connect

sunny may have hot spot.  not yet.  was pouring rain.  no drought.  i'm parked lot.  in the pool i remembered seniors free swim.  cut short went didn't feel like dressing all over again so puzzled.  lunch good.  i'm so funny.  i was telling toke about my paddington bear hat.  i looked all over and went upstairs looking for it.  i left it on table as space saver.  i'm a maniac.  

so i checked my account and hot spot ready sunny i went.  puzzled to my heart's content home 3.  decided to pick avocados.   it's been rainy and windy and i don't want muddy avocados.  

my parents tried to make me a boy

it still hurts.  predators wound to better kill their prey.  i feel myself bleeding still from the wounds.  they weaken and cripple.  i wonder what i could have done and been.  reading about gender reveal reaction on tiktok.  more wounded crippled girls easy prey for predators.  that's why lazy parents cripple their kids boys and girls to make them perform.  SIGH.  easier to manipulate.  

i loaded free body armor drink safe way home stead.  after gym clearance 6/$2 do nuts and garlic baguette $2 and $20 change.  as i'm leaving a monk came in with all his worldly possesions.  he's american raised asian 35-40 shaved head immaculate wearing a red stanford tee.  speaks perfectly.  patrick call him henry.  filled b'fast large soup with hot clam chowder so i ended giving him my new perfect back pack i never used, $20, garlic bread.  same energy as eckhart tolle and thic nhat han.  i met and supported them too on their journeys.  i was sad to give up my perfect back pack he needed more than i.  if i can truly let it go i will leave a space for something even better to come into my life.  returned to car for new mask, sanitizer, wipes.

then family fall out feeling threatened doing good.  family threats criticisms.  telling me i'm stupid for doing good.  so i explained to toke asked her to tell me i'm ok.  she's wonderful.  she remembered sun day comics.  i forgot.  

i could go to sunny.  rainy cold.  

dst

i'm returning to simple and easy.  

to church?  two weeks 'til thanksgiving.  p a really did a number on my heart.  i'm not quite ready to trust again.

i'm excited

productive week.  i'm going to xmas craft fair first presbyterian 9-3.  took my time 9:30 Flora gave me big hug.  i told her free swim tues & thurs front desk told her classes only all full.  i found 4 books i wanted $3.  

stopped st just pantry sign up for holidays.  home i put away groceries ate waffle and strawberries had to nap.  awoke energized went to 24 Alex working will be transferring to Soquel.  dinner i opened princess chicken soup with salad.  ice cream dessert.  i found yogurt and toke's crackers.  

mellow fry day

loaded freebie yogurt drink.  so cold 45 o waited 'til 9.  swam then seniors.  lunch good company alex and toke so mellow.  walter came by i wanted to go puzzle at main.  great parking 1 pm puzzle trashed picked up new chrome zero charge sunny has hot spot.  my connection is covered for 3 weeks.  then safeway eggs and sushi for dinner.    

ooh, 'young rock' sea 3- eps 1 tonight.  i'll try watching again.  eh, if too many commercials i can borrow later.  i nuked and toasted chicken spring rolls for dessert.   

i'm hungry

heated rice beans chicken mole leftover lunch.  better than first time.  Danny's recycle no room in trunk and senior bookmobile 10 am.  pools great.  forgot suit in shower.  Parmesan chicken good.  salad creative lettuce beans beets i picked out diced peppers.   no toke finished early called star one with ira numbers and planned signing papers at s creek blvd.  first i went walmart checked water and gum none.  passing citi bank stopped closed paid bill atm.  signed forms finalized distribution 9/5/2023.  dad's death day.  

feeling successful $tore dinners and ice cream treat.  dropped off avocados oranges to toke.  

home tired hungry made bean burritos napped.  very productive week.

$70 to bart

expire today eh i'll get more.  i loaded free safeway tribe feta dip.  picked up @ home stead.  7 am i looked backyard to check wooden ladder and bart working barely light.  i paid him and gym was wonderful.  

mission cu deposit 133 water in metal bottle didn't want Halloween candy or coffee tea.  

11 am seniors missing suit.  oh well.  listened to healing.  after lunch puzzled a little.  driving i detoured to rite aid to get appointment and instead got my flu and booster.  easy peas y.  going to patelco to finalize ira transfer statement numbers my cdl was missing.  backtracked to rite aid finally found it in shot room.  patelco called ira division didn't want to look up numbers.  wanted me to go to my financial advisor i don't have.  finally gave me numbers.  they NEVER sent me any statements.  lack of disclosure and cooperation not good.  

24 hour picked up my suit and searched lucky's found vitamin gum.  home very tired ate chips cheese toast napped.  coupons expire nob hill i want to support just feeling tired.  maybe the shots.  i went used 4 coupons an hour walking the store i treated myself raspberry parfait.

i figured it out finally

i'm happy.  a certain type of man sees i'm happy and wants to take credit for my happiness.  that's why they start demanding changes.  i don't need a smart phone, or face book, or a man telling me what i need.

gym was great.  dollar tree i bought small olive oil for teeth brushing.  i love how it feels.  i swam at seniors and warm tub massage.  i was energized.  after lunch i puzzled 'til 2 then to chase withdrew.  remembered safeway soup, bread sale ends.  no vibes gum.  picked up holds at main distracted i stayed 'til 6:30 puzzle.  remembered eggs nob hill out bought boiled egg land free strawberries.  i may use other coupons tomorrow.