catching up with myself

Did it again.  I talked to Toki while she was on the stationary bike and I forgot to tighten my back brace.  I had it on but didn't fasten the straps.  I guess I injure myself to slow myself down.  I do have a habit of turbo charging.

So last night and today I'm  relflecting and taking my pain meds.  I still managed to cook pork and beans last night.  And I'm readying myself for laundry. 

I'm typing better but I guess because of taking typing in high school and being stuck in it for the whole term when it only takes two weeks to actually learn it was so frustrating to me I still feel resentment.  Another form of hurting myself.

I'm going through all the literature I've collected and catching up there too.

I don't know how I got the title to be red or the background of this blog so pretty.  I think this is my favorite blog. 

Let's see how this looks.  TYG I love it.!!!!

All the blogs are reflections of different aspects of myself.  Still learning who I am.  Moving toward who I'm becoming.

NEVER BELIEVED I'D LIVE SO LONG

This color thing is fascinating.  Makes me happy.  I feel creative.  Called EHollywood to see if he wanted to movie on Memorial Day.  He didn't pick up but called back.  He saw avengers already.  I'd rather see MIB3 in imax. 

I do want to see what imax is like.  Haven't since the Disneyland travel across america.

Tomas brought me cupcakes and worked 2 1/2 hrs in yard.  I'm feeling pretty good after 2.  Still have to finish picking up weeds.  I put away tools and got splinter.  I guess I still haven't quite accepted my good gracefully.

Everything coming into alignment.

This is cool.  I hated the new format until I found the color pallettes for text and background.

Yesterday was T's b-day.  Called him a.m. and wanted to take him to lunch or dinner.  He said D wanted to take him to lunch and we could join.  Too advantageous to miss.  Two birds.  Had nice time. 

Stopped at citibank on her corner for cash and the account summary charged me $10.  So stopped in to ask what the charge and found they dinged me for transferring a credit they owed me to my

.  The computer called it a cash advance.  I had to explain three times it wasn't a cash advance because they owed me the money from refunded fees and penalties when I paid my account on time.  The system is so lame.  And the tellers have to deal with irate customers. 

Just another nail in their coffin.  More incentive to leave them.  I'll divorce them.

I had cash and didn't have to stop at bank.  Glad I did.  I wonder how many others are charged, don't check their statements and just pay them unearned $??

Went to Savers for senior day.  Found skirt and hanging organizer.   

I like the new colors.  So artisic and me.

Feelings shrouded in smoke

Been smoking Mar and Apr.  Kuni wrote a note I rcvd 3/30 that Kyochan died the 25th.  She fell and never recovered.  This last year Kyochan had a hard time just breathing.   I hope she managed to stop smoking.  I wonder if she ever tried the nicorettes I sent her?

I guess I feel depressed.  And maybe someday I'll feel grateful for this too.  During the week I could feel an increasing discomfort building.  Saturday I went to pscyho-scrapbooking 9-11:30 .  Vascillated whether I felt like going.  Dragged myself there and found out M's (she wasn't there) breakthrough last week warrented more intense treatment.  Felt wrung out like a dish towel when I got home due to my realizations.  How I'd been programmed and subtly trained.  The recurring horse theme in my life.  Dad's love of westerns when he couldn't love us.  I had put them together unconsciously.  Looking for love in all the wrong places and for the wrong reasons.

Then on Sunday couldn't get out of bed.  Puttered around the house until 4pm and realized it was A's bday.  The only thing keeping me going is

THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

Took myself to Walgreen's for a newspaper and wandered around the store 'cause I felt like it.  There being no one in checkout.  Then when I felt the green light to checkout I saw R two places ahead of me.  I followed her out because I wasn't sure it was her with a huge bandage on her forehead.  She said she fell.
I didn't offer help I couldn't manage.  Big breakthrough for me.  I can barely manage my life.  I was in the right place at the right time.  Even feeling depressed.  Gives me hope that everything will come out all right.

I feel smoky in my middle if I describe it.  Ahh, the smoking.  Ahh, the swelling.

I've been reading the Anne series by Montgomery.  Tolkien's Ring trilogy kept me sane during high school.  Decided I want to create a place people can experience to lift them out of the everyday.  Give them a break.

Tired of feeling tired

Still achy and tired.  And I'm taking better care of myself.  I'm still ridiculously proud of myself for soldiering on when there's no payoff.  Oh foolish.  There never was a payoff.  Except the humiliation and abuse seemed less.  Didn't know A was laughing. 

Monday mtg another piece of the puzzle.  Bc shared he was to have been a Vietnam sacrifice and disappointed his parents by choosing life, avoiding the draft.  I've been tortured with not knowing WHY they wouldn't let me have a chance at life through adoption.  They kept me for the drama.  With my heart condition the pity and pathos could be milked forever.  Where was the milk of human kindness? 

If I'd been adopted I'd have been treasured and loved instead of neglected and tortured.  They would have had access to real money.  Dad could have been a happy alcoholic.  Mom could have been the happy homemaking co-dependent.  They ruined everything.  And like always my job to clean it up.  No wonder I'm so tired and angry. 

Well, this time they can't horn in on the glory and try to ruin it for me.  Only I can do that now.  Power!!

So I was tortured.  Not even a good reason.  I'm feeling so angry.

I'm still functioning.  A miracle.  I haven't had to sabotage myself for learning a fact.  I didn't need to punish myself for improving my life.  I am improving my life. With each accurate fact the puzzle of my life becomes clearer.  I remembered the B of A was due today and I was calm all day.  I just went and paid it. EZ-PZ.

Or am I just exhausted?  No, I think it's real progress.

Tomas helped me clear my head a lot yesterday.  He is so good at accepting people the way they are.  Even when that means they suffer for it.  I can't take the suffering.  I leave it. 

Watching Dr. Northrup's Mother-Daughter Wisdom  is healing.  Seven times for an A.  Watch six times for B, etc.  Five more to go.

My feelings are so mixed up and blocked I'm not entirely sure how I feel.  Precisely how I continued to hurt my back.  I wasn't sure of my feelings.  I took Ginsberg's assessment over my feelings. 

I never trusted the family why did I trust her?  I didn't.

I was just too exhausted to fight.  I'd used all my reserves taking care of Mom and Dad.  I had nothing left.  I felt I was dying.  Ail was giving me grief at home.  24-7. 

I want.  I need.  What?

Okay I caught cold.

My confusion with my life improving.  I've succumbed to the influence of the group.  Feeling insecure and achy.  Feverish too.  For the first time in my young life I'm feeling totally. 

As part of self-sabotage I've misplaced SV lib. copy of the horse and his boy.  I think I dropped it at SC city.

Oh, my aaching back.  Home and self-care.  Whatever I need.

update:
Yes, I did return it to city. 

Reminders of Debts

Blogging from Eric Togami's. 


OK the check engine light on the third time.  The second time after a gas fillup.  Yesterday at Savers after coming directly from Costco.  I didn't freak out this time.  I guess anxiety is contagious.  I never used to be so illogical.  I caught it from the parents.  After they died their legacy of fear continues.  I guess maybe that's where Mit and Ail are coming from.  The reptilian brain supercedes the mammalian and everything  becomes a survival issue.  Only using discipline and logic and prayer overcomes the heavy neural program. 

So I called Eric and once more to the rescue.  He's fixing it in his inimitable fashion.  He's such a superlative mechanic.  This  car thing has been going on for maybe four months.  And he has been so wonderful about it.  The first time he reset the sensors and told me to get heavy duty Marine engine additive.  It worked for a few months.  And he said if the gas cap isn't on tight the engine compreshion is affected.  Why it happens after a fillup I don't know.

I hung out with Denise, his office manager.  I seem to have a lot of personality traits in common with her.  Obviously of above average intelligence and compassion.  Seriously.  Sounds affected but I mean it.   

Another member of the tribe. 

What happened??

Somehow all my blogging is erased.  Big Do-Over.

14 minutes later restored and edited since I don't know how to uncreate this blog.

Still wrestling with the internet.  Feeling sudden desire for corn chips.  I'm feeling Soo Confused.  Or Suu Confused.  Good name.

This new Susan, Suusan, Soosan is feeling New!  Like a baby.  I've been experiencing Euphoria for this week.  My back is hurting in new unknown places and my new shoes ( Grocery Outlet) make my feet feel I can leap tall buildings in a single bound. 

I somehow keep closing this out and have to keep signing in.  The odd thing is this new address works better than the other two.

When I typed in hersusanstory I came to II.  In the blog title I used lower case L and without typing the two I arrived at the II. 

Another mystery I don't need to solve.