dreams of my family also tue 28

i'm releasing bad sad memories.   listening to healing subliminals is changing my life.  i'm changing my life.

checked sprouts bakery specials chocolate custard twists saved 3.50, blueberry flax muffins $6.49, 99 cent rocky road bites saved $6 ea 2.  so good.

swam half hour then puzzled.  gloria came so we went to lunch early.  we had table to ourselves.  tiny lunch.  went back to puzzle out waiting the rain.  

2 pm tired i saw walter talking to his counselor i came home.  hungry alex gave me salad i topped with chinese beef like steak salad delicious.  

still concerned uncomfortable

i'm proud of myself.  i slept ok.  9 am took an hour searching my car in likely places found tax papers in my car calendar.  i kept moving it around for the safest place.  next year i want to immediately put with tax records.  if i remember.  my right haunch is spasming.  stress relieved.  releasing.  my life was held together by fear and threats.  love is scary when unknown.  

thinking back when i was bedridden.  i'd get up to shower and collapse in bed from the ordeal.  neuropathy so bad i used dad's shower chair to wash.  after searching car for 2 days my body is wrung out.  heavenly feeling my body recovering listening to healing giving myself gift.  i decided on gym 2 walked safeway bought slivered almonds.  no suit spinner i only showered.  i went to cup safeway walked store bought 2 lunches 2 items no special.  $5 difference.  cup library same as always.  back to sunny picked up hot spot, 'ticket to paradise', karma 3.  puzzled dog hair sinus headache.  left as it was starting to sprinkle.  stopped at sprouts for 10 elderberry.  home just as starting to rain.  chinese food so delicious.  peach pie cranberry oat cookie.  

taxes in car chrome crashed

i thought i put it with bill paying i must have put it in back pack roller that broke.  doesn't seem to be in house.  i had lotions and scents in it.  hmm.  i can get duplicates.  file an extension.  

heaven is a state of being

i'm watching 'igor'.  ate tuna brown rice.  super loaded blueberry cranberry nuts grains bran muffin dessert.  mulling over to do today.  what i want to do if anything.  i'm feeling energized.  i survived wednesday blunder forgetting brace.  more pain than usual i survived.

feeling ambitious i puttered and cooked spaghetti with amy spicy chili not good.  doctored with amino and yogurt cheese better not great.  i prefer great.  i love my blouses makes me happy looking at them.  delicate chiffon complex crochet feminine beautiful 2 the color of the sun and 2 sterling silver rose.  i so deserve them and dark chocolate almond roca.  

it's so luxurious to lie in bed healthy enjoying the comfort.  

finally all the messages making sense coalescing

everything, vision blurring, weird check engine light, all reminding me to concentrate on the heaven i want to live in.  today there's snow all around the hills like denver, colo.  when i visited 1987 they had target stores.  we lost all our white multi stores and 6 months after trip target built in cupertino.  my first experience in getting what i want.  

stopped sprouts i'm trying elderberry drink powder.  i can't taste anything beautiful indigo.  ross dress for less lady bug blouses 2 gold 2 dusty rose crochet and chiffon.  $7 ea.  i economize so i can splurge.

sunny library puzzled.  home added can tuna to brown rice.  2 pieces pumpkin pie.

i went to sprouts 7:30

for'tuna' and bakery specials maybe 3 dozen items i bought pumpkin, peach pies super vegan fruit muffins $1.99 ea.  amazing.  toki never heard of but i gave her pretend jerky.

number 2,000

forgot back brace.  struggled with joanie boots and drove to safeway for free pico de gallo.  lots of trees blown around limbs broken in parking lot.  bought gum clearance cheese bread.  stopped dollar tree clearance valentines, beef bean burritos, chicken pasta, cinnamon donuts.  home put on back belt 2 in trunk.  seniors good relaxing.  main parked outside no elevator underground.  puzzled 'til 4.  home ate and rested forgot cup library password finally found reference phone number.  i have to update e mail address.  requested 2 new movies.

fun day

today's daily word.  seniors 8 am i swam water parked.  lunch good both glorias, alex, toki, diane.  ron came late.  parked under central.  puzzled power went out main 3 pm came home winds hurricane blew off neighbor's shed roof across street.  i considered sunny when power out at home.  how to heat dinner.  went to read in car and finished lunch.  inside house power back on relaxed watched tv.  watched new night court and american auto bed 9 pm.

happy holiday

i may stay in bed all day.  watching good grief new zealand 2 series.  lol.  b'fast pork chop onions broccoli lots of almond drink.  st just 14 chicken wings baked 6.

10:30 motor revving went lucky gym pool tub water perfect 85-102 respectively.  1 pm home i nuked frozen dinner added fresh broccoli 2 eggs.  next time tofu to balance salty soy sauce.  back in bed 2 pm.  3 pm remembered wings, glazed honey mustard.  so delicious.  

woke 3 am

3:47 pm i do love playing.  cooked 2 pork chops i went lucky gym 11:30 am cruised to library.  just finished second puzzle.  very satisfying.  both hot spots are ready.  i'll wait 'til i have to turn in central combo.  

life is good

and getting better.  well, i'm getting better.  doing my part in healing the planet by healing myself as a part of the planet.  i used to think i had to heal the entire planet.  how grandiose of me.  from my family blaming and making me responsible for the universe.  making me responsible for them and i married the same blaming irresponsible baby.

i spent 12 hours in bed.  this time on purpose.  10 am i dressed 54 degrees the engine light went off and i went to st j pantry looking for eggs.  said hi to sydney and gloria was there found me discard extra dozen.  i found extra can tuna, pillow cases, apron.  library 3 movies and new book.  holiday libraries and lunch closed i'm set.  home i cleaned broccoli cooked onion potato added eggs.  finished brown rice chop.  feeling very satisfied.  ate popcorn dessert.  3 pm more bed rest.  dinner 5 nothing on tv.  tired 7:30 back to bed.

quiet time

ray bradbury said 3 am is the best time to think w/o the psychic static of other people thoughts.  he spoke at gavilan jr college gilroy '85 or '86.  miracles abound.  i never considered.  and i'm a founding mother of gavilan hills church.

yesterday i wasn't at all hungry for b'fast and today i am.  it's refreshingly freezing cold.  i must kick my feet a lot the blankets are snarled.  and my legs and back feel ok.  i have chinese noodles and orange chicken to heat up.  i think i'll b'fast in bed like the rich.  laughing how good chinese food for b'fast millions in china every day.

no freebie lucky's decided to check clearance at Saratoga double points pork chops boneless 3 for $3.  packed in car trunk cold water bottles.  no unsalted chips paid pge @ Walmart walked store no chips.  senior parking 10:12 checked phone 2 v mails sunny library 2 from cathy in hawaii returned call she was on ride to fed ex to copy papers.  thought i was ignoring her no.  hot water back on showered.  lunch lovely sat row 3 usurped by lunch birds always moving for first service.  little gloria, alex, toki, at victor's regular table.  3 men 3 women. 

after digesting, home to drop off cooked 1 chop.  checked Lawrence lucky's 3 unsalted chips hurray!  buy 2 one free.  used rewards points.  on to sunny library puzzled 'til 4:30 home heated precooked brown rice with chop and cranberry yum.  2 pieces brioche toast and chips dessert.  lopez vs lopez and young rock on tv bed 9 pm.

great day

gym 8 am 40 degrees lovely hot tub unlimited hot shower.  made sure i got to seniors early.  bookmobile has copy of Fabelmans lucky day.  no hot water seniors so no rinsing off chlorine from pools.  making people walk outside in the cold around building.  ridiculous.  

lunch good little gloria, alex, diane, toki, joanie.  i sat with joanie digesting she walked me to my car i gave her choc cherries.  she's so brave.  she's wounded too and doesn't use it as an excuse to wound others.  i respect that.  walked her to her car found shepherds purse growing in divider.  sunnyvale library i finished bird garden and played dr who puzzle 'til 4:30.  

home i heated safeway chinese noodles orange chicken added green salad.  dessert 5 slices toasted brioche bread.  

bed 9 pm.

ate so much

and feeling good.  listening to healing and dreaming.  i'm resolving my anger and disappointment.  i love my lunch family.  better late than never.

7:30 time to rise and shine.  filled tank, forgot cheese freebie.  seniors no showers extreme cold i decided to look college freebie none soup lentil 4/$5.  i went computer to play.  little gloria, gloria, toki, alex.  changed store to homestead nothing decided to check maria nothing.  gym 2 choc cherries valentine 75 cents i got 10.  cupertino clearance unicorn mac cheese and 2 dinners one and half price $13.

disrespectful

i woke upset.  i dreamed of small boy walking down underground parking ramp driveway.  posted no foot traffic cars only but i've seen many adults walking ramp teaching kids unsafe behavior.  2 librarians at sunny suggested i keep book making it overdue since no fines like stealing.  like sister at county library.  making me thief and disrespectful to the patrons following the rules.  life on its own is hard enough without making it worse.  if everyone autistic following rules respect ingrained.

i accept grace and gratitude.  just showed up in listening queue.  underlining title malfunctioning.  no just avoiding below line letters.  looks weird to me.

seniors good funny valentines.  dollar tree i bought a dozen 25 cent meat cheese snack sticks and 2 bags cinnamon donuts.  i felt just right.  i did puzzle and walter showed up at closing last 2 snack sticks he was hungry.  i decided dollar tree and home.  dinner of fish sticks, lunch salads, mac'n green beans.  a lot.  donuts for dessert.  good day.

i got so angry remembering the humiliation going to college i paid for myself being laughed at and compared to gary older sister's classmate career student as long as his parents paid.  i worked so hard yet they sabotaged and ridiculed me always.  the jealous vindictive bitches. 

happy b'day aaron

my sisters like my mom, tom, ron, jealous.  i guess most people are when i consider.  i don't get it.  is it an infant thing?  fear of loss maybe.  

i've been flashing back to being a toddler dad giving me beer.  sitting laughing getting drunk with his cronies.  mom's stated reason for moving mainland.  get him away from drunks.  his father her oldest brother all his friends.

i think i'm happy.  i've always kept so busy doing i never considered happy only busy.  my life scheduled and planned to do not be.  SIGH.  always so busy doing being is also an action.  

seniors at 9 i showered exercised half hour wandered around walking.  lunch ok little glo, alex, diane, toki, ron very late.  took most of it to sunny library to play space puzzle and check requests.  listened healing relaxing healing.  i keep forgetting to hang oil self portrait i painted 1976 looks like healing music covers.  home 4 thinking of sweets for valentine's.  tired all the exercise.  

i laugh thinking when i set the screen dark on chrome at night then couldn't see.  it makes a good night light on medium.   

pie in the sky 1996-super bowl LVII

7 years dealing with the family unit.  living in denial to survive the past becoming the present again.  i kept telling myself they'd get better and i could leave again.  british tv the one bright spot in my life.  the body remembers and suddenly it's 1996 again.  time travel.  i volunteered to step back into to the past to care for ailing parents.  my sisters denied them.

i wanted to pick up lyle books and renew 'body language' had to turn it in and request.  played outer space puzzle.  it feels weird to do what i want.  my life is my own.  i got home 6 saw the end of super bowl.  i ate soup and drumstick.  i rested and stayed up to watch 'all creatures great and small.'  i like the new series.  british tv again.  the lyle books started when i was 11.  go figure.

3 am neck and stomach letting me know i did a lot.  

gloria reminded me i forgot safeway wed. freebie

margarita mix for super bowl.  i'm confused.  

i took half hour to resolve kitchen.  washed sink full of dishes and lined tray cooked 4 drumsticks for dinner.  brunch of mac nuts fried rice salmon oil toasted almonds.  

i wanted to stay in and rest.  think and digest the week.  overweight linked to undigested life.  i remembered the chicken delicious.  soaked kamut to cook for tomorrow.  

tomorrow super sun day.  super shopping library after 3:30 ghost town.  

pint of cherry choc chunk $1 (9 am)

cathy at lucky's saratoga when i picked up free twitch drink.  the beauty of adult.   advantage?

i love working on laptop while healing plays.  i'm a little high from sugar.  like an addict feeling no pain.  sugar is so cheap and easy to get.  

lunch good.  alex, both glorias, toki, diane.  walter showed up with pop corn popper.  i gave him snake bite cider ale.

auto update

not today.  i guess yesterday was special.  i'm hurting physically emotionally.  pain the memory of pain is chemical.  addicts change their chemistry.  sitting with the pain dissipates dilutes the chemicals=pain.  covering it up doesn't work it's still there under the cover to rear its head another day.  also why addicts need bigger and bigger doses.  the body adjusts adapts.  make it smaller or larger it will change.  the only constant is change.

i couldn't come up with a satisfactory b'day card i left it blank and infinite.  toki liked her  traditional b'day butter hologram exercise kitty notebook and pen.  trudy baked her doz chocolate cupcakes.  i finished the puzzle went to sprouts walked store and walked target saw art.  2:30 i went $ tree no one there within 10 minutes line half length of store 20 minutes entire length.  amazing.  dinner of fish sticks, crispy tater tots, fried rice.  yum.

keeping busy

and having more fun.  i soaked at gym then drove to seniors ignoring check engine light.  i'm feeling calmer.  not calm yet but calmer.  i puzzled after spinning suit.  got my lunch ticket and took suit out to car to dry.  waited no gerde very late.  and i'm ok with it.  good lunch joanie saw ron yesterday sat next to alex said she'd see us next monday.  

i just realized 'momma' delorise lucas taught me what love feels like.  she literally scared the hell out of me.  i'd never been loved before.  i ran away 10 am got in bed pulled the covers over my head and hid for 2 hours.  a traumatic new experience at 35 years old.

puzzled at main a couple hours home 4 'you bet your life' jay leno and to prepare for toki's b'day.  i'm giving her blank unlimited card, hologram exercising kitty notebook, jewel pen and birthday seasoned butter.  i may start a new tradition 'birthday butter'.  

old habit 5 am

dad woke us 5 am for b'fast at 6.  parents left by 7 we saw ourselves off to school.  i'd make my lunch my sisters got money subsidized by dad approved by mom.  i learned to plan ahead or go hungry.  i was always out of the family.   only logical to feel like Cinderella.  the appeal of the tale is the majority common experience.  i'm not alone.  i felt like the hero.

i taught myself to take care of myself or suffer and since i grew up this way it was normal.  i didn't know anything else.  mom always said life wasn't fair whenever they discriminated against me as if it wasn't them acting unfairly.  i saw karma in action.  i learned what goes around comes around.  simple physics.  that's what heather hilda and jennifer hate.  life.

ron showed up he had car trouble.  everybody was late joanie pooled since she didn't feel like rushing through eating due to dance at 1.  after lunch i puzzled 'til 3 then home.  i looked for de icer.  ice scraper.  i can picture it i've had it at least 40 years.  5 pm i remembered  the defrosted chicken.  i baked.  so good.  

so much sugar from chocolate pecan pie

or maybe stress of senior center triggers inflammation.  today no touching fans in senior gym.  and no showers until 10.  i didn't decide where today just drove and check engine light back after careful driving in 40 degree.  so must be the cold not me.  checked car repair record oil changed 7/25 last year 2 new air filters.

bart has removed gate hardware for 2 nails that don't work.  no wonder he expects to be fired.

something about today

today feels special.  i watched 'banshees of inisherin'.  supports my 8 year old child theory of everyone's crazy.   it's been nominated for awards so it's a shared perspective.

today i want someone to love me in a supportive healthy way.  i feel i want company.  i'm feeling less abused.  

new behavior:  watching 'providence' tv series.  just as over technical and fake as before.  well, i tried it again.  

i'm considering separate lunch/computer gym bags.  maybe not.  went to gym with hot spot and code continuous play.  no plastic bags for wet suit i managed.  i wore 3 x water spots.  so comfortable but stretching in chlorine.  i don't mind.  hung to dry in bathroom.  an hour.  i made a salad tomato bottle asparagus cooked eggs.  2 garlic bread balsamic and last piece of chocolate pecan pie dessert.

4:30 bartolo came by to have the same yard work 2 hours / month conversation.  whenever it rains he doesn't have anything to do.  

managed to nap and then stayed up to watch 'all creatures..'

feeling ok

all the walking and sitting puzzling just right.  i feel amazingly well.  2 toast, 2 patties, 2 eggs b'fast.  i feel unusually calm.  

dressed in bath suit in case prepared for gym.  going through cases and spent 2 hours in garage without becoming depressed realized i wore street clothes due to dust.  found cookies 4 yrs old in all rolling case in closet.  so many socks.  trying to reconfigure backpack.  or how to replace broken wheel.  

my boon companion

i started journal ing when i was 25 married and lonelier than i'd ever been in my life.  my childhood of regular abuse kept me from feeling lonely too much pain.  i had agoraphobia for a year constant anxiety and panic attacks until i learned i could consciously change my chemical state.  i learned i could choose one chemical state, anger to replace anxiety and fear.

rainy 10 am i loaded picked up free Lucky's yogurt @ Saratoga checked clearance 4 smoked salmon good 'til 2027 $10-$8, last 2 .40 cent waters, 8 beef patties 1.6 lb $5.  dollar tree out yesterday hurrah!  paid Citibank.  did a full day's work before 10 am.  seniors no hot water i charged chromes and relaxed.  bad news back hurting in new spots.  good lunch toki alex diane little gloria.  no ron all week.  

i puzzled 'til 3 checked sprouts bakery manager $1.99 special chocolate pecan pie.  pretty good.  nuked 2 patties fish sticks dessert.  2 garlic toasts.  seniors get type 2 life is so sweet.  except for bodies deteriorating.  

oh, well

banking is done for the month.  i forgot to update before trading in Lenovo for Samsung.  so i have hot spot and i'm set for weekend.

check engine light still on.  hasn't gone off i'll call carlos tomorrow.  new me is calmer.  

wheel broke on rolling bag and i don't care.  kind of weird not to care.  like not freaking over car.  i've been considering and trying different combinations to replace bag.  it's different not freaking out.  calm is good.  my autism is calmer because of my new family.

walking sprouts for inge gift lemon cake $9.  i ate the last piece i got manager special $2.