Wednesday, January 18, 2017

LEAVING DAD BEHIND

I HAD THE BEST DAY IN ALVISO/MILPITAS.  I HAD A PCH ENTRY TO MAIL AND COULDN'T FIND THE STAMPS.  I STOPPED AT ALVISO PO AND MUST HAVE MAILED THE EXTRA STAMPS, YEAR OF THE ROOSTER-DAD, WITH MY ENTRY.  I GOT MY FREE CHICK-FIL-A SO IT BALANCED OUT. 


AND LAST NIGHT THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL STOPPED WORKING.  AND I GOT ANGRY.  NOT SAD, DEPRESSED, POWERLESS BUT ANGRY.  A STEP UP. 


DEAD DAD NEEDS TO FIX EVERYTHING IN DEATH SINCE HE ONLY STUBBORNLY MADE THINGS SELFISHLY WORSE IN LIFE.  FISH IN SELFISH.  NO WONDER HE LOVED FISHING.


I HAVE HOPE AND EXPECTATIONS, GREAT OR NO.


I'M ACTUALLY FEELING HAPPY.  I HAD A COLD/COUGH FOR A WEEK, STARTED TO GET OVER IT AND RE-CAUGHT IT TWO DAYS AGO AND IT'S GONE AGAIN.  SO I FEEL PRETTY GOOD.



Thursday, January 5, 2017

LEAVING THE SMOKE BEHIND



I'VE SMOKED ALMOST MY ENTIRE LIFE.  EXCEPT FOR ROUGHLY THREE YEARS AND THEN MOM TOOK DAD'S SLEEPING PILLS, ENDED IN THE LOONEY BIN IN REDWOOD CITY, ALAMEDA DE LAS PULGAS. 


A YEAR LATER FEELING ANXIOUS I STARTED AGAIN. 


I CAN FEEL MYSELF CHANGING.  I HAVE A COLD FROM TOO MANY SWEETS.  WORTH IT.   THE CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE, OREOS, CHIPS. 


AND THE SR CTR IS SO HOT.  THEN OUT INTO THE COLD.  AND EVERY ONE IS COUGHING.



Wednesday, January 4, 2017

JANET-JENNY



SHE TOLD ME UNCLE HAS HAD DEMENTIA A YR AND HALF.  SO MUCH FOR LIFE.  SHE SAID UNCLE IS LUCID WHEN RECOUNTING LIFE STORIES. 



Monday, December 26, 2016

I UNDERSTAND THE GLAMOUR-Ipad


There's a sense of connection with the internet.  It's another false addiction.  For one thing it can spellcheck, it's an instant gratification, it's the illusion of company without any requirements.  No real connection requiring any real response. And the ease. So easy!

People with no experience of connectedness will be enchanted.  They live in families with unspoken contracts.  Their definition of connection.

And the ease of writing.  The false sense of doing, creating that's empty.  Yet it seems real because it takes up space.  The appearance of reality.

And the emojis.  One picture for words.  To easy, too simple.


Tuesday, December 20, 2016

TEETH OF THE HYDRA

T SHOWS ME WHAT MY LIFE MIGHT HAVE BEEN IF I'D BEEN LEFT IN HAWAII.  HIS FAMILY CONSUMES HIM.

WATCHED MY BLIND BROTHER.  BECAUSE OF GUILT BILL THE OLDER BROTHER TAKES CARE OF HIS YOUNGER BLIND BROTHER WHO'S A JERK.  WHEN THEY WERE KIDS THEY HAD A DIVING CONTEST AND BILL WON WHILE JERK HIT HIS HEAD ON THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL.  THE PARENTS IDOLIZE JERK AND COERCE BILL INTO DOING EVERYTHING JERK WANTS.  JERK WANTS TO DRIVE SO THEY LET HIM.  THEY ENCOURAGE JERK TO DO MARATHONS THAT BILL HAS TO DO ALSO TO GUIDE JERK.  BILL'S LIFE IS SERVICE TO A MEAN AND JEALOUS GOD.  BILL GETS ZERO ACKNOWLEDGMENT FOR HIS ACCOMPLISHMENTS. BILL CAN SEE SO RUNNING 26 MILES IS DISCOUNTED. 

THROUGH A SET OF ACCIDENTS BILL MEETS HIS PERFECT WOMAN.

MY LIFE UNCONSCIOUS.  T'S LIFE NOW. 

Monday, December 19, 2016

HE LIES-ROB

I'VE DETERMINED BASED ON BEHAVIOR THIS WEEKEND THAT HE TOLD ME 30 YRS AGO HE HAD A SON AND NOW HE'S LYING ABOUT TELLING ME.


HE CLAIMS HE WAS JOKING FOR A WEEK.  HE WAS TOO SERIOUS AT THE TIME AND THERE WAS NO PUNCH LINE.


BE WARNED AND AWARE.  PRAY FOR ALL CONCERNED ESPECIALLY ME.



Saturday, December 17, 2016

CHOICES

I'M VERY CLEAR WE CONSTRUCT OUR REALITY BY OUR CHOICES.  WE CAN CHOOSE TO IGNORE REALITY AND CONSTRUCT AN IMAGINARY LIFE THAT DOESN'T EXIST EXCEPT IN THE MIND. 

THE PHYSICAL RESULTS ARE THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION.  SO MANY PEOPLE LAMENT THE PRODUCT OF THEIR IMAGINATION CHOOSING TO BELIEVE IT'S A COMPLETE SURPRISE RATHER THAN THE LOGICAL RESULT OF THEIR CHOICES.

THAT'S CRAZY.