Friday, September 16, 2016

THE SEGREGATED-SEGMENTED MIND-DIS/FUNCTION



I CONSTRUCTED SHIELDS TO PROTECT ME FROM MY ABUSIVE FAMILY.  THOSE WALLS ALLOWED ME TO SURVIVE BY AVOIDING DIRECT CONFRONTATION WITH THE HYPOCRITES WHO SPOKE LIES TO MY FACE BASED ON THEIR WALLS.


THAT IS HOW THIS PLANET DIS-FUNCTIONS.


I CAN ONLY BE AS HONEST WITH MYSELF AND OTHERS BASED ON THE ACCESS I HAVE TO MY AUTHENTIC THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS.


AUTHENTIC FEELINGS ARE BASED ON REALITY.  AUTHENTIC REACTIONS TO STIMULI. 


SELF-PROTECTIVE, CONSTRUCTED FEELINGS AND REACTIONS ARE REQUIRED IN DANGEROUS SITUATIONS.  MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL DEFENSIVE WALLS LIKE CASTLES AND MOATS.  REACTIONS ARE CONSTRUCTED BY LEARNING WHAT WORKS TO DIFFUSE EVENTS; HOW TO MINIMIZE UNWARRANTED PUNISHMENT. 


I DON'T KNOW WHAT I FEEL FROM TRAINING MYSELF TO DIFFUSE.  RETRAINING IS EXHAUSTING.  I WILL GET FASTER, IT WILL BE EASIER.


 

Thursday, September 8, 2016

survived another death-iversary/NOT VERY WELL


I'VE BEEN BETTER. 

SUNDAY OR MONDAY (LABOR DAY 9-5) I USED THE POLE BAG TO PICK AVOS AND THIS WEEK HAS BEEN TORTURE.

MY BACK, FEET, ARMS, SHOULDERS HURT SOOOO BAD.  AND TUES' 88DEGREE DAY I ALMOST HAD A MIGRAINE.  I HAD TO GO HOME AFTER CAMPBELL LIBRARY FROM NAUSEA. 

TODAY'S THE WORST.  I'LL GO $TORE AND HOME.  I PROMISED MYSELF CHIPS AND ICE CREAM.

I MAY STAY IN THE REST OF THIS WEEK RECOVERING.  THE SQUIRRELS AND CROWS CAN PARTY HARDY.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

SUNDAY SENIOR ST JUSTINE

IT STARTED OUT WEIRD WITH NO PARKING AT THE LIBRARY DUE TO SOME BIKE DEMO AT THE PARK.  THEY HAD THE ROAD BLOCKED UNTIL 1PM.  I PARKED ST JUSTINE.

SO I WENT TO ST JUSTINE AFTER RETURNING MY DVDS.  HAD CHICKEN ALFREDO, SALAD, GARLIC BREAD.

THIS AM I WATCHED SUN MORN CH 5, CLASS STRETCH, HOT TUB GYM, SFWY, HOME AND MOVIE, CONFIRMATION; CLIVE OWEN AS AN ALCOHOLIC CARPENTER AND TAKING CARE OF HIS 9 YR OLD SON.  I DIDN'T GET WHY IT WAS IMPORTANT UNTIL I SAW HE WAS A CARPENTER. 

EXPLAINS A LOT ABOUT MY ALCOHOLIC FATHER, CODEPENDENT MOTHER.  MAYBE IF HE'D HAD A SON HE WOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING WITH HIS LIFE.

THEY ALWAYS MADE ME FEEL INADEQUATE NOT BEING THE BOY.  NOT MY FAULT, THEIRS. 

TAKE THAT!!!






Wednesday, August 17, 2016

CAL FIRES

THIS SUMMER HAS BEEN CONTINUOUS FIRES NORTH AND SOUTH SO THE BAY AREA IS CONSTANTLY AFFECTED.

MY ALLERGIES AND FEELING TIRED.  I'M TAKING BETTER CARE OF MYSELF AND USING THE OPPORTUNITY TO PRACTICE.  PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.

WHY, OH, WHY DID I TAKE SO LONG?  I GUESS THE PERILS OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE. 

I DESERVE A LOFTY,CLEAN, COMFORTABLE SPACE ALL MY OWN.  I DESERVE GREAT FOOD.  I DESERVE....MY BEST.

Monday, August 15, 2016

NEW INSIGHT/ T

POOR THING WAS VAGUE ABOUT THE GIG AT THE SEBASTOPOL  GRAVENSTEIN APPLE FESTIVAL.  HE'S ALWAYS TRYING TO MANIPULATE.  HE WOULDN'T EVEN TELL ME WHERE OR WHAT, SAYING HE DIDN'T KNOW.  HE KNEW HE WAS PLAYING AT 2:30.  HE DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE ME A CHANCE TO GOOGLE ANY INFO.  THE DAILY WORD WAS GRACE.

WE DIDN'T LEAVE SAN JOSE UNTIL 8:30 A.M.  HE STOPPED AT LOCO'S WITHOUT MENTIONING TO ME HE NEEDED THE PASSES AND TICKETS PRETENDING HE TOLD ME.  WE GOT TO SEBASTOPOL AND HE WAS A CHICKEN WITH HIS HEAD CUT OFF.

HE TRIED TO DROP ME OFF AT THE GATE SO I WOULDN'T SEE ANYONE FROM THE BAND.  HE DISRESPECTED ME HOPING I'D GET DISGUSTED.  LIKE THAT'S SOMETHING NEW.  SUCCESS WILL ALWAYS ELUDE HIM.  I WONDER IF HE'LL EVER LEARN TO SEE IT OR WILL HE CONTINUE TO PRETEND.

QUITE THE CLIFFHANGER.

I HAD A GOOD TIME.  I WALKED AROUND WITH MANUEL'S WIFE, GRACE.  I BOUGHT BEADS, ROCKS, AND CHICKEN TKAAL FOR LUNCH.  I CHARGED IT ON DISC SO I HAVE A RECORD.




Thursday, August 11, 2016

ANGER

SUCH A SILLY CONCEPT.

ANGER CAN BE USEFUL. I SAW MOM CLEAN TWO TIMES IN MY LIFE WHEN SHE WAS MAD AT DAD.  BURNING OFF ANGER IS GOOD.

AND SOME PEOPLE USE ANGER AS MOTIVATION TO CHANGE.

I HAD TWO DREAMS YESTERDAY ABOUT MY SISTERS.  A.M. I DREAMED MIT GAVE A A KEY TO THE HOUSE AND SHE WAS HARASSING ME AGAIN.  P.M. I DREAMED MIT STOLE ALL MY CLOTHES AND RACKS AND CONFRONTED ME FOR HAVING TOO MUCH.  I BECAME INCENSED AND GRABBED HER BY THE THROAT.  I WAS SO ANGRY IN THE DREAM.  SO NOT THE WAY I FEEL.

THEN I WATCHED THE FAMILY FANG.  PARENTS ARE SUPPOSED TO SCREW UP THE KIDS.  THE KIDS ARE SUPPOSED TO FIX THEMSELVES.  LEAVE THE NEST AND FLY AWAY.

YESTERDAY TOMAS CAME OVER AND TRIMMED THE TREES.

IS THAT PART OF THE DREAMS?

Monday, August 8, 2016

I DON'T KNOW-TIRED

I MAY BE TIRED FROM ALL THE FIRES, THE POOR AIR QUALITY OR I MIGHT BE REACTING TO DAD'S DEATH ANNIVERSARY.

A-H WAS PARTICULARLY OBNOXIOUS THE MONTH BEFORE 9/5 AND I STARTED BEING SLEEP DEPRIVED. 
SHE SNUCK MOM TO TAHOE TO GOAD DAD INTO ACCUPUNCTURE AND HER CHIROPRACTOR.  LEFT ME HOLDING THE DAD AS ALWAYS. 

THEN AFTER DAD DIED 9/5 MANIPULATED MOM BY WITHHOLDING.  SHE MADE MOM COOK AND CLEAN FOR HER AND WOULDN'T LET HER EAT WITH THEM.  A-H TALKED MOM INTO LOANING HER 100 GRAND FOR DOWN PAYMENT ON FORDHAM HOUSE.  MOM WAS PERFECTLY AWARE OF A-H LARCENY AND CO=OWNED THE HOUSE,  MOM  STRESSING TO ME IT WAS A LOAN.  AND MOM MADE HER EXECUTOR ANYWAY.  MAYBE THAT'S WHY A-H RAN HER RAGGED THE DAY MOM DIED.  THERE WAS TALK OF CHANGING THE WILL.  WELL, SHE DIDN'T.

TOO INSANE.