TERROR

EVERYTHING IS GOING WELL.  I ALMOST FORGOT MY UTILITY SWAG BAG IN THE COMPUTER ROOM AT SENIORS.  BUT I DIDN'T.  I PICKED UP HOLDS AT CENTRAL AND WENT FOR TIRE PRESSURE CHECK. 

THE TAPES ARE WORKING.  I CLEANED THE BURDOCK.  DELICIOUS.  IT'S EVEN BETTER RAW. 

POWER OUTAGES

THE WHEEL BONUS PUZZLE AND AT 6:11 PM THIS BOOK FROZE.  I CLICKED ON A CYBER MONDAY/TARGET WEBSITE.  MUST HAVE BEEN A SCAM SITE.  I COULDN'T TURN IT OFF OR CLOSE IT.  IT WAS HEATING UP.  I PUT IT IN THE MICROWAVE WHEN I WENT TO BED IN CASE IT CAUGHT FIRE OR MELTED.

IT WASN'T UNTIL 9 I THOUGHT OF THE LIBRARY.

I FIGURED ONCE THE BATTERY RAN DOWN IT WOULD SHUT DOWN AND DISCONNECT.  I WASN'T SURE IT WOULD STILL WORK SO I PLUGGED IT IN AND IT TURNED ON. 

I'M BACK.  I HAD TO TAKE TWO DOSES OF KAVA AT 12 AND 4.  MY NERVES ARE SO THIN.

WHAT???

ONE MONTH 'TIL CHRISTMAS, MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR. 

I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED FROM TOP AND I WAS STILL SIGNED IN.  WOW.

NOON- I RETURN AND 20% 4 HOURS. 

I DECIDED I WANTED CREAMED TUNA AND REALIZED I HAVE KRAB.  SO I'M FEASTING TONIGHT.  I BOUGHT MIXED FROZEN VEG'S AND POTATOES AT $ANC YESTERDAY AND HAVE ONIONS AND CELERY.  AND CORNBREAD.  I BOUGHT PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES AND BROWNIES AT G2 SAFEWAY.  I WALKED MY STORES. 

I WANTED A TOY BASEBALL BAT FULL OF BUBBLE GUM $.27 AT LUCKY'S.  AND PORK CHOPS I MAY BROIL ALA WOLFGANG PUCK.

YESTERDAY AT SENIOR'S ART GAVE ME HIS RICE SINCE HE'S DIABETIC.  I'M SET FOR THE WINTER.

M2

I'VE HAD A WEEK TO CONSIDER.  I AWOKE AT 2:30 DISTURBED THAT I'M STILL THE ENABLING CO-DEPENDENT.  WHEN AM I GOING TO LET GO THE GUILT AND BE HERE FOR ME?  I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT, IT DOESN'T BELONG TO ME, IT'S THE FAMILY TRADITION.  I LEAVE IT WITH THE FAMILY.

I NEVER WANTED THE STONEHENGE MEDAL.  BACK IN 1987 I WAS LIVING IN SAN JOSE ON RADIO AVE.  MARGEE WAS TRYING TO GET PREGNANT AFTER GETTING MARRIED AND RETURNING FROM HER EUROPEAN HONEYMOON.  I WASN'T INVITED TO THE WEDDING.  I ATTENDED THE RECEPTION AT THE HOME THAT WAS HER GIFT FROM BEING IN CANDICE WOZNIAK WEDDING PARTY.  THEY WERE ROOM MATES.  I WAS COMPARTMENTALIZED.  SHE USED ME UNPAID TO GET WHAT SHE WANTED AS HER SPIRITUAL COUNSELOR.  LIKE FRED GOULD.

HER INNER GUIDANCE TOLD HER TO GIVE ME HER ONE SOUVENIR FROM HER HONEYMOON IF SHE WANTED TO GET PREGNANT AS HER TOP PRIORITY.  WHAT WAS MOST IMPORTANT.  NOT ME OR MY FEELINGS EVER.

I NEVER NOTICED HOW I WAS DISRESPECTED.  IT WAS SO FAMILIAR LIKE MY FAMILY.  IT WAS MY OLD NORMAL.  AND NOW I UNDERSTAND MY INSANE FAMILY.  THEY USED ME TOO.  AS GOD'S TOOL MY LIFE IS ALWAYS SUPPORTED.  GOD ALWAYS REWARDS ME.

I GAVE HER A GARNET BRACELET TO REMIND HER TO BE OPEN TO HER TRUE LOVE AND SHE HAD DOUBTS ABOUT LEE BECAUSE HE WAS WORKING SAN JOSE MAINTENANCE AND THEY'RE STILL TOGETHER TAKING SQUARE DANCE CLASS.

I'M BORED

THANK YOU GOD.  IT'S DELIGHTFUL, DELICIOUS TO FEEL BORED.  SO, SO MUCH OF THE LAST 29 YEARS HAS BEEN BARELY SURVIVING ONE CRISIS AFTER ANOTHER.  ALL PREDICATED ON MY PARENTS, THEIR DEATHS, AND THE AFTERMATH. 

BOREDOM IS GREAT!

time

IT SEEMS LIKE SATURDAY IS THE DISTANT PAST. 

T IS MY ONLY FRIEND.  AND IT'S OK.  I'M AUTISTIC AND HAVING FRIENDS IS NOT A SKILL I HAVE.  AND PEOPLE ARE WORK.  AND ONLY OUT FOR THEMSELVES.  OR THE PEOPLE I'VE ENCOUNTERED.  I HAVE BOOKS AND MOVIES.  RELIABLE AND RESPONSIVE.

HEALING CONNECTION

ONCE A MONTH I WENT TO DIFFERENT LECTURES STARTING AT 6 AM AT TOWN & COUNTRY SAN JOSE. 

THOMAS HANNA-SOMATICS
HERBAL MEDCATIONS

MOVING ON

JULIET, NAKED HAS TO BE ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES I'VE SEEN IN A LONG TIME.  TRULY A JEWEL.  I HAVE TO READ THE BOOK.

OK, LOOKED UP BOOKS AT LIBRARY.  A NEW PASSION.

HUH, I'VE SEEN MANY OF HIS MOVIES NOT CARING FOR THEM.  JULIET MUST HAVE BEEN THE RIGHT BLEND OF DIRECTOR AND ACTORS.

HAVE TO FILL THE CAR WITH GAS B4 HOLIDAY.

TOMAS

MY ONLY FRIEND?  I DON'T KNOW.

BEING AUTISTIC HAS PREVENTED ME FROM SEEING THE DIFFERENCE.  MOST RELATIONSHIPS ARE TOO PAINFUL.  I'VE NEVER HAD ANYONE PUT ME FIRST.  SO I DON'T PUT MYSELF FIRST AND I'M IN PAIN.  I WEAR MYSELF OUT DOING FOR OTHERS. 

I KEPT UP THE HOUSE AND YARD FOR MITZI AND KEPT RE INJURING MYSELF.  I HARVESTED THE GUAVA AND AVOCADO FOR EVERYONE AND TOKI IS THE ONLY ONE TO BRING ME SOUP.

MY LIFE OF EIGHT YEAR OLD LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE-CINDERELLA I'M WILLING TO RELEASE. I'M DONE WITH COOKING,CLEANING, YARD WORK.

bottles & pennies

THERE WAS A PENNY IN THE HOT TUB AT G1 THAT I COULDN'T RETRIEVE SO I BLESSED IT.  DROVE TO $UNNYVALE AND SPENT $20 AND FOUND A PENNY ALSO NEWSPAPER $1 R/T $2.50.  THEN MARIA SAFEWAY AND ANOTHER PENNY.  SAME AT LUCKY'S PLUS 7 BOTTLES AND WALGREEN'S PENNY AND 3 BOTTLES.  SINCE I HAVE 3X POINTS I DROVE TO SARATOGA LUCKY'S  BUT NO CLEARANCE AND WENT TO CVS TO PRICE FISHERMAN'S FRIEND.  I HAD EXACTLY $23.61  TO PAY WALMART AND PAID THE BILL DUE 21ST AND FOUND 4 POWER BEETS @ $7.50 EA. CLEARANCE.  I'VE WANTED TO TRY IT SINCE I SAW IT ON TV.  YUM.

I'M GETTING COMFORTABLE WITH WEIRD.

AND SEEING, ACCEPTING THE REAL PAST.  EH.

MARGEE

I ALMOST DIDN'T COME TO SRS BECAUSE I ANTICIPATED DIFFICULTY FINDING PARKING.  SHE'S HERE SELLING AT THE YEARLY ARTS & CRAFTS.  IMAGINE MY SURPRISE.  NOT MY FRIEND,  AILEEN SURROGATE.  STILL LIVING ON SUNCREST MARRIED TO LEE.  64. 

HER FRIEND LIN IS ME.

I WANTED TO GIVE HER BACK THE STONEHENGE MEDAL BUT NO.  SHE'S SPEAKING AT MILPITAS AL-ANON NEXT SATURDAY 10 AM PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH SOUTH PARK VICTORIA NEXT TO LUCKY'S.  I FORGOT THANKSGIVING.

SHE'S STILL THINKING I'M RIDICULOUS ALONG WITH LIN.  I GAVE THEM TWO ORANGES.  SHE CALLED ME WHEN SHE NEEDED A RIDE OR COMPANY.  LIKE FRED GOULD.  WHEN HE NEEDED ME TO FIX HIS LUNCH.  NOT MY FRIEND.  MY MOM, DAD, SIS'.

OH, WELL.

FISH IN THE POOL THANKED ME FOR RECOMMENDING NEOSPORIN ON HER BOO-BOOED CHIN.  IT WAS ALL BETTER TODAY.  SHE'S FRIENDS WITH THE DIRTY BIRDS WHO DON'T SHOWER.

I STOPPED AT BK FOR 10 CHICKEN NUGGETS / $1 FOUND PENNY AND DIME AT COUNTER, WASHED THEM IN LOO.

1:30 PM HOME
I WAS THINKING OF ATTENDING A RECEPTION AT THE LIBRARY AND WAS GOING TO ST J. CLOSED DUE TO SMOKE FROM BUTTE FIRE.  THEY HAD A FOOD GIVE AWAY.  SOPHIA WAS THERE.  I TOLD HER ABOUT THE YARN AT DOLLAR TREE,  I WENT THIS AM B-4 SENIORS.  I STARTED FEELING WEIRDED OUT AND DROVE HOME SEEING WELSUN AND MARY GOING TO THE FOOD GIVE AWAY.

MOM'S TRADITION

I SCARED MYSELF AGAIN.  I THOUGHT I LOST THE PGE BILL AGAIN AND WAS READY TO GO TO THE LIBRARY TO PRINT OUT THE BILL.  I THOUGHT I'D GET THE OLD ONE TO REFER TO AND FOUND THIS MONTH'S BILL.  PGE PAYS A YEARLY CREDIT OF $25 THAT COVERED THIS MONTH.  I FORGOT TO UPDATE MY PHONE CALENDAR.

MOM LOVED SCARING, SCARRING ME.  I CAN REMEMBER HER BURNING MY FINGERS WITH SENKO.  AND SHE LOVED HITTING ME FOR NO REASON WHILE WATCHING TV.  

SO NOW I SCARE MYSELF.

EQUISAPIENS/ATLANTIS

GENETICALLY MODIFIED HUMANS.  SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.  MOST DISTURBING.  MY THEORY OF THE DESTRUCTION OF ATLANTIS.

EDGAR CAYCE DID SOME READINGS ABOUT ATLANTIS.  THEY WERE TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED AND BLEW THEMSELVES TO SMITHEREENS, PLUNGING THE WORLD INTO BIOLOGICAL DARKNESS AND LEAVING US WITH MYTHS OF MINOTAURS, CENTAURS, FAIRIES, ELVES,DRAGONS, ETC.

THE BIGGEST FREAK FOR ME IS THAT SOMEONE ELSE HAS THE SAME KNOWLEDGE.

GREED, PRIDE, AND VANITY DESTROYED ATLANTIS OBLITERATING AN ENTIRE CONTINENT AND CAUSING PANGEA TO BREAK UP INTO SMALLER CONTINENTS TO FILL THE SPACE LEFT BY THE DISSOLUTION OF ATLANTIS.  IT BECAME MOLECULAR.

TOO MUCH INPUT

SENSORY OVERLOAD.  I STILL HAVEN'T FINISHED WATCHING SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.  IT'S SO UNLIKE ANYTHING I'VE EVER SEEN.

I HAD A GREAT DAY AT THE GREAT MALL.  I WENT BACK FOR ANOTHER PAIR OF FAUX CLOGS.  I GOT AN EMAIL SAVER'S 75% OFF.  I SCORED A 3X BLACK PATCH WORK TRENCH COAT INSIDE POCKET FOR $6.25.  IT HAD SIZE SMALL ON THE TAG.  A BUTTER SOFT LEATHER LIZ CLAIBORNE JACKET SIZE LARGE, REMINDED ME OF REVECCA ALWAYS IN LEATHER, WHO REMARRIED AND MOVED AWAY..  TWO RHINESTONE CHOKERS $1 EA.  I FORGOT TO BUY THEM AT 10 AND WENT BACK AFTER EXERCISING AT 24 HOUR AND LUNCH AT MC D'S, AND EXPLORING GREAT MALL.  THEY WERE STILL THERE.

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE CRUISE CONTROL.  I LOVE THAT SO FAR EVERYTHING WORKS IN THE NEW USED CAR.

I REMEMBERED THE TWO PACKAGES OF KRAB AND ATE A LOT IN SALAD AND FOR A SNACK.  I WALKED TO RALEY'S FOR MY FREE CAGE FREE EGGS AND HAD A MUSHROOM OMELET.

SORRY TO BOTHER YOU

A VERY DISTURBING DVD.  I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S A VERY TELLING PICTURE OF GREED AND THE WORST OF CAPITALISM.  THE AGE OF TRUMP.

IT'S THE PERFECT DEPICTION OF MAKING PROFIT #1.

WILLING

I'M WILLING TO CHANGE.  I'M LISTENING TO THE LOUISE HAY CD'S IN THE CAR AND ON THE CHROME EVERY DAY.  MY LIFE IS IMPROVING.  I'M COMING OUT OF THE DENIAL FOG I INSTALLED TO SURVIVE LIVING WITH THE FAMILY.  IT'S SCARY.

I'M WILLING.

I SPENT 20 MINUTES LOOKING FOR A SPOON I THOUGHT I DROPPED AND THEN FOUND IT IN ANOTHER ROOM. 

I FORGIVE MYSELF

I'VE ONLY LOVED PEOPLE WHO NEVER LOVED ME.  I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RECEIVE LOVE.  I FEEL WEIRD.

I'M WILLING TO LEARN.

FORGIVENESS

I'M RELEASING THE PAIN/HUMILIATION AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER.  MY FIRST MEMORIES OF MOM AND DAD ARE THEM RIDICULING ME.  THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN GOOD MEMORIES BUT I HAVE TO PRETEND I HAVE THEM. 

INDESCRIBABLE

I FEEL SO FREE.  I'VE BEEN DOING WHAT I WANT.  I SWAM, LUNCHED, GOOFED AROUND PUZZLING, ATE COOKIES, CANDY, DONUTS.  KIDS EAT WHATEVER THEY WANT AND RUN AROUND BURNING IT ALL OFF.  YAHOO!!

FREE COOKIES, EGGS, DONUTS.

BEST DST

I RESET THE CLOCKS AND IT WAS EASY.  I LOVE HAVING THE EXTRA HOUR.  I DID MY ROUTINE AND WAS HOME BY 11.  I GOT FROZEN FISH AT MARIA SAFEWAY.  I REMEMBERED I HAD BONELESS PORK CHOPS FROM LUCKY'S LAST WEEK AND COOKED THEM WITH PREPPED MUSHROOMS AND THE 1/3 ONION FROM SENIOR'S. 

JOURNAL

JOURNEY.  I LIKE LOOKING BACK ON WHERE I USED TO BE AND REVELING IN WHERE I AM NOW.

I WENT TO SENIORS, CONSIDERED MY OPTIONS, PICKED UP LUNCH AT MCD AND CAME HOME O FIND AN ESTATE SALE AROUND THE CORNER EMMETT.  MORE TOYS.

I REMEMBERED

I'M PUTTING MYSELF BACK TOGETHER.  I'VE BEEN TORN APART BY MY PARENTS DEATHS, MY SISTERS' BETRAYALS, MY BACK INJURY ALMOST KILLING ME. 

THE BEGINNING OF EACH MONTH IS VERY HARD.  I BECOME RESTLESS, UNABLE TO RELAX, SLEEP, THINK.  THIS MONTH I'M CALM ENOUGH TO ACCEPT IT.

A BIG WIN.

RECEPTION ONLINE WAS ZERO.  I SHUT DOWN THE CHROMEBOOK AND RESTARTED IT.  I'VE BEEN TRYING SINCE LAST NIGHT.  INFINITY ONLINE KEPT AMBUSHING SERVICE.  IT SEEMS FINE NOW.

LIFE IS GETTING BETTER

YESTERDAY I GOT BOUNDARIES AND THE SPY WHO DUMPED ME (CODY'S SUGGESTION) FROM THE BOOK MOBILE.  AND GREAT! 

MY BACK FEELS PRETTY GOOD AND MY STOMACH IS GETTING THERE.  AND I'VE BEEN CLEARING UP STUFF.