IF ONLY

SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE ALL HAD SOMEONE TO LOVE THEM.

HOW DO WE LEARN TO LOVE OURSELVES IF WE HAVE NO EXPERIENCE OF BEING LOVED?

I'VE BEEN WATCHING DVDS HOPING TO FIND AN ANSWER.  THE ONLY IDEA SO FAR.  THE BRAIN DOESN'T DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN WHAT IT SEES AS FACT OR FICTION.  MAYBE WHY WE HAVE TRUMP AS PREZ.

i decided

LOVELY COOL OVERCAST DAY.  YESTERDAY AND TODAY A FEW SPRINKLES.

EVERY TIME I THINK OF DECISIONS I LAUGH REMEMBERING GW BUSH SAYING HE'S THE DECIDER.

11-I WENT TO LUCKY'S FOR SALAD AND PORK LOIN.

I GOT TO CUP-LIB AT 11;50 TO RETURN AND PICK UP.   CAMPBELL DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING READY YESTERDAY.  NEW BEHAVIOR.  FOR SOME REASON I TOOK MY WALLET.  DOC MARTIN AND SIMPSONS.

WHEN I WENT TO G2-SFWY I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE MY DISC WAS.  JUST THE THOUGHT OF CALLING AND CANCELLING WITH TARG SET MY MIDDLE BACK THROBBING.  DISC WAS IN WITH THE DVDS.  WHEW!  I DODGED A BAD ONE.  FREE CRACKERS AND HAMBURGER BUNS.  16 TICKETS.  I CAME HOME TIRED FROM ADRENALINE RUSH.  I MONO-ED, ENTERING SWEEPSTAKES, 232 EMAILS TO CONFIRM.

I ATE CHILI AND BUNS.  COOKED PORK.  I'M SET FOR THE WEEK.  SUCH A WEIRD DAY.  WATCHING BOY AND THE WORLD IS TOTALLY APPROPRIATE.  NO DIALOG, STICK FIGURE CARTOON REMINDS ME OF EARLY ANIME.

DYSTOPIA IN SOUTH AMERICA.  NOT A WORLD I WANT.





  

AND BETTER

I'VE BEEN STRETCHING MY BRAINS OUT AND MY BACK IS BETTER.  I STILL HAVE TO MOVE SLOWLY CAREFULLY.  EH, I'M WORTH IT.  AND I HAVE TO TAKE IT SLOWLY SO I NOTICE MORE OF WHAT'S GOING ON.

AT SRS I RUSHED AWAY FROM THE PUZZLE TABLE AND FORGOT MY HOODED VEST.  OH, WELL.  I WAS ANNOYED BY ANOTHER INTRUSIVE OLD WHITE POOP LOOKING FOR ATTENTION.  HE NEVER EVEN MENTIONED MY VEST.  DON GAVE ME THE SPORTS.

I DECIDED TO GO TO SCU SFWY FOR FREEBIES AND 14<46 TICKETS.  CAME HOME AND HAD CHILI CHEESE. 

LOVELY COOL DAY OVERCAST CLOUDY.  I'VE STARTED CLEARING MY CAR. 

LONELY SADNESS

GARDEN OF WORDS ANIME TRADITIONAL DEFINITION LOVE STORY  DEMONSTRATES HOW DEEPLY MY LIFE HAS BEEN PROGRAMMED.

I NEED TO CHANGE THAT.

I WANT FREEDOM TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE.

INGA AND MAURICE HAVE FOUND EACH OTHER BECAUSE OF HER PINCHED NERVE.  HIS TAKING HER TO HER APPOINTMENTS HAS CREATED THE OPPORTUNITY FOR THEM TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.  GOOD FROM BAD.

LONELY SAD LOVE-THE TRADITIONAL JAPANESE TRADITION IS SO 1400'S.  THE IDEA OF UNREQUITED LOVE IS MISTAKEN.  LEARY'S CIRCUMPLEX PROVES THAT. 

MOM AND DAD LOVED EACH OTHER STUCK IN JAPANESE.  SO STUPID LIVING IN USA ADHERING TO ERRONEOUS BELIEFS.  LIVE IN JAPAN. 

MY BACK IS BETTER AFTER STRETCHING AND STRETCHING AND STRETCHING.

ALEX SAVED ME THE NEWSPAPER PUZZLES.  TYGJ.

BUTTERFLIES

CHANGING FROM A CATERPILLAR TO A BUTTERFLY HURTS.

MY BACK IS CHANGING.  I'VE BEEN DOING MORE TOTAL BODY AND MY BACK IS SCREAMING.  NOT TIME TO MAKE OVER MY LIFE YET.

I'M GOING FROM SAD TO MAD.

MOM'S DEATH DAY IS COMING UP.  AND I'M MAD THAT SHE WANTED TO REMAIN A CHILD AND I NEVER HAD A MOTHER.  I'VE BEEN AN ORPHAN MY ENTIRE LIFE, AN UNPAID SERVANT. 

I CAN USE THE ENERGY TO BREAK FREE.

devastation

i slept at 10 exhausted, awoke at 2, took ww for back pain.  i awoke to a white hot sheet of devastation at 530,  i haven't felt since realizing i've been betrayed my entire life.  i have no one i can count on.  unrelenting.  i need someone to put me first.  may not ever happen.

GOD HAS ALWAYS LOVED ME, GUIDED AND PROTECTED ME.  GOD HAS ALWAYS BEEN WITH ME FROM THE FIRST TIME I WAS LOCKED IN THE CLOSET BY THE DESCENDING CRUELTY OF THE FAMILY.  A FAMILY WITHOUT GOD.

i have to keep going.

HOT DOGS

YUM.  ROSE MARIE GAVE ME 6.  HALF PACKAGE KIRKLAND.  I PUZZLED TIL 330. 

I PICKED UP THE MONOPOLY TICKETS.  WHAT WAS I THINKING?  WHEN I ARRIVED AT TD THE PLUMBERS TRUCK WAS IN THE DRIVEWAY.  REPLACING THE BATHROOM FLOOR.  I STAYED A LITTLE WHILE AND WAS HOME 430.

AMAZING

I AWOKE AT 130 TOO HOT TO SLEEP.  LAST NIGHT I ATE CHILI W/PASTA, POTATOES, AND RICE.  A LOT.  AND A PB/BANANA.

I MOURNED NEVER HAVE BEEN  LOVED.  I ACCEPT GOD HAS ALWAYS LOVED ME.

I SLEPT 330-630, TIRED.  I WASN'T SURE I'D BE ABLE TO DO WHAT I PLANNED.  I KNEW I'D FEEL BETTER AFTER EXERCISE.  I WENT LATE.  NO PAPER.  BOUGHT ONE AT SFWY.  ALMOND PASTRY $2.99.  EXTRA TICKETS.

I CAME HOME NOT FEELING WELL.  AS SOON AS I PUT THE PASTRY FOR SRS TOMORROW INSIDE.  I FELT BETTER AND TOOK RECYCLE TO SAVERS FOR MY FREE BAG AND FOUND MINI TIARA FOR $3.  I SAT IN THE CAR DOING MONOPOLY AND FELT EVEN BETTER.  I WENT TO SAFEWAY VF FOR FREE GOLDFISH CRACKERS.  HOMESTEAD FREE SODA +CRV.  TO ST J, DVD AND PEWTER FROG O KANE KAERU.  I WON 3 /10 BINGOS ON ONE CARD $9.  HOME TO REST. 

ANOTHER GREAT DAY

I AWOKE 5;15 W/DREAM OF GARAGE FULL OF DISCARDS.  I MADE AND ATE MY OATMEAL, PLANNED GOING TO VALLEY VILLAGE JUMBLE.  PASSED 6 SALES.  I GOT FREE STUFF, RAINBOW STRAP, MINI LANTERN W/COMPASS, SHEET ORGANIZERS.  TODAY IS CITY WIDE GARAGE SALES.  BY 9;30 I WAS AT SRS.  LAST MINUTE I CHECKED CAMPBELL LIBRARY AND HAD TWO REQUESTS.  I WAS ALREADY HUNGRY AT 11.  FOUND NUT BAR IN CAR.  JETTED TO LIBRARY AND VOICE SAID CHECK DOWNSTAIRS.  NEW LP MCCALL SMITH.  I STARTED FOR HOME HUNGRY  AND STOPPED AT 1 SALE, DVD, BOOK COVER.

I CAME HOME.  ATE CHILI AND CORN OVER PASTA AND POTATOES. 

TYGJ.

I AM FIERCE

THIS WEEK I'VE BEEN STANDING MY GROUND.

TUESDAY AND TODAY.  I WENT TO PAY MY PGE AND PREPARED IN ADVANCE SO I WAS READY TO GO WHEN I WALKED IN.  WHITE WOMAN WAS STILL GETTING HER ACT TOGETHER AND ASIAN MANAGER WAS BEHIND POST BOXES.  I STOOD THERE WAITING 'TIL HE CAME OUT AND SHE PATRONIZINGLY TELLS HIM TO SERVE ME FIRST.  SINCE I WAS READY TO GO FIRST I TOLD HER I WAS FIRST.  HE SAYS SHE WAS THERE FIRST PHYSICALLY.  THEN HE DOESN'T GIVE ME MY CHANGE.  I TOLD HIM HE OWED ME $3 HE SAYS I'M RIGHT,  I SAID I KNOW.  (ON BOTH COUNTS.)  SHE SARCASTICALLY TELLS ME TO HAVE A NICE DAY.  HE CHIMES IN.  I DON'T NEED TO GO THERE AGAIN.

I ALWAYS PLAN ON HAVING A GOOD DAY.  I WORK HARD AT IT.

I PLANNED ON GETTING HOME BY 1;30 FOR GAME SHOWS.

MY LADIES DIDN'T EAT THEIR LUNCHES AND GAVE THEM TO ME AND RAYMOND BROUGHT APPLE TURNOVERS FROM FOOD MAXX.

I REMEMBERED

TODAY IS BOOKMOBILE AND I PREPARED MY RETURNS LAST NIGHT.  AND WHEN I TRIED TO YAHOO, THE COMPUTER KICKED ME OUT SO AT 9;30 I DECIDED TO WAIT.  I WAS FIRST IN THE VAN AND FOUND 4 NEW DVDS.  I EXERCISED, LUNCHED, PUZZLED WHILE DIGESTING AND WAS HOME 1;45.

I FOUND 3 PIECES OF STEAK IN THE FRIDGE, MADE GRAVY, AND HAD TWO COOKED POTATOES.  I DECIDED I WANTED RICE FOR THE REST OF THE GRAVY AND CLEARED A SPACE TO COOK THE PORK CHOPS TOMORROW.  I MADE A HUGE SALAD WITH THE LAST AVOCADO, PERFECT.

I TOOK APART A SWEATSHIRT TO REMAKE,  GOT SOME STORAGE TO WASH AND O'M CONTENT.

TYGJ.  I'M HEALING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

I'LL CONTINUE AS LONG AS I CONTINUE HAVING FUN. 

E CAYCE

I BROKE UP WITH A GUY BECAUSE ALL HE TALKED ABOUT WAS E. CAYCE.  I WAS GOING TO COLLEGE AND HE THOUGHT HE WAS TOO SMART TO GO. 

ONE OF THE 8 DVDS I BOUGHT SATURDAY 4/14 AT CAMPBELL LIBRARY WAS A BRAND NEW UNOPENED DVD OF A.R.E.=ASSOCIATION FOR RESEARCH AND ENLIGHTENMENT. KARMA OR GRACE.

I'VE HAD SUCH A CHAMBERED NAUTILUS LIFE.  MY EXPERIENCES HAVE BEEN CONVOLUTED AND MYSTERIOUS.

AT THE NEW AGE BOOKSTORE RAINBOW BRIDGE ON SANTA TERESA, A BOOK JUMPED OFF THE SHELF, DAANAN PARRY'S EARTH STEWARDS.  I READ IT AND YEARS LATER ACTUALLY MET THE EARTHSTEWARDS  I MET IN A DREAM.  IN THE DREAM I WAS UP IN A TREE AT A PUBLIC PARK LIKE A CAT WATCHING 6  PEOPLE.  THE WOMAN SITTING ON THE END OF THE WOODEN PICNIC BENCH ELBOWS THE MAN SITTING NEXT TO HER, POINTS UP AT ME AND SAYS," SHE HAS SUCH AN UNQUENCHABLE THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE."  I LAUGHED MYSELF AWAKE, IT WAS SO LIKE ME.

A WOMAN I KNEW FROM CHURCH, ROSE, AND I WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO BRUNCH.  I WENT TO HER TOWNHOUSE TO PICK HER UP.  ON ARRIVING SHE WANTED TO POSTPONE HAVING FORGOTTEN HER MEETING/EARTHSTEWARDS IN OAKLAND.  I WANTED TO GO AND RODE ALONG.  IT WAS AT AN ESTUARY PARK.  WALKING FROM THE PARKING LOT ACROSS THE GRASS TO THE GATHERING I ENCOUNTERED PEOPLE WHO RECOGNIZED ME AND TRIED TO RECALL WHAT CHAPTER I BELONGED TO.  I TOLD THEM OF THE DREAM.  THEY WERE CELEBRATING THE SUCCESS OF THEIR GRASS ROOTS EXCHANGE PROGRAM WITH PRIVATE CITIZENS IN RUSSIA THAT LED TO THE FALL OF THE IRON CURTAIN.

YESTERDAY AND TODAY

I WENT TO $ANTA CORN CHIPS, CAR PHONE HOLDER, RHINESTONE EAR BUDS, 2 LIGHT BULBS.

I REALIZED DVD DUE AT CAMPBELL SO I EXERCISED AT SRS.  JUST B4 THE LIBRARY THERE WAS AN ESTATE SALE LIMOGES GOLD EDGED DAISY PLATE FOR A DOLLAR, JEWELED JEANS, TIGER SCARF, MONOPOLY WALLET.  AND I ENDED UP WITH A MAKE UP BAG.  PARKING AT THE LIBRARY BOOK SALE, 8 DVDS AND CARDS OF THE AERIAL VIEW OF MT. HAMILTON LICK OBSERVATORY.

REMINDED ME OF THE DREAMS I HAD RE HEAVEN.  IN COLLEGE THE FIRST YEAR I WAS MARRIED I WAS ON BIRTH CONTROL PILLS AND HAD A STROKE WHILE IN CLASS.  I COULDN'T WALK AND HAD TO CALL HOME FOR A RIDE.  AT THE TIME I DIDN'T THINK I'D HAD A STROKE, I COULDN'T THINK CLEARLY.  I LATER HAD A DREAM OF HAVING A STROKE AS I WAS CLIMBING AN OUTDOOR STAIRCASE CONSTRUCTED OF 4X4 GRAVEL STEPS WITH A RIGHT HAND BANNISTER OF WELDED IRON PIPES.  I CLUNG TO THE RAIL NOT WANTING TO PLUNGE DOWN THE SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN.  NEVER HAVING BEEN THERE I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THE BACK SIDE OF MT HAMILTON.  YEARS LATER ON A MOTORCYCLE RIDE FROM LIVERMORE TO SAN JOSE THE BACK WAY I RECOGNIZED THE STAIRS.

DURING A MARI-EL SESSION I WAS ASKED TO CONTINUE THE DREAM HAVING RECOVERED FROM THE STROKE.  I COULDN'T GO DOWN THE MOUNTAIN, I HAD TO GO TO THE TOP.  AT THE TOP I HAD TO STEP OUT ON FAITH AND AS I DID A 747 WING APPEARED UNDER MY FEET.  I PROCEEDED ALONG THE WING, ENTERED THE CABIN AND FLEW TO BOULDER COLORADO WITH 300 OTHERS TO HEAVEN.  X WASN'T THERE AND I AWOKE CRYING.

I FELT TIRED SO I WENT HOME AND ON THE WAY A YARD SALE COTTON FLORAL SCARF PEACH FRINGE. 

AND TODAY I EXERCISED, PLAYED MONOPOLY, BOUGHT SALAD AT LUCKYS, ATE LUNCH, WENT OVER TO TD'S FOR MORE MONOPOLY TICKETS, CHECKED THE  SC LIBRARY AND HAD THIS CHROMEBOOK WAITING FOR ME.

I AM

I AWOKE 5:45, MADE OATMEAL, ATE BREAKFAST WHILE WATCHING BRAIN FITNESS AND REMEMBERED AT 6:30 I NEEDED GAS.  I WENT TO COSTCO AND FILLED THE TANK REMEMBERING THE ADDITIVE WHICH I ADDED.  I DROVE TO SRS 7:09, PUZZLED, LUNCHED, CALLED AMERICA TIRES 2 HOUR WAIT, CAME HOME.  INGA IS STILL OUT.  I WATCHED THE END OF JEOPARDY.

I GOT $40 FROM ANTHEM FOR MY CHECK UP.  I GUESS TO INSURE I CALL DR PETER FOR AN APPOINTMENT.  I DON'T KNOW. 

I FEEL RESPONSIBLE AND SUCCESSFUL.  SOMETHING THEY NEVER ALLOWED.

AND NOW I'M WATCHING DIRK GENTLY 2.

WOO HOO!!

NOT REALLY

I'M STILL A CHILD INSIDE.  I ATE TWO DRUMSTICK CONES, CHIPS AND I SERIOUSLY ITCHED. 

aahhhhhhh

I WENT EARLY TO SRS BECAUSE OF TAXES.  I PUZZLED, TUBBED, COMPUTED, LUNCHED EXTRA CHICK AND VEGS, REMEMBERED GAS ADDITIVE SO ON TO $ANTA; CHIPS, POWER STEER, ICE CREAM CONES.  I ATE BOTH OF THEM.  YUM.

I GOT HOME 1:40, WATCHED JEOPARDY.  I'M FIXING THE BACK PACK ROLEY.  WATCHING LADYBIRD DVD, TV MURDER SHE WROTE.  BLISS.

I'M GLAD I HAD TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.  I DEVELOPED MANY SKILLS.

KEEPING MYSELF ENTERTAINED

I WENT TO G2 EARLY SINCE SUNDAY MORNING STARTS AT 7 NOW.  I GOT THE TV GUIDE AT 7:30 FROM THE FOYER.  I BOUGHT A PIZZA AT SFWY.  I RETRIEVED A NEWSPAPER.  I WENT TO LUCKY'S AND BOUGHT SPECIAL BRUSSEL SPROUTS, BROCCOLI, CARROTS, TWO SALADS, PINEAPPLE SALSA, 3 ASPARAGUS PLANTS. 

AFTER COOKING THE PIZZA I WENT TO ST J.  NOT OPEN 'TIL TOMORROW.  LUNCH AND BINGO.  THEN ON TO TD.  I ASKED D IF SHE WANTED AN ASPARAGUS PLANT.  SHE SAID HE HADN'T PLANTED ANYTHING YET.  SO, NO.  SHE HEATED SOME BBQ RIBS AND RICE.  SHE GAVE ME 2 DOZEN MONOPOLY TICKETS.

I LEFT FOR CITIBANK TO PAY MY BILL AND 3 TIMES IT REFUSED MY BILLS.  HOME BY 6.  I DID MY TICKETS.

PERFECTLY IMPERFECT

I DECIDED TO GO TO G2 AND SAVERS.  WHILE SOAKING I REALIZED I COULD GO TO $anC WITH TIME TO SPARE.  2 STRAWBERRY PLANTS, 6 LBS POTATOES, DISTILLED H2O, TV REMOTE.  I GOT TO FOOD FOR LESS 15 MINUTES EARLY AND BOUGHT MY AVOCADOS AND SOME MAC+CHEESE.  I FINISHED SHOPPING SAVERS AT 10.  WHILE LEAVING THE PARKING LOT I REMEMBERED CAMPLIB.  I WENT STRAIGHT THERE AND I WAS HOME 113:0.  HOW PERFECT IS THAT.

T CALLED 1:45 TO INVITE ME TO PHO AT 5:30.   TOO LATE FOR ME.  I'M ALREADY TIRED.  I'VE BEEN FIXING AND ARRANGING.  HE DIDN'T WANT TO GO @ 43:0.  HE HAS MONO TICKETS I'LL PICK UP AFTER ST J TOMORROW.  D'S DISCARDS?  PROBABLY FEELING GUILTY FROM THE PHOTO PAPER.

I STARTED THIS POST THIS AFTERNOON AND DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES IT LOCKED UP.  I HAD TO SHUT THE WHOLE THING OFF AND RE LOGIN.  AND IT'S STILL DOING WEIRD THINGS.

HUH

THE COMPUTER SHUT OFF 1%.  I REDID ALL MY RESULTS.  GOOD TO KNOW.

I STAYED AT SRS 'TIL AFTER LUNCH SO I COULD CHECK THE POSTAGE AT MAILBOX+.  NO ADDITIONAL STAMPS.  I MAILED AUNTY THE PICTURES.  I THOUGHT OF PAYING PGE, NAH. 

MARCH 31 IS THE LATEST I'VE EVER FILED MY TAXES.  LAST YEAR I WAS SO BURNT I DIDN'T REMEMBER PAYING THEM.  THIS YEAR IS NORMAL.  I'VE BEEN WORKING AND FILING TAXES FOR 51 YEARS.  I MADE $400 AT DOLE CANNERY HAWAII.  THEN JUNIOR YEAR I STARTED WORKING AT MACY'S VF.   AND I'VE BEEN WORKING EVER SINCE.  NO WONDER I'M TIRED AND FEELING STRESSED.  THAT'S A LONG TIME.

too much sugar

AGAIN.  I ATE REESES PB CUPS TO MY HEARTS CONTENT.  SO I SLEPT AND AWOKE ALL NIGHT.  I WATCHED FERDINAND.

YESTERDAY I DID LAUNDRY AND DIDN'T HANG IT UNTIL 6?  I HAVE OVERCOME STRESS AND COMPULSION. 

I LIKE THIS FEELING.  I HAVEN'T STRESSED OVER REPLYING TO AUNTY.  I'M ENJOYING MY TIME BECAUSE IT'S MINE.  NO ONE IS THE BOSS OF ME.

6pm-I'M STILL ENJOYING THE SUGAR IN THE FORM OF NATURAL FRUIT GUMMIES.  AND I'M WATCHING SUPERMARKET SWEEP.  I CUT THE PHOTOS I HAD COPIED AT WALGREEN'S AND SEALED THE CARD TO AUNTY.  I WENT TO SAFEWAY FOR MY FREE BABY CARROTS.  IT DISAPPEARED FROM MY ACCOUNT FOR TWO DAYS AND I WAS GOING TO CALL CUSTOMER SERVICE WHEN IT REAPPEARED.  GO FIGURE.

I SLEPT MAYBE 2 HOURS THIS A M

I MADE IT INTO SRS 7:30.  I THOUGHT ABOUT BINS AND LAUNDRY.  I ALWAYS HAVE TOMORROW. 

I WAS SO FULL OF SUGAR FROM ALL THE DELICIOUS-OSITY I WAS WIRED ALL NIGHT. 

AND I FEEL OK.

I'M HEALING.

SHIFT

ONCE AGAIN I'M IN NEW TERRITORY.  I'm trying to get used to feeling I'm at sea.