tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85696488884265655262024-03-18T17:51:16.948-07:00hersusanstory-Adultcreated when I couldn't find the first one.$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.comBlogger2377125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-26453345625670402562024-03-18T08:59:00.000-07:002024-03-18T17:50:45.162-07:00luys=louis<p>kinesiology student. he likes trumps strength. now i understand trump's popularity. people don't care about democracy or freedom. they admire strength no matter the insanity. trump and putin call themselves democratic presidents. because biden respects the legal process he's labeled weak and wishy washy. </p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-52817711342367429882024-03-17T10:10:00.000-07:002024-03-18T08:59:00.188-07:00i ate all salad-'deception' 1946<p><span style="font-size: medium;">i'm using nob and svp connections. indoor or outdoor. i picked more shepherds' purse. bought more salad. i'm getting better organized. progress. after my walk and lunch i have to nap. reminds me of my Sunday walks when i was bed ridden. i'd walk to the corner for the paper. my task for the week. i couldn't drive or sit in a chair or upright in the car. i had friends drive me to get groceries and to the doctor, my entire life. and my sisters constantly tormenting me with lies and threats of eviction. my life has improved by cutting out the liars and cheats like the cancers they are. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">wow, that's cathartic. all those years i journal ed in my notebooks. i burned all that pain in the fireplace. the tragedy of eric, his mother was toxic to him. she used and abused him. </span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-88904130613466966812024-03-16T09:56:00.000-07:002024-03-17T10:11:35.973-07:00t again<p><span style="font-size: medium;">i was ready 8:08 hopper 9 am start time sat day so i walked to nob. meme there. i remembered burritos and chips got salad. burrito is my dessert. and i pulled shepherds purse. i put in bucket with a little water. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i called hopper half hour wait i planned plants. tiron picked up lady w/walker told she'd have to manage made me move. he should have dropped me off first we were 2 blocks away. he's one for the books. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i swam, saw melvin in the gym and asked him for a ride, toki, fred, mike were there. i puzzled, melvin was wandering the parking lot even though i told him i'd be upstairs and he's seen me on wednesdays when he visits the nurse. i don't know about people. how is my car wrecked and others are driving around. he drove me home noon.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">napped 1:30-4:30 after salad topped with safeway signature cheese sauce, pork cracklings, vienna sausage, cheddar cheese sandwich. </span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-62413767297035246562024-03-15T09:00:00.000-07:002024-03-17T10:09:47.293-07:00t iron driver <p><span style="font-size: medium;">40 minutes later. 10 rides=$17.50. 20=$35. $70=one month. if i figured it correctly. i'm just not interested. lunch was fun with the cool kids. ooh maybe i'll make glazed spam for st pat. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">played bingo, read magazine to keep from falling asleep. won gift snack bar. new gal w/flirty hub won. big bev got her shirt and won. jane won. i called for ride then melvin offered i decided to wait for ramon. </span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-32498156831792914662024-03-14T08:24:00.000-07:002024-03-15T09:14:38.372-07:001160 lawrence sta rd<p><span style="font-size: medium;">flashback to 5 year old me standing by the mail box waiting for the bus. i was always alone.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">ramon picked me up quickly. he's so considerate. he remembers our conversations. i was swimming by 9 am returned movies to cody bookmobile 10. i went upstairs to puzzle. i called carlos he was busy called me back. i read him repair names he wanted to check another guy. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">lunch good toki said trudy and kenny coming for st pat day we'll need whole table. 1 pm after lunch i called </span><span style="font-size: large;">bartolo is taking me to sunny 3 pm. perfect when center closes. i finished space puzzle and started susan's yarn puzzle. tricky edge pieces. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">3:20 i called bartolo he sounded sleepy said he'd be right there. 4 pm i was returning spot and movie and picking up 2. home 4:30. 9:30 i don't feel at all deprived of internet like i used to. </span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-7418656715770021062024-03-13T05:09:00.000-07:002024-03-13T21:50:01.139-07:00back to the doctor?<p><span style="font-size: medium;">my knee still hurts and may be swollen. and i want to include seniors as a designated destination. half hour for morning pick up. very young kupindar? i didn't order lunch for today. nahyung had cancellations for veg chili. eh, i got extra i added t. of hot almond dip. perfect. i wasn't going to go. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">lady driver home on time. kush something. i'm loving it. mom always forced me to take care of everyone. i never had time for me. i didn't matter. i'm feeling cared for.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">7 pm playing online mahjongg and watching jeopardy. toc could go 7 games. </span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-91279748047940046042024-03-12T07:46:00.000-07:002024-03-12T21:15:53.434-07:00tyron always half hour after<p><span style="font-size: medium;">stated time. he started picking me up and dropping me off in front. i don't have to cross the street. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i know i kept updating so i can't understand my blogs evaporating. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">lunch was good spaghetti and meat sauce. fred, toki and mike. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i can't understand how blogs keep disappearing. i updated and voila gone. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i called bartolo for a trip to sunny he has a terrible head cold. i told him the weekend is soon enough but he wants me to call thursday. i cooked fish, heated rice with catsup. so good. last of salad. </span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-58012291005637912152024-03-11T09:59:00.000-07:002024-03-12T07:45:46.314-07:00another day- auntie passed yesterday<p><span style="font-size: medium;">i don't want to do anything. so i was home pondering life when my cousin nola called 2:43 pm to let me know auntie tomie passed peacefully yesterday in a care facility. i'm not surprised. the last six years have been hard on auntie too. she stopped eating and faded away. she must have entered hospice when i felt bereft. uncle's obit is online. he died 3 months before eric. i still cry. he was just barely 61.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">nola called 2:43 pm left v mail to call back. i don't answer any new numbers. i looked nola up online. same age as alien. didn't have her b'day. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">5:30 time to make dinner. chrome didn't charge and my blog disappeared 2 times.</span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-61352908853982727002024-03-10T07:20:00.000-07:002024-03-10T19:39:15.257-07:00i'm feeling overwhelmed and incapable<p><span style="font-size: medium;">i'm feeling 3 years old when i realized grandma wasn't taking care of me anymore and mom made my 8 year older sister take care of me. mom made my sister my mother screwing us both up. that started the pattern of jealousy. my sister resented me. mom couldn't leave me to be loved by grandma. no one can love me more than they love mom. no one can love me more than my significant other. <b> that's what i imprinted to survive.</b> like a hatching 3 year old baby duck. all my terrible imprinted doomed relationships <b>left me believing i was unlovable</b>. i chose jealous people to not love me like mom. i've avoided relationships. i can't tolerate anymore disappointment. i'm having a conscious nervous breakdown. my entire body is shuddering and quaking. i'm drinking a protein shake to soothe myself i can't eat. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>we addicts are taught to hate ourselves by the people we love and depend on the most. </b></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">today's Daily Word <b>Timeless</b>-Revelation 21:1 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">how appropriate for Daylight Saving Time.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Harville Hendrix was correct i've repeatedly attempted to fix the past by recreating someone to love me who's incapable. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">my neck is loose and unlocked. i dressed for walking to the market then didn't. i slept 3 hours and rested this afternoon and i'm watching the oscars well rested. i poached frozen fish in honey mustard with rainbow carrots. heated package of cooked brown and wild rice. yay!! me!! </span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-91851940194339294602024-03-09T05:06:00.000-08:002024-03-10T08:20:50.290-07:00guilt vs happiness<p><span style="font-size: medium;">i don't want to abandon charity and chris and john. i hate disappointing people. probably being disappointed by family so much and fear of punishment. st just has been very good to me. i love ginny. so feisty and all loving. like walter i fear the future even heaven. i'm mourning the past. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i'm getting ready for my next step.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i walked to nob hill with 50 bottles meme redeemed. i bought soup and salad and walking home found a yard full of shepherds purse, i ate some. they're clearing it. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i registered for jury duty says within 10 days then it tells me i'm too early. i have to check back 3/29. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i'm paying my bills. i'm copying, updating my phone numbers. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i'm doing what i know how to do.</span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-33060604134071007732024-03-08T23:31:00.000-08:002024-03-10T08:23:28.558-07:00autotraders, cargurus or carvana<p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>so many options, possibilities. </span> </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i decided to puzzle and forgo bingo. i got extra lunch meal. i don't want to think. i have jury summons on top of everything else. walter came by feeling sorry for himself. he hadn't eaten i sent him for food. he argued he took his vitamins i challenged does he run his car on oil or gasoline. he understood. we've had this argument many times. he went to eat yogurt and sardines. terrific protein load. we chatted 'til 2:30 when i called to book a ride. no problems. he waited with me 'til tyrone the mumbler showed up. walter's always dragging up the past i told him to reset his auto pilot. what does he want to see in his life rather than constantly replaying the past that will only create more of the same. focus on capitalizing the good in his life. more please. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">my digestion and back are better.</span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-397871005519130042024-03-07T05:39:00.000-08:002024-03-07T22:14:56.530-08:00excellent Ramon*celebrity wheel of fortune from 5/10/2023 at 9 pm<p><span style="font-size: medium;">he came on time, u-turned, picked me up on my side of the street. such a gentleman. seniors 8:20 am.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i remembered the bookmobile. as i was going out Inge was helped to her car by staff i think she fell. she looked rattled. i can pray for her. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">what a weird day. i puzzled 'til my hair dried and chrome charged after lunch. trudy kenny fred, mike came for lunch. pretty good turkey loaf. I bought a $5 lunch bag for dinner. 1 pm i called for a hopper christian said my name was wrong and refused to get me a ride no supervisor no support no help. 2 days to address the issue i need a ride today. told me to open another account with another phone number, credit card and e mail. so i looked online for chat decided to call back ask for rider support gigi checked no problem got me a ride Ramon showed up 20 minutes later. so if i hadn't been put off i wouldn't have gotten Ramon. walter stood with me with his rooster. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i'm in shock. today too weird even for me. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">9 pm now, checking my city library account i suddenly have a $14.39 fine. i went round and round trying to figure out for what i'm being charged. under fees it says there are none. i e mailed asking if this is like the phantom juvenile graphic novel that suddenly appeared on my account. <b> i confuse easily. </b> </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">at least i have wheel of fortune. i am content. regular wheel preempted by the state of the nation at 10 pm. </span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-76766542774505869522024-03-06T10:43:00.000-08:002024-03-06T20:47:26.252-08:00ok 8 am best pick up time<p><span style="font-size: medium;">tam said later mostly students. also the bus stop is most requested hub so gps directs drivers there. makes sense. takes half an hour to complete the ride. dispatch submits proposals to drivers who decide to accept or ignore. it was so rainy. half hour to seniors. showered, swam, puzzled. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">lunchtime sun coming out. toki, fred too late. he cancelled then came. crowded not enough places salisbury steak and mash. melvin asked if i wanted a ride yes please. he's married, second wife 1 child from first wife. home relaxation rest.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i called carlos and left message for juan. then i tackled anthem my account unlocked. mary came through. </span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-89023162646643794882024-03-05T07:14:00.000-08:002024-03-05T21:10:34.267-08:00best is yet to be<p><span style="font-size: medium;">i called 8 am half hour to ride. 10:30 am i was showered, swam, sitting pondering. i decided to postpone bookmobile. i can go anytime. even after car is fixed i'll use hopper. so nice to be chauffeured. meeting new people in a safe environment. driver michael an avid reader potential writer.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">my left leg and hip are stiff and sore. the water massage was wonderful. i needed it. i went upstairs to puzzle and considered calling anthem and benefits. nah, i need more fun so i puzzled. brian showed up to talk to nurse. fish lunch was good with toki and fred. then melvin said he was going to sv cost co would i like a ride home, yes please. so home early i started going through papers. dinner i heated chicken corn chowder. i toasted last 3 corn bread. so delicious. </span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-81455488192015294772024-03-04T07:47:00.000-08:002024-03-05T10:38:03.499-08:00bartolo 9 am garden w/bro and adele<p><span style="font-size: medium;">he's always working. and now i know how he stripped the avocado in one day. Friday he picked all the cactus. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">my back is finally hurting from mom. between my shoulder blades feels like a pillow of pain. cleaning out car found anthem prime 1/29 r'c'd. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i asked if Bartolo will have time to run errands he said 2-3 postponed from Friday. i called at 2 left message. 3 pm i called again he said he was tired but i can't tomorrow. he picked me up 4 to sunny then paid cost co bank, star 1 deposit and unity check, cup 12 returns 2 pick up and home 5 pm. i called nations benefits frozen i explained my lack of expertise Mary put in request to unlock tomorrow after 8 am.</span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-33369885266499871212024-03-03T05:39:00.000-08:002024-03-03T22:12:48.841-08:003/3 girl's day<p><span style="font-size: medium;">i watched 'the old maid' 1939 bette davis and miriam hopkins. an unusual movie for the time. the same morals until about 2000. a woman driven plot. independent women with their own money. wow.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i'm missing eric. 6/6 is boy's day and he died 6/13 his 61st b'day 3rd. his 2 b'days.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">watching 'roise and frank' an irish film entirely in gaelic. very good. 1932 bette davis' first film 'the dark horse' political, campaign, election.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i took my time, an hour at simmer to slow cook a lb of bacon in the microwave. check every half hour to avoid sticking and rotate. i usually cut it up and stir fry. this time i laid out strips on parchment paper on a newspaper topped with parchment and paper towel to soak up grease. i used to collect the grease but then i never used it. 3 strips on my green salad with cornbread. house smells delicious. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i accomplished a lot. located car pink slip, ss card, birth cert. checked over tax return. online payment options. </span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-80030407633374847222024-03-02T04:03:00.000-08:002024-03-04T10:37:29.932-08:00my family taught me how to treat myself<p><span style="font-size: medium;">i'm teaching myself to love and care for myself. criticism and humiliation are weapons to control others. when reinforced with physical and emotional violence 100 % effective. my self criticism is milder easier to let go. i misplaced movie to return and the pain was lying beneath the surface. what hurts the worst is their betrayal. family is blood connections cellular bonds. when they betray me they poison themselves. makes me sad.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">toki and bartolo left me 2 pm messages when i was shopping waiting for ride. bartolo called 8:30 am parked outside. i picked up free lucky's water and free big lots bought amino for toki. then i forgot chase card drove back home i left garage open when i got opener. whew!! bart took me back to bank i withdrew he dropped me off library 9:45 for taxes. i forgot to give him $70 for garden and $20 driving 'til he asked. i'm in such a rush. when i mentioned hopper drivers $20-23/hr he told me one eye after stroke. he doesn't like driving. he's taking his brother to do his taxes and he drives to stockton where his tax person moved.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">toki called again she bought safeway deli salad she'll give to trudy since i have. so sweet. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i forgot ss card. because ss income 1099 this year last year they waived it. this is only place required. 2 hours noon started 11:15 i'm munching survival shortbread bar. 1200 calories. and i have free waters. well played. lisa gone asian kathy very sweet. we went through checklist and she says sit back relax. i am. finished 12:30. i forgot ss card and routing numbers not on last year. walked over to st just 2655 called hopper asked call back. phone didn't ring missed call. parked across street i waved my arms big time he u-turned and home. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">hungry i heated beef salad mac egg. so good. </span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-54638642819648689022024-03-01T00:19:00.000-08:002024-03-01T21:22:27.803-08:00i'm excited<p><span style="font-size: medium;">8 am sitting waiting for via hopper to answer. 45 minutes so far. i have a lot of time to explore my phone. i did a little arranging in my car. so many memories. it rained so everything is wet, 54 degrees. a new day.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i'm looking for the rainbow. it rained and everything is wet. a break in the clouds. like valentines. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i finally noticed my phone mutes after i call so i don't hear the call back. i checked volume got a ride. seniors i showered and stretched, puzzled for a bit. lunch fish ok. melvin, his chinese friends, toki . so much negativity. i decided no bingo. business first. called bartolo he's gardening. maybe banking tomorrow. i decided to go to home safeway for friday deal. i bought mac egg salad, cheeses, finally fresh apple dawn power wash $4.97 with a coupon refill came to $1.60. smells so good. salad mix. i'm set for the weekend. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">carlos came by with 1993 white corolla $2600. checking online $1600 kbb and edmunds value. he's maintained it 20/31 years. says $1k my car as is. mine is 16 years 47 k miles versus 200 k miles. and with the terrible drivers i probably need the heavier car. and their numbers are growing.</span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-47075322681863824092024-02-29T05:57:00.000-08:002024-02-29T23:14:01.617-08:00happy leap day<p><span style="font-size: medium;">i've never felt more alive and together.</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> and grateful for my health and friends. 🦄🦄 whoa how did i do this? fun though. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">started calling 8 am 45 minutes to seniors driver <b>saran</b>. didn't swim since valentines. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">bookmobile. i forgot. i let cody know i'd see him tuesdays pacific gardens. i forgot thursdays completely.<b> i'm already living my new life.</b></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i learned from yesterday. after lunch i started calling for a ride. home by 2. first hour no service booking computer down. i puzzled. rude person's snide remarks prompted me to tell her how messed up the puzzle was pieces jammed together so she got stuck. a statement of fact. she denied doing it when i know for a fact when i watched her doing it. i removed the blocks and finished the puzzle in an hour while she complained. i called and booked with <b>hernan</b>. he knew where the senior center was and confirmed gps sent bus stop location. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">so i rested in bed. i cooked potato and pollock. coconut curry chickpeas just right. ate remainder salad. i'll try clearance greek olives.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">8 pm feels like 45 but weather service says 54 degrees. nothing on tv.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">in bed i decided to check OTC balance $30 instead of anthem prime $150 page 71. programmed phone numbers noted crazy arbitrary hours no mention of time zone. tomorrow. checked silver sneakers. not in table of contents so i added. 11:15 pm now. i feel like i'm doing their job. </span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-88848133437553346802024-02-28T05:34:00.000-08:002024-02-29T19:29:53.611-08:00peach pie cottage cheese b'fast<p><span style="font-size: medium;">i'm re configuring my life. 9 am i called via 40 minutes for a ride. i perused website drivers make $20-$23/hour. sounds like a lot doesn't cover much sv. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">yay! i got marisa for driver. she loaded case in hatch. i've discovered i love being waited on. maybe what vacationers love. website says no tips. so got here 10:30. i could stay and swim 4-6 pm. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i forgot to charge and lost settings regained good time. 2 weeks since ka-boom. my knee is more sensitive. i'm more sensitive. feels weird diverting from my old routine. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">there's part of me loving the change. like i'm unlimited. except for eye twitching most uncomfortable. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>brittney called back</b>. because of officer burgos' police report citing my left turn, my fault. eh, too many errors in the report. eh, i wasn't surprised we live in a trump world. called carlos to start repair process. seniors had yaris 2010 for sale $6700 obo. i thought about it. 14 year car 4 years left on battery. $500-$1000 to replace.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">took me 4 hours to get home. ashley kept going to bus stop or she cancelled, she's getting paid hourly not by job. so she can drive all over all day for the same money. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">8-9 pm amazon i ordered potassium water softener cubes. <b> rose dency</b> in pp helped me for an hour applying for card great chase rewards. </span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-1150625651101286752024-02-27T04:04:00.000-08:002024-02-27T10:49:12.477-08:00sans belt<p><span style="font-size: medium;">my back is so much better after resting it all yesterday. i moved around a lot not carrying anything like mom or dad. no brace. my bunion is the most painful thing. used to be my left one but it's so much better through stretching my lower back and foot massage. my muscles feel better balanced.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">and yesterday my blog updated automatically. not today. i ate spaghetti-os/meatballs for breakfast. so great. mom always said it was too expensive. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">8:30 am drifting in and out of sleep i get it. </span><span style="font-size: medium;">i'm re balancing 1999. hellish year of sisters torturing parents. no rest or sleep for me. every year we live is recorded in the body. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i don't have to force myself to walk to nob hill. i'm watching the relationships on 'just shoot me' and i just impulsively followed my heart. i never considered options. i never had any as a child. i wasn't allowed to make any decisions. i was told what to do on threat of death. i was threatened all the time so my sisters harassing threatening me with physical eviction came as no surprise. hurt added to insult. feeling stupid for taking care of mom and dad alone when my parents never stood up for me. toki was the first person ever to defend me to helen. when she did it felt monumental. </span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-6891871004333523202024-02-26T03:02:00.000-08:002024-02-26T20:17:25.289-08:001999<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">dad died. mom was meaner than usual. i let it go too sad and i was used to the abuse. she was heartbroken her daughters didn't make good on their promise to take care of her after dad died. they had too many secrets. too many lies. </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">i looked almost all day for bill. wasn't with others. i went through A LOT of paper, organized things i didn't have the heart for, too painful. </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">5 pm 'color of magic' so good. i don't know how i missed it 2008. </span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-67313981686014191162024-02-25T02:42:00.000-08:002024-02-25T21:23:51.902-08:00weirdest dreams<p><span style="font-size: medium;">not knowing where i am. feeling safe. like i'm bringing heaven to earth. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">sleeping like a baby waking every few hours falling back asleep. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">checking through my e mails i stopped maintaining them 11/1/23.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">noon i called bartolo for a ride to sunny. he said he was busy 'til 3 pm. showed up like clock work. at sunny i returned 2 borrowed 3 movies. box puzzle of planets. then stopped at lucky's for free liter zen water. 2 clearance manana water $1.49 ea, salad mix and big lots free 12 oz water and spaghetti-o meatballs $1.49. everything i wanted, good prayer partner. i gave bartolo choc shake to try. i was exhausted. home 4 pm i put everything away ate fish stew with bread butter. </span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-21130204473531584312024-02-24T05:22:00.000-08:002024-02-24T23:05:34.147-08:00new feelings<p><span style="font-size: medium;">my back feels better. my digestion is calming down. while my neck, legs, hips still hurting.. i have the energy to read. i can hold the book.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">8 am i easily used ice pick to separate 3 pieces of frozen pollock fish from 2 lb block, added diced tomatoes. The difficult part is the correct size cooking dish to keep moist. 2 minutes high 45 simmer. crock pot cooking without the bulky clean up. the only thing doesn't work is beans. i'll add corn and can garbanzos. meanwhile i can have protein shake or survival shortbread or oatmeal.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">guilt and habit drove me to do. now without a car i have time to be. i'm still processing feelings, separating strands of feelings, examining. i've always run from them. usually got me punishment from family. walter brings it all back. he's better stronger than before. if he doesn't want to change it's ok i can't be around it.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">called him to apologize leaving seniors abruptly. nice chat. he doesn't think he can change i told him he already has. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">'just shoot me' season 3 is so funny. 1999 dad died. </span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8569648888426565526.post-4843094585673061742024-02-23T04:05:00.000-08:002024-02-24T05:22:01.882-08:00christmas lucky charm<p><span style="font-size: medium;">i'm too independent for relationships. i don't need anyone. i grew up without anyone i could depend on. i learned to survive on my own from 2 years old when mom took me from grandma and made my sister be my mom. disaster for all of us. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">i don't know if i'm terrified or excited. what a day. long wait times for hopper going and coming from senior center. i finally arrived 10 am. i walked to post office said hi to paul lloyd's friend bought sheet of 2024 dragon stamps. i walked to mission library 16 minutes one way. returned overdue. checked out mission puzzle table. open later than seniors. walked back for lunch. kenny and trudy waiting. nice not to be first for a change. toki and fred late. lunch ok. i puzzled 10 minutes. i remembered not to drink too much water. i won 3 x bingo,. snack bar and 2 tops. walter showed up so i left before last game i was exhausted. he needs something to shake him up less violently. i've had my wake up call. so much 'stuff' to handle</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">i'm loving being local. </span><span style="font-size: medium;">book mobile schedule pacific gardens tuesday 3/5 10 am. </span></p>$u$an!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/15011519203244031990noreply@blogger.com0