I walked to nob hill and bought avocado ice cream. except for high sugar and salt delicious. 50 cent orange hostess cupcake and dollar orange liquor. hurrah me! home 9:30 I decided to try green smog. half price retest. easy no one, two food trucks and bus stop. practically a carnival.
lucky's I bought 4 burritos, chips, lettuce, 2 cheeses. i'm feeling deliciously tired.
my good memories are stored in my car. this house and garage reek of the family. their influence, the family traditions of depression, alcohol and suicide. I've been running my entire life trying to escape. I've spent the last 16 years healing a lifetime of disappointments. Mitzi always asked me what I wanted and then proceeded in great detail to explain her denial. always a slap in the face like from mom. huh, I feel angry. I imagined I was used to a lifetime of abuse. I filled one barrow put away. so depressing I made some eggs and slept an hour.
I got up to watch the game show at 10 am 'temptation' channel off air. reminded me I have the entire 'medium' 1-7 seasons.
noon; uncle died 3/21/17 ex's b'day and Eric 6/13/17. auntie 3/10/24 and I were suffering, missing our brothers. they're all together.
my post completely disappeared including title. i'm sure I saved it. oh, well.
I parked on the street and carefully replaced the cover and drove slowly to lucky's for free Gatorade tablets and herbal tea. $13.50. I really don't like driving.
lunch was good. fish and extra 3 x size serving. Toki, Fred, Mike. I went to Carlos' he glued cover. looked at the new hood, lights gap. so new shiny. started emptying the trunk. so many memories. all my stuff, everyone's stuff is memories time to let go. hurts my stomach.
football draft nothing on TV early bed.
driving is now work. it used to be a pleasure. a privilege. now too much traffic, too many bad drivers. it's a j o b.
my first day driving. I stopped at sprouts and bought a dinner sandwich 1.99, giant artichoke 99 and celery bites 99. I consider 2 chases I'm not ready.
3 messages from Carlos yesterday 2-5. car is ready. i called him today pedro called also i offered carlos $100 to arrange drop off and test drive to his garage then deliver to senior center or garage. i don't know. i'm not overly anxious to drive. it's become a job. like cooking.
I have check book $2000 to Pedro. already paid $500 cashed 10th. Carlos said Pedro increased to $3000. I left Pedro's check with Carlos. he'll call him.
Pedro notes 3/20 Wednesday towed car $120 Delgado towing, $1000 parts, $1000 labor, the $500 for welding fixing frame. Tuesday 3/26 10:30 am verified Pedro repair costs with Carlos.
I walked to mission which I wouldn't with a car. I'm not missing the car except for laundry and specious shopping. i'm not missing the car.
I've become my mom, afraid to drive. well, afraid of being hit. being hit explains a lot of her behavior. her brother, my uncle, was horrible, beating on my cousins. it seemed normal. mom was so violent. as a child I didn't question her behavior it was all I knew. I was just surviving. her fear was her karma.
Hopper is inconsistent and unreliable just like my family. but Hopper eventually comes through not the family. Mekennon drove to seniors, cancelled cup ride. Marissa loaded my gym case in the trunk. Kuben too.
my legs, feet, hips are so sore and stiff. Lhosa gave me 5 Sara Lee bagels like candy. more sugar than onions on the wrapper. great for dessert I've eaten 3.
I walked to nob hill 6:30 for deli salad none so I bought 2 chili Verde and 1 EVOO.
i'm never alone even when I think I am. so feelings can be wrong. they were when I married. lamb to the slaughter.
i'm planning my week. I have movies to pick up at mission by 25th and 1 overdue at county 26th plus 9 movies tomorrow.
I have 2 repairs at home. Melvin offered a ride home. I enjoy watching people. Fred is my new delightfully silly brother. I always wanted a huge family. I always felt I was wasting time being. I had to be doing. being is doing. doing is not being.
bartolo called, back from vacation said he was back to work fry day. I still have to get to the bank.
I was still hungry after lunch I made spam and egg rice at 3 pm. 4 pm nap time.
taking care of the family. doctors, hospitals, keeping the peace. 24/7 for my life. I lived a life sentence 'til sisters betrayed all of us including themselves. cheaters cheat themselves.
lemmings are a legend. they don't really commit suicide. only people do.
I saw meme. no burritos. I filled water. walked the store bought some tortilla chips and tiny drink samples. auto update is working. now it stopped working at all. must be a virus. oh, well.
heated and ate castle burgers. perfect with chips. napped 3 hours. I never imagined i'd live this long. the best time in history to be old. social security, pensions, medicare, social services, public transportation. being old could be better.
6 more minutes. Kueenthiran. doesn't know what his name means. I'm always amazed when people are not curious.
with unlimited funds i'd retire and spend my time meditating.
I called Peter / Pedro I think he said one week. I called Carlos he'll confirm.
I kinda do and kinda don't want to drive. 57 years is a long time. like I don't care for cooking 65 years. boring. eating is still fun.
such a horrendous stomach ache. like 2001. agony. I have tools. I ate a bach rescue pastille from sprouts. I stayed motionless for half an hour 'til the pain subsided. I drank pink grapefruit juice back then instant relief by accident. it was all I had. I have packets of instant immune pink grapefruit add to water I bought at Walmart years ago to help me today.
i'm watching '10 things I hate about you' a remake of Shakespeare's 'taming of the shrew'. smart and funny. I watched it on TV because I saw part of it in the 'i am heath ledger' documentary.
'good burger 2' entertaining and smartly stupid.
i'm trying to research performers and search won't work.
I'm walking to mission to pick up holds with hat and shoes. an hour walking and living my life. picked up 3 and 2 more appeared.
I took my car, driving where I want, when I want for granted. I resented parking and walking. I avoided busy times. being chauffeured is great. I'm dropped off at the door.
i'm going through the fridge. I found some chocolate, tossed dried out cream cheese packets.
Brian showed up in the tub. he has Tues off from school. he resents Biden from 1991 credit card changes. how absurd. so now I know what's holding him in place.
I like going home early and relaxing. watching my game shows. lunch very good. Thomas, Fred, Toki.
i'm trying different fonts.
I napped 4-6.
good day. I kept it simple. the chicken wrap was quarter cup raw onions. no left over chili.
fred gave me mariner's (?) windbreaker with inside pockets. some team.
I'm not sore today. my feet are a little tender no blisters as I feared. a good day for self care. I'm feeling restless. usually when i hurt myself over doing.
start TV is showing 'medium' marathon 9 am going to 6 am tomorrow. 21 hours. I don't think i've ever seen the pilot. generally syndication repeats the same shows. I found the entire series at county. I can watch without any commercials. I can take hopper to cup for pick up and drop off 'all creatures'.
i fixed lime rain jacket. zipper broke yesterday. i still wore it under my short sleeve fishing shirt. motivated to categorize my zipper collection i had one 28.5 separating white zipper. took maybe an hour to remove the broken one and stitch in the new. i used large stitches in case i have to reuse it.
trip planning to Sunny library I realized I can take the hopper to the local 22 bus on El Camino. first I thought of lucky's drop off then gym then Starbucks is in front of bus stop. hurrah!! coming back I cross ECR at Halford.
Mekenna drove a huge van the size of a small school bus. 22 bus every 15 minutes. driver didn't charge me. walked to library sprinkling rain. I puzzled and rested. 11:30 I started walking to the bus stop across in front of Michael's. $1 to Halford Lawrence. I walked across to big lots then lucky's. I bought four 69 cent Tina burritos and got my free Texas bbq sauce then I figured I could walk in the time a car could pick me up in 30 minutes. I wore the wrong boots. next time my hiking boots. I did it.
3 pm nap attack. half hour I was refreshed.
I walked to nob hill 6:30 am. I bought white castle chicken sliders, cheese, 2 dozen eggs for $12.88. called hopper 7:26.
i'm researching bus. Google maps has way better bus schedule and transportation options. I'm printing free details. I hope they're accurate. woo hoo!! even if I never take the bus I'm proud of myself. I'm traveling without moving.
lunch with Toki, Fred, Mike, Florence. I sat with Jane in the fireside room when Melvin offered ride home. I'm so sleepy from allergies. home 1 pm I heated the slider. I set out salad to room temp. I diced spam with poppy seed dressing.
I found a new route to the sunny library taking hopper to lucky's then 22 bus $5.50 round trip.
he's cancelled my ride many times. after swim I went to computer room 10 free copy pages/ day. I researched bus riding for hour and half printed 2 maps.
Jane makes me laugh. she carries the roller instead of rolling it. I didn't want to sit at table 10 again all this week. I chose table # 4 with Toki, Fred, Jane, 2 strangers. I got extra zucchini, beans hamburger. Jane and Toki talking about big target sale. I asked for a ride Jane took me home too. I bought sale raw sunflower seeds using my e gift card from last year. Jane's worked at Target for a long time. she knows everyone. she's so personable. 1:45 just in time for person, place or thing game show at 2.
i'm feeling so relaxed and sleepy.
i've been barely surviving. i'm learning to thrive. the lily in the mud.
melvin home from seniors. I'm resting for riding the bus.
I was so disappointed in 2001. mom died, she taught my sisters to hate everyone especially mom and dad. I was terminally depressed. didn't help I broke my back caring for ungrateful people. mom always considered me stupid for caring. she called me stupid to my face repeatedly. she taught my sisters to be cold and callous so they wanted her money and refused her. I was so saddened I considered the family tradition of suicide. but if you don't resolve issues in this lifetime you have to come back. suicide is an insane, self defeating attempt at revenge. it's an accusatory 'look what you made me do.'
so it's a last resort. I called Peter/Pedro 10:14 for update on car repairs 'got check $500 waiting on parts'. gas is over $5/gal.
I had Ramon 8:30 and Michael 12:45 driving me today. I decided not to hang around. so much lunch leftovers. Andy, Toki, Fred, Jane for lunch companions. so pleasant.
power outage for half hour no TV to ignore pain. I know how to distract myself. I can't tolerate pain. massaging helps a tiny bit. decompressing my lower back distracts me a tiny bit. pain is exhausting. exactly one hour power out.
T iron actually showed up morning. going home he and Ashley cancelled after an hour. luys booked we'll see. maybe they went home.
typical day seniors. lunch ok. Andy, Trudy, Kenny, Toki, Thomas, Fred, Mike. some days a full table other days scarce.
luys on time home 6:30. hour and a half waiting. I don't mind. I can entertain myself. I think I should care.
i'm embracing where i am right now. i walked to nob hill there's a bus stop on the corner. it's all in figuring out the street names.
searching for the spot. i took it out of my pocket, put it on the pillow next to me. when i went to charge it i looked through blankets, took apart pillows, recycle bag 3 times. i decided no tv 'til i found it. looked in heal my life for the root cause. i've always been attention deficit from autism. it's why we're so pleasant. we can't remember to hold a grudge. nothing on confusion next best dizziness "i am deeply centered and peaceful in life. i am safe to be alive and joyous." i wrote it out 3 times and remembered i'd loaded my supplement container for the week and it had fallen into the box. relief.
i feel good. i used to feel exhausted. not driving has allowed my back to balance. i didn't hurt myself.
watching '10th kingdom' i realize the evil, cruel, vicious mother is traditional. the good mother is the exception.
i'm watching saturday night live kristen wiig. i haven't stayed up this late for tv in years.
good day. good drivers.
i made a HUGE mistake. i let walter mess up my chrome. he said i needed a gmail account to load via hopper. i believed him. wrong. library no down load. i trusted the chicken man because i wanted to. i was waiting for hopper to take me to safeway for mac salad. i walked across to library to pick up spot.
pouring rain. we bought clearance soda. good time to shop.
swam, lovely uneventful day. carnitas good. i decided to go home early. marissa driver. rainy and feeling the strain. 1:30 'love boat' resting. 2-2:30 'person, place, or thing.' i put out trash and recycle. 3-4 'people puzzle'. old noir films. 'cry wolf' 1947 barbara stanwyck, errol flynn, richard basehart.
watching 'wheel' i decided i don't like old hotels. too busy and distracting. i prefer plain and simple.
i keep thinking it's friday. i don't know what i feel. i checked hopper charges. slightly weird.
i called to ask designated destinations anthem Gabby said the only limitation is one destination per day.
i must have floated over bold. no i didn't. no idea what happened.
ramon scheduled for 1:15 now 1:30. right on time.
bartolo called leaving tomorrow returning 20th. oh, well.
chrome didn't either. locked me out. carlos called 12:34 to request check for pedro. i offered to write and give from senior center. pedro shy preferred mail. didn't pick up yesterday. i wrote life ins. too.
danilo picked me up. i told him lawyers' referral for legal questions. his ex is marie. 2 nice people. i like praying for people. i wrote card for inge and passed it around. jess said they put together goody bag for inge and i can add my card.
i'm contemplating banking. not today. i forgot short senior hours.
terrible language block. hopper sending pick up to santa clara st. not fremont. i dreamed i was driving my car.
