whew! survived another month-free pizza

i'm comfortable w/o hot spot.  amazing me.  I used to get so agitated and feel cheated or deprived.  gone.  

I have 5 minutes to dawdle before pool shower.  

I started watching DUNE 2.  due tomorrow 5 available.  pretty good i'm remembering a lot.  such a hellish time of my life 1972.  the loneliest.  I wonder about Walter.  married to his dad.  i've never really had a relationship.  hard to miss what I never had.  

i remembered i have tuna pasta in trunk with Sau bread perfect lunch.  St Just closed for Labor day holiday.  I have Mac nuts garlic onion powder, dried cherries, jerky.  

3:57 pm 2 free pizza at sunny library.  I parked in the shade at pd.  dug out 2 puzzles to return.  8 free pizzas on table in front I took med veg and individual cheese.  just sitting in shade.  homeless guy complained cold pizza.  made me laugh.  guard too enjoyed freebie.  I was just realizing no lunch Monday.  confirmation i'm on the right track.  I drove the easy way.

it's my prerogative

internet must be heavily loaded.  Walter is eating lunch with seniors.  he's taking care of himself.  he's socializing.  nourish the body and spirit.  our parents were so terrified of other people.  3 lin, small Gloria, ugly cut in line while I was keeping order in lobby.  they're dead to me.  killed themselves.  I pointed it out, they disrespected me, chose to treat me as non existent.  now they don't exist in my world.  ghosts.  

1 pm main new puzzle.  boring.  eh.  I can do or not do.  I have 3 movies I can watch.  

I picked up my freebie recover drink and 5 party size chips for price of 2.  3x monopoly.  I'm having more fun.  

6:50 am

terrible slow hiccups online internet.  I think a bug.   

lunch ok.  Toki and Fred.  Mike in intensive care at Kaiser.  flashback 9/5/1999.  and 6/13/2017 O'Connor.  

Walter tried to play "God ain't it awful."  I won't play.  he starts complaining in general then his stomach he abuses I refuse to listen or condone his complaints he has created.  doesn't serve anyone.  he actually thinks it's funny he can laugh in his misery without me.

literal carrots

 i've been setting my auto pilot for the wrong carrots.  I want carats.  

RESET.  94 degree day.  library wonderful.  I parked underneath.  I don't even care everything on the dash fell.  I located new daily word, I'm set for next month so far.  car insurance good.  aaron's mom frantic.  I helped on puzzle so he can eat 4:30 or she won't leave.  I ate lunch leftover pasta chicken at 3 when I got here.  

with unlimited funds I would live in a retirement community and be chauffered.  

feeling sad wanting to cry-CRASH!!

then I remembered dad's death day and the hell Alien put us through.  my body reacts before my mind catches up.  no wonder i'm feeling exhausted.  I didn't sleep due to Alien's machinations for months kissing up to mom leaving him with me to listen to him whine and cry, begging for death.  having him wake me at all hours and still having to work to pay my bills.

I commiserated with Walter.  he came to lunch.  I know how hard it is to stay motivated when the stick is gone.  I prefer 'carrots'.  I have to change my perception.  I've been creating literal carrots.  

CRASH!!  took an hour totally stressed out to get back into blogger.  first I forgot .com so I couldn't use invalid address.  then it locked me out of ymail to Google.  AUGHH!!  texts I couldn't retrieve in my phone.  

ch-ch-changes

I showered, swam, picked up st just lunch and bag.  ate lunch main cafe.  upstairs poor little boy babysitting his mother at puzzle table.  he's the adult in the relationship.  poor thing.  dragged around like a stuffed toy.  my childhood was the same.  we were just along for their convenience.  we went where the parents wanted to go.  kids learn to shut up and put up to survive.  

his name is Aaron 5 half no school.  mother is a tiny liar.  claims to have younger daughter just like Alien.  looks me in the eye and lies.  not as good at lying as Alien.  she's saying at 3 pm she wanted to finish the puzzle and has cold cooked lunch at home.  she has a child she's starving.  he's so skinny.  now I know why there are so many diabetics.  sugar rhythm out of wack from dysfunctional childhood.  another form of abuse, neglect, criminal parenting.  he won't know what he feels from being denied existence.  I know from my own life experience i'm recovering now.  it hurts me to watch.

sunday 9:30 dozing since 5 I can't stay awake.  I want to watch "sweet little beet" Bullwinkle cartoon about being abused by 2 sisters.  in the end she decides to go home to the devils she knows.  truly human behavior.  slept more 'til 12:30 I need to eat whether hungry or not.  I made tuna sandwich.  chips.  

"a thunder of jets in an open sky, a streak of grey and a cheerful Hi!  a loop, a whirl and a vertical climb and once again you'll know it's time for the Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends."  

picked up pasta sauce-almost forgot to return SPOT

to go with free cooked pasta, grapefruit wine double monopoly this weekend.  

New Seasons Wednesday 65+ senior discount 10%.  

I almost went home with it.  I remembered in second elevator.  

going according to plan

saw Dave and pretended everything ok.  he has 2 ex wives.  not just the horrible Megan.  being dysfunctional has it's perks.  I can pretend everything is fine.

I was going to return spot but i'll wait 'til tomorrow after loading freebie.  gave Cody more fruit.  I'm on Facebook.  he mentioned my perfect pitch.  I'm used to it.  I did karaoke so much.

freebie 9.52 skinny pasta.  lunch ok I was starving.  cloudy overcast.  

8 moth day

and more is being revealed.  house is the only place i've encountered moths.  something about the family.

Walter day

like Monday when Jessica had to check in everyone in the gym using paper and pencil the computer malfunctioned and omitted a lot of people from today's lunch reservation list.  Jessica, Jennifer, Dino made sandwich sack lunches not enough hot ordered.  Walter showed up visibly upset so I made him go home for nourishment first told him 45 minutes.  another hen died.  I told him each death reminds him of his losses, they're all still dead.  and reaching out to his senior community is a huge step forward.  if I can save him 10 minutes of pain using my experiences it's worth it.  and i'm consolidating,reinforcing my gains.  and I played on the puzzle.

our families isolated, abused and neglected us teaching us to do it to ourselves.  bunk!  no more of that.  

so I might go to sunny sewing or not.  my choice.  I watched half of people puzzler.  

living my truth

 feels threatening.  paid Discover.  put out bins.

well, Dave had a melt down after announcing he didn't drink last night.  I wondered at his anxiety level.  he has pedophile issues and doesn't question Trump's behavior choosing to believe his lies even though he's molested so many women. Dave's book will still change thinking patterns.  maybe not his own.  I consider people's actions not words.  talk is cheap.  page 21 adult survivors of toxic family members familiar lies are comforting and feel safe, the devil you know.

i brought the extra groceries to the senior park.  I considered St J but it didn't feel right.  10 I had a snack in the rose garden.  lovely.  the new me.  

I talked to Cody at central.  he mentioned the online singing for Elvis Presley death day said i'm even more famous now.  I told him senior front desk complimented me next day.  I love maniacs who make me laugh.  there's a bunch online I couldn't find mine.

blah

upset stomach, sore body.  all I did yesterday.  and my restlessness this morning.  I took out garbage and recycle.  so much I want to do without forcing or torturing myself.  finding and keeping the balance of doing and being.  

I cooked veg meatballs in the malfunctioning toaster oven making it work for me.  delicious 5 per serving.  

i'm still feeling unenthusiastic.  I checked hours for Walmart and cup library.  I'm being kind to myself.  later this week.  I'm resting.  

Dave showed up 10

talked with him 'til 11.  best relationship.  St J pantry since there is no working elevator at the library.  home at noon I put away the pantry.  eggs, celery, cauliflower.  other weird things.  they froze fresh strawberries a mess.  a lot of garbage.

I wore a new dark blue paisley broom skirt as a strapless dress with a shrug.  the new me.  the old me wouldn't have had the nerve.  I'm watching cartoons and feeling good.  

I prepped the strawberries and ate them plain, delicious.  

1975 a boy and his dog and gaslight 1944.  classics.  movies that shaped my life.  

no season 7 at library

i'll check you tube for the love boat.  I loaded free Gatorade water and walked lucky's checking mac treat and burrito supply.  

I learned a new word: inerrant-infallible, without errors.  page 24.  I'm reading Dave's book.  so many questions and answers.  

i'm reading and laughing.  it occurred to me Dave is worried about obesity he should eat here.  lunch with Fred, Melvin, finally Toki.  

best Friday ever!  I was feeling so tired sick went to college Safeway for sushi and free water, tried fruit tart loved it.  macadamia $7 on sale $8 reg price.  home I'm still feeling tired, happy baby.  bad air.  

oh, oh.  csaa car insurance email.  terrible on a Friday to worry all weekend.  psych trick.  

Healer's Prayer page 24 ACIM textbook.  I am here only to be truly helpful.  I am here to represent He Who sent me.  I do not have to worry about what to say or what to do, because He Who sent me will direct me.  I am content to be wherever He wishes knowing He goes there with me.  I will be healed as I let Him teach me to heal.

home and rest

I talked with Dave for an hour in the tub then Cody bookmobile.  new me is relaxed.  I returned how healing works missing pages 5-8 after getting a complete copy from sunny.

the air makes me sick.  my stomach, throat, you name it.  as soon as i'm indoors I feel ok.  outside is toxic.

home 1:45 just in time for love boat wrap up.  season 7 I don't remember.  I walked sprouts sampling snacks.  

i'm pampering myself.  

i'm having more fun

i soaked twice.  I actually sleep in the tub I get so relaxed.  happiness is not caring about the small stuff and realizing it's all small stuff.  I'm drinking protein and feeling better.  stronger.  

read a lot

I have new hope for peace.  all it takes is 2 believing it's possible.  peace in our time.  Trump is speaking his lies on Univision tonight.  he'll say anything.  I remember his splitting up families at the Mexican border and treating immigrants like trash.  he treated them all, men women children as criminals putting them in separate prisons.  

Dave's book is written to change thinking.  it's changing mine.  I have hope for world peace and peace has begun with me.

home to watch people puzzler at 3 pm rest watched people place thing drove to sunny first parking space.  Andy was personable as ever.  sewed my white denim skirt that I made from pants.  added elastic casing.  used new baby lock machine.  lots of plastic.  hmm..  maybe lighter weight.  walked sprouts corn bread piece.  home 9:30.

prosperity

so beautiful sitting here Cupertino library upstairs reclining.  I showered at gym 9 am new cleaning from 8-9.  considered big lots.  decided later.  arrived 9:50 tried returning movies outside, 2 only accepted inside machine.  weird.  

I started getting hungry and surprise too sweet jerky.  I have all I need.  took me 2 hours to read people magazine.  very restful.  I can't ever remembering feeling this content.  this calm.  found book on healing depression.  healing is my focus, my purpose.  healing myself heals my part of the universe.  healing is contagious.

stopped big lots insoles, macadamia, orange walnuts, 

home 2:15 Olympic closing ceremony.  so many millions, billions spent on increasing global warming.  SUICIDE.   partying while the planet goes up in flames.  we'll asphyxiate first.  burn up all the oxygen.  

i'm hungry-city wide yard sales

I picked up st just lunch, considered Northside anniversary too much driving.  sitting eating my lunch in library cafe looked for and found Dave dewars roberts bully patrol working on world peace page 14 Goodreads and page 16 Amazon.  he promised me a copy.

2 pm i realized how tired i was feeling.  home and rest.  i spent the morning looking through the car for costco rebate check from february i lost track of after the tesla car episode.  at Costco I filled gas tank.  7:45 am little traffic just today.  

perfectly relaxed

I'm thinking differently.  Andy didn't offer me his carabiner, he gave it to me to look at and I assumed.  I traded it back to him.  he's so gracious.  oh, i'm too funny.  

after lunch I went to Citibank paid Costco then picked up lucky freebie, 2 clearance BLT salads, 3 tuna pasta, blue cheese olives.  

2 nights in a row

I slept without waking every 2 hours.  OMG HUGE!!  usually once a month if that much.  2 nights in a row is amazing.  maybe the new supplements ashwaganda, passionflower, plus CBD, extra tub time, extra protein Ensure I don't care as long as it works.  and keeps working.

moth er

so many I thought Mitzi moth and mom always with the moth balls.  I suppose ok for both, third daughters so much alike.  and ailing=Sadie sadist.  

playing hooky

91 degrees.  sprouts clearance sandwich, greens, chicken tenders, mango lillikoi.  I thought about sewing at sunny but too hot.  I'll wait 'til it's cooler.  spent the afternoon at main.  

an hour to finish color puzzle.

senior cool and comfortable.  savory snack for b'fast.  my back feels ok my heart is heavy.  finished color puzzle 8 am.

10:30 back to puzzling.  Mallory asked me to sort repeated puzzles for downstairs.  done and done.  she has new ones.

white couple insultingly legally stupid.  playing cards on puzzle table too stupid to read sign.  too stupid too move.  I just waited.  I told them rules are to keep society civilized.  I asked if first day she said no was it mine I just looked at her as stupid answered no.  

I puzzled 'til 3:30 Jane came along to impress workmen trying to connect computer copier talking too loudly I whispered to her and told her I was going to pool.  he looked at me so gratefully.  6 pm I went to sprouts looking for dinner bought 4 CBD.  they charge tax.  

eureka

i found my car macadamia and too sweet jerky.  I've been organizing groceries and bills since 6:30.  

                                                                                                          my hips are sore.  i've been feeling loosy goosy.  the only way to describe this weird feeling.  this blog is behaving loosy goosy.  a true reflection of my energy now.  must be sugar.  too much sugar.  I was never keen on sugar as a kid.  I didn't like the fallout.  funny how I connected it together.  most people still don't.  like they can't feel their bodies.  explains obesity.  constant exhaustion from weight lifting.  carrying around 50 extra pounds all day is work.   I organized Chase, bank, life papers not since 2 years.  and the world is just fine.  so much of what we do isn't necessary.                                                                                                                                                                    lunch I mixed rainbow greens with tamarind pulled chicken and parmesan bagel.  dinner I wanted hash and greens.  almond Danish dessert.

lovely 64 degrees

seniors 7:55 am I organized car.  I love relaxing and living stress free.  i'd have enjoyed my life.  never too late, I appreciate my life.  I puzzled 'til 9, showered refreshed, I went to Sprouts had 2 CBD gummy, seltzer sale, rocky road, trying sale sugar beef jerky.  ooh with micro greens.  

I had 15 minutes to St Just 6 minutes to spare for lunch pick up.  corn chips, almond pastry.  Charity so sweet.  by the time I parked she had it ready.  everything in trunk staying cold.  parked under main library.  ate lunch in crowded cafe.  finished half done ocean puzzle at closing.

4 pm I decided I still want my Cupertino movie 'ministry of ungentlemanly warfare'.  here I am.  81 degrees very humid day 57%.  oh dear 5 pm already.  I love love love the quiet company.  no one bitching, moaning, or complaining.  they want me to feel sorry for them I just feel annoyed.

oooo, bad air quality.  stay indoors air conditioning.  stay hydrated.  stayed 'til 6:30 closing car in beautiful shade.  considered eating rocky road.  not yet.  for dinner.  home for jeopardy and wheel.

banking today-happy Friday to me

I picked up my free dark chocolate peanut chew and 2 clearance chicken bacon Cesar salads for the price of 1 $1.98, go figure.  I showered and finally found the orange that turned into a science experiment in my gym roller.  meant for Toki I forgot.  it dissolved in my swim so I will wash.  another mystery solved.

I ate one salad with a peach so delicious I offered the other salad to Marie Walter's friend no or Sydney.  I have another peach too.  b'fast was ensure drink.

I love living relaxed.  life has been a burden.  had my entire life been one of ease i could enjoy being.

Trudy and Kenny held the table.  I was too tired.  they were late opening and still scanning cards takes Nahyoung forever.  Fred, Mike and Melvin showed up before Toki.  Diane sat with us.  everyone likes meatloaf and mash.  I went to Sprouts kids meal $3.84, 2 sale CBD seltzer, 2 green sprouts closing out Moana loa mango lillikoi $4.  withdrew at Flora chase I want to deposit in cup.

super early seniors/survived another july

all ready and I considered recycle not today.  so I came and rested.  I gathered my thoughts.  I am peacefully listening to my you tube healing.  a 180 from 2008.  I came early to ensure close parking.  I couldn't sleep, couldn't walk much.  sitting, everything was torture.  i've learned to cope and become more comfortable.

bob Marley 'one love' very moving and confusing.  how can he have compassion for the world yet have so little respect and understanding for his wife expecting her to raise his illegitimate children.  rhetorical.  

'Big George Foreman' second time became world champion at 45.  

ah, Walter came by Minnie died.  he was cuddling tootsie.  he cried we commiserated onward and upward.

I remembered to mail life post office, dropped off avocados at Carlos', he put up metal security door, I'm so jealous, home 3 pm.