quite a few steps. like being in chemistry class. i'm feeling better. I'm still feeling tired and my back is screaming. i'm doing more. took out garbage and recycle for tomorrow pick up. i'm stretching and resting. my muscles are actually sore.
epiphany-1:19 pm i'm making it harder for me. my training has been to suffer.
when i asked mom 1999 why she was so mean to me she said she was toughening me. she pampered my sisters gave them everything they asked. navigating the world is tough enough i need a family to love and support me. my sisters are doing what my mom taught them; to abuse and humiliate me. i used to choose people to abuse, humiliate, and make my life worse. what was familiar family.
i can chase after free things and/or have heaven come to me.
sisters hate me in place of mom. they hate her. i'm just collateral damage. mom used me as the scapegoat to avoid pain but it didn't work. no matter what she did for my sisters they hated her.
confirmation-8:30 pm put garbage and recycle bins in street, 8:45 filled gas at cost co, on website opened 'til 8. maybe 'cause a card i don't know just that i filled tank. step one to better health. 70 degrees warm. drove in filled tank home 9 pm. i was prepared to return home if too crowded.
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