I KEEP AWAKING TO FRIDAY

THIS WEEK I WAKE UP THINKING IT'S FRIDAY.  MAYBE BECAUSE IT'S THE FIRST OR I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND.  I CAN DO MY BANKING OR WAIT.

BILL MURRAY GROUND HOG DAY MOVIE SATURDAY. 

I HAVE TO PAY HOUSE INSURANCE BY FRIDAY, LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE. 

TODAY CAMPBELL LIBRARY.

3 PM-I DECIDED ON CUPERTINO LIBRARY.  I PICKED UP A COPY OF GROUNDHOG DAY.  I CAME HOME AND WATCHED THE END OF MILLIONAIRE AND JEOPARDY.  I ATE VEG CHILI FROM SENIORS.  ART AND INGE SAVED ME NEWSPAPER.  PRETTY SWEET.  I HAD A ROAST BEEF SANDWICH FOR LUNCH AND REMEMBERED DILL PICKLE. 

STILL AGITATED

I MUST STILL BE UP LEVELING.  I RECOGNIZE AND ACKNOWLEDGE FEELING CONFLICTED, RESTLESS.  THAT'S IMPROVEMENT.  AND I CAN LET THAT BE, OBSERVING MYSELF.  LIKE A CHARACTER IN THE STORY OF MY LIFE. A HUMAN BEING.

I OBSERVED ROSE MARIE YESTERDAY.  SHE CAME TO INGE'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT SENIOR CENTER.  SHE HASN'T CHANGED HER ATTITUDE.  SHE HAS $7K A MONTH FOR ASSISTED LIVING AND WON'T SPEND THE MONEY TO COME FOR LUNCH.  HER NIECE BROUGHT HER.  SHE HASN'T PROGRESSED.  SHE SAID IT'S ONLY BEEN SINCE JUNE.  IT SEEMS LIKE A YEAR ALREADY.  I GUESS BECAUSE OF MY CHANGES.  I'VE CHANGED.

 6 PM- TODAY WAS BOOK MOBILE DAY.  AS I WAS LEAVING I FINALLY REMEMBERED TO ASK PETE IF HE LOST A LIGHT GREEN LIGHTER LAST WEEK.  HE SAID YES AND I TOLD HIM IT WAS IN MY CAR AND I'D GIVE IT TO HIM AT LUNCH.  HE AGREED AND THEN APOLOGIZED TO CODY BECAUSE IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY AND HE FORGOT HIS DVDS.  SO I RETURNED HIS LIGHTER AND GAVE HIM MY SPARE LIGHTER FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.  HOW COOL IS THAT.

I'M GETTING MY BILLS READY.  HOW CAN I MAKE IT FUN?  I'M GETTING BORED WITH IT AND DON'T WANT TO SCREW IT UP TO MAKE IT EXCITING.  I KNOW HOW I AM.

I WENT TO ST J TO LOOK FOR THE RUBBER SALAD DRESSING COVER.  ZERO.  I FOUND A COMPACT CAN OPENER, NEW 9 X 12 CANVAS, LIGHTED MAGNIFYING HANDS FREE LENS.

I REARRANGED MY CHAIR AND FOUND THE SMALL NAIL CLIPPERS.  HOORAY!  I'M FEELING SUCCESSFUL.

MY FEET ARE HURTING AGAIN BUT IF I STRETCH MY BACK AND HIPS IT GOES AWAY. 

MY FEET DON'T HURT

I CAN'T REMEMBER HOW LONG IT'S BEEN.  I KEEP ON KEEPING ON.

4 AM-30 YEARS AGO.  AFTER I'D MOVED TO GILROY I FELT THIS BONE TIRED.  SOUL TIRED.  I FELT DISAPPOINTED WITH MY LIFE.  DEJA VU.

I WAS A WRECK THEN TOO.  I WAS ABSORBING AND ASSIMILATING HARD WON TRUTHS.  I WAS CONTINUALLY DISAPPOINTED AND I SURVIVED.  I AM AT LEAST 10X BETTER.

I USED AFFIRMATIONS THEN TO LEAVE THE OLD LIFE BEHIND AND I'M UP LEVELING AGAIN.  I WAS HEALTHIEST AND HAPPIEST AT RADIO AVE.  I MOVED TO VIA VICO, THE DOORWAY BACK TO HERE.  THEREFORE I CAN BE HEALTHIER AND HAPPIER.

I HAD NO ONE TO HELP ME THEN BUT GOD SAW TO MY NEEDS.  GOD HELPED ME THEN AND NOW.

THIS TIME I'M READY AND WILLING.  GOD MAKES ME ABLE.  CAIN AND ABEL. I CAN AND ABLE.  CONFLICT.

I'M BETTER EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH IT.

WAITING FOR EPIPHANY

I KEPT WAKING EVERY TWO HOURS RESETTING LISTENING TO LOUISE HAY.  I EXPECT I'M REDUCING RESISTANCE TO NEW AWARENESS.

LIKE A BABY.

BAD DREAM

FELL ASLEEP 10 WOKE FROM BURRITO I ATE 8.  T IS DRIVING BUICK LE SABRE LX ON FREEWAY PITCH DARK NIGHT ON INTERCHANGE SPINS OUT ACROSS LANES.  STOPS IN DARK.

I HOPE HE'S OK.

OF COURSE

WE'RE CONSTANTLY PROGRAMMED WITH CONFLICT.  TV, MOVIES, LIFE REINFORCES EXAMPLES OF SEPARATION.  WARS, SHOOTINGS, ATTACKS.

IT'S SO OBVIOUS.  HOW CAN WE LIVE IN PEACE WHEN ALL WE KNOW IS WAR; BY PLANTING SEEDS OF PEACE, NURTURING, GROWING HAPPINESS.

WE'RE HYPNOTIZED.  ALL OUR PROGRAMMING SETS OUR INDIVIDUAL AUTO PILOT TO FINDING DISCORD.

WE'RE WORKING PERFECTLY AS PROGRAMMED.  WE ONLY NEED TO CHANGE THE TARGET, THE DESTINATION, THE END RESULT.

IT'S NOT OUT THERE.  IT'S INSIDE EACH OF US ON AN INDIVIDUAL BASIS.  WE CAN DO IT.  WE ONLY NEED TO FIND, CREATE HAPPINESS FOR OURSELVES.  FAILURE, UNHAPPINESS IS TRYING TO MAKE OTHERS HAPPY.  99% OF THE TIME IS DOOMED TO FAILURE.  NOT A GOOD SUCCESS RATE.

MY HAPPINESS IS NOT OUT THERE.  IT'S INSIDE ME.  ONLY I KNOW WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY.  ONLY I FEEL MY HAPPINESS.  AND BEING HUMAN THAT SET POINT WILL ALWAYS CHANGE, LIFE IS CHANGE.

11:30 BACK FROM MY ROUTINE I ATTEMPTED TO REORGANIZE ADDITIONS TO FREEZER AND RESULTING AVALANCHE OF CASCADING FREEZER BURNED FOOD WAS SORTED AND TOSSED.

7.PM AWAKING FROM NAP I THOUGHT IT WAS WEEKNIGHT AND EXPECTED JEOPARDY.  LIKE A BABY I'M STARTING ANEW.

SOLITUDE

I AWOKE CONCERNED THAT RICH HAD 3 BIG HITS; HIS MOM DIED, YOUNGER BROTHER DIED, HIS DAD HAD STROKE.  AND HE HASN'T GOTTEN COUNSELING.  I WENT TWO YEARS KAISER UNTIL THEY KICKED ME OUT OF THE PROGRAM.

I SUPPOSE IT'S LIKE DAD DIED '99, MOM DIED YEAR AND HALF, MY SISTERS BETRAY THREATEN HARASS ME TO THIS DAY.  RICH IS YOUNGER, STRONGER AND THE STAR IN THE FAMILY.

WE BECAME ORPHANS.  NOW I KNOW WHY I ALWAYS ENVIED POLLYANNA.  ANNIE.  MAYBE WHY THEY'RE SO POPULAR.  I'M NOT ALONE.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS.

8:15 I FELL ASLEEP WATCHING ABOUT A BOY SERIES.  I AWOKE TO A DREAM OF STEPHEN ROOT DRESSED AS WHITE LINEN SHIRTED HIPPIE PLAYING GUITAR IN STREET PERFORMANCE AND THE SINGING IMPROVED AND WAS FROM DVD.

THE SUBJECT WAS WILL MOVING TO NY FOR DR SAM, LEAVING MARCUS AND FIONA IN SF.  THEY'RE ALWAYS USING PHONES TO COMMUNICATE.  ALONE WITH THE ILLUSION OF TOGETHER.  MITZI AND AILEEN STILL USE ME AS SOMETHING IN COMMON.  WHEN I WAS SICKLY AND WEAK MITZI CHOSE "HEALTHY" AILEEN.

NOW I UNDERSTAND PEOPLE CONSTANTLY ON THEIR DEVICES TRYING TO AVOID LONELINESS.  WELL, WE ARE SINGULAR.  WE ARE ALONE.

THE CONNECTION IS LIFE FORCE, GOD UNIVERSAL SPIRIT, ELECTRON ENERGY.

GOD IS THE HUB OF THE WHEEL OF LIFE.  WE ARE SPOKES ON THE WHEEL.  THE FARTHER AWAY FROM GOD THE MORE TURBULENT OUR LIVES.