my self

MOVING BACK TO TAKE CARE OF MOM DAD WAS TO FIGURE OUT MY SELF.

1989 MOM CALLED TO SAY THEY WANTED TO VISIT.  NEVER BEFORE.  I WAITED AND MADE TEA.  SHE AND DAD ARRIVED.  MOM DID THE TALKING WHICH WAS ALSO UNUSUAL.  SHE ALWAYS DEFERRED TO THE MAN.  SHE ASKED ME IF I'D DRIVE DAD TO DOCTOR'S FOR PROSTATE CANCER.  I SAID OF COURSE.

I KNEW THEY WERE TERRIFIED OF CANCER.  ALL FOUR OF MY GRANDPARENTS HAD IT.  DAD'S DAD WAS THE ONLY ONE TO KILL HIMSELF.  AS FAR AS I KNOW.

THEY'D HAVE TO GIVE ME ENOUGH NOTICE.  MY LAND LADY HAD JUST TOLD ME SHE WAS SELLING THE CONDO.  I HADN'T STARTED LOOKING FOR A NEW PLACE.  MOM SUGGESTED I MOVE BACK HOME.  I ACCEPTED KNOWING BEING SELF-EMPLOYED WOULD MAKE APT'S MORE DIFFICULT.

SO I WAS ONCE MORE IMMERSED IN THE QUICKSAND.  I WASN'T THINKING.  I'VE MADE MOST OF MY DECISIONS LIKE THAT WHERE FAMILY IS CONCERNED.  LIKE ACCEPTING MARRIAGE TO THE PERSON WHO HAD ALL THE WORST FAMILY QUALITIES.  AND I PROBABLY STILL REACT TO 'FAMILY' THAT WAY.

I DID MY SATURDAY AT MISSION.  JUSTIN IS MAGICAL BUT I DON'T KNOW IN A GOOD WAY OR FAMILY.  MY REPROGRAMMING IS MAKING MY EVERYDAY BETTER.  MY BACK NECK IS STEADY DESPITE THE CAR ACCIDENT.