i had no idea-end of month anxiety

i didn't know what exactly i wanted to do.  i watched exercise 6-7 ate rest of pasta jack fruit.  then ruminated.  i checked on blue and forgot at home.  i wonder what past event my body is remembering.  i considered 24 hour gym.  which one.  Arques, Sara, Fremont.   i'm feeling a little tired.  today last day $5 off bakery.  

8:30 i dressed and just moved.  i packed almond bear claws.  mixed amino water.  9:30 sunny library with loans.  i had no idea due dates.  favorite tree parking.  no computer reception today.  i picked up 1 bottle 1 shirt.  i went to front and time to go in.  i decided i didn't want to watch loans.  returned and found '#1 ladies' and 'mike & molly' for next week.

i sat my favorite table.  played games, sweeps, scratch.  checked city county loans.  ate my claws 1 pm.  good with amino water.  life is good.  i can pick up sandwiches home journey.  now what do i want.  

i controlled myself.

i didn't get carried away and insist on doing more.  i rested and relaxed and let myself heal.  the family always demanded more until i broke to prove to themselves they were superior.  that they could break me.   

i lost all my settings and regained them.  not as freaked out just shocked.  i'm surprised i didn't loose more.

jack fruit seems more likely is the tree of knowledge in the garden of Eden.  the uses are a dream.  termite proof wood, shade and food.  

lunch was ok.  i wrote out life insurance, card to firemen with $35 gift card, auntie and Catherine.

den fell in parking lot and it's taking 2 men to help him up and into his car.  i took care of dad all alone.  no wonder my back was wrecked.  den disrespected me and i know to give den a wide space.  Asian men.  men.

happiest blog has pink and green heaven.  6-12-2015.  and i'm still demolishing-constructing my life.  the mess in my life.

two years before Eric died.  he had stomach, lung, spinal cancer over years.  so much like my family.

i printed out the page.  when i started earnestly physically chose to plan imagine what it would feel like.  the physical follows the spiritual so the mess is the appearance of change.  what to keep and what falls away.  like a festering wound healing.  Aug 31,2012 daily word 'i love my life i have no regrets' i shared with dentist fairy whose nephew was killed on his bike.  she resurfaced my teeth for no reason weakening the integrity of my teeth.  she did it just for money.  started me thinking.

1:30 accident red car / gray car Monroe X Harrison streets.  weird day.  

i decided i wanted sushi and free antioxidant water went to college safe way.  found 2 lbs fresh blueberries $5 too.  yum dinner.  i misread garage sale actually garden sale plants.  home i watched 'love boat' and rested.  Catherine called she got into senior housing next week rotator cuff operation.  took me 10 minutes to add to my phone.  she's getting new computer next week.  

i cut more cactus

it's teaching me to be so careful.  and to pace myself or get stuck.  i think the jack fruit helped my digestion.  veg dinner is better to sleep on.  i filled half the bin.  i could use the other bin.  if i get ambitious.

yesterday seems an eternity away

i want out.  heaven is happiness.  i spent the morning looking for my other green pink gym bag not yet if at all.  i'm sorting what i want.  i'm feeling sad or tired or both.  i watched my exercise and moved along.  

i'm feeling overwhelmed.  maybe depressed.  i don't know.  i dreamed of Joel w.  i'm resolving my past.  i'm repulsed by most people.  or maybe their agendas.  he had a nasty agenda.

back of pelvis so sore. 

Inge insisted i sit at table.  i wanted to sit next table behind since hell and boyfriend taking best viewing seats.  Inge moved over and Hilda set another place for me.  i feel humbled.

i went college safe way for bread and iceberg.  very limited breads.  

home 3 for 'love boat' is the perfect time to rest my body.  gives me enough time to ramp down to rest.  

i finally cooked the jack fruit.  i followed the directions on the can.  i cooked Annie's mac broccoli and combined.  tastes great.  i boiled the fruit and it tasted ok as is.   

von dutch motorcycle 21 k.

hour shower

i dressed to trim cactus.  since i was ready after this morning sprinkle i went to arques=scott 24 hour fitness.  i have to take i.d.  i have one green pink bag the other has my locks.  i used an extra lock.  my left hip pins needles.

this is life as intended.  lily of the field.  i just need to find other lilies.  

i made tuna salad on bread with cucumber b'fast and i'm hungry again.  lunch quiet.  i puzzled while finishing charging chrome

lovely uneventful day.  i appreciate timelessness.  

home by 3 i had rest of tuna lettuce salad dinner.  chips.  

Laff laundry

dropped off extra food st j.  considered going straight to seniors decided to wash.  i am blessed.  

10:30 .4 mi seniors #1.  had lunch with art and inge.  gerda still laid up.  we make our choices.

i decided to come home after lunch.  i decided to forget slow computer games and sweeps.  i don't need the aggravation and didn't want to wait for seniors reopen.

thanking g j.  i left my room open, the window and drapes.  it clouded over again so it was still nice when i closed up.  i was more tired than i knew.  i'm so grateful.  i used the cart to bring in the laundry basket saving my back.  i hung the sheet and mattress cover in the garage.  i used the new rack for the huge spread.  it doesn't quite fit so i'll turn it until the cover and sheet dry and i can drape it over the other racks.   

i forgot i have the last of the veg and chicken for dinner.  i'm getting better pacing myself.

seniors

i considered 24, laundry i let go and here i am.  did my walk stretch feeling peaceful.  walked waited for man in mustang to drive into ask about center.  like i waited for him.

oh!!  i got a pillow and folding stool for wooden bench.  if i wanted i could get burger king.  i did.  yummy!!

never before.  i would have felt guilty.  of what i don't know.  maybe having a good time.  i was always punished severely for being happy.  and they always knew no matter my demeanor.

my right neck is suddenly stiff and cramped like an old injury.  they were always jumping out and hitting me.  terror for me was their funny joke.  

today is Christmas in July.