finally remembered food bank

and martin yan is supplying fresh lunch at st just.  what a day.  spirit is moving me in the prosperous direction. 

i just feel soooo tired.  nausea no appetite.  eating vita c candies to quell stomach.

i stayed in bed 8:30, ate some cereal watching '....she wrote' and dressed slowly, watched 'mom', classic concentration.  picked up lunch did my stretches.  doing life slowly today.

may 1st sat mom's b'day.  13th death day maybe another cause of ennui.  

all the games and sweeps have no attraction.

martin lunch so good fresh delicious.  even the broccoli perfection and tasty.  2 drums, broccoli beef on a bed of fried rice.  a lot of quality food.  i'm so thirsty.  

i sorted 3 bags 1 box of food.  took hours putting things away.  thank god i had a great lunch today.  i'll eat senior lunch for dinner if i get hungry.  

i'm watching genome documentary.  next greta thunberg.  sometimes tv listings stay intact other times without connection page view blank.  

i feel so out of body

i haven't felt this badly in a long time.  lying in bed for 8 years doesn't compare.  i had no one and nothing i needed to do.  

i didn't remember what i did with the new daily word booklet for the longest time.  i put it away.  safe.

i watched 'young rock' last night he doesn't look well.  his nose is bulbous, he's pale, he's pushing himself.  i'm pushing myself.

walked stretched

smelled the roses.  waited for computer connection.  sky is so blue smog blown away.

i feel sick.  my body aches.  my right side ribs tender from 2014 fall on front porch.  i'm drinking grapefruit to settle my nausea.  i haven't felt this bad in a long time.  

i'm doing what feels comfortable and safe.  observing seniors and the center staff like i did my own family unsafe to interact with.  watching my tv safe family.

i finally figured out my need to watch classic concentration.  mitt and i watched from when she was 3 and i was 8.  she stopped going to the baby sitter and i was in charge.  alien was never home.  weekends mom and dad took off and alien left us 2.  i had to vacuum straighten clean bathrooms.  so my first job i bought a singer vacuum for mom's x mas present to make my life easier.  they never figured it out.

i moved to mission.  noon parking lot closure.  just and bee.  not open 'til 3.  i remembered my cushion.  only one place to sit comfortably waiting for my games to load.  i can smell pizza and bbq cooking from local shops.  not even that smells appetizing.

maybe i skip st just food bank this month.  i think i skipped january.

i feel more energy after lunch.  internet too slow i came home 2 pm changed into 'jammies.  i'm ready for bed.  

feeling blue

tonight pink full moon.  closer to the earth than usual.  end of month blues.  haven't felt for awhile.  my shoulder blades sore from hand stretches watching pain free lee albert.  i'll look up libraries.  only online.  maybe that's what the gravity from the moon does, pulls out the pain.  makes lunatics.

tail bone hurting sitting seniors.  i feel like a wreck.  i spent 10 minutes looking through bags for my pen when it was in my shirt pocket.  i'm feeling so tired it hurts too.  am i depressed?  i've spent so much of my life numb i can't tell.  i numbed out to avoid the pain of childhood.  marriage to someone the combination of my family was excruciating.  more deeper numbness.  and the realization of what i've experienced is surfacing.  it's a miracle i'm still alive.  i'm re member ing.  i'm reconnecting with myself.  and i have so much pain locked in this body.  the humiliation, degradation, torture of my childhood.  i learned to numb out.  i kept my heart protected, my sanity intact behind a wall.  and i'm learning to live.  my life is buried in pain, humiliation, degradation, torture.  

brought q and pork

eating my lunch across the street seniors.  walked stretched.  supposed to rain, we'll see.  picked up paper and recycle.  also short black extension cord in road.

yesterday 9 am the same '...she wrote' as dvd on tv so i went big lots free cinnamon and dill and bought hemp mix.  lucky's  $1.83 clearance chop i used hemp and orange zest juice and ate remainder.  i love cooking micro.  mini cooking in microwave.  i could eat foccoccia bread every day all day.  i cooked quinoa for variety.  

my back not as good as i hoped.  so i rested.   

today as tired as i'm feeling i wanted out.  i'm drinking oxygen water, taking thinners, belatedly my supplements.  i went dollar tree 5 videos 3 chips.  walked stretched good will in case it rains found fly fish tie stand $4.59 i can use for making jewelry.  i wonder where it came from?  

i started watching 93rd oscars.  too long winded, talking to hear themselves but they don't listen or they wouldn't go on so long.  people of many nationalities but no native american.  

no connection-not feeling adult

i got home 1:30 exhausted after having to move my car so the gardener at main could sweep cuttings.  no computer at home either.  usually i can still blog but not yesterday.  tabs didn't hold.  

it's great.  i can change time and date to cover my blogging.  so i can think and assess.  i can unravel my thoughts and feelings.  

i stayed in bed 'til 8 after 5:30 bathroom break.  i ate cheerios mix with milk watching '...she wrote' and classic concentration.  

i briskly walked stretched park.  i've eaten my ok lunch and observed center employees have roped off best most convenient parking space for no reason other than seniors can't park there.  what goes around.  

no reception on to main.  i could have gone mission closed today but i want to check home stead bakery.  

i'm loving my ross' car organizer more and more.  

i walked over fruit and cookies to st just.  feeling ok.  tired and restless at the same time.

i almost couldn't get back in front door after the sisters have sabotaged the front door knob.  i went out and watered porch plants.  i just kept jiggling it.  i can always use garage to get into house if i have car key.  

now my right foot arch tingling.

i went to safe way 2 pair easter socks $2.70, fresh olive bread from oven.  afternoon bake overcooked not as pretty but just as tasty.  crumb is developed.  chewy.  real bread.  i wanted corn chowder panera email half off today.  i went by s cl told only online or phone app.  they don't want my money i came home opened can of progress o chicken corn chowder.  i didn't even heat it.  so  good.  i had jellied cranberry and bread dessert even though i bought a half off slice of unicorn cake.  clerk tried to tell me too sweet although she's never tried it.

i've been observing

i went to dollar no chips.  walked store taking my time feeling rich nothing i needed.  came straight to seniors to watch the life unfold.  one suv drove around sign up on side walk.  handicap parking.  little bev has been trying to get someone to remove barricades since they were all outside for their 'meeting'.  little hitler tells me it's so others won't use lot.  yeah right.  i just let them know lot closes noon.  

the different ways of doing life.