STILL SAD

I NAPPED TWO HOURS.  MAYBE JUST DEPRESSED.  I MAY BE DETOXING TOO QUICKLY.  I'M NOT SURE.  I FEEL SO ALONE PHYSICALLY.  I NEED SO MUCH DONE AROUND HERE AND FEEL SO TIRED.

I BOUGHT SEAFOOD SALAD FOR LUNCH AND I HAVE ROLLS, LETTUCE MIX.  I WENT G2, SFWY, NEW MICHAEL'S GRAND OPENING, MARIA SFWY OVERCHARGED ME $.49 AND THAT MADE ME SAD, LUCKY'S.  MAYBE I DID TOO MUCH.

I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR AND STILL FEEL TIRED.

I WANT THE WORLD TO BE HAPPY.  I WANTED ERIC TO BE HAPPY.  HE WAS MY COUNTERPART.  SO MANY SIMILARITIES IN OUR LIVES.

MAYBE I WANT TOO MUCH

I DREAMED A WALL EYED TRUCK DRIVER TAPPING ON MY DRIVER'S CAR WINDOW TO TELL ME ERIC HAD BEEN RUN OVER BY A TRUCK AND DIED.  I KNEW HIS DAD DIED RUN OVER NOT ERIC.

I'VE NEVER BEEN A CHILD

I'M LEARNING HOW.  I PRAY FOR THE KIDS TODAY.  SO MANY OF THEM DON'T HAVE REAL PARENTS.

AT LEAST I'VE HAD LOTS OF EXAMPLES OF NOT TO BE OR DO.  THEY HAVE NOTHING.  I THINK A LOT ARE DROPPED OFF, ABANDONED.  NO WONDER THERE ARE SO MANY ANGRY YOUNG MEN SHOOTING UP SCHOOLS, TERRORIZING THE WORLD THAT TERRIFIES THEM.  THEY'RE ADRIFT AND SCARED, CONFUSED.

MY GUILT OVER ERIC AND MOM AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS LEFT OVER FROM BEING A KID AND BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING LIKE I COULD CONTROL ANYTHING.  SOMETIMES NOT EVEN MYSELF.

AND I FORGIVE MYSELF.

DEALING WITH IT

I'M STILL MOURNING ERIC.  SUCH A TRAGIC LIFE AND DEATH.  I THOUGHT I WAS OK.  I VISITED HIM EVERY OTHER DAY HIS LAST WEEK.  I STILL EXPECTED HE'D PULL THROUGH AGAIN.  HE PASSED HALF HOUR BEFORE I GOT THERE.

SO I'M TAKING EXTRA SPECIAL CARE OF MYSELF.  INGA GAVE ME HER BBQ CHICKEN, CORN BREAD,  REAL CHILI BEANS, SALAD.  SHE HAD BURGER ON THE PATIO BBQ.  TYGJ AND INGA.

I THINK JUSTIN REMINDS ME OF A.T.  COOL,  BLACK, COMFORTABLE, GOOD LISTENER, COMPASSIONATE HEART.

I FEEL BETTER SEEING HIM.  I PICKED UP AND RETURNED CAMPBELL LIBRARY AND DECIDED TO DROP IN MISSION.  BEA SAID I COULD RETURN CHROME AND PICKUP FROM HERE.  THEY'RE CLOSED SUNDAYS AND HAVEN'T GOTTEN THEIR OWN YET SO I'LL PICK UP CENTRAL.  I DON'T HAVE TO GO MAIN LIBRARY TODAY.

JUSTIN

I THINK HE'S CONNECTED TO THE UNIVERSE.  HE LISTENS AND OFFERS FEEDBACK.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND MY CRUSH.  I'VE NEVER HAD A CRUSH ON ANYONE.

WHAT IS IT?

I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD A SINGLE UNCLE.  NO.  DUE DILIGENCE.

KARAOKE KIDS

I MET ERIC 1992 WHILE WAITING FOR TRAFFIC TO CLEAR.  I WAS WORKING IN PALO ALTO AND LOS ALTOS BAR AND GRILL HAD K KIDS.  I WAITED AN HOUR TERRIFIED I'D BE CALLED.  I WAS AFRAID OF THE MICROPHONE.  MY HOUR WAS UP AND I LEFT.  NEXT TIME I SAW THEM WAS SARATOGA ART WINE.  THEY WERE ONLY TAKING KIDS SIGN UPS.  I THOUGHT I HAD COMPLETED MY PART.  I WAS WILLING.

THE COURSE IN MIRACLES SAYS THAT'S ALL THAT'S NECESSARY.

ERIC WAS STARTING A NEW CLUB IN WILLOW GLEN A BLOCK FROM WHERE I WAS LIVING.  I DECIDED TO TRY THERE.  ALWAYS GOING THE EXTRA MILE.  I HAD A PANIC ATTACK AND PERSEVERED.  FROM THERE I FOLLOWED TO MOUNTAIN VIEW AND SAN JOSE.  HE BECAME MY CAR MECHANIC AND WAS A MAGICIAN.  BEING JAPANESE I UNDERSTOOD HIS LIFE AND HISTORY.  HE WITNESSED HIS FATHER BEING BRUTALLY KILLED BY A DRUNK IN 1998 THE WEEK AFTER ERIC BECAME ENGAGED.  HE WAS THE BROTHER I DIDN'T HAVE AND ALWAYS WANTED.

HE DIED LAST YEAR 10 DAYS AFTER HIS 61 BIRTHDAY.  I DREAMED OF HIM AND AWOKE SOBBING.  IT WAS CLEAR FROM THE DREAM HE DIED THE DAY HIS FATHER WAS KILLED.  IN THE DREAM HE DIED IN A TRAFFIC ACCIDENT WHILE ACTUALLY I VISITED HIM IN O'CONNOR 3 X THE WEEK BEFORE HE DIED.  I'M STILL MOURNING.

I'M SAD WE HAVEN'T HAD HAPPIER LIVES.

AND NOW I KNOW WHY I BOUGHT THE CAR 6-30.  ERIC DIED 6-13 AND LOUISE HAY 8-30.  AND I REVISITED AFFIRMATIONS.

SO FAST-SAT 9/22

SATURDAY I WENT TO G3 ARQUES EARLY AND THEN SRS, AND WALKED OVER TO MISSION RE-OPENING 10 AM.  ARRIVED 15 MIN. B4 AND ATE 7 CAKE BITES.

IT'S WONDERFUL.  BOOKS, DVDS, ALL NEW.  10-6 M,TU,FRI SAT.  11-8 WED&THU.

THE COMPUTERS ARE HIGH DEFINITION AND EVERYTHING IS IN THE SCREEN.  THE KIDS ARE SO NOISY.  SCREEN TIME IS 90 MINUTES AND I HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT THE NEW MEDIA PLAYER YET.  I STARTED WATCHING FANTASTIC BEASTS.  SO BEAUTIFUL.

1:20 pm-SO FRUSTRATING!!!  I TRIED GETTING IN AND IT SAID UNUSUAL ACTIVITY SO I GO OUT TO THE CAR FOR MY CLUES AND IT LETS ME IN WITHOUT IT.  I'M SURE BECAUSE I LOGGED IN FROM THE NEW COMPUTER AT MISSION ON SATURDAY.  I TRIED ON THE CHROME BUT THE SIGNAL TOO WEAK.  CAME BACK UPSTAIRS SRS AND VOILA.

I CAN GET 90 MINUTES HERE AND ANOTHER 90 MISSION AND 120 CENTRAL.  ALL DAY COVERAGE.

I GET SO ANGRY.  MY FEET HURT DUE TO FIXING NEUROPATHY.  THERE'S SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR NUMBNESS.

THE SOUTHERN CAL FIRES ARE IRRITATING MY EYES AND NOSE.

GOLDEN MOTORCYCLES

I BOUGHT A BOOK WEDNESDAY AT CAMPBELL BY JACK CANFIELD.  IT'S AN ALLEGORY OF HIS LIFE AND ADVERTISING FOR ALL THE NEW AGE GROUPS.  I'VE READ HALF OF IT.