Error on page-wouldn't let me write

 

Today is 8/16/13-Friday

I managed to write the heading but couldn't access the blog body on 8/6/13. 

So today it's still doing weird things.   Didn't want to capitalize or enlarge.  I don't know why it went bold but I like it.  It doesn't want to do more than one thing and I have to insist. 

I came in directly from the internet, no google search first. 

Feels rather good, knowing I'm findable.

I love coffee.  It's wonderful drinking the stuff again.  I missed it.  It used to give me heart palpitations.  Did for years.  I can drink decaf.  And tea for my caffeine.

Reincarnation-Success-Genie out of the Bottle

Always hated the idea of reincarnation as an inefficient way of God running the Universe.  How assanine to have to keep redoing the third grade.

In 1981 I was ready to get my divorce.  I retained a lawyer and found I couldn't physically fill out the paperwork.  I'd break out in a cold sweat and get so nauseated I was afraid I'd vomit on the forms.  I knew it was psychosomatic so I called Hayward Kaiser and booked an appointment with Dr Eidelshink.  He listened to my story of betrayal for the last 10 years and that we'd gone to counseling and the continuation of betrayal and disappointment.  Towards the end of the 50 minutes he said he'd like to try something.  He hypnotized me with a posthypnotic suggestion that I find the cause of my resistance to ending an obviously doomed relationship.  He recommended I practice relaxation(self-hypnosis) three times a day and like the model patient I did so.

I was overworked managing two stores for Goodwill of Greater East Bay.  A had gotten tickets to an Association for Research and Enlightenment seminar at the Oakland Airport Marriott Hotel, a command performance.  She enticed me with my not having to do anything.  She'd pick me up and pay for everything. On arriving she connected with some people and I was off the hook.  I met a woman my age.  Our husbands were almost twins.  They lied and cheated everyone.  She had to pretend they were living together and not married.  He played around like X.   She wanted to go to the class on reincarnation.

Not believing in reincarnation, I accompanied her.  The past life regression hypnotist admonished that rather than having a bad, negative or uncomfortable experience nothing would happen.  So when I fell asleep I didn't think twice about it because 1) it didn't exist and 2) I was exhausted from working 70+ hours a week.The next a.m., Sunday, I had an epiphany,  filled out the papers, went to work and kept my Monday morning appointment with Dr Eidelshink.  I asked his opinion about reincarnation.  Either it existed or I was a major loony.  He said it didn't matter what he thought, only if my life was manageable.  I relayed my success with filling out the papers and finally seeing the end of the hell my life had been.

He recommended we book next week's appointment just in case and if anything serious came up I could always rely on him.  If I didn't need the appointment I could cancel.  I was fine.

simply outrageous

Been mourning dad and the fact that his thick blood condition could have been helped by drinking more h2o. How simple would that have been, but then he wouldn't have spent $ on coumadin.  And had brain bleeding and aggravated his diabetes and high blood pressure.

How much of life is simply ridiculous??

Been watching all the episodes of One Foot in the Grave.  Richard Wilson points out the series is concerned with the other foot.  I find it funny that he complains all the time and gets punished for his attitude like dad and never learns, like dad again.

Makes me cry

I've been helping Sidney with his bad foot like dad had except Sidney has gout r/t diabetes.  So I know all about gout.  Gave him foot massager ($2.50 at Salvation Army).  He invited me to lunch I picked Fri.

My parents were never grateful or giving.  I had to struggle for everything from them.  After Sidney went upstairs to the computer room.  I started crying at the puzzle table.  I got up and went to the ladies.

There is No Excuse for their behavior.

I let go and let God.  I'm tired of crying.

Hate not Anger

I'm processing the hatred I've carried in my body from infancy.  Mom hated me.  That's why she treated me with such vengeance.  There's no excuse or explanation that takes the edge off the wound. 

I've been depressed the past two weeks.  I'm so used to feeling this way I didn't even notice.  After I cried yesterday( movie with autistic child, Mercury Rising ) I felt better and was able to function.  I've been locked, blocked.  That too, I didn't notice until it was gone. 

Spending my whole life in the prison of my body, freedom is strange.  That's what old age is.  An opportunity to get out of jail.  Pass Go and collect infinite cash.

Mom hated me so first she gave me to my grandma and then when aunty wanted to adopt me and everyone could see the hatred she gave me to A, five yrs older and taught to hate me too.  Explains the treatment I've received from sibs.  Taught to hate me, don't expect anything else.

Today I understand why the world was kinder to me and some people more loving and why I feel uncomfortable with nice people.

Fri-susandate7/12/13-blog won't let me in-daisy/dog

7*14*13 Sunday
Don't know why the blog locked up.  Could be the computer I was on at the Sr Ctr.  They are so messed up.

So today I'm at the library.  Had lunch at St Just.  God is good to me. 

7*14*13  Emotional pain is so much worse than physical.  Physical pain has limits, exhaustion and sleep.  Emotional pain hurts from the inside out and doesn't let up.  Staying with it, it slowly diminishes in microscopic amounts. 

Daisy is a good teacher of pain and limitations and survival.  She doesn't take her meds when she doesn't need them.  She's practically human in her ability to size people up and get the most out of them.

THAT DOG IS NOT TRYING TO KILL ME-DAISY AND BEA BUTI

DOG SITTING FOR JULIE TOMAS' NIECE, DAISY/DOG HAS HIP DISPLASIA.  SO I CARRY HER IN A TOWEL SLING OUT AND IN FROM    THE LAUNDRY ROOM TO THE BACKYARD FOR HER POTTY BREAKS.  SHE CAN MOVE WHEN SHE WANTS TO AND FOLLOWED ME INTO THE OFFICE AND BDRM BUT WOULDN'T TAKE HERSELF TO THE LAUNDRY ROOM AT BEDTIME.  SHE GETS OFF THE TOWEL SLING WHEN SHE WANTS TO BUT WON'T GET ON HERSELF SO I HAVE TO PICK HER UP AND PLACE HER.  BESIDES CARRYING HER.

AFTER TAKING CARE OF DAISY FOR AN ENTIRE DAY MY BACK, NECK AND SHOULDERS ARE SCREAMING.  MY LEGS PROBABLY HURT TOO BUT I CAN'T TELL.  MY NECK HURTS TOO MUCH.  MY FEET ARE JUST SORE.  AND TINGLY.

NU-STEPPED 400 ONLY INSTEAD OF THE USUAL 2-3K.  AND STRETCHED EVERY THING OUT FOR  HALF AN HOUR.  SO FEELING BETTER.  LIGHT HEADED.

I ALMOST TURNED AROUND AND DIDN'T COME TO SRS.  DRIVING UP BASCOM AVE., I FELT TIRED AND ON THE VERGE OF NAUSEATED.  MY BACK WAS SO SORE.  AND STEPPING ON THE BRAKE WAS PAINFUL.  I COULD FEEL MY BLOOD SUGAR FLUCTUATING.  IT WAS A STRAIGHT SHOT SO I MADE IT OK.  IF I'D HAD TO MAKE A LOT OF TURNS I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD THE ENERGY.  GOING BACK WILL BE BETTER.  IF I HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY I'LL STOP AT CAMPBELL LIBRARY AND RETURN TWO DVDS.

WELL, ENOUGH OF THAT .  GAVE SYDNEY THE VIBRATING SLIPPERS FROM SALVATION ARMY.  HE OFFERED TO PAY AND I TOLD HIM IT WAS A GIFT AND HE WAS OBLIGED TO USE THEM OR I'D FEEL HURT.  FELT SO GOOD.  TEE HEE.

REMINDED ME OF BEA BUTI.  I'LL HAVE TO GOOGLE HER.  I BOUGHT AN $80 PAIR OF AMETHYST EARRINGS FROM THE GEMINI'S NORA AND JULIE AT THEIR BOOKSTORE IN 1985 AND KNEW I WOULDN'T WEAR THEM.  BEA MARI-ELed ME AND WOULDN'T TAKE ANY $.  SHE WAS RESCUING DOGS AND WORKING PART TIME TO SUPPORT THEM.  SO THE ONE TIME I WORE THEM WAS AT LUNCH WITH HER AND SHE SAID "OH, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BOUGHT THEM."  I SAID "YOU RECOGNIZE THESE EARRINGS?"  AND SHE SAID, "YES, I'D GO INTO THEIR STORE AND ADMIRE THEM."  SO I TOOK THEM OFF AND GAVE THEM TO HER SINCE I'D NEVER WEAR THEM AGAIN AND OBVIOUSLY GOD WANTED HER TO HAVE THEM.

I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH $ BUT I HAD MORE THAN HER AND SHE DESERVED HER HEART'S DESIRE.

SOMETIMES WE HAVE A HARD TIME ACCEPTING OUR JUST REWARDS.