I'm processing the hatred I've carried in my body from infancy. Mom hated me. That's why she treated me with such vengeance. There's no excuse or explanation that takes the edge off the wound.
I've been depressed the past two weeks. I'm so used to feeling this way I didn't even notice. After I cried yesterday( movie with autistic child, Mercury Rising ) I felt better and was able to function. I've been locked, blocked. That too, I didn't notice until it was gone.
Spending my whole life in the prison of my body, freedom is strange. That's what old age is. An opportunity to get out of jail. Pass Go and collect infinite cash.
Mom hated me so first she gave me to my grandma and then when aunty wanted to adopt me and everyone could see the hatred she gave me to A, five yrs older and taught to hate me too. Explains the treatment I've received from sibs. Taught to hate me, don't expect anything else.
Today I understand why the world was kinder to me and some people more loving and why I feel uncomfortable with nice people.