up to rebellious teen today-8:16 remembered A's b-day

wounded child time travel.  i suddenly remembered without pain, anxiety or dread.  i don't feel doomed.  OMG i'm healed!!  A MIRACLE!!  i'm celebrating with fish sticks for b-fast.  

i'm giving myself 45 minutes to dress.  i decided st j and central.  

i think i figured it out.  do a little then rest the same amount of time.  i honestly don't know how to work and live without exhausting myself.  making myself sick.  family heritage.  

picked up st j, cooked and ate pepperoni bread pizza.  feet immediately swelled in my shoes.  oh,well.  soaking asparagus.  put everything away.  basking in the goodness.  central had sale i bought 12 movies/ $9.  i'm spending money.  

my childhood wounds.

not having love every disappointment feels like spiritual death.  the idea of zombies.  bodies without a soul.  terribly wounded people infecting others with their disappointment and pain.  turning others into zombies.  soulless bodies wandering the earth.

i'm forcing myself to sleep.  i'm purposely resting.  taking care of my toddler self.  consciously fulfilling my needs.  i know i'm right by the knot in my stomach.  from discomfort to growth.  i was born and raised to care for my dying parents.  reading prince harry's 'spare' i was a spare tire kept in the trunk in case of emergency.  i wasn't allowed feelings.  i wasn't loved or supported.  i had to rely on myself.  i wasn't a human being to them.  to them i was a zombie body without human needs.  explains the abuse, humiliation, lack of support, entitlement.  

checked dollar tree and sprouts seniors good.  glad to have toki back.  without her i don't want to go.  puzzled upstairs 'til walter came by with minnie chicken acquired 2 chicks.  lamenting not having them before he wouldn't have been able to care for them as well.  i went back to sprouts for new chips and bakery special $1.99 pumpkin pie.  dollar tree $21 most i ever spent.  8 vienna sausages, 2 egg rolls, 4 fish sticks, pizza, butter pecan, relax candy, poster clay.  eating like a queen.  

bookmobile today!

i love having it come to me at seniors.  easy to know what i'm feeling in the quiet.   

8 am time for seniors.  first homestead for everything bread.  sprouts another rye everything bread and clearance chips.  woo hoo!  swim after bookmobile so relaxing i could sleep some more.      lunch taco al pastor ok, glad i have corned beef and mash at home.  quarter cup pork on raw corn tortilla, dry refried and green beans.  mandarin orange and fatima's panettone dessert.  amazing institution food.  little gloria and alex.  noon what to do.  puzzle and rest.                       home 2 pm started to read 'spare' fell asleep.  still detoxing a lifetime of nicotine.  i don't know what i want i know what i don't want. 

opportunity

my energy is normal.  relief.  i loaded free safeway donut.  checked homestead walked store tried 1 oz rosemary turkey stick blah.  over to college bought old fashioned so 2.  yay! me!  seniors 9 am.

my horoscope says play.  behind the times.  i ate banana snack about to go in.  ate one and a half donut.  i showered, stretched, worked out playing on puzzle table.  lunch good soup bland chicken, cauliflower, peas carrots, pineapple bits again.  toki reminded me she's going to a funeral tomorrow back fry.  alex and diane.  little gloria visiting other tables.  after lunch upstairs to puzzle and digest.  finished charging chrome 1:30.  

home trimmed sliced brussel sprouts to cook with corned beef.  made instant mash.  so good.  microwave liner saved tray from boiled over milk water.  added smart balance from lunches, yummy.  5 pm decided i wanted apricots cobbler.  found the last can.  preheated toaster oven 350.   made pancake batter, drained and heated apricots.  sprayed pyrex, added batter, carefully spooned in hot halves, baked for 45 minutes.  sprinkled stevia erythol grains blend.  delicious.  ate 2 pieces.  i can make pineapples and peaches too.

seniors 7:30 am

doing what i want.  swam hour and half playing water park.  diane early too.  i like letting jets in tub exercise me.  i remembered to share bunion info on foot massage.  went upstairs to puzzle slowly and surely.  i'm pacing myself.  lunch good gloria showed up i remembered to share info about mouth guard from big 5 sporting goods re teeth grinding.  toki, alex, little gloria sat elsewhere.  quite the social butterfly.  ron came early for a change.  after lunch i puzzled digesting the experience.  college safeway had eggs, drinks, cheese.  added up fast.

home sweet home put things away.  mom and dad hated home.  because of us?  using stockpiled canned goods.  cooked quick pasta, asparagus with chicken aka king.  restful peace.

life with mirrors

peace and quiet.  without them we need people.  the people in our lives are mirrors.  we choose our reflections.  i am blessed with respectful caring reflections.  that's all we need to thrive.

i'm so glad i sent cathy and aunt tomie daily word books.  we share the same perspective with hundreds of thousands maybe millions of others.  we are changing the planet, the people, our history for the better by changing our focus to a brighter world.  

went carlos check engine light reset.  he agreed bad gas brings it on.  suggested chevron shell.  9 i took care of books renewed @ mission branch library, filled water bottles.  seniors i waited for space to open.  lunch good gloria, toki, little gloria, alex.  ron came very late sat at late table with salome.  1:30 home i enjoyed.  

9:20 bed.  i just realized mom and dad hated staying home.  resented home.

success

yesterday i accomplished checking big lots, no st just pantry, returned and picked up movies at central and county.  cooked asparagus and carrot added to pea soup, toasting garlic bread, taking good care of myself.  i guess i'm the best at taking care of me.  my hips and legs are extremely sore.  i made a point of walking carefully watching my posture and alignment.  bad exercise is worse than no exercise.  

got cabbage from car trunk.  chopped with canned corned beef.  just what i wanted.  mom's hawaiian corned beef and cabbage.  i feel differently.  i can't describe it.  eating chocolate, almonds, playing all day.  

charged phone found v mail cathy reminded me happy Easter.  returned call she's standing outside waiting restaurant 3 pm dinner with friends.  i'm so glad, she's so brave.  generous loving.  she likes company i like a few people.  i can manage senior lunch, dinner would be too long.