a happy childhood

or tomorrow being Easter a hoppy childhood.  never too late unless you're dead.  even then  who knows? 

  i spent most of my life afraid of doing the wrong thing, cowed and intimidated, holding my breath with fear.  that's behind me.  occasional flashbacks, the body uncovering a forgotten bit of memory stored chemically in the tissues waiting to be released into the bloodstream.  the suicides in good times not understanding 'and this too shall pass'.  i just again watched 'the bookshop' released 2017 october after eric died june.  no wonder i'd forgotten most of it.  i was in shock.  i'm still missing him he's still dead.                                                          watching 'easy to wed' 1946 van johnson, lucille ball, esther williams, keenan wynn, cecil kellaway, ben blue, june lockhart etc.      

           

sarah starr happy yoga bloom

another discovery on a tv station i don't get over air.  i want to go to lucky's for freebie cheeseballs, i haven't the oomph.

8:30 am found the energy.  lure of 97 cent asparagus as good raw as steamed.  and $1.99 lb strawberries almost as fresh as $1.48 lb safeway.  so delicious.  waited 15 min for big lots to open still no seasoning passed on colgate teeth strips  10:30 home after paying costco citibank and checking bills.  i've eaten half 14.5 oz of cheeseballs.  

5:40 i've never eaten to my heart's content before.  so satisfied.  i didn't soak it long enough still sandy.  

pele's wish 2005

feeling a dearth of love i looked for sondra ray 'i deserve love' my first self help book.  looking online i have a plethora of adventures to peruse.  she's been to india, italy, hawaii pele's wishes.  

i forgot it's thursday bookmobile.  cody brought combo i returned all.  saved me a trip to central.  

i forgot Easter.  senior, city closed tomorrow sunny, county open.  free day tomorrow.  laundry, st just?  sleep?  at this moment i'm panfree and loving it.  

diane and little gloria chose to sit elsewhere for lunch.  just means their heaven is different.  alex, toki, me.  next table empty 'til noon latecomers.  salome came noon disruptive and complaining.  

done and done

stayed played on puzzle table.  only veg leftovers 12:30.   my upper back screaming.  i stayed and played stretched.  home 3 to watch and put away free safeway chips and clearance bread.  i'm feeling so tired.  i'm going to continue detoxing power through the exhaustion.  i loaded car with chrome and wash.  i'm ready.  when i get the urge it will be easy.  

lovely

10:30 swam hour i'm feeling tired and relaxed.

Yesterday i was terribly blue.  i'm mourning my lost childhood and all the other children.  i have to forgive sisters and parents.  we were all cheated.  i considered cancelling lunch but i had to drop off bart$.  tax clipped to mail box i felt i was doing something good i did my taxes last month.  freshly inspired i detoured to chase bank and the deposit mission cu.  banking done.  

i'm digesting 'lovelace'.  like 'all passion spent'  scratched and skipping.  food for thought.  ex marriage sick.  he insisted we see it in the pink poodle san jose dump.  i seemed to be the only woman in the sleazy sticky dump.  the men wore rain coats.  shudder.  i didn't find it at all humorous.  more humor less.  dumb and demeaning all around.  1972 the year we married.  then 1979 we drove way north for 'caligula' another depraved demeaning dehumanizing film.  we met his coworkers.  sick.  no wonder the world is sick and polluted.

sleeping to 'puss in boots: last wish'

i finally have bedtime fairy tales.  watching tv families made me sad.  i can make it for myself.  

11 am feeling terrified.  my free floating anxiety.  suicide cause.  i can understand robin williams, naomi judd.  it's feeling for an insensitive world that is hell bent on turning paradise to hell.  there will be no earth to inherit.  i take deep breaths wait for it to evolve.  i don't know if it makes me weaker or stronger.  

i have 3 chrome playing healing surround.

getting enough rest

the earlier in bed, the longer i can sleep.  i'm more relaxed and rested.  entropy in action, an object at rest.  used to be the opposite i'd be rested and raring to go go go.

i'm having flashbacks of 8 years bedridden.  lying in all the family induced fear.  a lifetime of pain and torture.  and all my relationships were recreations of my horrible family.  i'm not feeling happy, my stomach upset.  

remembered to write out life insurance by 10 am in time.  cleaning here and there.  i'm enjoying the house.  cooked frozen veg defrosted cooked chicken.  i've decided to eat what i want without reservation.  everything in my life has been calculated against a measure of doing what's right or convenient not what I want.  no wonder so few of us are healthy.  we don't have experience with what's good for us.  

i read the internet arguments about kid's b'day parties i can't relate when i never had one.  my sisters did.  growing up this way it was just normal.  it hurts me now i realize how i was disrespected, unloved.

6 pm watching '8 billion angels'  yeah ,yeah, yeah parasite man is killing the planet.