CHOOSE*#&@$

HAPPINESS OR THE APPEARANCE OF HAPPINESS.  IT'S A SURVIVAL ISSUE.  THE APPEARANCE OF HAPPY AND STRONG PRECLUDES ARBITRARY ATTACK.

PEOPLE IN SURVIVAL FOCUS ON APPEARANCE WITHOUT ANY ATTENTION TO HAPPINESS.  HAPPINESS REQUIRES A BALANCE OF APPEARANCE AND BEING.

BEING REQUIRES CONSTANT GROWTH AND EXPANSION:  EXERCISE AND SELF IMPROVEMENT.  MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH.

PEOPLE ARE OBESE BECAUSE THEY CONTINUE TO EXPAND BY EATING NOT BEING.

EATING IS ACCEPTABLE.

SELF IMPROVEMENT IS BORDERLINE ACCEPTABLE.  IT'S MOSTLY IGNORED OR TOLERATED AS AN HARMLESS ABERRATION.  PEOPLE WATCH OPRAH AS ENTERTAINMENT.  TALKING HEADS ARE ENTERTAINMENT NOT INSTRUCTIONAL.

MY RESISTANCE TO APPEARANCE.  I HATE VALUING PEOPLE BASED ON ONLY APPEARANCE.

MY JOB NOW:  I'M SITTING RECHARGING MY CHROME AND READING.  I DON'T NEED TO PUZZLE.  BAD FOR MY NECK AND WHO KNOWS WHAT IS ON THE FILTHY TABLE.  I WATCHED LITTLE BIRD WITH A DROP OF SNOT ON THE END OF HER NOSE HOVERING OVER THE PUZZLE EITHER NOT FEELING IT OR IGNORING IT.  I WATCHED FOR OVER TWO MINUTES THE SECONDS SLOWLY TICKING. YUCK.

RIGHT ON SCHEDULE

SONG KEPT PLAYING IN MY HEAD "I ONLY WANNA BE WITH YOU."  WHO?

SUMMER IS HERE.  I HUNG OUT AT SENIORS IN THE AIR CONDITIONING.  LOVELY.  I WENT TO THE CAR AND QUIETED MYSELF AND REMEMBERED I WANTED APPLES AND SMOKES.  I PLANNED ON GOING TAJ AND FLORA VISTA THEN REMEMBERED I COULD GO TO TARGET PLAZA.  I REMEMBERED LOTTO AT TAJ.  SO EXCELLENT.  AS AILEEN SAID IT TAKES SO LITTLE TO MAKE ME HAPPY.

I'VE NEVER TAKEN THE LUXURY TO REFLECT ON WHAT I'M DOING AND WHAT I WANT TO DO.  I DON'T KNOW MAYBE PEOPLE THINK IT'S A WASTE OF TIME OR SILLY.  I CAN APPRECIATE SILLY.

I HAVE A PLAN

TODAY I GO TO RECYCLE AND TOMORROW LAUNDRY.  I'LL HAVE MORE MONEY AND ROOM IN THE TRUNK.

I'M LOVING WAKING AT 4.  I HAVE ALL THIS TIME TO RELAX AND REFLECT.

IT WENT PERFECTLY.  AT COSTCO THE TANKER WAS REFILLING AND IT ONLY TOOK 20 MINUTES AT RECYCLE.  ONE PERSON AHEAD OF ME AND UNLOADING AND DRAGGING THE BARRELS. 

ok ok

SO I THOUGHT I'D DO  LOAD OF LAUNDRY DROVE TO LAFFAYETTE AND DECIDED NO, DON'T WANNA.  DROVE TO SENIORS DIDN'T FEEL LIKE EXERCISING.  HAD LUNCH GOT INTO CAR TO LEAVE AND DECIDED NO, DON'T WANNA SO I EXERCISED.  THEN I REMEMBERED I DIDN'T DO BANKING SATURDAY SO I WENT.  BACK TO MISSION CU AND SENIORS TO FINISH.  I MOURNED BY PUZZLING AND PLAYING POP POP RUSH TO EASE THE PAIN.

AND HERE I AM.

ERIC WOULD HAVE BEEN 63 TODAY.

II EXERCISED AND TALKED TO TOKI ON THE NU-STEP.  IT HELPED.  I REMEMBERED I HADN'T DONE MY BANKING YET AGAIN.  I'M SO RELAXED I'M NOT OBSESSING AND CALM.

FEELS WEIRD.  I WENT TO BANK AND CU AND BACK TO SENIORS EASY-PEASY.  HUH.  LIFE SURE FEELS DIFFERENT.

MY ENTIRE LIFE WAS OBSESSING THE WORST POSSIBLE SCENARIOS RUNNING IN MY HEAD.  CONSTANTLY VIGILANT WATCHING TO AVOID DISASTER.  PROTECTING MYSELF FROM ATTACK. 

OLD AGE AND SICKNESS

WHEN I TOLD INGE AND GERDA ABOUT MARILYN INSTRUCTING ART TO WITHHOLD THE NEWSPAPER FROM ME INGE GASPED BUT GERDA DIDN'T BAT AN EYE.  I THOUGHT IT STRANGE UNTIL I NOW REALIZE SHE WAS GIVEN THE SAME INSTRUCTIONS WITH MONOPOLY.  MARILYN ONLY GIVES HER "TRASH".  AND MARILYN DOESN'T GIVE FREELY MARILYN RANSOMS WITH STRINGS CONDITIONS ATTACHED.  THERE'S A PRICE TO HER LARGESS.  BECOMING COMPLICIT.

THAT ATTITUDE IF ABSORBED BY THE HEARER CREATES NEGATIVE CHEMICALS IN THE HEARER.  INGE BOUNCES THE NEGATIVITY OFF WHILE GERDA IS AFFECTED.  MAYBE SINCE GERDA NOW KNOWS I DON'T CARE SHE CAN LET IT GO.

MARILYN AND HELEN CONTINUE BALLOONING AND ARE TAKING GERDA WITH THEM.  AND NOW I KNOW WHY IT UPSETS THEM WHEN OTHERS WON'T JOIN THEM IN THEIR CONSTANT CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS.  TWO ASS' IN ASSASSINATION.

I'M EXCITED DISCOVERING ANOTHER PIECE OF THE HUMAN CONDITION PUZZLE.

I'M OFF TO EXERCISE.  POSITIVE THOUGHTS CREATE HEALTHY CHEMICALS MAKING ME WANT TO DANCE.  TODAY BEING SUNDAY I CAN GO TO 24 HOUR ANYTIME.

SENIORS IS MY JOB FOR NOW.  I ALWAYS WANTED A NORMAL JOB.  I FEEL LIKE I'M LEARNING IN A SCHOOL OF MY CHOICE.  INDEPENDENT STUDIES ON A  SCHOLARSHIP.

DOING WHAT THEY KNOW

I'M WILLING TO LEARN NEW BEHAVIORS.  I'M KEEPING MYSELF NUMBER ONE.  I'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE.  I LEARNED MY SURVIVAL DEPENDED ON DOING FOR OTHERS.  TO LIVE I LOOKED TO MAKE MYSELF USEFUL TO OTHERS SO THEY'D ALLOW ME TO LIVE.

I'M LEARNING TO LIVE FOR MYSELF.

PEOPLE AREN'T GOOD OR BAD ONLY DOING WHAT THEY KNOW AND MOST ARE UNWILLING TO LEARN ANYTHING NEW.  IT DOESN'T MAKE THEM BAD JUST HUMAN CHILDREN.  THEY NEVER MATURE OR NEED TO.

I WANT TO ALWAYS BE WILLING TO LEARN NEW THINGS.  I WANT TO GROW UP NOT OUT.

DUENA

SABOR A MI-  TOM CALLED HER DUENA PRINCESSA.  DEANA DUENA FORSYTHE.  I DON'T KNOW.  I HAVE TO PONDER.

THE NEW MOON IS ALMOST UPON US.  MY ANXIETY IS LOOMING.  I FELT SO GOOD YESTERDAY. 

I WORE MY STRAPLESS RUFFLED GREY DRESS AND FELT QUITE COMFORTABLE.  I KEPT MY SHIRT ON.  I PARTICIPATED IN STEPHANIE (THE POOL INSTRUCTOR) 'S GOING AWAY TO IDAHO PARTY ON THE PATIO AT SENIORS.  I WENT TO ST JUSTIN FOUND CALLIGRAPHY SET AND SEWING KIT.  I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO.  MAYBE LAUNDRY.  MAYBE NOT.  ERIC'S DEATH-IVERSAY IS THE 13TH.  I HAVE MY CHECK UP THEN.  I'M CONFUSED.

I'M OK.