Saturday, May 31, 2025

sitting at seniors-new behaviors for a new life

I learn so much from watching people.  the quest to be first in line.  I prefer no line.  

I was watching New Tricks and the segment on hypnosis reminded me.  the most productive gift I ever gave myself.  Palo Alto School of Hypnotherapy.  Josie Hadley as many others punish themselves.  it's what they know after a childhood of abuse.  she didn't unlearn, instead trying to conquer the past.  fighting never suffices.  fighting continues an opposing energy.  simple Newtonian physics.  Acceptance and Forgiveness for all concerned is the only lasting solution. 

I puzzled, pondered, entered my contests.  I decided no pool.  I showered and went to college Safeway for Saturday freebie.  I must have been depressed last week.  I'm living for myself.  family would harass and harangue me as selfish.

reading People magazine I know why King Charles refuses Harry and Meghan security protection; he's sacrificing them as Princess Diana's replacements.  Charles is being vindictive.  

Friday, May 30, 2025

I picked up free Ardor 12 oz energy drink and Pringles-paid Citibank-Sunny lunch 9:30 Armando

I don't know what I'm doing following Spirit but then I never have known what I'm doing.  and I've always listened and danced.  huh, I never thought of it before I've always danced to the beat of a different drummer.

I showered, parking 8 am #2 space at 24 hour wi-fi.  after Lucky's free drink, sale Pringles, almond croissants I drove to Citibank paid statement and ATM couldn't print receipt.  I tried 6 times.  

I never know what I want to do until I get there and do it now.  I used to have to report my plans to the family in case I was needed.  Toke grills me sometimes.  

today lunch isn't full.  maybe 55 people lots of empty places.  food so much better here I canceled Monday's pick up bag lunch for Sunny hot.  

Thursday, May 29, 2025

feeling anxious over tomorrow

today program of hazardous waste disposal.  important to living and breathing.  and the rude people who don't care talking so no one can hear.  so disrespectful.  I can understand wanting Chinese people to go back to where they emigrated from.  they come here to be rude.  I don't like it.  

Wednesday, May 28, 2025

and I'm OK

I sat in the car writing bills.  I arrived seniors 6:40 am and people waiting at doors.  

I expect the worst.  I need to make it wurst.  I've been trained to prepare for disaster.  I was the first responder in my family.  

I thought today was Thursday.  once I calmed myself in the tub I realized I'm a day ahead.

Tuesday, May 27, 2025

new record 7 minutes to seniors

I woke with an empty space in the pit of my stomach.  I don't know if it's new or more likely freshly discovered.  discovered uncovered.  I think I've had it a long time.  not always.  I pondered taking my purple pillow try w/o it.  

stomach vacuum is a real thing.  I googled it.  it's similar to the Richard Hittleman Lion exercise.  3 weeks to results.  

lunch OK.  Fred and Toke got the alternate meal.  I waited 20 minutes for cucumber salad.  Hilde like mom loves playing food games.  

home 12:30.  

Monday, May 26, 2025

Maria safeway

I surrender to due diligence.  didn't find anything I wanted so onto gym 2 Safeway nothing.  Cup still nothing.  after driving and walking 9:30 on to Walmart via Sunny.  I drove Fair Oaks to Tasman Grocery Outlet.  I used to shop on a regular basis.  after Eric died I lost all interest in everything.  it's like I died.

I figured out why Mission Walmart is a stretch.  I don't like driving the expressway, through town is more comfortable less boring.  I bought my Co Q and A reds.  home 10:30.

I feel weird.  

Sunday, May 25, 2025

leisurely library-forgot free soda

I'm learning how to live relaxed.  scary.  I'm afraid of losing my edge.  I slept 12 hours reminding me of the 8 years bed ridden.  The library is my heavenly haven.  I didn't bring eyeglasses so no puzzling.  

life's difficult without prior experience.  I've never had a confidante only saboteurs.  I have to learn this like everything else in my life alone.  

best memorial weekend 70-71 degree.  stores open tomorrow.  I will continue relaxing.  

home 4:22.  I used home Safeway internet.  I bought cheeses, olive bread, clearance drinks no freebie, no almonds flavors I wanted, salad mix.  I'm feeling rich.  I may check the superstore tomorrow.  

Saturday, May 24, 2025

I walked nob hill 7 :30-returned hot spot

too early for seniors.  I bought star kist chicken 2/$3 and Mac cheese.  I soaked seniors then St Just closed I drove to Cup and visualized shady parking.  success.  

I'm pondering what I want for lunch.  I'm excited for the Monday holiday.  I am unlimited.

Sunny library Hula dancers 11 am.  Twice.  Hmm..  my taste in clothing styles comfort = the hula costumes.  big school.  lots of kids lots of costume styles.  I returned hot spot.  

Sunny Dollar Tree I bought nugget and fries, glucosamine, tuna salad, mouthwash.  

home 1 pm I toasted Toke corn pudding bread and nuked nuggets fries.  2:30 nap attack I woke 4:45 from a lovely deep restorative sleep.  just in time for Idiot Test.  

Friday, May 23, 2025

I can be done

2 freebies at G Lucky's garlic I can't believe it's not butter and 16.9 oz recover drink.  I got watermelon this time.  I got ads for Toke and me.

I'm freshly showered.  I have my raw almonds snack.  I'm pondering what I want to do.  a mighty power is desire.  what I want.  

today's final health fair for this year.  so many goodies.  best water bottle ever, mirror, clip on refillable sanitizer.  lunch wonderful hula dancers I did the hukilau.  I answered the largest island question for a bag of treats.  Toki didn't want any gave us mini apple pie, Fred took a biscotti.  

I automatically tuned to Happy's Place-Reba McEntire.  

Thursday, May 22, 2025

feeling surprisingly well

I slept 11:30 pm watching "New Tricks" I missed 2003 first year due to my exploratory surgery.  I didn't have cancer Kaiser removed a 32 year old cyst encapsulated Ex bacteria that poisoned me.  part of my bed ridden experience.  and twice in emergency from dehydration.  3 hour IV and catheter.  

I figured out what upsets me with Walter he's like dad not taking his attitude seriously.  I'm serious about having fun.  too much of life has been a disaster.  dis aster=separated from the stars.  refusing heaven.  I plan for success.  he's afraid of failing and won't even try.  as long as you keep trying success is guaranteed.  you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Wednesday, May 21, 2025

I'm #1

Walter is full of excuses.  during lunch he regaled Gloria with the horrors of his dad's death while her dad is in hospital again.  lunch is her respite from care taking.  I explained to him again if he cares for his friends he must use discretion.  he wants to remain a selfish child with no regard for others living a directionless life.  he has excuses and misdirection.  I give up.  

he prides himself on being smart and acts stupid as cuteness.  he doesn't want happiness he needs to be content.  

Tuesday, May 20, 2025

Monday, May 19, 2025

Faith

 I explained to Walter the importance of spending time around conducive people.  our bodies evolved to live in groups.  we need proximity to remain healthy and sane.  chickens are no substitute.  he's not a chicken.  reminds me of Jonathon Livingston Seagull

Sunday, May 18, 2025

Lisa's treat-Sylvia lunch buddy-BBQ Sat 31 at 6:30

half hour early I went to homes Safeway for free drink wouldn't load I asked to speak to manager who over rode computer $2.59 and I bought BBQ and classic chips.  

St Justin senior lunch and bingo.  Jane, Ron, Ed, Victor from senior center.  I felt at home.  Costco Alfredo chicken, roll and butter, Cesar salad.  I forgot about left overs for dinner.  I won $4.  2 two dollar pots.  I feel my hard work is paying off.  everyone deserves such happiness.  

I did it.  I used my purple seat pillow.

1993 Cheers end

I'd quit working at the church, Mit got $50 for my choosing to work for her marketing company and mom swallowed dad's sleeping pills.  i didn't know he had any.  I completely missed the end of Cheers.  TV was my life model.  the only example of loving caring relationships.  

even though Kaiser sent mom to Valley Med then to a hospital on Alameda de Las Pulgas family denied the entire event.  4 against me just like always.  saying mom 'accidentally' swallowed an entire bottle of pills.  it was a 'mistake'.

my life with them was a series of fires I was constantly putting out.  and now due to inattention or denial the entire planet is burning up.  

ironic.  and now to decide on lunch.  I have an unopened box of Ensure.  and a banana.  

Saturday, May 17, 2025

observing at the library-Charity and Sandy lunch

I'm still processing.  I haven't been this healthy since maybe EVER.  my body feels wrecked but emotionally I'm better.  

my allergies are terrible.  I was good at seniors, Valley Village Jumble, St Just and suddenly at central could be book dust from sale.  

I decided to use Sunny coupon expires Monday.  2:30 pm found $2 Herriot book, 3 DVDs.  tomorrow St Just lunch 1:30.  Sprouts pumpkin and cherry pies.  home perfect timing Idiot Test.

Friday, May 16, 2025

free Peace tea

Mauna Loa clearance at Lucky's and $3 cornbread under cooked.  I can cook that.  I went to Santa Clara Costco gas saved $2.50 and rewarded myself eating treat in car.  8:30 space #1 opened I moved my car.  I used hair quinoa mask all over face so smooth in shower.  

today's health fair handicapped parking half parking gone.  Fred came 10 smart.  lunch was pretend mash potatoes and pretend meat loaf.  Toki was happy all the oranges.  Trudy and Kenny, Fred last.  no Walter last.  walked 20 minutes all tables then talked with Walter.  home 12:59.  Idiot test.  

Thursday, May 15, 2025

at last-Kelly Howell Exalted music

better late than never.  I feel differently.  better or worse I don't know.

Thomas lunch buddy gave me a puzzle full of debris he gave up assembling.  I looked at it trying to figure out the difficulty and finally realized the pictures of the puzzle were printed backwards except for one small image on the back that proclaimed actual picture of finished puzzle.  Why would anyone do that?

I'm doing my due diligence.  

Valley Village Jumble tomorrow Fri 1-5, Sat 10-3.

Ron let everyone know Sydney Marchack passed 2/4 at valley med.  

Wednesday, May 14, 2025

my happy childhood

never too late.  Walter is using TENS to manage his pain.  he's taking control.  I told him creating heaven is hard without prior experience.  hell is everywhere.  many examples.  heaven is specific and personal and hard because it's new.  

back to being late.  cutting it close Toki, Fred and Walter.  one day is better.

Tuesday, May 13, 2025

6:21 went to Nob Hill

mom's 24th death a versary.  woke early and walked the store like the week she swallowed dad's bottle of sleeping pills.  I didn't even know he had any.  I drove her to 3 grocery stores she walked and didn't buy anything.  driving home she asked if I knew dad's dad hung himself I pulled the car over and stopped.  she stared out the passenger window totally disconnected.  I never noticed before my parents were always disconnected.  from reality.  I started researching suicide at 16 without any idea.  

like people today.  the planet is burning up.  we're burning the planet and it's business as usual.  people are wasting and polluting like there's no problem.  no price to pay tomorrow.

Walter came 11:35 just after Toki.  awesome.  they beat Fred.  Walter complained yesterday he sat by himself when he came late and all the seats were taken.  I chose a different table today lots of room.  Toki and Walter appreciate how hard it is to sit together.  I consider the lunch company as important to good digestion as nutrition.  vitamin L for laughter.  I remembered to tell Walter about my improved sleep using purple car seat cushion.  he argued he had a memory foam topper.  I pointed out it wasn't working.  LOL.  he argues to keep his pain, doesn't work with me.  he can keep his pain and he can't complain.  I don't argue.  everyone deserves what they want.  

and now "Young Frankenstein."

Monday, May 12, 2025

getting close

watching Harry Potter helps me process my sadness.  a lifetime takes care.  I want clear total healing.  

9 am it was pouring rain 11 dry as a bone.  I cut my soak short to close my car window.  lunch with Fred and Toki forgot comics first time.  

BONUS!  I found box of dark chocolate liquors left at lunch line.  49/64.  exp 8/3/24 booze dried up.  still delicious.  

Bartolo and Della put in 2 hours.  

Sunday, May 11, 2025

moved my car for clean up

I was concerned Todds took up my space I couldn't see from driveway to back out.  van in front moved, black multi still in middle.  I don't want to lose my parking spot to go to the library.  10 degrees cooler today.

I prepped and cooked asparagus.  even more delicious after soaking overnight.  plump, juicy and tender.  I snapped into bite size pieces reserving tips.  nuked 4 minutes tossed in tips for residual heat perfection.  and I have stems for trimming or tossing.  my decision.  I trimmed some stems and ate them raw filled me up.

half an hour of heaven for breakfast.  creating heaven takes practice, commitment, dedication.  you have to really want it.  

I'm crying for the unloved baby 2001 when mom died.  they constantly betrayed and abandoned me.  they lacked the ability to love, resented me for their failures.  the days counting down fill me with dread.  

I just realized the cover of release guilt is the oil I painted before 1988.  reminded me of Nora Gemini Books and now she has Angel star.  WOW!


Saturday, May 10, 2025

depression as a way of life

my family traditions of alcoholism and suicide.  alcoholism is self medicating, trying to make living tolerable.  not knowing.

I kept watching and re watching 'Genie' Melissa McCarthy missing the message until Bernard sets her free.  thousands of years a captive genie.  me and Walter.  learning to be free.  

I'm feeling glum and today's daily word Joy.  I puzzled then soaked at seniors and decided to try St Justin early.  long line at 10.  I waited picked up sandwiches and weekend bag.  library lots of cars 10:30.  LEGO day.  

kids make me laugh.  

I stopped DNA repair and I'm listening to Kelly again.  puzzle here isn't interesting or pretty.  so I'm reading GUT HEALTH.  it amuses me that everyone thinks it's one thing when I know it's a combination that varies person to person.  chiropractics matters.  

OK I decided I wanted county movies parked in courier spot 4.3 miles.  then feeling good I picked up Sunny and walked Sprouts nothing for dinner I drove to G Lucky's for frozen fried rice and asparagus.  YUM!!  no parking in front I used my driveway.  I expected neighbors to take advantage.  I put out tom's lawn mower.

Friday, May 9, 2025

whew! started to panic

I picked up free drink and almond bear pastry $3/from 7.

seniors I didn't have the spot charger.  I started to freak out and calmed myself down.  I can buy another, probably at home which it was.  

I puzzled, showered, my legs and hips heavy, stiff and painful.  

lunch salmon was good.  weirdest wild rice I ever ate.  no asparagus brussel sprouts substitute yech.  mini Cesar salad.  strawberry ice cream no strawberries and cream.  Walter showed up early with excuses.  I chose a different table due to the early influx and Toki's late arrival.  Fred complained when he was late and missed the first serving and had to wait.  he thinks getting there at 11:30 when serving begins won't take him 10 minutes to clear the line silly boy.  

I walked the health fair and with the excitement I was exhausted.  I napped 3-4.  

13th coming up.  I'm better able to process and heal my trauma and sisters' betrayal.  

Thursday, May 8, 2025

I'm feeling guilty for watching my shows

and feeling happy.  Walter is calming down.  I asked him to back off Nahyoung as a favor to me he's thinking about it.  Toki and he held our seats I was very late 11:45 last bingo exercise class I earned 34 wins = 2 bags, car tool, motion detecting rechargeable night light.  I feel rich.  Trudy and Ken even later.  I was too excited to eat turkey gravy.  mash and veg, mash sandwich perfect.  

not wearing a brace my back is screaming.  it's OK.  it's motivating me to keep moving.  

Wednesday, May 7, 2025

good puzzle

 I soaked late 9:30 and easier.  fewer people, quieter, more relaxing.  

Walter did it again.  he annoyed Nahyoung and Jennifer ran front today.  he's making it toxic and poisoning himself.  he insists he's right bullying her and refusing to see it.  he's doing the same as his dad.  

wheel is not updating.  huh.  

Tuesday, May 6, 2025

feeling relaxed

I unbalanced my gym bag which fell over spilling my shampoos and I didn't care.  I'm getting back to being me.  I refuse to sweat the small stuff.  and most of life is small stuff.

Walter got into it with Nahyoung acting like a brat again.  he took off acting the bad boy as he was raised.  I've done what I can.  I let go and let God.

Monday, May 5, 2025

I'm praying Walter has a better life

 We deserve best.  praying for Walter, Eric, George is praying for myself.  

praying is constant.  electrical energy generated by our brains sending messages to the universe.  

destruction is chaos.  God created order.  Physics.  

Sunday, May 4, 2025

processing depression

this house has so much unaddressed sadness.  I'm releasing energy.  I had a neighbor at my Radio Ave apartment comment.  we are all electric magnetic fields.  

Saturday, May 3, 2025

WOW!! 7:49 done DW Guidance

I got in my car 7:37 decided to drive to Danny's recycle $5.11 then seniors.  I started puzzle, soaked 9 am.  drove to Sprouts chick salad .475 lb $2.42 and CU deposit Merriwest.  

I just learned I can charge my phone through the chrome.  I plugged it in and it works.  I checked deposit by phone.  

I rested my back 'til 2:30 went to $tree for chick nuggets crinkle fries and found chick sticks w/mac cheese.  bought 2 wire #2 glasses to replace plastic readers breaking from age.  Welch's 20 oz pineapple soda one time buy 163% sugar and 2 bad dyes.  delicious.  

I keep freaking out.  I woke depressed and hopeless residual family energy.  this house is soaked in bad feelings.  I'm calming myself.  

Epiphany-my mom blamed me for her feelings so she didn't live them.  she didn't take responsibility and doomed herself to always living with them.  this house is soaked in their fear and depression.  that's Walter's game.  he's so steeped in his depression he'd miss it.  he doesn't want to feel happy.  or he's happy with his feelings.

he prefers his pain.  I don't.  

Friday, May 2, 2025

done-my aching back

the pain takes my breath away.  I literally can't breathe.  from last year's car collision.  ricocheting up and down my spine.  I took 1 willow.  15-20 minutes better.  takes down inflammation.

I started exercising early, nothing else to do.  the tables are set up for the health fair for 4 Fridays.  so no room.  I'm hanging in the computer room.  I showered, biked 45 and stretched for half an hour.  

I'm looking forward to what today brings.  change is inevitable I may as well consciously choose my change.

Walter took 2 willow I offered.  works for me.  I stayed for the health fair playing vendor bingo visiting booths getting stamps.  

home for Idiot Test.  and picked up movies to return to Sunny.  

Thursday, May 1, 2025

Walter got mad-mom's b'day

Nahyoung pulled rank on him.  he was extremely late so she called him on it and he choose to make it an issue trying to get me to agree with him.  no no no if he ever wants to be happier.  he's behaving old school expecting a different outcome.  may 4 his dad's b'day.  then Hilde interfered of course it's what they do.  I told him to grow up or accept his life.  he complained he won't follow rules.

I want happiness.  I refuse to keep playing 'insanity.'  

my Thanksgiving miracle shoes are 5 1/2.  I thought I read 6 1/2.