KNOWING WHAT I WANT

AFTER A LIFETIME OF BEING DENIED WHAT I WANT I GAVE UP WANTING.  AND NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT.  AND I'M AFRAID TO WANT.  WHISPERS OF HUMILIATION.

BIPOLAR?

TODAY I'M A WHOLE NEW PERSON.  LUNCH WAS GOOD.  LADIES GAVE ME THEIR LEFTOVERS.  I CALLED SV NISSAN RE TEST DRIVE, NO REPLY.  PEDRO OFF. 

AND I FEEL OK. 

DW-GRADUATION

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST  OF MY LIFE.

AFTER SR LUNCH I CONFRONTED CITY WITH ELECTRIC BILL, REREAD 1,45.  MY BILL TO BE ADJUSTED.  I CALLED AND VISITED CARLOS WITH CAR INFO.  TYGJ.

I FEEL BETTER,  I HATE CONFRONTATIONS.  FAMILY WAS HUMILIATION AND CONTEMPT.  A NEW DAY.

I'VE DECIDED TO CELEBRATE MY GRAD WITH THEM.  MY FAMILY NEVER EVEN ACKNOWLEDGED ME.  TOOK ME 6 1/2 YEARS ON MY OWN OF PUTTING UP WITH THE GARY SERGIANI JOKES.  I WAS JUST A JEALOUS JOKE TO THEM.

D*I*V*O*R*C*E-MEMORIAL DAY MONDAY

MY VISION IS BLURRY LIKE WHEN I GOT DIVORCED.  WHICH REMINDED ME OF MY SITUATION IN 1985.  SO MANY SIMILARITIES.  I LEFT MY LIFE BEHIND.  A KIND OF DEATH.  I'VE FELT LIKE I'M DYING.  I'M ENTERING A NEW LEVEL OF FREEDOM. 

WHEN I WENT TO LIVE ON MY OWN; NEW LIFE, JOB, APARTMENT, I WAS FINE.  I WILL BE AGAIN.  THE NEW, IMPROVED, UPGRADED VERSION OF ME.  I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE ME.

I'M NOT ELECTRICAL-SUNDAY

I DON'T WANT AN ELECTRIC CAR, I FLUNKED ELECTRICITY IN COLLEGE, MY UTILITIES THIS MONTH JUMPED FROM $120 TO $450.  USUALLY c.200 UNITS TO EXACTLY 3000.  I DON'T KNOW HOW.  EXACTLY 3000.  IT COULD BE A COMBINATION OF THE NEW SMART METER GLITCH OR I LEFT THE PUCK OVEN ON.  I NOW UNPLUG IT.

ASHLEY-CITY SENT RE-READ WITHIN AN HOUR,  EXACTLY 2650 T00 MUCH.

I TEST DROVE A 2008 YESTERDAY THAT FELT LIKE A TANK.  I'M DOING THE BEST I KNOW AND IT DOESN'T FEEL ENOUGH.

I FELT SO SAD THIS MORNING.  MEMORIES.  AND DEPRESSING DVDS.

AT LEAST WHEN I GOT HOME FROM G2, CUPERTINO LIBRARY OPENS 10 AM 7 DAYS A WEEK (I FOUND A NICKEL AND PEN), TRINETHA MARKET GRAND OPENING ON WEBSITE DIDN'T SPECIFY 2016, LUCKY'S 5X BONUS WEEKEND; ROGER RABBIT WAS ON TV.  I ALWAYS LAUGH.

I KILL GIANTS IS ABOUT TRYING TO BEAT DEATH, MOTHER DYING LIKE ME.  A LOT OF THE KID'S DVDS ARE DEPRESSING.  THIS ONE TALKS ABOUT FINDING JOY BUT HASN'T ANY.

FINALLY

I DID IT AGAIN, MY SELF-SABOTAGE OF  SCARING MYSELF BY MISPLACING AND THINKING I'VE LOST MY PURSE, OR PHONE OR WHATEVER.  I GOT IT FROM MOM.  SHE WAS ALWAYS AMBUSHING ME, CAUSING ME PAIN.  DAD TOO TO A LESSER DEGREE, HITTING ME FROM BEHIND IN THE HEAD WITH A ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER.  MOM WAS HANDS ON.  HITTING OR PINCHING WHILE YELLING. 

I WAS ACCUSTOMED TO A CERTAIN LEVEL OF  PAIN.  I LEARNED TO ANTICIPATE THEM AND TOLERATE THEM AND NOW I CREATE IT FOR MYSELF TO NOT MISS THEM. 

4 AM

I DECIDED TO SHOWER AT ARQUES AND DID MY WALKING B4 PT.  HAD LUNCH CAME HOME. 

NOW I'M LOOKING AT CARS.