magnets-paid Citibank $72 Halford-still 25/60

I made instant oatmeal, dressed.  packed chrome and spot.  

my plan I drove to 24 hour no parking I paid my Costco Citibank and bought 2 Cali XL burgers.  10:30 I checked back at 24 parked and showered 15 lbs lighter.  reminded me Enrico Caruso slept a month at a time for weight loss.  I used head & shoulders left behind.  

dressing in locker room my blood sugar dropped for half hour.  I lay on bench.  15 years since last time all my candy drops in car.  sugar free gum 5 calories bad idea.  triggered another faint.  I slowly carefully got in the car feeling OK.  noon I ate a Cali burger removing diced onions.  

well, I no longer have inflammation.  50 degrees 96% humidity feels cold.  

food used to be pure and healthy

now it all stinks from pollution and toxins.  beef, pork, veg, poultry.  rich poor doesn't matter.  the entire planet is poisoned.  no one escapes.  

breathe-26-25/60 Sunny lib

so cold 39 degrees 7 am.  37 at 8 am.  I want to soak at 24 hour but it's too cold.  

watching girl next door 2004 repulsive movie that's supposed to be funny.  shallow Hal 2001.  

listening to Louise Hay my life was charmed but for my family.  they cursed me.  they stole my joy.  old programming.  re-reading looking backward I read in college.

Queen of denial.  the many times I saw Eric literally green from alcohol poisoning.  having to drive him back from karaoke jobs too drunk from free liquor.  the fact he'd charge $5 K and pay me $100 but split with the guys.  he took the guys when Vanna White hired him for a private party and didn't tell me 'til after.  oh, well.  

and all the times Thomas cheated and betrayed me over 40 years makes me feel stupid.  

this has made me sick.  

Sunny still 29/60 hot spot

I choose to have a hot spot over New Year.  

lying in bed my leg muscles have finally relaxed.  I can finally heal.  my illness is from family poison.  the toxins dumped on me from everyone close to me.  I became the holder of their sins.  I'm sick at heart.  

I'm eating salad with mayo and lemon pepper tuna.  mayo is my favorite.

I'm reading online of Ernest Holmes and Charles & Myrtle Fillmore.  soothes my heart.  and listening to the infinite Louise Hay on you tube.  

mailed Vote and Life-Cup library

dressed, got car cushion.  literally one step at a time.  stopping and resting.  I was so threatened by family I never had any holiday joy or rest.  all I've ever had was fear and sadness.

9:55 am I returned and picked up.  I asked about mailbox feeling ok dropped at WF at De Anza.  still feeling OK I drove to SV Safeway for salad and krab.  I asked about checking gift card balance told no then she asked if Safeway and all are good.  

still feeling OK I dropped off overdue Sunny book.  home by 11.  balsamic salad w/can peaches.  

St Just $20Target+$50Safeway I feel loved-Sunny 29/60

I used to love driving it's no longer fun.  too many bad drivers.  more work.  its a battlefield.  

I'm still judging what I should be doing, feeling, thinking.  I spent 8 years bed ridden.  unable to do much.  the bare minimum to survive.  

I'm listening nonstop to Louise Hay healing sorrow.  I'm feeling lighter.  

New Behavior.  I'm taking what I need to heal.  time out.  

I finally forgive myself for loving my sisters after they've used me.  I hate that I still love them.  I hate myself for loving them.   

every Christmas has been miserable.  Icky Thom called to bug me, I never responded.  now I know why.  I've never had anyone wanting to quietly celebrate.  everything was about me supporting him.  he embarrassed and betrayed me for his ego like my family.  sacrificed my life over and over.  

I'm feeling OK-I need inspiration-Louise Hay-Sunny still 30/60-Autistic Overload-SCAN, CVS OTC, ONE PASS

I don't want to do anything.  I've lost my joy for living if I ever had any.  

I've finally accepted Eric's sad death,7 years.  still makes me cry.  I couldn't help him.  it still hurts.  like dad a slow motion train wreck.  

I found Louise Hay healing sorrow on you tube.  I'm judging myself not loving myself.   whole and holy.  

I give myself permission to heal.  

I looked at EVIDENCE of COVERAGE SCAN CLASSIC online 212 pg.  I called to request hard copy and Provider Pharmacy and OTC catalog.  I changed provider/doctor back to Peter Chung.  Rihanna, Diamond, Jada.  DE, CA, Fla.   next Thursday New Year.  

I'm feeling blah blah blah

self love is learned.  I think that's the error in life.  we search for love if we never had it.  and it isn't out there it's an inside job.  if we didn't have it as a baby we have to create it internally as an adult.  

I dressed, didn't feel like driving, charged the car battery.  I wanted my parking.  the street is packed.  and it's drizzling.  I've compared burgers and drives.  Jack and Carl Jr.  B King Halford gone.  

Toke and Walter

Toke dropped off extra chicken, squash, brussel sprouts lunch Walter got for me from seniors.  I ate some chicken and squash.  so bland.  I called both and thanked them.  

I'm still feeling yucky.  they love me.

I'm watching my movie library- $5 A Day 2008-Sunny 30/61-Bartolo 1-3 pm

I bought so many I've never seen.  new unopened movies.  

You Tube I'm watching Wodehouse Playhouse from the 70's.  PG does the intros.  I remember they were the highlight of my week, still are.  

I'm back after 20 days/nights I watched Jeopardy and Wheel.  

finding meaning-34/61 Sunny spot

I'm re watching Third Rock season 1.  another series with physics.  John Lithgow plays Dick Solomon a physics professor.  

I'm watching Stuffy Durma and No, Honestly on You Tube in bed.  

vacation

 I'm doing what I want sans guilt.  feels weird.  

I'm learning-BBT 2013 vanity card season 7

 I have to remember my teacher Delorise Lucas.  she loved me.  

county hold expired, I requested again, I feel ok.  no guilt or self condemnation.  

Chuck Lorre discussing universal health care mentions the future pandemic that Trump gave us.

The Heart Principle

dealing with dying and death.  it perfectly describes my emotional experiences with taking care of mom and dad and losing my sisters to greed.  WOW!

I called St Justin as self care.  I talked to Joe Bauer who discussed it with Nancy Uyeda.  he left a v mail he'd mail cards to me.   

so many options

I don't want anything but I know I must eat something.  I can go to Nob or J I Box.  or ramen, soups.  

feeling paranoid since Mits' b'day card.  today is 10 days.  I did 2 Covid tests negative.  

I toasted a muffin and topped it with mild spicy tuna.  and a cup of coffee tea retrieved yesterday from the car.  

I called St Justin I decided not to push myself for Saturday.  I've always forced myself (pride ego?) loyal to the family.  I'm done with self torture.  they insisted I suffer.  

I've finished book 2 Helen Hoang.  I have Autistic Exhaustion.  

still not hungry

 I'm eating tiny bits toast and yogurt.  

dream of oldest blonde son shot gun-forgot property tax-Hiratas care package

lucid color dream Aiko killing mom and dad.  I've resisted accepting Aiko and Mits killing mom and dad keeping me stuck and physically sick.  Mits even admitted to me.  they dump their sickness on me.  

I opened a can of 20 mg CBD took one sip before sleeping.  I don't want to admit or accept my family is so sick.  I've been carrying it time to put it down.  

I finally found my car keys looked for Citibank bill found property tax I'd forgotten.  paid online with Disc.  I managed to toddle out to car moved it forward further under tree.  small bottle water.  

Hiratas in Hawaii sent care package.  exact same last year.  

cancelled lunch and called Toke

I don't miss it.  I feel relieved.  it's like a job.  I exercise then lunch and the library.  boring.

6 pm found Toke's call re her washer laundromat and repairs.  

still coughing paid-disc-cell-city

I'll use blog to track bills.  means I missed Citibank 10th.  no I didn't.

I'm thinking of Kyochan/Amy. she was the oldest of Waipahu auntie and uncle.  she had a delicate way of doing things.  she put herself through nursing and took care of her brothers and sisters.  she and Charles grew up together in Hawaii.  then Amy brought them all to LA.  her dad was an alcoholic.  mom would have him stay with us a week in the summer.  he was her eldest brother.  

still sick

 1996 Matilda movie.  I was too busy keeping the parents alive.  

I keep forgetting chamomile

for the horrible cough going around.  I gave Judy/bonny the loose chamomile tea when Judy had the cough.  

I went and filled the gas tank.  19 mpg not good I've been warming up the car and using the heater mornings.  so cold.  

I printed out sunny senior menu just in case.  

guess what day

lovely overcast 46 degrees 87% humidity perfection.  I soaked and stretched at seniors after puzzling hour and half.  

St J choice of ham cheese or PBJ.  PBJ please with chips and weekend bag.  my legs are sore from the junk food.  sugary and processed.  

I have my snacks + books=heaven.  listening to my music.  

when you have a cold

I didn't think to pick up anything at dollar tree and I already had cough gel caps.  

I picked up calendars, cards, a planner for next year.  

Walter remembered my b'day with assorted dark chocolates.  no Toke she told Fred.  not as many people our table was omitted I had to hunt for seats.  I got bumped from Inge's and sat with Ruben.  Joe the veteran snaked the pineapple I set out for Toke.  I took it back he says he thought I gave it to him when he took it off Toke's place mat.  I never gave it to him.  Walter and Fred looked at me.  I never argue with the insane or stupid.  makes me insane and stupid.  

sitting in the library copy room is so much better than out on the floor.  cozy listening to my music.  

2:30 I decided to head for home, St Just 4 bags of groceries out I took yogurts and 2 TV dinners.  the cheese raviolis were OK, the hamburger was good.  

silly savage

Walter continues to deny he has a cold.  he admits not drinking alcohol and dehydrating himself has reduced his pain.  

Walter shared his cold

 I've listened to his sister story a hundred times now I have one.  he made me sick.  my immunity and resistance will be up.  

I put away the hunting lodge puzzle and I'm starting the London from Sunny.  clear lines vibrant colors.  

I'm finally eating my sprouted almonds.  I'd eat a few and do something else.  then I didn't remember which bag it was in.  

I picked up and redeemed recycles $7.58 a little better with cans and bottle.  1 pm I went to post office mailed life bill then Inge's and Danny's.  home by 2 housekeeping.  

ramen-mailed life insure and Bartolo

made turkey cranberry soup b'fast.  I love watching people win Split Second.  good for my digestion.  

my auto update stopped.  Marie button holed Walter upstairs after lunch.  Jinx.  I almost forgot to pick up hot spot and to return and refresh the secret CD.  Inge at lunch has recycle ready another Jinx.  I almost did that.  WHAT A PREDATOR! with a feasting gleam in her eyes she says "Susan says you're having a hard time with your dad's death."  I told her no I didn't.  not her business.  and I told Walter she does that to manipulate and control.  she tried to get an invite to his apartment.  he fended her off gracefully.

beautiful day!  63 degrees.  

Freaky Friday musical horrible.  Alex Desert the only good thing in it.  

I decided to return Sunny hot spot and I borrowed Queen Latifah Bessie movie.  I stopped at Nob for a salad mix and dinner.  home I removed some lunch bags for recycle.  

one more meal-DD PERS 11/26

going to bed at 7:30 is wonderful.  after everything I did I had anxiety and processing fear all night.  

soaked and stretched.  my stomach finally doesn't hurt.  I expected my back to hurt from filling the salt.  and I put out recycle and garbage bins.  

Walter should s everyone.  he suggested I go online to track my banking like I'm an idiot who hadn't thought of it r/t I choose not to make myself vulnerable on the internet.   

I'm checking my bank by phone.  and my new PERS direct deposit started Wednesday 26 because of the holiday.  5 days early.  

he spends so much time and energy on repeating the past.  no time or energy to create a better future.