I'M ALLOWING

MYSELF TO GRIEVE.  ALLOWING=SUFFERING=GRIEVING.  I CAN HEAR THE FAMILY IN MY HEAD, 'DON'T FEEL LIKE THAT', DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.    MOM LED THE PACK HUMILIATING AND CRITICIZING.  HYPOCRITES.  HIPPOS.  THE ONLY ATTENTION I GOT FROM THEM.  YET I SURVIVED.  WE NEED ATTENTION=ENERGY TO LIVE EVEN IF IT'S NEGATIVE. 

I SUPPOSE I MUST BE GRATEFUL FOR THEIR NEGATIVE NURTURING.  KEPT ME ALIVE TO BE THEIR SLAVE. 

I KNOW MY PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES ARE ONLY MOTIVATION TO LEARN AND PRACTICE. 

MY RIGHT HIP LOWER BACK ARE EXCRUCIATING.  AND I HAVE ALL DAY TO PUT IT RIGHT.  I MADE OATMEAL USING BEEF JERKY AND SENIOR MILK.  IT TURNS SO QUICKLY TO YOGURT, BUTTERMILK. 

I'M WATCHING MY PROGRAMS.  SPLIT SECOND, MURDER SHE WROTE, MEDIUM, CONCENTRATION, JAMIE OLIVER.

YESTERDAY WITH NOTHING ON TV I KEPT BUSY TO AVOID FEELING THE EMOTIONAL PAIN OF LOSING ERIC TO CANCER AND WHAT HE REPRESENTED TO ME.  HE WAS ME IN ANOTHER ITERATION.  HE BUILT A SUCCESSFUL KARAOKE BUSINESS BEFORE IT WAS POPULAR, WAS A MAGICIAN OF A MECHANIC.   YET HE LIVED AN EVEN MORE TRAGIC LIFE THAN I DUE TO HIS JAPANESE CHILDHOOD.

1 PM I STARTED SHAKING REALIZED I FORGOT TO EAT.  LOW BLOOD SUGAR.  I STILL WASN'T HUNGRY.  I FINISHED TURNING THE SKIRT/SHORTS INTO A SKIRT.  IT WAS TOO HOT, THICK AND HEAVY.   MADE RED WHITE GREEN PASTA WITH BAKED BEANS. 

I JUST FIGURED OUT 2014-15.  2014 MITZI, CRAIG AND THE BOYS CAME TO CHANGE THE LOCKS, SHAVED THE FRONT DOOR TO KEEP IT FROM SCRAPING WHEN SHE COMES SCAVENGING.  THEY LEFT A GAP AT THE BOTTOM A QUARTER OF AN INCH.  I SET A PIECE OF WOOD IN THE DOORWAY TO BLOCK THE WINTER DRAFT.   JULY 2015 STEPPING OVER THE BOARD MY RIGHT LEG COLLAPSED I FELL ON THE FRONT PORCH BRUISING MY SIDE AND WRENCHING MY NECK.  TOM CAME WITH WEATHER STRIPPING AND FIXED THE DRAFT INSISTING I TRIPPED ON THE BOARD.   PINCHED NERVE IN BACK I'M STILL REHABBING.