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THE ONLY THING I KNOW FOR SURE TODAY.  I'M TAKING KAVA TO HELP WITH THE STRESS OF PROCESSING MY SADNESS AND ANXIETY.

IT USED TO BE EVERY DEATH DREDGED UP ALL THE OTHERS BUT THIS IS SINGULAR.  I IDENTIFIED WITH ERIC.  HIS DEATH IS LIKE ME DYING.  I WAS RAISED TO BE THE BOY SO I KNOW WHAT HE SUFFERED AS THE FAMILY SACRIFICIAL SCAPEGOAT.  JOHN BRADSHAW DESCRIBED IT PERFECTLY.

AND MY EMOTIONAL PAIN IS TRANSFERRED INTO PHYSICAL PAIN BY OVER DOING.  WHAT I DID PANICKING WHEN MOM DIED TRYING TO PULL HER OUT OF BATHTUB.  TOOK 3 FIREMEN.  I RIPPED UP MY BACK.  OR SCRATCHING MY RIGHT SHIN ON LOPPERS COLLECTING UP RECYCLE.

I STILL HAVE SCAR OF 8 YR OLD HIT BY 4 X 4 ON SWINGS.  I'D RIDE BUS FOR HALF HOUR TO GET TO SCHOOL ACROSS LAWRENCE.  THEY PICKED UP FROM ALL OVER SANTA CLARA EVEN FARMS.  MOM WAS WORKING ELECTRONICS.  WE'D GET DROPPED OFF NO PLAYGROUND SUPERVISION.  MOM SHOULD HAVE SUED.  KIDS PUT 4 X 4 ON NEXT SWING TO MAKE TEETER TOTTER AND IT HIT ME ACROSS SHINS DOWN TO WHITE BONE.  MOM RIPPED OFF BANDAGE INSTEAD OF SOAKING IT OFF.  I LEARNED TO DRESS MY OWN WOUNDS.  MOM WAS RUBBISH.  SHE WAS STILL PISSED AT DAD'S MOM FORCING HER TO COOK WHEN SHE GASHED HER STILL SCARRED LEFT THUMB.  I DIDN'T DO IT BUT SHE TOOK IT OUT ON ME.  SAID IT WAS MY FAULT.  KNOWING MOM AND AILEEN SHE PROBABLY DID IT ON PURPOSE TO TRY TO GET OUT OF WORK.  I ALWAYS HAD TO DO AILEEN'S WORK.

I FIGURED OUT HOW TO MAKE SMALL BLUE POP UP LAUNDRY BAG WORK AS CAR WINDOW SHADE.  I USED BINDER CLIP TO EXTEND WIDTH.

DAYTONA CAR RACING ON NEWS I'M ASTOUNDED AT THE WASTE.  THE TIME IN MAN HOURS COULD BE USED TO IMPROVE THE WORLD.  THE MONEY, THE WASTED RESOURCES.  THE EPITOME OF MANKIND'S ARROGANCE.  AND NOBODY SEES IT.  THE CONTINUATION OF MAN'S INFANCY.  LIKE ALL SPORTS.  BASHING AND BEATING OTHERS.  I'D LIKE TO SEE COMPETITIONS IN SOMETHING, ANYTHING USEFUL.  BUILDING HOUSES, RAISING CROPS.  CLEANING UP GARBAGE, ANYTHING USEFUL.  I'M SO GLAD I'M OLD.  I DON'T HAVE TO SEE IT FOREVER.

I JUST REALIZED WHY MITZI CALLED ME MONDAY APRIL 6.  AILEEN'S BIRTHDAY APRIL 15TH.

I WENT AND GOT GAS THINKING I'D PICK UP COFFEE FILTERS TOMORROW BUT I HAVE PLENTY OF TIME.  I GOT 2 PACKS.  I HAVE 1 SINGLE LEFT.  I'M COLD BREWING HAZELNUT COFFEE PODS.  I PUT THE OTHER FILTERS SOMEWHERE LOGICAL AND DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT IS.  OR MAYBE THE STEP SISTERS STOLE THEM.  I CAN USE THEM IN MASKS.  I WONDER IF THE REST OF LIFE WILL CONTINUE LIKE THIS.  I CAN'T IMAGINE.

SO MANY MONSTER/HORROR MOVIES FORETELL THE END OF THE WORLD BUT NO ONE PREDICTED THIS.

JUST DRANK MY 3RD DOSE OF KAVA.  IF I DRANK OR SMOKED I'D DO IT.  I'M TRYING TO KEEP BUSY.  RUNNING AWAY FROM ANXIETY TO BLISS.  IT ISN'T ENOUGH TO RUN AWAY I HAVE TO RUN TOWARD MY NEW IMPROVED LIFE.

NEWS STORIES OF DECLINING MENTAL HEALTH.  I CONTEND PEOPLE ARE CONFRONTING WHO THEY REALLY ARE.  MAYBE THE WORLD NOW HAS A CHANCE AT SANITY.  ONLY A CRAZY WORLD KILLS FOR NO REASON, CONSIDERS COMPETITION MORE IMPORTANT THAN COMPASSION.  WARS ARE CONTINUING DESPITE PEOPLE DYING FROM THE PANDEMIC.  HOW CRAZY IS THAT.  TRUMP SAID PEOPLE WOULD BE COMMITTING SUICIDE.  ONLY BY NOT TAKING PRECAUTIONS.  MURDER AND ASSAULT ARE UP.

ALL THE SWEETENERS I BOUGHT CLEARANCE I'LL USE WITH COLD BREW COFFEE.