quiet NO LOVE

6 AM I WOKE KNOWING I DIDN'T HAVE ANY RESPONSIBILITIES LIKE A 5 YEAR OLD.  I CAN PLAY WITH ALL MY TOYS ALL DAY.

11;30 IT'S COOL AND OVERCAST AND SUBLIMELY COMFORTABLE.  I'M HAVING A LOVELY MORNING. 

I TOASTED BREAD, MEAT, CHEESE AND HAD A BOWL OF CHEERIOS.  BRUSHED MY TEETH, HAIR AND FEEL I'M WAITING FOR SOMETHING GOOD.  MADE A POT OF HAZELNUT COFFEE.  TOOK ME 20 MINUTES TO FIND THE FILTERS AGAIN.  I MUST HAVE A RESISTANCE TO FILTERS.  MY LATEST SNACK IS MIXING DIPPING CORN CHIPS AND KETTLE BBQ POTATO CHIPS.

I HAVE MY TV SHOWS WHEN I WANT TO BE SCARED OR LAUGH.  I CAN LIVE WITHOUT PEOPLE AS LONG AS I HAVE TV.  MOST PEOPLE HAVE FAMILIES TO HELP THEM THROUGH LIFE.  I WAS ALWAYS THE HELPER NEVER GETTING HELP FROM MY SISTERS SO I DON'T MISS THEM.  I CAN HELP WHO I WANT NOW.  AND THEY ALWAYS RIDICULED ME FOR HELPING OTHER PEOPLE. 

DOING WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT FEELS SO WEIRD.  I'M MISSING NICOTINE.

THEY DIDN'T LOVE ME BECAUSE THEY DON'T LOVE.  THEY WERE ADDICTED.  CODEPENDENTS. 

heavenly

HEAVEN IS FREEDOM TO BE AND EXPRESS OPENLY AND HONESTLY. 

I WOKE WITH 'RUN TO ME COME TO ME'.

dream team

when the page is open disconnect erases it.

I WOKE TO MY ANGEL TEAM WRAPPING UP ERIC/CAR HEALING AND DISCUSSING AILEEN.  I CAN FREE MYSELF FROM ANY AND EVERY CONCERN OF MY SISTERS.  IT'S HANDLED.

LETTING GO IS HARD WHEN I'VE BEEN BLAMED MY WHOLE LIFE.  SO MUCH OF MY SURVIVAL IS BASED ON KEEPING THINGS RUNNING.  CONSTANTLY RUNNING.  FAMILY MADE ME RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING.  ESPECIALLY MOM.  WATCHING 'I REMEMBER MAMA' IS SO ALIEN.  A MOTHER WHO WANTS THE BEST SHE CAN PROVIDE FOR HER KIDS AND WANTING THEIR HAPPINESS.  I THINK THAT'S WHERE MY GENERAL CONFUSION COMES FROM.  THE WORLD DEFINITION AND MY ACTUAL EXPERIENCE.

I WATCHED MY GAME SHOWS AND JAMIE NOT TOO INTERESTING.  GOOD REST.  LAST NIGHT WATCHING MY CHANNEL 5 COMEDIES I GOT BORED AND CUT OFF 4 INCHES OF HAIR. 

9;53 SENIORS LUNCH LINE.  I LOADED THE LAUNDRY 9 A M AND DIDN'T WANT TO RUSH SO I WENT TO TARGET AND WALKED THE STORE.  MY HIPS ARE SO SORE IN NEW AREAS.  GOOD WARM UP.  EYELET AND DENIM BIG.  I'M FASHIONABLE AGAIN.

I'M STILL GETTING USED TO DOING CHORES IN STAGES.  THE FAMILY PROGRAM OF CONSTANTLY PUSHING ME TO DO FOR THEM IS DEEPLY INGRAINED.  I'M OK.  NOT TOO MUCH STRESS.  STILL UNCOMFORTABLE.

3 PHONE CALLS ARE STRESSING ME OUT.  MY UNREASONABLE FEAR OF FAMILY CALLING WITH SOME NEW DISASTER.  2 CAREMORE, 1 NO ID.  AND I DON'T WANT TO TURN IT OFF. 

listening

I'M REPLACING MY FAMILY WITH THE SECRET VOCAL RECORDING.  I CAN TOLERATE LISTENING.  I HAD SO MUCH RESISTANCE TO ANYTHING BEFORE. 

I REMEMBERED TO ASK CARLOS ALL THE CAR QUESTIONS I HAD.  I FEEL GOOD AND PROUD OF MYSELF.  HERE'S SOMETHING BRAND NEW.   FEELING GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

I'LL JUST SIT WITH THIS AWHILE.

I GOT ALMOST EVERYTHING AT MARIA SAFEWAY THEN THOUGHT OF WALMART GUM AND JETTED THERE.  10; AM SENIOR LUNCH LINE.  I'D RATHER BE EARLY THAN LATE.  SCU SAFEWAY I FOUND DONUTS AND CLEARANCE SEAFOOD SALADS FOR DINNER.  HURRAH. 

I DROPPED OFF FRENCH BREAD TO TOKI PETER /MERRICK WAS WALKING HIS CUTE DACHSHUND.  TV WENT FUZZY I GOT UP.  TOKI CALLED TO THANK ME AND SAID HIS NAME IS MERRICK.  HE AND HIS WIFE.CZECHOSLOVAKIAN.  HE CLEANS HER RAIN GUTTERS. 

LIKE GOD PREPARED ME.  DIVINE ORDER.

stunned

I'M ADJUSTING CONSTANTLY.  I'M CONSIDERING LEFT OVER LUNCHES.  AND IT WAS SO NICE CONNECTING WITH MY CREW.  PEOPLE WHO SHOW ME SOME RESPECT.  NOT SINCE HIGH SCHOOL HAVE I GOTTEN THIS CLOSE TO ANYONE.

TOM WAS WEIRD IN THAT HE NEVER WANTED TO KNOW ME.  WHEN I TRIED TO TALK WITH HIM HE'D PHYSICALLY RECOIL.  HE'D PULL AWAY AND SHUT DOWN.  HE'D TELL ME ABOUT WATCHING DELLA DRESSING WHEN SHE WAS 30 AND HE WAS 10.  OR HOW MANY TIMES HIS HORSE WAS SOLD.  OR HIS BROTHER TONY HITTING HIM IN THE CHEST WITH THE SHOVEL BLADE.  BUT MY LIFE, FEELINGS, EXPERIENCES WERE TABOO.

OMG

I'M FEELING THE LOSS OF ERIC AND MY DREAM OF A KARAOKE CHURCH DYING WITHOUT THE BUFFER OF NICOTINE. 

IT HURTS SO MUCH I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP.  I SURRENDER.  I MUST FIND MY NEXT DREAM. 

I WENT TO CARLOS' WITH LENTILS, ALMONDS, SANITIZER.  HE TESTED THE CAR COULDN'T FIGURE WHY IT DIDN'T PASS AND TOOK MY CAR TO BE SMOGGED.  HE SAID 10 MINUTES.  AFTER AN HOUR I GOT WORRIED.  I LEFT MY PHONE IN THE CAR.  I WENT NEXT DOOR AND THEY WERE KIND ENOUGH TO CALL HIM.  HE SAID 2 MINUTES AND SHOWED UP WITH CERTIFICATE.  THE OXYGEN SENSOR IS GOOD.  THE COMPUTER JUST NEEDED TO BE RESET BY DRIVING 40 MILES TO RE CALIBRATE SETTINGS.

I GOT IN LINE 11;20 AND MISTAKENLY THOUGHT I ORDERED BOCA BURGER,  I WAITED, WALKING ROUND BLOCK 'TIL 12;15 TALKING TO TOKI, ART, SYDNEY, WALTER.  I GOT LUNCH AND DINNER.  I ATE, WATCHED TV, SIESTA 2-5.  I WAS BURNED.  I'M STILL FEELING TIRED AFTER A QUART OF WATER.  90 o.

6 hours

OF DEEP SLEEP.  I AM BESIDE MYSELF.  NOT QUITE IN MY BODY.  I FEEL RESTLESS.  MY BODY IS TINGLING.  MY HIP SCREAMING.  MY STOMACH CHURNING.   DID COBRA STRETCH NEVER BEFORE FELT IT IN LOWER BACK.

MEMORIAL DAY MONDAY.  TANK STILL PARKED OUT FRONT.  I PUT BINS OUT ANYWAY I CAN.

I'M ALL DRESSED AND RESTING IN PLACE.  SEEMED IMPORTANT TO BE READY. 

I'M WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO DO.  I HAVE A POCKET I CAN ADD AND AN EMPIRE DRESS TO MAKE OVER.  NOTHING ON TV.  CHANNEL 5 WON'T COME IN.  IT DOESN'T WHEN IT'S THIS 90 o HOT.  I MADE NOODLES.  NUKED THE TAYLOR FARM VEG'S.  SAUCE IS TOO SPICY HOT.  NOT JUST GINGER SOY A LOT OF CHILI.  I ADDED CAN OF CHILI, PLAIN PEANUTS.  DELICIOUS.

3;30 PM I JUST FINISHED A GOOD CRY.  I'VE BEEN FEELING ACUTE EMOTIONAL DISCOMFORT ALL DAY.  I WAS FEELING GUILTY THAT I DIDN'T DO ENOUGH FOR ERIC.  AND I TRANSFERRED THAT FEELING OF LACK TO CARLOS.  I CAN TAKE CARLOS LENTILS I CAN'T MAKE HIM EAT THEM.  SAME WITH ALMONDS.  CARLOS ISN'T ERIC.

I LOVED ERIC LIKE A BROTHER.  I DID EVERYTHING I COULD MANAGE WITHIN MY LIMITATIONS.  I CAN'T WATCH ONE MORE PERSON DIE SUFFERING.

4;30 I FEEL LIKE A DEFLATED BALLOON.  MY ANXIETY AND TENSION ARE GONE.

I NEED HEALTHY, HAPPY FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

GREEN ACRE MARATHON

I'M WEARING MY MADE OVER JUMPER.

I WOKE VERY BLUE OVER CAR/CARLOS/LITTLE BRO ERIC.  UNREASONABLE FEAR AND PANIC.  I FEEL LIKE I DIED TOO.  I WANTED SO MUCH HAPPINESS FOR HIM.  I IDENTIFIED SO STRONGLY WITH HIM.  IF HE COULD BE HAPPY I WOULD BE HAPPY WITH AND FOR HIM.  ANOTHER HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT. 

SO I TURNED IT OVER.  I WANTED TO GO TO LUCKY'S TO REDEEM FREE STAR BUCK'S NITRO BREW, CHERRIES, CORN, VEG'S AND 2 X REWARD POINTS.  I WAS FEELING TOO SAD TO MOVE.   I JUST RELAXED, LET GO AND LET GOD MOVE THROUGH ME.  I DRESSED.  8;30-9;30 LUCKY'S.  I HEADED HOME TURNED AROUND TO BURGER KING TO PICK UP JR'S FOR DINNER.  I RETURNED HOME TO GREEN ACRES MARATHON 8 AM TO 9 PM.  IT ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGH.   I ATE THE SMALL FRIES FOR SNACK.   THE BURGERS FOR LUNCH AND DINNER. 

MY CONSCIOUS SELF IS GETTING HAPPIER.  ALL MY SUBCONSCIOUS PROGRAMMING IS COMING OUT.

I'M ALLOWING

MYSELF TO GRIEVE.  ALLOWING=SUFFERING=GRIEVING.  I CAN HEAR THE FAMILY IN MY HEAD, 'DON'T FEEL LIKE THAT', DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.    MOM LED THE PACK HUMILIATING AND CRITICIZING.  HYPOCRITES.  HIPPOS.  THE ONLY ATTENTION I GOT FROM THEM.  YET I SURVIVED.  WE NEED ATTENTION=ENERGY TO LIVE EVEN IF IT'S NEGATIVE. 

I SUPPOSE I MUST BE GRATEFUL FOR THEIR NEGATIVE NURTURING.  KEPT ME ALIVE TO BE THEIR SLAVE. 

I KNOW MY PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES ARE ONLY MOTIVATION TO LEARN AND PRACTICE. 

MY RIGHT HIP LOWER BACK ARE EXCRUCIATING.  AND I HAVE ALL DAY TO PUT IT RIGHT.  I MADE OATMEAL USING BEEF JERKY AND SENIOR MILK.  IT TURNS SO QUICKLY TO YOGURT, BUTTERMILK. 

I'M WATCHING MY PROGRAMS.  SPLIT SECOND, MURDER SHE WROTE, MEDIUM, CONCENTRATION, JAMIE OLIVER.

YESTERDAY WITH NOTHING ON TV I KEPT BUSY TO AVOID FEELING THE EMOTIONAL PAIN OF LOSING ERIC TO CANCER AND WHAT HE REPRESENTED TO ME.  HE WAS ME IN ANOTHER ITERATION.  HE BUILT A SUCCESSFUL KARAOKE BUSINESS BEFORE IT WAS POPULAR, WAS A MAGICIAN OF A MECHANIC.   YET HE LIVED AN EVEN MORE TRAGIC LIFE THAN I DUE TO HIS JAPANESE CHILDHOOD.

1 PM I STARTED SHAKING REALIZED I FORGOT TO EAT.  LOW BLOOD SUGAR.  I STILL WASN'T HUNGRY.  I FINISHED TURNING THE SKIRT/SHORTS INTO A SKIRT.  IT WAS TOO HOT, THICK AND HEAVY.   MADE RED WHITE GREEN PASTA WITH BAKED BEANS. 

I JUST FIGURED OUT 2014-15.  2014 MITZI, CRAIG AND THE BOYS CAME TO CHANGE THE LOCKS, SHAVED THE FRONT DOOR TO KEEP IT FROM SCRAPING WHEN SHE COMES SCAVENGING.  THEY LEFT A GAP AT THE BOTTOM A QUARTER OF AN INCH.  I SET A PIECE OF WOOD IN THE DOORWAY TO BLOCK THE WINTER DRAFT.   JULY 2015 STEPPING OVER THE BOARD MY RIGHT LEG COLLAPSED I FELL ON THE FRONT PORCH BRUISING MY SIDE AND WRENCHING MY NECK.  TOM CAME WITH WEATHER STRIPPING AND FIXED THE DRAFT INSISTING I TRIPPED ON THE BOARD.   PINCHED NERVE IN BACK I'M STILL REHABBING. 

arranging my life-HUMMINGBIRD

SIMPLE NOT E Z.  KEEPING UP MY SPIRITS DESPITE EVERYTHING IS TIRING.  THE ENERGY IT TAKES. 

MAYBE THAT'S WHAT SEEMINGLY USELESS ENDEAVORS ARE.  RE CREATING IN THE GENERAL PUBLIC.  CAR RACING, SPORTS GIVES THEM SOLACE FROM THE PAIN AND DRUDGERY OF THEIR EVERYDAY LIVES.

AFTER JAMIE OLIVER I DECIDED TO TRY CLEARING THE KIWI VINES I CUT YESTERDAY.  SMOOTH.  LADY NEIGHBOR STOPPED TO TAKE PICTURES OF MEX CACTUS.  I TOLD HER HOW I DUG UP 4 INCH FROM LAWRENCE EXPRESSWAY AND STUCK IT IN THE GROUND AND IT JUST GREW.  SHE TALKED OF HER FRIEND'S CACTI.  I STARTED GETTING HOT AND WENT INDOORS.

TODAY I LOOKED OUT THE SINK WINDOW AND SAW WHAT LOOKED LIKE ONE OF MOM'S LIPTON TEA OWL FIGURINES ON THE WOOD.  SO I WENT THROUGH THE GARAGE TO RETRIEVE IT AND IT WAS A LIVE GREY HUMMINGBIRD SUNNING HERSELF.  SHE JUST LOOKED AT ME.  HUMMINGBIRDS ARE STRONG, FEARLESS, LOVING PARENTS.  I LEFT HER ALONE.

DURING THE WEEK AFTER MOM DIED AND HER MEMORIAL SERVICE AILEEN TOOK A BREAK FROM HER EVICTION THREATS TO FIND ANOTHER LAWYER WHEN MR BRONSTEIN ADVISED HER CALIFORNIA LAW ENSURED MY LIVING IN THE HOME I LIVED IN WHILE CARING FOR MOM AND DAD.  LYING FLAT ON MY BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM GRIEVING THE LOSS OF MY PARENTS AND SISTERS TWO MOURNING DOVES SAT ON THE TI LEAVES PEERING INTO THE ROOM FOR A GOOD 10 MINUTES. 

9;50 SENIORS 6TH CAR IN LINE I WALKED MY MENU TO MALLORY, ONLY ONE OUT SETTING UP.  I HAD THISTLES IN MY CROCS AND WANTED TO WALK AROUND PARK AND CLEAN MY SOCKS.  ROSE THORN EMBEDDED.  I FOUND SHEPHERDS PURSE GROWING UNDER TREE.  MY VALENTINES PLANT.  ANTI TUMOR.  I'LL DIG SOME UP IF STILL THERE NEXT WEEK.

ALL THE PAPERWORK I'M CLEARING IS 2014-15.  I'M ORGANIZING.  IT'S FUN.

uncertain

THE ONLY THING I KNOW FOR SURE TODAY.  I'M TAKING KAVA TO HELP WITH THE STRESS OF PROCESSING MY SADNESS AND ANXIETY.

IT USED TO BE EVERY DEATH DREDGED UP ALL THE OTHERS BUT THIS IS SINGULAR.  I IDENTIFIED WITH ERIC.  HIS DEATH IS LIKE ME DYING.  I WAS RAISED TO BE THE BOY SO I KNOW WHAT HE SUFFERED AS THE FAMILY SACRIFICIAL SCAPEGOAT.  JOHN BRADSHAW DESCRIBED IT PERFECTLY.

AND MY EMOTIONAL PAIN IS TRANSFERRED INTO PHYSICAL PAIN BY OVER DOING.  WHAT I DID PANICKING WHEN MOM DIED TRYING TO PULL HER OUT OF BATHTUB.  TOOK 3 FIREMEN.  I RIPPED UP MY BACK.  OR SCRATCHING MY RIGHT SHIN ON LOPPERS COLLECTING UP RECYCLE.

I STILL HAVE SCAR OF 8 YR OLD HIT BY 4 X 4 ON SWINGS.  I'D RIDE BUS FOR HALF HOUR TO GET TO SCHOOL ACROSS LAWRENCE.  THEY PICKED UP FROM ALL OVER SANTA CLARA EVEN FARMS.  MOM WAS WORKING ELECTRONICS.  WE'D GET DROPPED OFF NO PLAYGROUND SUPERVISION.  MOM SHOULD HAVE SUED.  KIDS PUT 4 X 4 ON NEXT SWING TO MAKE TEETER TOTTER AND IT HIT ME ACROSS SHINS DOWN TO WHITE BONE.  MOM RIPPED OFF BANDAGE INSTEAD OF SOAKING IT OFF.  I LEARNED TO DRESS MY OWN WOUNDS.  MOM WAS RUBBISH.  SHE WAS STILL PISSED AT DAD'S MOM FORCING HER TO COOK WHEN SHE GASHED HER STILL SCARRED LEFT THUMB.  I DIDN'T DO IT BUT SHE TOOK IT OUT ON ME.  SAID IT WAS MY FAULT.  KNOWING MOM AND AILEEN SHE PROBABLY DID IT ON PURPOSE TO TRY TO GET OUT OF WORK.  I ALWAYS HAD TO DO AILEEN'S WORK.

I FIGURED OUT HOW TO MAKE SMALL BLUE POP UP LAUNDRY BAG WORK AS CAR WINDOW SHADE.  I USED BINDER CLIP TO EXTEND WIDTH.

DAYTONA CAR RACING ON NEWS I'M ASTOUNDED AT THE WASTE.  THE TIME IN MAN HOURS COULD BE USED TO IMPROVE THE WORLD.  THE MONEY, THE WASTED RESOURCES.  THE EPITOME OF MANKIND'S ARROGANCE.  AND NOBODY SEES IT.  THE CONTINUATION OF MAN'S INFANCY.  LIKE ALL SPORTS.  BASHING AND BEATING OTHERS.  I'D LIKE TO SEE COMPETITIONS IN SOMETHING, ANYTHING USEFUL.  BUILDING HOUSES, RAISING CROPS.  CLEANING UP GARBAGE, ANYTHING USEFUL.  I'M SO GLAD I'M OLD.  I DON'T HAVE TO SEE IT FOREVER.

I JUST REALIZED WHY MITZI CALLED ME MONDAY APRIL 6.  AILEEN'S BIRTHDAY APRIL 15TH.

I WENT AND GOT GAS THINKING I'D PICK UP COFFEE FILTERS TOMORROW BUT I HAVE PLENTY OF TIME.  I GOT 2 PACKS.  I HAVE 1 SINGLE LEFT.  I'M COLD BREWING HAZELNUT COFFEE PODS.  I PUT THE OTHER FILTERS SOMEWHERE LOGICAL AND DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT IS.  OR MAYBE THE STEP SISTERS STOLE THEM.  I CAN USE THEM IN MASKS.  I WONDER IF THE REST OF LIFE WILL CONTINUE LIKE THIS.  I CAN'T IMAGINE.

SO MANY MONSTER/HORROR MOVIES FORETELL THE END OF THE WORLD BUT NO ONE PREDICTED THIS.

JUST DRANK MY 3RD DOSE OF KAVA.  IF I DRANK OR SMOKED I'D DO IT.  I'M TRYING TO KEEP BUSY.  RUNNING AWAY FROM ANXIETY TO BLISS.  IT ISN'T ENOUGH TO RUN AWAY I HAVE TO RUN TOWARD MY NEW IMPROVED LIFE.

NEWS STORIES OF DECLINING MENTAL HEALTH.  I CONTEND PEOPLE ARE CONFRONTING WHO THEY REALLY ARE.  MAYBE THE WORLD NOW HAS A CHANCE AT SANITY.  ONLY A CRAZY WORLD KILLS FOR NO REASON, CONSIDERS COMPETITION MORE IMPORTANT THAN COMPASSION.  WARS ARE CONTINUING DESPITE PEOPLE DYING FROM THE PANDEMIC.  HOW CRAZY IS THAT.  TRUMP SAID PEOPLE WOULD BE COMMITTING SUICIDE.  ONLY BY NOT TAKING PRECAUTIONS.  MURDER AND ASSAULT ARE UP.

ALL THE SWEETENERS I BOUGHT CLEARANCE I'LL USE WITH COLD BREW COFFEE.

ERASED

NOW I KNOW FOR SURE.  I LEFT PAGE OPEN AND WENT TO BED AND INTERNET INTERRUPTION ERASED POST.

I'M MISSING ERIC.  HIS DEATH DAY 6/13/2017.  HE WAS ONLY 61 AND 10 DAYS YOUNG, TOO YOUNG AFTER SUCH A TOUGH LIFE.  THE FIRST TIME I MET ROSE SHE CAME ON LIKE A JUNK YARD DOG.  ERIC OPENED A CLUB IN ALMADEN AND AS SOON AS I WALKED IN SHE RUSHED OVER TO FIND OUT WHO I WAS AND WHY I WAS THERE.  THEN I UNDERSTOOD ERIC.  HE WAS MERELY THE PRODUCT OF HIS CHILDHOOD.  AS WE ALL ARE UNTIL WE TAKE CHARGE AND BECOME ADULT.

I CAN THINK OF MOM'S 5/13 DEATH WITHOUT TOO MUCH TRAUMA CONSIDERING IT WAS IN THE BATH TUB AND I FOUND HER.  19 YEARS AGO.  I HOPE IT DOESN'T TAKE AS LONG FOR ERIC.

COLLECTING THE RECYCLE I SCRATCHED MY RIGHT SHIN ON THE LOPPERS AND CUT SOME MORE INVADING KIWI VINES.  THE SAME SPOT I WAS INJURED 8 YEARS OLD AT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

ANTS IN MY PLANTS

I'VE BEEN STRETCHING AFRAID TO OVER DO.  AS I WAS LEAVING A PLAN TO CUT THISTLES POPPED INTO MY HEAD SO I DID AROUND LILAC.  I'M USING RINSE WATER FOR IT.  TOOK MAYBE 10 MINUTES.  I SAW TODD'S KIWI VINES INVADING HOUSE AND STARTED TO YELL AT MYSELF LIKE THE FAMILY WOULD AND I STOPPED.  DAD'S GOOD BUDDY NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

I BOUGHT CORN .40 EA AT NOB HILL AND BASTER .99.  NEW BEHAVIOR.  BASTER SAVED ME ONE TIME I PUT WRONG FLUID IN CAR.  I REMOVED IT.  TY BASTER.

I CALLED GREEN SMOG TO ASK FREE RETEST NO, AND FINALLY FOUND SMALL PRINT DEFINITION OLDER CAR $10 EXTRA 1999.  SO 2008 OK.

ERIC'S DEATH DAY COMING UP.  THOUGH HE DIED JUNE 2017 HE'S STILL LOOKING OUT FOR ME.  JUNE 2018 I BOUGHT ANOTHER USED CAR ONE WEEK BEFORE MY OLD CAR WIND SHIELD WAS TRASHED SO I HAD A CAR TO DRIVE.  I DONATED TO VETERANS ALMOST A FULL TANK OF GAS I HAD PLANNED ON USING UP AND A GREAT RUNNING CAR.

IF I WASN'T SITTING WAITING SENIOR LUNCH LINE DOING NOTHING IT PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE OCCURRED TO ME.

HAD THE SMALL LUNCH AND EAR OF CORN.  I'M FEELING AMBITIOUS.  EMPTY CITY WATER TRUCK PARKED IN MY SPOT MORE ANXIETY SO I'M PARKED OLD SPOT.  I CAN GO SUNNYVALE SMOG. 

SITTING AT GREEN SMOG.  ANXIETY.  GAVE HIM MY LUNCH SLICE CANTALOUPE.  ONE MAN OPERATION TODAY.  COME ON ERIC.  OH, WELL DIDN'T PASS.  I CALLED CARLOS TO ASK HIS ADVICE BAD OXYGEN SENSOR HE SAID BRING IT NEXT WEEK MON OR TUE.  MONDAY MEMORIAL HOLIDAY SO TUE.  HE SAID HIS EYE SURGERY GOOD.  WHEN I GOT THERE NO CUSTOMERS WHEN I LEFT 2 CARS.

I PICKED UP 2/1 WHOPPER BK DINNER.  SO GOOD.  3 CHIPS.  CORN, BBQ, PLAIN.

I MADE THE BEST HONEY COFFEE BY ACCIDENT.  I ADDED WHAT I THOUGHT WAS INSTANT COFFEE TO HONEY WATER.  WHEN IT DIDN'T DISSOLVE I RAN IT THROUGH A FILTER IT WAS DELICIOUS.  THE HONEY AND COFFEE ARE AT LEAST 10 YRS OLD.  I CAN USE MAPLE SYRUP, ANYTHING SWEET. 

I'M DONE FOR THE DAY

STILL HERE

I WOKE WITH A FLASHBACK OF BEING 4 YRS OLD.  I GUESS THE CHILD I WAS IS STILL WITH ME.  I CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT NOW.   I'M SNACKING MY CHEERIOS AND CONSOLING MYSELF.  THE BULLIES ARE GONE.

WATCHING JAMIE OLIVER 8;30 CHANNEL 5.3 MAKES ME FEEL HAPPY.  I LIKE THE SPEED AND SIMPLICITY OF HIS COOKING.  GETTING WHAT I WANT REASSURES ME.  I'M CREATING THE LIFE I WANT.

*AILEEN 2 PUT HER GREEN BIN IN FRONT OF MY CAR BLOCKING ME SO I MOVED IT IN FRONT OF THE GARAGE WITH MY GARBAGE AND RECYCLE.

LEFT THE LAPTOP AT HOME.  $TORE I GOT CHIPS, MOUTH WASH, FISH OIL, SHIELDS, ENGINE TREATMENT.  I'M STILL WORRYING OVER SMOG CHECK.  I GIVE IT TO GOD.  WORRY LATER.  DROVE BENTON.

I UPDATED MY BILLS, READ DAILY WORD AND JOSEPH CONRAD.  BEAUTIFUL DESCRIPTIONS.  PAID DISCOVER BY PHONE.  PICKED UP FOOD.  SOY SAUCE CHICKEN, BROWN RICE, SLAW I ADDED PEANUTS.  HAD TO DRIVE AROUND PARKED CARS AND TRUCK IN NO PARKING PICK UP CONES.  WENT TO BURGER KING DOUBLE CHEESE BURGER DINNER.  SMALL BURGER.  FRIES AND COKE GOOD.

CAME HOME I HAD TO LAUGH *AILEEN 2 MOVED GREEN BIN IN FRONT OF HER HOUSE BEHIND MY SPACE.

I HAVEN'T FELT THIS GOOD IN A LONG TIME.  I'M ALL STRETCHED OUT.  AND I FOUND THE TWO DONUTS I BOUGHT FRIDAY THAT I THOUGHT I ALREADY ATE. 

FEAR AND DREAD

WOKE WITH TRADITION.  NOW THE ENTIRE WORLD IS SHARING MY EXPERIENCE.  THE 12 YEARS I SPENT TAKING CARE OF MY PARENTS.  THE PANIC WITH EACH EMERGENCY.  THE DREAD AND FEAR, ANTICIPATION OF THE NEXT UNKNOWN CRISIS. 

THIS COVID VIRUS IS A HUGE EQUALIZER.  THOUSANDS IF NOT MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE LIVING EVERY DAY WITH UNRELENTING STRESS.  THE THOUSANDS OF HORROR STORIES DEPICTED IN MONSTER MOVIES HAVE BEEN DWARFED BY REALITY.  THE MADE UP REALITY TV SHOWS ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO LIFE TODAY.

i continue

I'M A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP.  MY JOB ISN'T DONE YET.

NOW I'M GLAD.  I JUST MADE A GREAT LUNCH.  I TOOL A HO HUM SENIOR SANDWICH AND MADE IT MWAH, KISSABLE.   I USED THE BURGER KING HONEY MUSTARD DIPPING SAUCE TO DRESS THE ARUGULA I ADDED.  I PEELED THE DARK RED APPLE ALMOST BLACK.  BBQ CHIPS FOR DESSERT.

I WAS FEELING IN THE MOOD FOR A DONUT FOR BREAKFAST BUT I WAS STILL HUNGRY AND HAD MY CHEERIOS TOO.  SUGAR MAKES ME HUNGRIER.  I GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT APERITIF.

😈EVELYN-EVIL LYNN CAME TO THE FRONT DOOR HER COVID MASK HANGING OFF HER FACE.  KNOCKED, DOOR BELL, OLDER DARK GRAY PICK UP TRUCK PARKED BLOCKING DRIVEWAY.  I WENT AND PUT ON MASK.  SHE OFFERED YARD WORK, HAUL AWAY IN BAGS (WHEN SHE COULD USE BINS), IDEA OF MAKING MONEY POTTING CACTI FOR REBUILDING FENCE.  I TOLD HER I COULDN'T STAND SHE DOESN'T LISTEN.  THEN SHE OFFERED TO COME IN 'AND HELP'.  NO.  I ALREADY HAVE MITZI RELIEVING ME OF STUFF.  SAID NEXT DOOR KNOWS HER BUT SHE DIDN'T KNOW NAMES DAVE OR BETTY TODD.  DESCRIBED HIM INSTEAD.  SHE LOOKS LIKE A HUSTLER DRESSED IN JEANS, OVERWEIGHT.😈  IF SHE DOESN'T COME BACK I KNOW IT'S A SCAM.

PEOPLE ARE JUST SO BORED.  NO WHERE TO SHOP SPEND MONEY.  LOOKING FOR ANYTHING TO DO.

DAD HATED ALL WORK AND YARD WORK THE MOST AS THE OLDEST SON OF A LAZY ALCOHOLIC HE TENDED THE FAMILY VEGETABLE GARDEN.  I WAS THE ONLY ONE WITH A YARD.  BOTH MY SISTERS CUT EVERYTHING DOWN.  I WAS THE ONLY ONE EVER CUT THE LAWN, WATERED PLANTS WHEN THEY WENT ON VACATION.  SO THEY PICKED ME TO TAKE CARE OF THEM.

more stretching

GYMS NOT INCLUDED IN RE OPENINGS.  I MISS IT SO MUCH.  WHEN I WAS BED RIDDEN THAT WAS THE HARDEST.  NOT BEING ABLE TO DIGEST ANYTHING WAS TOUGH BUT NOT EXERCISING FELT LIKE DEATH.  I COULDN'T SIT OR STAND WITHOUT MY BACK COLLAPSING.  MY BLOOD PRESSURE AND SUGAR WOULD DROP, I'D GET FAINT.  LYING FLAT ON MY BACK I'D WATCH TV, TOO WEAK TO HOLD A BOOK.  I'D LIE IN BED TRYING TO STRETCH AND WEAR MYSELF OUT.  MY MUSCLES WERE HORRIBLY LOCKED UP.  THE NERVES WERE RIPPED UP.  IN RIPPING THE MUSCLES THEY LOCKED IN AN ATTEMPT TO PRESERVE THE INTEGRITY OF THE BODY BUT THEN I WAS UNABLE TO STRETCH THE INJURED MUSCLES. 

EVER SO SLOWLY I'M HEALING CELL BY CELL.  FEELING TIRED ALL THE TIME AS THE WASTE PRODUCTS OF INJURED TISSUE ARE DISCARDED.  I'M SO MUCH BETTER.

I WENT AND PICKED UP LUNCH AFTER WALKING SCU SAFEWAY AND RESTING OUTSIDE MISSION LIBRARY.  I MISS MY LIBRARIES.  SO MUCH OF MY TIME WAS IN LIBRARIES.

10;11 SITTING SENIORS-12;15 SCAM

I TOOK MY TIME GETTING TO HOMESTEAD SAFEWAY FOR FREE COUPON BABY ARUGULA AND PICKED UP FREE ASPIRIN, ANTACID, PASTA, 2 DONUTS, DRIED WHITE BEANS, 12 FEET EXTENSION CORD $1.44 WITH GAME ENTRY.  LAST NIGHT I THOUGHT I WANTED ANOTHER CORD, ONE FOR LIVING ROOM AND ONE FOR KITCHEN.

SCAM 12;15 VOICEMAIL ABOUT SUBSCRIPTION FROM 833-719-0489.  I LISTENED TO IT NO IDENTIFICATION OF COMPANY OR SUBJECT.  GENERIC WOMAN'S RECORDING SAYING SUBSCRIPTION RUNNING OUT AUTOMATIC RENEWAL OR QUESTIONS CALL NUMBER.  I TRIED REVERSE PHONE BOOK NUMBER DOESN'T EXIST.

dreading della

I DON'T KNOW WHY EXCEPT FOR THE LIES.  I GUESS THERE'S TOO MUCH BAD HISTORY AND SHE SYMBOLIZES ALL OF IT.  TOM'S CHEATING WAYS AND THE FAMILY ENCOURAGING HIM.  WHAT BETTER WAY TO ENSLAVE HIM TO HIS BASE TENDENCIES, TRAITS THEY CONDEMNED IN THE REST OF THE WORLD.  THE FAMILY GIVES HIM SPECIAL DISPENSATION IN ORDER TO CRIPPLE AND ENSLAVE HIM.

AND TODAY MOM'S 19TH DEATH-A-VERSARY.  ANOTHER HYPOCRITE.

COVID IS FORCING RESPECT FOR CARE GIVERS, TEACHERS, PUBLIC SERVANTS, SALES CLERKS.

MAKE ROOM FOR DADDY.  THE DANNY THOMAS SHOW.  LEBANESE.  ST JUDE CHILDREN'S HOSPITALS.  THE HUMAN DILEMMA.  I'M DISTRACTING MYSELF.  EARLY MORNING HAS OLDIES.  I LIKE THEM THE BEST.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE POPULARITY OF MOST MODERN SHOWS.  I LIKE THE GAME AND QUIZ SHOWS LEARNING MORE ABOUT THIS PLANET.

I DROVE TO COSTCO AT 8 CLOSED.  WAITED 15 AND THEN LOOK AROUND GRO-O, WALMART FREE MULTI VITAMINS $2.25 HALF LEMON PEPPER CHICK.

DELLA HALF HOUR CHAT FOR 4 FILTERS FOR SOME REASON SHE GAVE ME EMPTY BOX I'LL USE FOR RECYCLE.  PRICE FOR 'FREE' FILTERS.  LURED BY PROMISE OF DELIVERY RECANTED.

VF SAFEWAY REDEEM 5 FREE VEGS, SENIOR LUNCH LINE 10;11.

HOME FOR LITTLE LUNCH WITH 'MEDIUM'.  I SIGNED UP FOR TACO SALAD AGAIN.  WHEN I MENTIONED THE RAW ONIONS THEY GOT ME THE HOT MEAL.  LIFE IS A SINE WAVE.  IF I CAN'T BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME I WANT MY SINE WAVE TO CLIMB UP THE Y-AXIS.

MY SNEEZING AND RUNNY NOSE IS GONE.

'I REMEMBER MAMA' 1948 IRENE DUNN.  SHOWS HOW A LOVING FAMILY BEHAVES.

MOM ANXIETY

MY BODY IS REMEMBERING THE PANIC AND SADNESS OF MOM'S DEATH-A-VERSARY. 

slow internet 5/11 MONDAY

MAYBE LOADED.  HEAVY TRAFFIC.

PAID CITY DUE TOMORROW.  TOOK HALF HOUR.  FEELING SHAKY.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.  STILL TRYING TO PLAY PCH TOKEN GAME.

I'M ALONE LEARNING TO DO FOR ME TO THE EXCLUSION OF ANYONE ELSE.  I'VE ALWAYS TAKEN CARE OF EVERYONE ELSE.  NO MORE.  I HAVE TO LET THE WORLD BE WHAT IT IS.  I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A PROACTIVE FIXER BEFORE THEY EVER MADE UP THE WORD.  THAT'S ON ME.  IF ANYONE ELSE IS AROUND I PUT MYSELF LAST.  I MUST LEARN TO PUT MYSELF FIRST.  I'M NUMBER ONE!!

WATCHING FORREST GUMP LAST NIGHT I WAS REMINDED GLOBAL WARMING, MOST OF THE ILLS OF THE WORLD WOULDN'T EXIST IF WE WERE MORE RESPECTFUL OF WHAT WE HAVE.  THE HUMAN HABIT IS TO DENIGRATE WHAT WE HAVE TO MOVE ON AND UP LEVEL.  GRATITUDE IS IGNORED

LOVE , REAL LOVE HAS RESPECT.  I GUESS PEOPLE DON'T RESPECT THE ONLY PLANET WE HAVE.  WE DON'T LOVE WHERE WE LIVE WE'LL LOSE IT.

WASHED MY HAIR, COULDN'T TOLERATE SMELL AND GREASE.  I MUST HAVE BEEN IN SHOCK TO GO A MONTH.  IT WASN'T TOO HARD MANEUVERING.  I HAVE SUCH HORRIBLE MEMORIES OF MOM CRITICIZING ME FOR WASHING MY HAIR ONCE A WEEK WHILE MITZI WASHED HER HAIR EVERY DAY.  MOM INTERRUPTING MY BATH TO TELL ME TO GET OUT.  FINDING MOM DEAD IN THE TUB.  THIS DEATH A-VERSARY WEEK.  I'D CONSCIOUSLY FORGOTTEN.  THEN BEING BEDRIDDEN AND WHAT A GIGANTIC JOB JUST TO BATHE.  I'D HAVE TO REST DOING ANYTHING.  TOOK ME HOURS.  CAN'T LET MY HAIR AIR DRY IN THE WIND.  POLLEN BLOWING.  GOOD FOR PLANTS BAD FOR SNEEZING.

STOPPED AT SC PANERA FOR STEAK ARUGULA REGULAR SIZE SANDWICH, CRANBERRY ORANGE MUFFIN, CHOCOLATE CROISSANT COMPARISON.  DIFFERENT SITES DIFFERENT MENUS.  I THOUGHT SC LESS GOOD AND I'M RIGHT.  SV TASTES BETTER.

GOT TO SENIORS 9;55 #3 CAR.  IF I DIDN'T HAVE THIS MOTIVATION I PROBABLY WOULD GIVE UP BLOGGING.  THIS IS SO PERFECT SITTING IN CAR.

HAD A NAP.  DREAMED OF CATHY IN HAWAII.  SHE CHOOSES NOT TO BAIL OUT DRUG DEALING JAILED UNCLE.

TV

OR NOT TV.

I LIKE RESTING IN THE QUIET.  I HAD MANY DREAMS OF COMMERCIALS.  PEOPLE ASKING FOR MONEY.  LAST COMMERCIAL I BELIEVED WAS WHEN I WAS 8 AND BEGGED MY MOM FOR SHREDDED WHEAT AND I HAD TO EAT THE ENTIRE BOX MYSELF.  AND I LEARNED IF IT WAS SOMETHING GOOD THEY'D TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME.  BUT IF IT WAS BAD THEY'D LORD IT OVER ME.. 

RECEPTION IS IFFY ON TV AND INTERNET.  I'VE BEEN TRYING TO PLAY SCRATCHES SINCE LAST NIGHT AND JUST DID ON COUCH. 

OH... MY FEELING OF DISCOMFORT TODAY JOSIE ROMERO B-DAY.  SHE WENT TO THE DARK SIDE.  SHE HAS LOTS OF COMPANY.  MOST PEOPLE CHOOSE COMPANY OVER COMFORT.  SAM ALMOST KILLED A YOUNG WOMAN TRYING TO IMPRESS HER BY DRIVING IN THE DARK NIGHT INTO A FLOODED RIVER TO HIS REMOTE CABIN.  THEY SPENT HOURS, WATER UP TO THEIR NECKS, PERCHED ON THE ROOF OF HIS TRUCK CALLING FOR HELP UNTIL ONCE IT GOT LIGHT SOMEONE SAW AND RESCUED THEM.  AND HE WAS BRAGGING ABOUT IT LIKE STUPIDITY WAS AN ACCOMPLISHMENT.  PIONEERS SET UP CAMP EVERY NIGHT TO AVOID DRIVING OFF CLIFFS IN THE DARK.  MARTINA 25 YEARS YOUNGER WAS STILL WITH HIM AND NO WISER.  ONE OF HIS MANY CONQUESTS. 

I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT SAM, DIETER, KLAUS, BOB DI.  TOO UNPLEASANT.  I RAN INTO THEM ONE TIME AND THEY WERE BRAGGING ABOUT PASSING AROUND SOME CATHY GIRL LIKE AN OLD COAT.   THEY SUPPOSEDLY ALL HAD SEX WITH HER USED HER AND PASSED HER ON.  LEARNED TO DISRESPECT AND DISCARD GIRLS FROM THEIR MOTHERS.

I KNEW SAM WAS A PLAYER RUNNING INTO HIM IN BLINKY'S BAR AND HE TRIED TO IMPRESS ME WITH HIS LOTTO WIN.  HE SAID HE WAS EMBARRASSED TO GO TO THE 20 YR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION SINCE HE DIDN'T HAVE A JOB.  SUCH A LIAR.  HE RENTED A SUITE FOR HIS FRIENDS AT THE HOTEL, INVITED ME BUT I DIDN'T HAVE 150 TO WASTE.  HE DIDN'T OFFER TO PAY FOR MY TICKET.   AND ALL HIS FRIENDS KNEW HE'D WON.  HE PRETENDED HE DIDN'T WANT TO SAY HOW MUCH BUT THEN BRAGGED ABOUT MEETING THE DALAI LAMA FOR A 25,000 TITHE.  SO $250,000 THEN HE ACCUSED HIS MOM OF TELLING ME.  TITHE=10%, DUH.  AMAZED 'GOOD' CATHOLIC BOY DIDN'T KNOW.  THEN I KNEW HE'D THROW ANYONE UNDER THE BUS EVEN HIS DOTING MOM THAN STAND UP LIKE A MAN.  HER PRAYERS FINANCED HIS LIFESTYLE KEPT HIM ALIVE.. 

ANOTHER TIME HE'S TELLING ME OF A NIGHTTIME (RED FLAG) BUS RIDE IN MEXICO.  TOURISTS ARE ADVISED TO ONLY TRAVEL DAYLIGHT HOURS BUT HE LOOKS INDIAN DESPITE KNOWING NO SPANISH THE BUS IS HIJACKED AT RIFLE POINT.  THEY GO DOWN THE CENTER AISLE COLLECTING VALUABLES HE HIDES $300 IN HIS SOCK.  THEN THEY START PULLING PEOPLE OFF TO SEARCH ONE BY ONE.  BEATING THE HOLD OUTS.  AS THE BANDITS APPROACH HIS SEAT THE FEDERALES SHOW UP FOR A GUN FIGHT.  HE DOESN'T SEE HIS DANGEROUS CHOICES.  HE THINKS HE'S LUCKY.  I THINK HE HAD A DEATH WISH.

TOM=SAM.

brita filter

MY NEW OBSESSION.  I'M AMAZINGLY OUT OF STOCK.  I ALWAYS FOUND THEM ON THE CHEAP.  NOT TODAY.  I USED TO LOVE HUNTING FOR BARGAINS.  NOT TODAY.  I DON'T WANT TO GO ANYWHERE. 

I CALLED TOM AND WISHED HIM HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TALKED TO DELLA.  WHEN HE ASKED IF I NEEDED ANYTHING I ASKED IF CVS HAD BRITA FILTERS AND HE OFFERED TO BRING THEM.  I SAID MAYBE I'D CHECK WALGREEN'S AND HE SAID HE GETS 20% OFF.  SOLD.

I'M FEELING UNCERTAIN.  LADY CAME TO DOOR ASKING FOR CACTUS I SAID HELP YOURSELF SHE HANDED ME $10.  I THANKED HER VERY MUCH.  HALF THE COST OF 4 FILTERS.  I CONSIDERED SENDING MONEY TO CATHY BUT LAST TIME SHE DIDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE SO NO. 

I'M NOT USED TO GOOD THINGS.  I'M FEELING ANXIOUS.  MAYBE TOO TIRED.  I'VE BEEN DRIVING MYSELF.  ANOTHER BAD LEARNED HABIT.  I'M STILL CONTEMPLATING BUYING SMOKES.  COUPON EXPIRES 6/30.

COURSE IN MIRACLES IS ALL ABOUT UNLEARNING.  I ATE HALF PANERA TURKEY WITH MARMALADE.  THEY'RE BAKING SMALLER LOAVES AND PUTTING TWO SMALL SANDWICHES TOGETHER TO MAKE A WHOLE.  GRAPE JELLY IS FANTASTIC.

CATHY CALLED WHILE I WAS THINKING OF HER 12;30.  TALKED FOR AN HOUR.  SHE STARTS NEW JOB NEXT WEEK TEACHING COMPUTER IN HOMES.  SHE BOUGHT USED CAR.  SHE'S BETTER BRIGHTER.

8;30 PM PANERA ARQUES ALMOST GAVE ME TH $12+ SANDWICHES FREE.  I ORDERED OVER THE PHONE AND WHEN I DROVE UP SHE CAME OUT WITH THE BAG.  I COULD HAVE DRIVEN AWAY BUT SHE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE TO PAY FOR IT. 

1986 GILROY

MEMORIES OF AILEEN CALLING ME ON PHONE AT ALL HOURS TELLING ME DAD MOLESTED HER AT 13 WHILE BRAGGING OF HER AFFAIR WITH LARRY'S FRIEND THEIR LAWYER.  AND SHE PRESSURED ME THROUGH MOM TO CLEAN HER HOUSE AND WATCH HER KIDS WHILE SHE CARRIED ON HER CHEATING.  I BEGGED HER TO GET THERAPY.  SHE LIED SAYING SHE CONSULTED A COUNSELOR WHO TOLD HER IT WAS TOO LONG AGO.  I TOLD HER THAT'S A LOUSY COUNSELOR.

IN 1998 WHEN DAD WAS MOANING AND COMPLAINING HE DIDN'T DESERVE HIS MANUFACTURED FRACTURED SPINE I CONFRONTED HIM ON THE MOLESTATION AND HE SAID AILEEN FORCED HERSELF ON HIM.  I TOLD HIM NO EXCUSE HE WAS THE ADULT.  I TOLD AILEEN I CONFRONTED HIM AND SHE SAID I HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THAT, IT WASN'T MY BUSINESS.  I TOLD HER IT BECAME MY BUSINESS WHEN SHE TOLD ME.

DAD FRACTURED HIS SPINE WHILE ON A SENIOR GAMBLING TRIP.  HE'D BEEN COMPLAINING OF HAVING TO CARRY MOM'S STUFF.  I TOLD MITZI WHO BOUGHT TWO MATCHING BAGS WHICH HE REFUSED TO USE.  THEY BROUGHT BACK DOZENS OF FREE TOKEN KEY CHAINS, PENS, BOTTLES OF WATER, DECKS OF USED PLAYING CARD ETC. 

I DID IT.  5 OFF 15 AT PANERA 2 TURKEY.  STOPPED AT TARGET FOR BABY ARUGULA GIFT CARD COVER LONG ZEBRA STRIP.  AND SENIOR 9;46 4TH IN LINE.  LITTLE BEVERLY WAS BEHIND ME AND MOVED CONES TO LEAVE.  LOL, I JUST NOTICED LITTLE BEVER WHILE TYPING.  SOUNDS LIKE NATIVE NAME.

I MUST REMEMBER NOT TO USE MY HAND TO BRUSH AWAY DUST.  I HAVE CLEANING CLOTHS THAT DON'T AFFECT THE SCREEN.  SCARE MYSELF NOT KNOWING WHAT IT IS. 

I'M GOING THROUGH BAGS AND PAPERS FROM 2014-15.  I'VE BEEN UNAWARE I'VE BEEN DEEP IN DEPRESSION.  IT'S SO NORMAL FOR MY FAMILY.  AND THE LAYERS CONTINUE.

THIS MORNING I'M REMEMBERING AILEEN 1985-86 AND GILROY.  SHE WAS LIVING IN PRUNEDALE.  SHE BADGERED MOM INTO PRESSURING ME TO CLEAN HER HOUSE AND WATCH HER KIDS SOMETIMES PICKING THEM UP FROM SCHOOL SO SHE COULD HAVE HER AFFAIR WITH LARRY'S FRIEND THEIR LAWYER.  AND HER GIRLFRIEND DUFFY COVERED FOR HER.  SHE HAD ME CLEAN THE TRACKS IN HER SLIDING WINDOWS YET SCREAMED AT ME FOR CLEANING THE TOP OF THE FRIDGE ACCUSING ME OF SNOOPING. 

AILEEN USES EVERYONE.  SHE MUST BE VERY LONELY. 

THE NIGHT SHE MET LARRY, LORRAINE'S BOYFRIEND AT THE TIME, SHE WOKE ME UP FROM A SOUND SLEEP TO TELL ME SHE'D MARRY HIM BECAUSE SHE COULD TWIST HIM AROUND HER FINGER.  I DIDN'T THINK TWICE ABOUT IT.  IT WAS SO AILEEN.  SHE'D LIE TO EVERYONE AND I'D GET PUNISHED FOR THE TRUTH.  WHEN I TOLD MOM I'D GET IT FROM BOTH OF THEM SO I LEARNED TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.  NO WONDER I SPENT SO MUCH TIME IN BOOKS.

SITTING IN LINE IS VERY THERAPEUTIC FOR ME.  16 CRUNCHES AND A LOT OF THERAPY.  I PLAN AND CLEAR UP BILLS.   READ TO MY HEART'S CONTENT.

A COURSE IN MIRACLES

WE'RE LIVING A COURSE IN MIRACLES.  WE'RE REQUIRED TO THINK A LOT  DIFFERENTLY.  NOT JUST THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX BUT NO BOX.

THE FIRST FEW CHAPTERS ARE EXERCISES IN RE THINKING.  THE WAY I FOUND IT WAS FIRST ON A GREETING CARD FROM A NEW AGE BOOKSTORE.  THE HEALER'S PRAYER;

              I AM HERE ONLY TO BE TRULY HELPFUL.  I AM HERE TO REPRESENT HE WHO SENT ME.  I NEED NOT WORRY ABOUT WHAT TO SAY OR WHAT TO DO FOR HE WHO SENT ME WILL DIRECT ME....PAGE 24 TEXT.

THEN 1986 IN THE GILROY GAVILAN HILLS CHURCH I HELPED CREATE I JOINED THE COURSE IN MIRACLES GROUP.  I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO DO THE 365 DAYS.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHEN IT'S SO EASY.  I MADE AN INDEX CARD WITH THE DAILY EXERCISE/LESSON AND READ THE 2 PAGES OF MATERIAL.

I FOUND ONLY THE TEXT BOOK.  THE WORK BOOK AND TEACHERS MANUAL AREN'T ON THE BOOKSHELF.  LOTS OF EMPTY SPACES.

tylophora dries beautifully in car.

I CALLED WALTER 23+ MINUTES.  HE DOESN'T COMMUNICATE AS MUCH AS REHASH.  HE STATES THAT WHICH HE KNOWS I ALREADY KNOW.  I DON'T GET THAT.  I DREAD TALKING TO HIM.  IT'S CONSTANTLY BRINGING HIM BACK TO THE PRESENT.  HE GETS A TAPE ROLLING OF PSEUDO CONVERSATION.  HE ITEMIZES HIS PLANTS.  MINUTELY DETAILS HIS ACTIONS.  TALKS OF PEOPLE SMOKING POT AND TOBACCO.  DOESN'T SEEM TO KNOW HOW TO HAVE A MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION.

I'LL CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR HIM.

MAYBE TODAY

I WANT TO CALL WALTER.  MONDAY WOULD HAVE BEEN HIS DAD'S B-DAY.  I FOCUSED ON MY LIFE.  MONOPOLY ENDED YESTERDAY.  TALKING TO HIM I'LL SHIFT GEARS, MY ENERGY WILL CHANGE.  SO FAR IT DRAGS ME BACK TO DARK TIMES.  WE'LL SEE.

MY HIPS ARE HORRIBLY PAIN FILLED.  I SLEPT DEEPLY WITHOUT NECK ROLL.  I'M STRETCHING AND MOVING TO GET CIRCULATION TO MY HIPS AND LEGS AND MASSAGING MY FEET AND TOES. 

I LOVE THE LUXURY OF TAKING TIME TO ENJOY BEING.  IT'S HARD NOT OVERDOING.  THE MORE I DO THE BETTER I FEEL UNTIL I HAVE TO STOP AND THEN I JUST COLLAPSE.  IMPLODE.  WHAT I HAVE IN COMMON WITH ROBERT KKUP.  WHENEVER HE WAS UPSET HE'D IMPLODE.  ONE OF THE MANY PEOPLE I PRAY FOR.  SEEING THEM IN THE LIGHT.  I FEEL CONNECTIONS WITH CERTAIN PEOPLE NOT ALWAYS RECOGNIZING WHAT IT IS.  LIKE WALTER.  BUT THAT I KNOW.  WE TOOK CARE OF PARENTS, CRITICIZED BY THOSE TOO LAZY OR MEAN TO HELP. 

10;16 AT CORNER IN SHADE LUNCH LINE.  THEY FINALLY POSTED JEFFERSON NO PARKING TOO AND TODAY THE CONES GO AROUND TO FREMONT.  THEY PUT UP CONES 10 AM. 

LUNCH WAS LITTLE I HAD A SEAFOOD SALAD TOO.  I'VE BEEN CLEARING 2014.  I'VE BEEN DEPRESSED AND ILL.  I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TRIGGERED IT.  I'M SURFACING.  IT'S LIKE BEING IN THE OCEAN. 

I PUT MY BOOTS AWAY AND MY COLD WEATHER CLOTHES.  I USED TO DO THE SEASONS EVERY YEAR. 

LUNCH DILEMMA

I DROPPED OFF DONUT AND FRENCH BREAD AT TOKI'S.  ALMOST GOT MORE BREAD AND DONUTS AT SCU SAFEWAY, REMEMBERED $3 CREDIT AND JUST REDEEMED FREE TICKET PIECES.  LAST DAY TO PICK UP.  28TH FOR FREEBIES.  I FEEL VERY RICH.  I DON'T HAVE TO REDEEM.  AND YESTERDAY I FILLED ONE BAG WITH ANCIENT DEFROSTED FOOD INTO DISCARD BIN.

WENT TO SCU SAFEWAY ARRIVED SENIORS 9;49 4TH CAR MEATLOAF LUNCH.  OPENED TICKETS.  MAYBE I'LL GO HOMESTEAD.  I NEED NOT WORRY OVER WHAT TO SAY OR DO. 

HOMESTEAD I GOT GAME PIECES AND LOOKED AROUND STORE.  I HAVE $4 CREDIT TO USE.  DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING I LIKED.  WENT HOME OPENED TICKETS.  FOR DINNER I MADE RED, WHITE GREEN PASTA, WITH OLIVES AND FREE LUCKY'S SHAVED CHEESE.  I HAD 12 MORE FREE TICKETS.  8;30 I WENT MARIA AND BOUGHT 2 SEAFOOD SALADS.  USED MY 4 DOLLAR CREDIT AND A FEW MORE TICKETS. 

HOME 9;30.

 

SENSIBLY SORE

YESTERDAY USED MASTER SHOWER.  HAD TO MOVE UPRIGHT FAN AND BACK AGAIN.  NEEDED WRENCH TO OPEN COLD WATER.  STUCK.  I WAS OK.  I DIDN'T GET DEPRESSED OR UPSET.  I WAS FINE WITH IT.  MY FEET ARE TINGLING.

HAD TROUBLE STAYING ASLEEP, 4;30 WATCHED DUDLEY MOORE COMEDY HOUND OF BASKERVILLES AND DREAMED OF LOVELY PICNIC IN PARK. 

I WENT TO CITIBANK PAID CARD, STAR ONE COULDN'T REMEMBER WHERE ATM CARD IN FOLDER, TOLD MYSELF IF DONE BY 9;30 HOME SAFEWAY FOUND NEW PENNY GOT TICKETS AND YOGURT, BK FOUND OLD PENNY IMPOSSIBLE BURGER, SENIORS, OPENED TICKETS 8 MORE TICKETS. 

WHOA!!  I BRUSHED LINT OFF BOARD AND IT JUMPED SCREEN SHOWED BUNCH OF PAGES.  SCARED MYSELF. 

ONE TICKET $2 OFF.  I LIKE THOSE.  I HAD ONE AT THE BEGINNING OF GAME AND FORGOT.  WHEN CUSTOMER SERVICE RANG UP MY CLEARANCE ITEMS SHE DID IT 3 TIMES WHEN MY TOTAL WAS ZERO.  AT HOME LATER ENTERING TICKETS I REMEMBERED. 

i'll be alone

WHEN AUNTIE IS GONE.  DELORIS LUCAS PROJECTED LOVE AND I CAN FEEL AUNTIE LOVES ME EVEN 3.000 MILES AWAY.  MAYBE THIS TIME IS FOR SORTING THROUGH MY EMOTIONAL LIFE MORE THAN MY THINGS TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN THE USERS AND HELPERS.  THOSE WHO SUSTAIN ME AND THOSE WHO DEPLETE ME.  WHY THOSE AROUND ME UP LEVEL AND I SEEM TO STAY THE SAME.  I'M EXHAUSTED.  I FEEL THE WELL HAS RUN DRY.

MY TV SHOWS AND MOVIES PITIFULLY BARELY SUSTAIN MY NEED FOR LOVE.  HUMANS NEED EMOTION TO SURVIVE. ENERGY IN MOTION.  WHEN THERE ISN'T LOVE ANOTHER EMOTION IS REQUIRED FOR SIMPLE SURVIVAL.  THAT'S WHERE FEAR, ANGER AND HATE PERVERT THE HUMAN CONDITION.  ANGER AND HATE DESTROY.  LOVE SUSTAINS AND FLOURISHES.  FEAR IS THE SIMPLEST EASIEST.  WE'RE BORN KNOWING FEAR.  PEOPLE FLOCK TO SCARY, THRILLER, HORROR, UGLY STORIES TO GET THEIR ENERGY FIX.  AN ADDICTION VERSUS LIFE SUSTAINING.

WE ARE LOVE.  LOVE IS SUSTAINING.  WHEN IT'S RETURNED IT BECOMES A CYCLE OF HEALTH AND HEALING.  WHEN ENERGY ONLY GOES IN ONE DIRECTION IT IS DEPLETED.  ON TO THE NEXT FIX.

ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS WERE ATTEMPTS AT LIVING IN LOVE.  EXPLAINS WHY PEOPLE HATE THE SIMPLE.  MY FAMILY HATED THE LOVE I AM.  THEY NEEDED ME TO FEED OFF OF.  EXPLAINS THE ISOLATION. THEY NEEDED ME TO THEMSELVES.  MY GRAVITATING TO PEOPLE WHO COULDN'T LOVE ME ONLY USED ME.  CRITICISM AND ABANDONMENT.  ADDICTION ALWAYS DEMANDS BIGGER AND BIGGER DOSES I COULDN'T PROVIDE.  THE BETRAYAL IN THEIR SEARCH FOR MORE. IT WAS NEVER PERSONAL.  AND I WAS ADDICTED TO THE ONLY FAMILY I KNEW. 

1953-1955

WATCHING BETTY WHITE SHOW IS NOT FUNNY.  'LIFE WITH ELIZABETH' HUMOR IS BASED ON PEOPLE NOT KNOWING IT'S SUNDAY, INABILITY TO FUNCTION ON A BASIC LEVEL.  THEY ARGUE OVER NURSERY RHYMES, HOW TO PACK A SUITCASE.  JACK NARZ IS THE NARRATOR.  ELIZABETH AND ALVIN.

AND 'DATE WITH THE ANGELS'.   

I WOKE 4;30 IN PAIN FROM YESTERDAY'S 37 CRUNCHES.  I STRETCHED AND MOVED AROUND.  I TOOK DOWN THE LAUNDRY, FOLDED, PUT IT AWAY.  I'M CONSOLIDATING MY SEWING, THREADS , POCKET FABRICS.   

LOOKED THROUGH SOME OF MY DVD'S AND REALIZED MY COLLECTIONS WERE CHOSEN FOR COVID ISOLATION.  I HAVE CANNED FOOD, DRIED RICE, GRAINS PUT AWAY AND IT'S 'RAINING'.

FINALLY FINISHED FRUIT KOMBUCHA AND HAD HIVES.  NOT GOOD.  ONE LESS THING IN FRIDGE.

2ND FRIDAY#1 PRIORITY MY HEALTH

DAILY WORD SKIPPED WEDNESDAY SO THURSDAY 29 AND TWO FRIDAYS 30 AND 1.  THE FIRST ERROR EVER IN 44 YEARS. 

TODAY'S MOM B'DAY. 

I WENT CHASE NO PROBLEM THEN STAR ONE SCB CLOSED.  SO CUPERTINO?  I HAVE CHOICES.  ATM DEPOSIT.  I CHECKED PIN NUMBER.  DIDN'T KNOW HOW I WANTED TO PAY BILLS.  I'M OK.  MAYBE MONDAY.  MY EXPERIENCE WITH GREAT WESTERN BANK LOSING MY DEPOSITED CHECK AND NOT TRACKING IT.  I HAD TO CONTACT THE MARKETING COMPANY FOR A COPY OF THE CHECK PROVING IT HAD BEEN CASHED AND DEPOSITED TO SOMEONE ELSE.  TOOK ME SIX MONTHS AND NO INTEREST.  I HAD TO CALL MAYBE 15 BANKS CLEARING IT UP AND NO ONE AT GREAT WESTERN HAD THE GRACE TO APOLOGIZE OR HELP.  I CHANGED BANKS.

I THOUGHT OF SHOPPING BUT NO.  I'M FIXING ALL MY SEWING PROJECTS.  I DECIDED TO PEDAL WITH A TIMER SO NO OVER DO.  I STARTED TO WRITE OVER DUE.  WHEN I WAS BED RIDDEN I LAY IN BED AND DID WHAT I COULD MANAGE.  NOW BEING ABLE TO MOVE I TEND TO GO CRAZY WITH JOY AND SUFFER FOR IT LATER.  MY BODY NO LONGER BEING MUSCLE BOUND IS DOUGHIER.  MY STOMACH SEEMS MORE PROMINENT BUT I'M SURE IT'S THE SAME JUST MORE NOTICEABLE.  MY WEIGHT IS THE SAME.  DID 37 CRUNCHES.  MAN IS THE ONLY ANIMAL TO OVER DO.  HOW SMART IS THAT.

10;15 LUNCH LINE AROUND JEFFERSON.  IT'S FRIDAY.  I LOVE THIS QUIET TIME.  NO DISTRACTIONS OF OTHER THINGS TO DO. 

WATCHING A TERRIFYING HORRIFYING 'MEDIUM' VAMPIRE EPISODE I WALK INTO THE KITCHEN THE FRIDGE ISN'T RUNNING.  IT'S BEEN ON CONSTANTLY SINCE AILEEN TRIED TO TAKE IT 2002 RIPPED THE BOTTOM AND LEFT IT.  I START TO PANIC I NEED HELP AND DECIDE I CAN FREEZE WALTER'S ICE PACKS GARAGE FREEZER AND USE THEM.  THE BACK BEDROOM  COLD ENOUGH.  AND FRIDGE STARTED AGAIN.  IT PUT HORRIFYING TERRIFYING IN A NEW PERSPECTIVE.

I'M LIVING THE MODERN PIONEER LIFE.

1 PM I GOT DRESSED AND WILLING TO GO TO CUPERTINO BANKING.  I SAT IN CAR BLESSING MAILMAN.  I DON'T HAVE TO TODAY I CAN GO MONDAY MORNING.  I JUST HAVE TO BE WILLING. 

I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT SAFEWAY MONOPOLY.  HUGE SAFEWAY IN CUPERTINO.