my nightmares

are memories.  i'm remembering beatings.  i'm a skinny toddler.  mom grabbing me by one arm so i can't get away and hitting me until i retreated into myself.  alien tortured me to avoid beatings.  it satisfied mom to see me tortured.  we moved to isolate.  mom and dad tried to escape grandpa's suicide.  that's when dad started drinking.  auntie k wanted to adopt me to save my life. 

oh, my stomach and back are screaming.  i feel sick and exhausted.  that feeling of not wanting to move is the exhaustion after beatings.  the deep sadness is not being allowed to cry or more beatings.

nit and alien were always axis pretending to be my friend for their own benefit.  i was only a scapegoat to the family.  the mayan sacrificial offering.  my heart cut out on the altar of family preservation.

feels like a knife stabbing my right hip.  my lower back throbbing.  i'm waiting for herbs to take effect.  come on kava muscle relaxer.  i feel so cold.  

i arrived ad at 9;38.  took kava, willow, passion and it went well.  1 filling half deep cleaning half hour.  teeth slightly sore.  $260 so worth it.  second half $260 next month.