leisurely 7:30 free pasta

$5.59.  and I bought Mac nuts $5 on sale 'til 12/2.  I made oat meal added nuts.  senior puzzling to my heart's content.  tygj.

9:30 I'm feeling sad.  time to exercise and change my chemistry.  it always works naturally.  no chemicals no nasty side effects just better health.  I love love love taking my time.  

sloppy joe lunch good.  Fred, Toki, Salome.  Andy came and went very early.  Walter showed up I congratulated him on feeling.  we talked 'til 2.  I explained how the head brain is a computer to figure out how to get from here to there and the gut brain is the controller.  the gut generates health and dis ease.  the gut never lies or makes a mistake.  the head brain needs training like a dog to be happy.  gurus taught meditation to lead to happiness, nirvana, paradise.  the unintentional celebrity suicides are from head brains without discipline.  I told him I know for sure he can construct his happiness from his discipline and focus in accomplishing what he's already lived.  I'm so proud of him.  he's suffered like I've suffered.  he shared for the first time his dad's pre death visitations.  I told him about Elinore Geracci and he remembered George.  I told him how Elinore was concerned when George had visitations for 2 nights and he died the third night at 3 am after talking to people who predeceased him.  Walter cried remembering his dad talking to predeceased relations.  

chrome closed up shop-Today's Daily word NEW DIRECTION

chrome allowed restore.  I remembered to connect to the internet first.  I'm feeling jubilant.  the word popped into my head.  

I kept waking with a stomach mass of anxiety labeled 'license renewal.'  I know it really isn't.  it's just baby pain.  I calmed myself with loving thoughts and feelings.  they taught hate and humiliation.  they installed self sabotage.  I still have the dregs I'm processing.  I create loving chemicals and feel safe.  

I'm loving the coffee puzzle.  puns galore.  Cody brought a dozen new movies for me to check out I gave him my senior water.  I chose 4.  I'm waiting on holds at county to return book.  sunny holds expire today.  

I keep forgetting to mention self sabotage to Walter.  he showed up for lunch so i broached the subject.  he chose to joke and attack me recalling Patelco out of the blue.  i told him i felt attacked over something years ago.  it's good he's standing up for himself he just needs practice.  

Dino asked if I was going to bingo size.  I completely forgot and was ready to go home.   Whew!!  good exercise.

I came home and watched people puzzler, then sunny library 2 books and back home for person, place, thing.   

6:53 feeling it healing it

a clump of dark sinister energy in my ab.  I woke warm and fear filled.  a strange sensation.

I'm always trying to push God.  I have gutters to clean, license to renew, water soft to buy, etc.  and the old me was never allowed to trust God.  wasn't done in the house.  

EPIPHANY:  they were the gods.  WOW!!  they believed that.  explains so much.  this is why I blog.  I see my life from a whole new angle.  WHERE WAS GOD DURING THIS HELL?  dad molested Aileen who molested me and pimped me out for a date by maneuvering a double date.  she manipulated all of us to make me her whore.   and mom was so dumb?  she let it happen.  maybe she knew.  would explain her self punishment.

I'm ready for something good.   

6:55 seniors

after slippers and protein shake drop off to Jin.

I've reached a new block.  I'm turn it into a stepping stone.  

feeling sad I soothed myself with puzzling.  9 am I was soaking.  10 am I decided to change into workout clothes.  I stretched while puzzling.  11 am I put on my back brace for lunch.  good lunch Fred, Toki late and Diane.  lovely calm.  Walter came late and Amber talked making him even later.  then she chastised him for being late.  LOL.  I asked him if he wanted to talk and I showed him some stretches for his back and legs while puzzling.  then 1 pm I changed for bingo exercise and put everything in my car.  new behavior.  I won 2 bingo s.  home 2:40 for people puzzler.  I considered how I wanted to clean gutters.  perfect weather.  I was covered in cobwebs.  I used a sticky lint roller I've had for years without an occasion.  I thought about sunny sewing I have time.  I remembered the wheel page wouldn't load at lunch and I forgot it oh, well.    then person, place or thing at 4.  

relaxing evening.  

Blessed holy day-Jin Solis-forgot to pay Citibank I'm letting it go

I haven't seen her 6 months easy.  she taught me so much.  she's generous to a fault.  inclusive to anyone needing it.  she made boiled Eggland for the morning group.  and fried bananas.  she loaned me her souvenir slippers from Hawaii.  we traded info.  she lives Stardust ct 95050 rather than sunny like the Monacks.  so I was inspired to tub for 10 minutes.  99 degrees.  good stretch.  

11 am it's raining, it's pouring.  i decided to use the covered parking and internet at nob hill.  i want salad.  i said hi to me-me and almost overcharged myself again.  they fixed it.  I wore glasses this time.

home another wave of sadness for my fur babies.  unconditional love that helped me so much.  they always came to me.  i couldn't subject them to my childhood home and parents.  i gave them up for adoption.  my apartment neighbors loved them too.  i chose to minister to my parents.  i couldn't let my cats suffer my parents' abuse, cruelty and neglect.  they deserved better.  

my back is throbbing.  my hips and neck feel broken.  

my back feels broken again

I've been here before.  I can barely get up from sitting and getting in and out of the car is torture.  again.  Valentine's car collision I need to love me more.  the stronger the traumatic force the deeper it's driven into tissues and the longer it takes to surface if at all.  CBD allowed the family program through.

an hour to soak out the pain.  pain is practically gone tailbone on fire.

how ironic.  just as I finished loading my gym case the alarms went off.  and 10 am the fire truck arrived maybe 3 minutes.  4 men got out checked building and left.  15 minutes.  getting in and out of car still agony.

I walked Sprouts for clearance kids sack lunch $3.58.  

st just lunch Charity makes me feel so welcome and someone left frozen chick nuggets.  holiday dinner.  extra yogurt.  sitting in the library cafe area charging.  I watch dads with their daughters.  mine always wanted to be the baby.  the hero dads are obvious.  they look out for their children.  tired by 3 pm.  borrowed a movie and the newest Botswana book.  home I found some melted fruit that inspired me to take out garbage.  I watched TV 'til 9 then bed.  

2 am- I woke hungry and had the half kids sack turkey sandwich and BBQ chips.  so good to have what I want when I want it.  sisters are still playing denial games.  I brushed my teeth and went back to sleep.

6 am woke with a lump of sad fear in my belly.  baby energy I cradled, hugged and soothed.  

7:30 I'm crying with Arthur the King:  a true story movie about a dog reminding me of my furry family.  all of them are so loyal and loving unlike my human family.  when I borrowed it I didn't know why.  I needed to acknowledge the love that kept me alive.  

every addiction masks pain-Welsun

just like when i first started my rehab here.  I started playing on the puzzle table.  it allowed me to focus outside my pain.  

Welsun never allowed organized pieces.  he'd scatter every thing all over.  sorry Suzy.  I finally realize he did it to make it harder on everyone.  like Trumpers.  they enjoy All suffering.  even their own.

people are fun to watch from a distance.  everything looks good from a distance.  up close they can get you.