I'm forced to relax

I got to puzzle 10 minutes then Mr. annoying swooped.  tapping and clearing his throat.  how he expects the pieces to escape I don't know.  he must have been waiting watching.  motivation for me to rest and go home early for my game shows.  

I found 95 cents in the copier.  

I went to 24 early 8:30 am.  I soaked and stretched half hour.  lunch was fun watching Jennifer and staff manipulating food.  they held back so much I got extra veg balls more than in my meal.  then they played with complete dinners taking them out but giving only to certain people.  I actually enjoyed the show.  they had one dinner sitting out for half an hour then put it back.  

I went to main to puzzle for 10 minutes when annoying Puzzler came out making noises and clicking pieces so I sat and decided to pick up county movies.  Two Mules For Sister Sara.  

I came home watched People Puzzler, drove to nob hill for pizza, home to watch Person, Place or Thing.  I must be really tired I left my car key in the door and drove around.  home I baked the pizza for dinner.  not delivery Digiorno.  eh, on sale.  

aquafaba-bean water

the liquid in cooked garbanzo beans is a substitute for eggs.  

I'm making noise.  I'm finally comfortable with noise.  I was punished for everything.  my noise, other people's noise.  I was punished for breathing.  

after senior lunch I bought my low salt BBQ chips.  college Safeway clerks commented one liked low salt plain the other low salt BBQ I told them I mixed them and they were amazed.  life is simple.  

it's amazing how happy chips make me.  and my game shows.  

I decided to watch my game shows first then Sunny open 'til 6 pm to pick up movies and to puzzle.  I went to CUP 10 am after 24 fitness to pick up movies.  no game shows tonight.  central open tomorrow 'til 5.

I ate chips and forgot dinner.  my stomach was upset with me.  7 pm I came home from Sunny library and Sprouts and had split pea bacon soup and tofu ham.  my stomach OK.  

What a full day.  Funny You Should Ask I learned St Drogo patron for the ugly.  

doesn't take much to make me happy

Temptation game show.  'til noon Sale of the Century, Classic Concentration.  and I ate tofu ham for b'fast 2 dark chocolate truffles for dessert

at some point I want low salt BBQ chips and sunny dollar tree.  doesn't have to be today.  I'm relaxed feeling calm and content.  

I started clearing out the mouse condo.  I'm spraying alcohol and scent.

I've been so depressed.  I deserve an easier life.  Eric surely deserved a happier life.  so many people deserve better and don't believe it.  becoming decrepit is depressing.  the outside matches the inside.  

spaghetti-os with toast.  I considered baked beans on toast.  when it's what you want it's so good.  

Temptation game show listed 7:30

I'm a skeptic.  Missouri is listed as the 'show me' state which is why Unity Village is so perfectly placed.  

I'm feeling desperate.  no cause.  old feelings bubbling up.  I want to run away from my feelings.  I'm watching some of my favorites.  Temptation and All of Me Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin.  my body is reacting to feeling pressured to do.  I was never allowed to be.  I had to always earn my right to live.  it was never a gift it was ransomed.  maybe COPD are people never allowed to breathe, taught to hold their breath.  smokers are typically shallow breathers.  

I sliced up the tofu ham.  I used orange soda for braising.  I thought about orange juice.  I finally finished the tofu turkey for b'fast.  

5 minutes on high 25 on simmer.  delicious.  I ate a big salad too.  

I need to sit with my feelings and process them.  changing myself to gold.  true alchemy.

I finally cooked the spinach omelet and ate tofu ham and sunflower toast.  so delicious.  

5:30 Split Second

a lovely surprise.  I fixed my b'fast of tofu turkey and went into the living room.  it hasn't been on tv all week due to Christmas.  I'm so glad it's back.  watching the news is boring.  

seniors are late.  lunch chicken under done.  I'll re cook it.  

main library insecure intrusive puzzler keeps taking over sections i'm playing.  and he's a piece snapper like the pieces might escape.  and he smells.  makes me cough.  

I got home perfect time for People Puzzler.  I turned on tv, changed channel, started first puzzle.  so perfect.  aw, no Person, Place, Thing.  news.  

Happy's Place and Lopez vs Lopez.  laugh out loud.  great Sponge Bob impression.  

the lone ranger or tonto

so many heroes are alone.  I still have tofu turkey.  OK with cranberries.  

good day.  I got the penultimate parking space at 9:30.  I showered and forgot my flips so I used paper towels to wipe and dry my feet.  so I finally put flips in my bag.  and face towels.  

lunch was OK.  people had to comment that the Chinese took over my usual spot like I owned or wanted to own (yuck) that spot.  I got an extra piece of fish.  I walked prune Lucky's nothing and used my expiring $50 at Walmart.  beets and eyes.  I picked up 3 movies and home.  

MERRY FREEDOM!!

I'm watching 1940's Decade movies.  and the original My Friend Flicka.  I can watch the remake now.  

I baked the tofu turkey roast with wild rice stuffing.  It's like hard bologna.  salty bologna.  It's OK with cranberry sauce.  for 99 cents it's OK.  I'll add water.  I'm drinking a lot of water.  I felt sick from too much salt.   it is very filling.  

I'm happy watching People Puzzler.  

must be a lot of people using the internet it's slow.  I'm doing my intermittent training during Person, Place or Thing.  

Christmas eve-Pepsi 1.25 L-12/24/24 once in a lifetime

no parking at 24 hour flooded lot took out 50-60 spaces I drove around 2 times and ended up just picking up free soda then Sprouts 99 cent frozen 2 pie slices and 2 tofu roasts, ham and turkey.  thawing in fridge.  

Staff wanted to go home so I came home 12:30 from senior lunch.  Toki still not well I told her go home more rest.  

I'm watching Love Boat Ellen Travolta looks just like Lily Tomlin.  

everything closed tomorrow I must rest.  FREEDOM!!  

I could pick up movies at city but no.  open 'til 5.  so is county.  

I heated the 99 cent gluten free pumpkin pie is too sweet.  molasses and sorghum flour.  if it had been good I'd get more.  Sprouts open 'til 7.  

2 days to Christmas-Celestial tea

I restored my settings.  chrome locked up.  took awhile to shut down.  wouldn't to do anything.  I didn't get upset.  

my plan to watch O. Henry's Full House 1952 movie narrated by author John Steinbeck then start my day.  it has a whole new meaning to me.  people stories.  The Last Leaf Ann Baxter and Jean Peters.  a very beautiful woman a better actress.

finishes at 8:40 then exercise at 24, pick up tea, senior lunch.  

10:45 sitting waiting at seniors.  I thought of $tree.  maybe tomorrow.  I want cold medicine and c drops.  I love my senior center family.  

3 days 12 oz onion dip

and I love getting up at 8 am.  I'm looking to enjoy the next 2 weeks.  

lots of gym parking 8:30.  i checked out Lucky's first.  no dip.  considered going to Prune ridge.  maybe tomorrow.  I showered at the gym then remembered I forgot to check the candy aisle I went back and they had free dip.  It took me awhile to find Lindor dark chocolate truffles.  I bought 2.  

I decided to check Nob Hill for tomorrow's jumbo fish sticks.  I found 6 clearance toothbrushes perfect for new years.  

I heated Innovasian BBQ pork fried rice for 5 minutes in the microwave so easy and delicious I'm thinking of Chinese dinner on New Year's eve.  

I napped from 2-5 pm.  I'm refreshed.  

I'm making my best Christmas yet.  

4 calling birds 2 free drink-jarritos

I went to 24 at noon.  I'm taking life slowly.  I've learned to savor.  i walked gym Lucky's couldn't find anything.  Prune had dark Lindor truffles I wanted.  tomorrow I'll check gym.  

I'm enjoying the tuna noodle with the carnitas.  and BBQ chips.  not helping my allergies but so good.  and the baby cucumbers.  I may even grow some.  

everything went smoothly.  i picked up movies from central.  relaxed on puzzle, read paper, picked up st Just $20 card and bag of groceries.  

life is improving or I'm improving.  next door Trumpers celebrating, no parking I went to Nob Hill, sale on Blue Diamond blueberry almonds and Mac nuts.

5th day yerba mate 16 oz

tuna noodle 4 tsp 'butter' delicious.  I added raw sunflower seeds, the poor man's pine nuts.  

I picked up free Yachak yerba mate and walked Lucky's twice couldn't find anything I wanted.  the self check gives back change.  what a smart machine.  so it cost me a nickel recycle deposit.  

seniors staff is happy for two weeks off.  I finally figured out my congestion is from the pool resurfacing dust.  today they were mixing powder and the crew wears no protective gear which means a good chance of permanent lung damage.  my sinuses are plugged up.  explains my coughing and wheezing all week.  I spend a lot of time there.  I have the next 2 weeks off.  only lunch is open.  I can take my time at 24.  

6 geese a laying- Saratoga 28 oz water

And seniors puzzle.  I rested.  

Walter defines himself by his aches and pains.  he's following in his father's steps we know how that ends.  he's feeling doomed.  he said yesterday he never imagined ending up as he is and I told him he didn't have to imagine when his father provided a visual example 24/7.  he still doesn't get it.  he drives people away with his constant droning.  yet he feels so lonely.  he takes no responsibility for his life but Walter doesn't have anyone to take care of him.  perplexing.  he's so self absorbed.  

after lunch Francine and Mark were on the puzzle table and Walter left not being the center of attention.  so I went to sunny to pick up my movies and books.  then Sprouts half cherry pie $1.99, calming half price $8.50, immune $2.99, cucumbers 99 cents, $12 organic castor oil.

7 days 1 oz Tate's mini chip cookies

heavy fog.  hasn't been this thick for a long time.  crazy drivers some pockets of fog 5 ft visibility.  

I'm showered, biked, relaxing.  i made it unscathed to seniors.

I already ate the 3 Hirata Mac extra crispy cookies.  so crunchy.  b'fast was pizza with sunflower seeds.

lunch was tiny lasagna.  Toki came in to pick up and straight home.  Salome came in took over.  I shopped college Safeway and got my chips I forgot soup.  I had delicious pizza.  

8 days Jones soda 22 cent recycle deposit.

i feel so relaxed.  i went to 24 hour then walked Lucky's picked up sodas.  it's wet and warm fog today.  

seniors ok.  Toki cancelled taking care of herself.  Fred fun as always.  Walter complaining.  Diana came over so i asked her if she had any pain and he got his.  she put him in his place.  we talked about Albert and Steve father and son.  i made the mistake of saying good morning and was talked at for 20 minutes.  

took me 20 minutes to print tire receipt.  then ink cartridge low.  I told Gabby.  

I picked up my central movies then went to Safeway took an hour trying to load chips.  homestead didn't have low salt BBQ.  clerk finally over rode computer for me.  

9 days beer salt Daily Word Healing-Hiratas xmas-$662 new tires

nurses station major air conditioning.  I used hair dryer.  

I biked and Inge and Su, Den created drama for the kids.  the kids take them so seriously. 

page 31 From a Far and Lovely Country dad refused Auntie Katchan adopting me not because of jealousy but greed, I was money in the bank.  a servant to be bartered.  

12:20 ready to start my day I have a flat tire.  left front.  the bum one.  Manuel CSAA is on his way.  he put air in tire sort of holding but recommended new tires at least 2 front.  

1:20 waiting at America's tires.  no internet.  Saul sold me 4 $55 tire $220 plus sensors and certificates $662.  he wanted to sell me wipers for $23 each.  eh, I have new tires new car.   

I picked up my movies and bought 2 pizzas I cooked to eat today and tomorrow.  I've never been able to eat all I want before.  

i got a Xmas package from the Hiratas Carol and Barbara.  

10 days

The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet.  I haven't watched in awhile.  

the freebie is Barrilitos 12 oz drink.  

11 days of Christmas

I want pizza and chips.  i don't want the sour candy straws freebie.  

I'm enjoying 7:30 Temptation game and Make Room for Daddy.  I'm feeding my cold and resting.  

and I'm watching horsey movies.  heaven.  My Friend Flicka and Son of Flicka.  

I just remembered celery and tuna salad lunch.  I'm staying home out of the rain and cold taking care of me.  I almost killed myself caring for others no gratitude or help.  now it's my turn to be number one.  

I cancelled the movie expiring today and put in a new request.  i have 'til Monday to pick up the next one.

loaded 2 freebies and picked them up.

free cold brew coffee and truffle.  seniors pleasant except for lunch seating.  the misogynists are a bummer.  I let it go and give it to God.  Fred was late.  Jon added me to #1.  

Jane must have given us COVID.  she said she was sick for 2 weeks.  colds last 5 days tops.  

12 days starts tomorrow

I caught Jane's cold.  she's always going out to eat.  so I taking c and allergy plant.  and I biked my half hour OK.  

I'm consolidating.  I have so many matching shopping bags.   

1:30 not raining i decided gas fill up Costco.  easily done.  home for People Puzzler.

eggs on celery seniors 6:41am

life is simple not easy.  I keep forgetting I have celery.  good with tuna salad, peanut butter.  the calmer I am the easier to think.  

stress is survival focused.  no thinking pure instinct.  stressed people are irrational.  chemicals are targeting threats real or imagined.  

I biked half hour, stretched another half.  helps with stress.  

this is the first year I've needed moisturizer.  I have lots.  

I got a generic after thought card from sister Mitzi mailed 9th 3 days after.

I think I'm OK.  Aileen must have told her to send it.  

I heated the greens mix with fish and cherry goat cheese so delicious.  

I'm listening to new subliminal music to bypass and override the negative logical brain.  

woke at 3

5 hours sleep.  must be enough.  hungry I heated left over senior pasta chicken I added sauce and Parmesan.  OK.  

I misplaced overdue book.  last bag I looked in I found it and stopped looking.

Sprouts had cherry goat cheese I bought 2 $2.99 ea showing great self control.  i love goat cheese so much I considered getting a mini to keep down weeds and make my own goat cheese.  all I need is the milk, duh.  

i went to Sunny returned 5 books.  i passed on Sprouts to watch person, place and thing.   

9 pm I feel energized.

my purpose to make the world a kinder place

I can do this in my part of the world.  I don't have to do anything but be kind to fulfill my purpose.  so simple.  

life is simple not easy.  ego tries to make it difficult.  ego is a necessary communication tool that can interfere in the flow of life by complicating and distorting.  like the head brain doubting the gut brain.  

I love my healing music.  I played on puzzle.  had lunch and extras.  trudy brought me some kettle chips and peanut butter kisses cookies for everyone.  

I came home early.  I went to Sprouts bought 3 edamame 99 ea and lemon salad mix.  I couldn't find my license to deposit banking.  it was hiding.  home I finally got Saturday's mail and my new license.  

Split Second

seven days a week.  tomorrow 5:30-6:30 today was 7:30-9.  

i went to the gym 2:30 and at nob hill I bought a 3 meat pizza. 

I'm feeling threatened

I dreamed of 2 PGE blue service trucks one parked on street the other passes me for no reason.    my evil sisters must be thinking of me.  

I'm watching the Temptation game show.  7:30-9 am channel 2.4.  so many movies and shows to watch today.  Astaire and Rogers and Christmas movies.

I have veg rice from seniors.  and watching Chris Rock Down to Earth 2001.  Jennifer Coolidge is in it.  I requested from county.

I added 20 lbs potassium cubes to the softener.  I have a system.  and I'm covered in garage dust.  oh, well.  plus air pollution inversion layer.

I'm determined I'm going to have the best Christmas ever.  

chrome did it again

 erased everything.  Toki left chips and card front door.

I called Blanca at Anthem for benefits.  The computer couldn't locate me.  took 80 minutes on the phone to finalize benefits with Blanca.  I'm losing OTC.  I'm acting responsibly.

I got water soft delivery.  hooray!  and extra fish lunch.  

and again 5:30 game show

I don't mind waking early when I can watch what I like.  I made tuna mac and added the senior lunch mixed veg.  something to do.  then feeling powered up I went and picked up Inge's recycle $5.  since I was at Danny's I drove to Home Depot and bought potassium softener and cleaner for no charge delivery.

now i'm waiting for Cody's bookmobile.  I borrowed 4 and returned 3.

Life is good and improving.  I'm getting happy.  I folded clothes.  I love clean clothes.

i love my game shows

I'm watching Split Second.  i love learning.   

senior lunch united nations with food.  so good for my digestion to eat with pleasant company.  

I went to lucky wash and it was fast.  home by 2 I took my time hanging laundry.  People Puzzler 2:30.  

oops, I forgot banking.  Bartolo calling the 29th threw me off.

yippee!!

i'm relaxing doing what I want.  puzzle, lunch with Fred and Toki.  nob hill 2:15. 

I bought the wrong pizza.  I wanted 3 meat but picked up pepperoni, dad's favorite.  oh, well.  so easy pop it into oven.  delicious watching People Puzzler.

chrome reset- I'm improving

I don't know if it's the hot spot or a computer bug.  it keeps malfunctioning.  

I'm being more active.  I puzzled and lunched and shopped Lucky's last sale day for Mac nuts.  no unsalted so I only bought 2 onion garlic.  

home by 2:30 for my People Puzzler.  my recycle tower fell when I tripped and almost fell.  I didn't react I just picked it up.  new me.  Walter at lunch was very weird.  depressed and in denial.  I can't be around his energy.  I don't choose to suffer.  he refuses to care for himself, knows it and still complains about it.  like his father and we know the end of that story.  ah, he wants his sister to fill the bill.

PLAYING ALL DAY

Do nothing day.  Watching Barney Miller and Murphy's Romance.  Eating turkey and cooking noodles.  

Happiness takes planning and discipline.

seniors 6:45 HOT SPOT CENTRAL

people waiting 40 degree weather.  man parked next to me hits with door puts his bag on my back windshield denies it hints I'm crazy.  I got to yell at him he does not own everything tho' he thinks he does.  2 large print word find at puzzle table.  lovely soak 98 degrees.  I can go to 24 for hotter since it's freezing.  last day senior pools til January 20.

St Just still closed for lunch.  I have protein shakes.  I checked holds in transit.  I puzzled, relaxed, computed.  3 pm I decided to leave and checked my account, hot spot ready they resisted checking it out telling me I couldn't have both Chromebook and hot spot.  they diddled around finally deciding to override the system lying saying it's always been like that when I know different.  borrowed Botswana, Big bang, and Fried Green Tomatoes.

driving home I detoured to Cup library picking up Murphy's Romance and #1 Ladies Detective Agency.

so good

so much to eat.  so much to appreciate.  I wore new sweats to keep me warm at 40 degrees weather.  

I showered at 24.  I forgot it's Friday freebie.  I loaded drink.  I forgot my slippers so I went to lucky's no Mac nuts or low salt BBQ.  I showered and stretched and computed a little.  very slow too many logged on at 24 I went to nob hill and wished MeMe happy Thanksgiving.  home for game shows!  and lunch I forgot.

I ate watching People Puzzler.  such a perfectly peaceful day.

BEST THANKS EVER!!

I WOKE A FEW TIMES.  HUNGRY, I ATE TUNA SALAD AND CRACKERS.  YUM.  

9 am gym my left sketcher shoe sole flapping I used a rubber band then homestead safe way chrome update, no light salt BBQ chips I drove to college store bought light BBQ and lemon.  11:30 so I looked for St Clare parking, right in front.  I took my time finding my hat and glasses.  stood in line they opened early!  I left at 1 pm and Alex showed up.  Raymond and a bunch of center seniors showed up.  

I asked for 2 take homes for me and Walter.  new pair of men's socks happy b'day to me.  and my desserts, pumpkin cheesecake and pecan I couldn't finish.  so good.  I drove to first Presbyterian and Walter was there.  he didn't want the food.  after eating I checked the giving table and a new pair of 6.5 shoes.  a Thanksgiving miracle.  new black sweat pants and 4 X peachy sun dress.  I saw Gloria and I didn't think to give her an extra dinner.  we had a lovely time visiting 'til 2:15 I realized we were keeping them late.  and home in time for people puzzler.   

BEST THANKSGIVING EVER!  GREAT TO GET THINGS I WANT!

better

lunch was full of sugar and I'm feeling sleepy.  calm and sleepy.

I did my wheel, checked libraries, entered contests.  

I'm free!!  two days off I can do what I want.  no family arguments, criticism, schedules.   

I'm celebrating

home 2:35 for people puzzler.  I'm enjoying more. 

sprinkling they opened door at 7:29 am

just as I parked.  I joined the lines.  I had to fill out another application I needed some mystery registration number.  so when I finally talked to the third person I had 2 applications.  she had to look up the online one for payment record.  the good news no written test.  what a relief.  I could have danced a jig.  another hour in 2 more lines for picture and final check.  no idea when she said, I was too happy.  I have temporary piece of paper expires 1/23/25.  

i got to seniors 9:05.  i soaked for half an hour, feeling sick doing too much.  lunch was good.  I liked the cottage cheese melon salad.  I gave the diced cantaloupe to Toki and ate the honey dew.  so perfect.  I brought half the lettuce home to add to Jin ramen soup.  I added an egg.  good noodles.  mild is spicy, hot must be a rocket to the moon.  

oh, no lunch

I walked Sprouts just 99 cent salad I planned on adding to St Just none today because Thanks pick up 1-3 pm.  

I soaked and stretched at seniors.  connected Internet.  and here I am at central waiting for pick up.  I bought 29 cent celery yesterday I can eat tuna salad.  

sitting in line St Just Thanks pick up 1 pm.  i'm reminded of Footprints poem.  i thought i was alone but He was carrying me.  i have an inner chauffeur to drive me.  I've been so wrong.  with God Life is easy.  

took 40 minutes in line and I feel part of life.  by 2 pm no line waiting.  

SUN- I figured out how to watch from 10 feet and exercise.  I can do 1-5 minutes that add up like intermittent bingo exercise.  I've been feeling lonely and sad.  I'm babying myself feeling sad and lonely staying in bed.  I can comfortably sit cross legged for the first time in over 25 years due to parental care taking back damage.  hurrah cottage cheese legs.  my muscles have released.  I'm not frozen.

and I'm back-still sad JFK assassination 1963

I picked up my free 'Jin' instant noodles at Lucky's.  I drove past the DMV on a trial run.  I'm going to go survey the office.  I'm getting comfortable.  I'm living life very differently.  I have to get address verification and license ready.  

I visited with Inge for half hour.  then I relaxed in a leisurely shower, stretched, went upstairs computing.  90% rain forecast.  I bought $5 coupon potato salad turkey bag lunch and $2 piece of apple pie whipped cream.

lunch was ok I got distracted relating the past Valentine's accident to Florence and Donchey.  I missed left overs.  I picked up my bag lunch and drove to DMV no parking around 2 times starting to sprinkle I came home.  no success or failure all an exercise.  I emptied part of trunk for St Just Thanks pick up.

Citibank Yanni in Utah explained $31.03 one day late fee on $39.  a little extreme I bless and release for exponential increase.  

I'm watching 2 episodes HI 5 0 on channels 68 and 68.4.  my new behaviors.  watching my game shows.  I'm not torturing myself or letting anyone else either. 

no wi fi on chrome

so I'm back to desk top library.  feels weird.  new behaviors for my new life.  I yelled at woman in locker room moaning complaining just like dad and Walter.  NO!!  I had to care for my mom and dad I'm done!  I don't need anyone reminding me of my pain. 

I went to central tech and John helped me on Nick's suggestion when I called the library in the morning.  John tried then suggested off and on reboot.  it worked.

white men between certain ages voted for the high priest of money-POWER OUT 5:54-6:35

Bezos and Musk.  not enough money in the universe to satisfy them.  

LOVE of money is the root of all evil.  living backward.

men in pool tub have nothing to complain about just making lots of noise.

I corrected Korean woman bullying Jane to eat faster.  not her mother go away.  I got to speak up.

power out while I'm blogging so I have light and flashlight.  cold, dark and nothing to do so to bed.  and it's back on.  must be test.

6:45 am 40 degrees

I puzzled 'til 9 soaked 9:30-10:30.  lunch Fred, Toki, Walter.  we talked over puzzle 'til 1:20 bingo.  i'm so proud of the great inner work he's doing.  I suggested a wife with family.  he's thinking about it.  bingo size more challenging.  

Lucky's 2 dozen Egg land best, 3 party chips.  home.  I'm feeling tired.  

I feel surprisingly calm.  I usually stress myself.  I'm content.  

I'm calming myself

I woke typically terrified.  the family did a number on me.  old terror rising.  I drove past DMV at 6:47 am 47 degrees people outside waiting.  I have lots of terrified company.  

old depression rising.  talking to Dino about Mike Winn I realized how much his choices like dad's death saddened me, I cried and the cloud lifted.  at least for now.   I just miss Eric too.

I tried the DMV website.  at least it has usage graphs.  I have 2 complete weeks.  

I considered sewing tonight not tomorrow at Sunny Vale.  too cold and my priorities tomorrow bingo exercise.  next Monday no hot lunch.  

I forgot Sunnyvale trick

The connection is spotty and once connected I can go all over the library.  i puzzled and when I calmed down I remembered.  I did my updates and puzzled 'til 5.  

I need love.  I keep wondering why they never loved me.  my friends love me.  my teacher loves me.  lots of people love me not my family.  just cruelty and jealousy.  makes me sad for them.  what you put out you get back.  simple physics.  

with God life is simply easy

life is what we want it to be.  

I can still hear ex whining, ooh, same as mom 'not what they want' yet they do nothing to change anything, the definition of insane.

at 8 I dressed for Costco gas.  drove in, filled up, drove out deciding to check north Walmart.  bought shakes, 2 beets, extra back brace.  

used nob hill internet and bought salad and burritos.  left pomegranates for Me Me.  and home 9:30.   

time to let my soul catch up.  

7:47-7:57 am seniors drive

how I avoided bad drivers for 57 years I don't know.  must have been my family armor. 

weird day.  

I soaked an hour at seniors and pondered what to do.  I decided St Just for lunch pick up then Star One deposit and county library.  Cupertino star 1 closed Saturdays.  I returned and borrowed at the county library.  straight to Walmart closed no power.  then to the open Star One and the main library.  success finally.

1 pm eating lunch and considering book sale I forgot.  I browsed but nothing I want.  sunny book sale tomorrow.  

feeling a little sad leaving behind the old life bits of myself.  separation and change are uncomfortable.  especially for me.  

neck rehab from '72 and '14.  

a plastic tub of candied fruit fell off the shelf to the floor.  i picked it up and put it back.  i didn't know it was cracked and leaked syrup over the shelf onto the floor.  i brushed against the shelf and got it over my clothes.  i didn't notice the floor until after I'd tracked through it over the house.  i soaked up as much as i could with papers and i'll let the ants clean up the rest.  I've become so relaxed. 

leisurely 7:30 free pasta

$5.59.  and I bought Mac nuts $5 on sale 'til 12/2.  I made oat meal added nuts.  senior puzzling to my heart's content.  tygj.

9:30 I'm feeling sad.  time to exercise and change my chemistry.  it always works naturally.  no chemicals no nasty side effects just better health.  I love love love taking my time.  

sloppy joe lunch good.  Fred, Toki, Salome.  Andy came and went very early.  Walter showed up I congratulated him on feeling.  we talked 'til 2.  I explained how the head brain is a computer to figure out how to get from here to there and the gut brain is the controller.  the gut generates health and dis ease.  the gut never lies or makes a mistake.  the head brain needs training like a dog to be happy.  gurus taught meditation to lead to happiness, nirvana, paradise.  the unintentional celebrity suicides are from head brains without discipline.  I told him I know for sure he can construct his happiness from his discipline and focus in accomplishing what he's already lived.  I'm so proud of him.  he's suffered like I've suffered.  he shared for the first time his dad's pre death visitations.  I told him about Elinore Geracci and he remembered George.  I told him how Elinore was concerned when George had visitations for 2 nights and he died the third night at 3 am after talking to people who predeceased him.  Walter cried remembering his dad talking to predeceased relations.  

chrome closed up shop-Today's Daily word NEW DIRECTION

chrome allowed restore.  I remembered to connect to the internet first.  I'm feeling jubilant.  the word popped into my head.  

I kept waking with a stomach mass of anxiety labeled 'license renewal.'  I know it really isn't.  it's just baby pain.  I calmed myself with loving thoughts and feelings.  they taught hate and humiliation.  they installed self sabotage.  I still have the dregs I'm processing.  I create loving chemicals and feel safe.  

I'm loving the coffee puzzle.  puns galore.  Cody brought a dozen new movies for me to check out I gave him my senior water.  I chose 4.  I'm waiting on holds at county to return book.  sunny holds expire today.  

I keep forgetting to mention self sabotage to Walter.  he showed up for lunch so i broached the subject.  he chose to joke and attack me recalling Patelco out of the blue.  i told him i felt attacked over something years ago.  it's good he's standing up for himself he just needs practice.  

Dino asked if I was going to bingo size.  I completely forgot and was ready to go home.   Whew!!  good exercise.

I came home and watched people puzzler, then sunny library 2 books and back home for person, place, thing.   

6:53 feeling it healing it

a clump of dark sinister energy in my ab.  I woke warm and fear filled.  a strange sensation.

I'm always trying to push God.  I have gutters to clean, license to renew, water soft to buy, etc.  and the old me was never allowed to trust God.  wasn't done in the house.  

EPIPHANY:  they were the gods.  WOW!!  they believed that.  explains so much.  this is why I blog.  I see my life from a whole new angle.  WHERE WAS GOD DURING THIS HELL?  dad molested Aileen who molested me and pimped me out for a date by maneuvering a double date.  she manipulated all of us to make me her whore.   and mom was so dumb?  she let it happen.  maybe she knew.  would explain her self punishment.

I'm ready for something good.   

6:55 seniors

after slippers and protein shake drop off to Jin.

I've reached a new block.  I'm turn it into a stepping stone.  

feeling sad I soothed myself with puzzling.  9 am I was soaking.  10 am I decided to change into workout clothes.  I stretched while puzzling.  11 am I put on my back brace for lunch.  good lunch Fred, Toki late and Diane.  lovely calm.  Walter came late and Amber talked making him even later.  then she chastised him for being late.  LOL.  I asked him if he wanted to talk and I showed him some stretches for his back and legs while puzzling.  then 1 pm I changed for bingo exercise and put everything in my car.  new behavior.  I won 2 bingo s.  home 2:40 for people puzzler.  I considered how I wanted to clean gutters.  perfect weather.  I was covered in cobwebs.  I used a sticky lint roller I've had for years without an occasion.  I thought about sunny sewing I have time.  I remembered the wheel page wouldn't load at lunch and I forgot it oh, well.    then person, place or thing at 4.  

relaxing evening.  

Blessed holy day-Jin Solis-forgot to pay Citibank I'm letting it go

I haven't seen her 6 months easy.  she taught me so much.  she's generous to a fault.  inclusive to anyone needing it.  she made boiled Eggland for the morning group.  and fried bananas.  she loaned me her souvenir slippers from Hawaii.  we traded info.  she lives Stardust ct 95050 rather than sunny like the Monacks.  so I was inspired to tub for 10 minutes.  99 degrees.  good stretch.  

11 am it's raining, it's pouring.  i decided to use the covered parking and internet at nob hill.  i want salad.  i said hi to me-me and almost overcharged myself again.  they fixed it.  I wore glasses this time.

home another wave of sadness for my fur babies.  unconditional love that helped me so much.  they always came to me.  i couldn't subject them to my childhood home and parents.  i gave them up for adoption.  my apartment neighbors loved them too.  i chose to minister to my parents.  i couldn't let my cats suffer my parents' abuse, cruelty and neglect.  they deserved better.  

my back is throbbing.  my hips and neck feel broken.  

my back feels broken again

I've been here before.  I can barely get up from sitting and getting in and out of the car is torture.  again.  Valentine's car collision I need to love me more.  the stronger the traumatic force the deeper it's driven into tissues and the longer it takes to surface if at all.  CBD allowed the family program through.

an hour to soak out the pain.  pain is practically gone tailbone on fire.

how ironic.  just as I finished loading my gym case the alarms went off.  and 10 am the fire truck arrived maybe 3 minutes.  4 men got out checked building and left.  15 minutes.  getting in and out of car still agony.

I walked Sprouts for clearance kids sack lunch $3.58.  

st just lunch Charity makes me feel so welcome and someone left frozen chick nuggets.  holiday dinner.  extra yogurt.  sitting in the library cafe area charging.  I watch dads with their daughters.  mine always wanted to be the baby.  the hero dads are obvious.  they look out for their children.  tired by 3 pm.  borrowed a movie and the newest Botswana book.  home I found some melted fruit that inspired me to take out garbage.  I watched TV 'til 9 then bed.  

2 am- I woke hungry and had the half kids sack turkey sandwich and BBQ chips.  so good to have what I want when I want it.  sisters are still playing denial games.  I brushed my teeth and went back to sleep.

6 am woke with a lump of sad fear in my belly.  baby energy I cradled, hugged and soothed.  

7:30 I'm crying with Arthur the King:  a true story movie about a dog reminding me of my furry family.  all of them are so loyal and loving unlike my human family.  when I borrowed it I didn't know why.  I needed to acknowledge the love that kept me alive.  

every addiction masks pain-Welsun

just like when i first started my rehab here.  I started playing on the puzzle table.  it allowed me to focus outside my pain.  

Welsun never allowed organized pieces.  he'd scatter every thing all over.  sorry Suzy.  I finally realize he did it to make it harder on everyone.  like Trumpers.  they enjoy All suffering.  even their own.

people are fun to watch from a distance.  everything looks good from a distance.  up close they can get you.

6:50 watch a dozen standing 44 degrees

people create situations to suffer and complain together to bond and have community.  they voted for Trump knowing full well what he's done so they can complain together.  they choose to suffer.  

I should have anticipated the misogyny of the Asian and Latin cultures.  the immigrants have enjoyed 2024 laws and don't have any idea how bad prejudice here can be.  choosing to be ignorant of American history.  I have 73 years of experience.  

those who don't learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat it.  

they arrogantly take for granted what rights we have that can be taken away in an instant.  and Trump has already said he's the law.  he's demonstrated over and over what he's capable of.  not what he says but what he does.  the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

so i'm making my last days happy.  i puzzled, soaked in the tub, lunched, bingo exercise, home 2:45 game show.  i had lasagna and veg and coconut creme pie.  

THE LAST DEMOCRACY

America is just another of Trump's women to be lied to, cheated on.  Ukraine will fall and Putin will reinstate 'communism' in Europe.  China will be unchecked.  Global Warming will incinerate the planet.  the amusing bit is Elon Musk, Zuckerberg will burn with the rest of us.  all the money in the world won't save anyone.  everyone has the same problems.  

Cooperation creates Heaven.  Contention creates Hell.  You choose.  I choose to continue creating my heaven.  in Heaven there is no need for competition.  everyone has their own personal heaven.  

we're living history.  the children of the world won't know fresh air or clean water until 'civilization' collapses under its own weight.  then the crash of civilization the Apocalypse will reset the world to zero.  

I have extra lasagna meal.  after lunch I biked to warm up then stretched.  I was home at 2:30 for people puzzler.   I cut 2 pieces of pie 1 for now 1 for later.  I heated the burrito.  so good.  

yesterday i left the 6 chocolate donuts (Vote)

today someone left a coconut creme pie.  delicious.  I decided after bingo size to come home for people puzzler.  I looked for book to return to sunny library.  I watched person, place, thing 4 pm.  I stopped at nob hill and bought peanuts, turkey dinner and burritos.  

24 hour turn around I requested how healing works again.  I walked around looked at puzzles.  I could have sewn.  At 6 pm I went to Sprouts and couldn't find anything I wanted not even corn bread.  At home the election results are depressing.  

toddler angst

I woke feeling upset in my toddler belly.  I could see myself lost and forlorn and rejected as a skinny toddler.  chilling, I can see my family enjoying my pain, bonding over my suffering.  my chronic depression was my survival.  whenever I showed happiness I was punished.

any attention is energy.  abuse will keep a child alive, warping and twisting its personality.  neglect is a death sentence.  

after 2 1/2 hours on DMV website and 3 agents 'cause i have to hang up to verify my account with phone code I learned Flora Vista is closed due to asbestos repairs 'til 11/18.  gives me 3 weeks to take the test.  2 weeks to study.  YUCK!!!  oh, well.

cup library-DST

I drove around the library twice along with 30 other cars.  added .4 to my mileage.  I decided to use the walking for my exercise.  I found a car leaving on the corner and backed up.  I walked all over the library and there were no special events but a lot of people were voting.  

it was packed with families and kids running around.  because of daylight savings I got home at 3:30 when I left.  amazing day.  I found the DMV letter from September.  I still can't figure out how to take the online exam.  

11:29 finished my st just lunch

all the lunches mom never made me God is providing.  soaking I remembered I have to renew CDL, AARP, Daily Word.  do I want Real ID?  I don't think so.  I'm enjoying traveling through the Daily Ukulele main library book.  

I love sitting here watching people while listening to healing.  kids are hilarious.  

I started my driver's license renewal.  I don't know what I did with the renewal letter.  I went around and around looking for the online test.  I practiced the samples in car and motorcycle.  

I'm tired and sugar crashing.  I need a hug and I'm alone.  I need to cry and mom beat it out of me.  "I'll give you something to cry about."

Mike Winn sick and dying 10/18.  I'm processing grief.  I've been distracted.  I've been watching the final season of Barney Miller the only series I cared about.  I'm honoring my loneliness an improvement of the terror and humiliation of my childhood.  People who respected and valued their differences.  They loved each other.

the only way to process pain is to allow it to run its course.  everything changes into something else.  I never felt loved by my family.  

i'm hopped up on sugar

The internet wasn't working and naturally I thought it was me.  Justin mentioned everyone complaining and I waited 'til it was fixed.  so much cookies and candies.  i'm so buzzed.  

OMG the safeway cornbread 8x8 has kernels in it.  so good and buttery.  i cut it up into 9 pcs.  i told Walter to get extra chicken for me and he did.  he was anxious from yesterday's trip to Stanford.  the highs and lows.  he deserves happiness.  we all do.  some people's happiness appears as misery to others.  

6:50 am

 new me.  and the lesson of ME ME.  I have to focus on ME.  

best Halloween.  lots of sweets and love.  and bingo size.  and home 2:45 for people puzzler.  

loving it Nob Hill and ME-ME

they don't take recycle since Recycle Tek opened in Sunny Vale.  Safeway stores have recycle kiosks for smart phones.  

6:48 am even better

i don't understand people waiting in the cold.  doors open at 7 they rush to park and stand in the cold.  like mom and mitt on black Fridays to stand 6 am outside of target for the thanksgiving sales.                                        i puzzled, soaked, changed to exercise and Toki showed up 10:30.  i filled water, went to lunch.  Trudy, Kenny, Fred said hi, Salome, Florence and Donchy.  after lunch i puzzled until bingo.  i won once.  feeling ok i stopped at Safeway for 4 cheese, 2 Stouffer dinners, salad mix, $2.50 cornbread.  i picked up 2 movies at cup.  last day lucky's buy 2 get 3 free chips.  mac nuts $5 sale i bought 4.  and feeling great.  i got it all done.

6:52 am the perfect time to arrive

i get situated letting my soul catch up and planning my day.  

2 dreams 1 i kissed my true love and #2 Anne worrying about her brain.  

soaked stretched in the tub for an hour then stretched on the table.  i did squats until I was breathless.  i'm feeling better.  

The lunch not good but the company was excellent:  Trudy, Kenny. Fred, Toki, Diane for the men.  

after lunch i played on puzzle until 2 and decided i'd exercised enough.  i packed up and came home for people puzzler with 6 minutes to spare.  i was starving from a tiny lunch and ate chips.  

productive day yesterday-no hot spot

i waited 10 minutes in line to fill car then walked cost co and redeemed rebate for cash.  i forgot container for soda refill and long lines everywhere so i ate at home.  salad, chips, st just sandwich.  home 7 pm.

today i feel pretty good.  i remembered Ukraine's big sign on my calendar.  i ate p b on free Artisan Hawaii'n bread for b'fast.   just what i wanted.  

i relaxed, watched movies 'til i felt ready.  10 am good time for gym parking in shade.  i forgot my flips and God provided a towel.  tygj.  lovely perfect weather.  air was ok.  done by 11 i went looking for the benefit.  parked at front door of club house.  lots of food and crafts.  beautiful green eyed people.  i looked at everything sampled cottage chocolate.  bought 2 bars and box of 7 potato dumpling for $24 my cost co rebate.  

went to $ tree and finally bought $5 antifreeze, spaghetti-o, bag clips, not crab, lime rice, garbage bags.  

new unknown feelings-returned sunny hot

i've been sitting with my feelings since 5 am.  my natural tendency is to assume new feelings are painful.  i don't know.  i know the natural normal reaction is run away.  must be why and when celebrities die of drug and alcohol poisoning.  and Eric and Mike of cancer chemo.

hot tub revelation:  men require women to be men.  women don't need men to be women.  

soaking is gently releasing a lifetime of suppressed➡➡emotions.  many were installed before i learned to speak so i don't have words for them.  i'm feeling especially blessed thinking about all the modern conveniences i have: cars, elevators, microwaves, etc.    

11:30 st just lunch at the library cafe.  i bought Safeway salad mix $1.79 and 6 old fashion cake donuts $3.84.  $60 cash then i remembered tomorrow Ukraine benefit food and crafts 10:30-1 pm 1122 Pomeroy.  i think the church.  if we don't do what we can to stop Putin-Hitler he'll just keep rolling through Europe then the world.  

i felt ok breathing library air drove to sunny, puzzled 'til close 6 pm.  

air is so bad even in stores i'm coughing.  sprouts corn bread.  i let go of my thoughts and was detoured to cost co, long lines for gas only 10 minutes to fill up i parked and walked the warehouse.  i wanted hot dog or pizza kiosk wasn't working customer service desk cashed me out.  

feeling comfortably empty

Great to have nothing going on.  

may be time to have chrome battery checked.  ran down to 22% 2 hours.  

i have a sock laundry idea to do small batches.  we'll see.  

lucky's freebie 21 tiny packs of true-blue saltines 16.3 oz i got one of the two they had.  i walked sprouts too.  i biked and stretched.  when i feel tired i have to remember how much i'm doing.  

For lunch cajun fish i liked the kidney beans and rice.  very tasty.  Amber put out leftovers i got an entire meal.  

my own personal heaven

i'm sipping my sweetened coffee while writing my feelings.  feelings are power.  feelings are energy.  money is a symbol of energy.  energy traded for a salary.  

The county library has my favorite movies.  

i opened a gallon of grapefruit juice and drank over half.  so good for my guts.  i told Walter but he prefers pain and anti-acids.

all my unfelt childhood fears are bubbling up.  i had to stuff them down to survive.  now i feel safe i can process them.

i printed map to Ukraine bake sale and post office job for Diana.  crazy printer keeps spitting them out.  first it won't print then it won't stop.  Hey stop and spot.  

i won first bingo exercise.  came home and watched end of people puzzler while eating Mauna Loa strawberry guava ice with additional mac and hazel nuts.  so good and chips.  cooked chicken skins from Toki, Florence, Donchey, Fred.

mike died last weekend

The desk has a notice with his name and picture.  Michael Winn.  he reminded me a lot of Eric.  he chose how he died.  we all do.

i found out actually Friday.

3 hours of air

conditioning before my stomach settled enough to soak in the tub.  i hate feeling sick.  my tailbone on fire i can tolerate.  throwing up no.  

wearing a 95 mask is the only solution.  i picked up free bread and cookies at lucky's and paid PGE at Walmart, bought shakes and copper back brace.  

home and rest.

humans can be so inhumane

last week i read a court case on animal cruelty prosecuted in great Britain one of the defendants american for distributing movies of monkey torture.  one step away from torturing humans.  

maybe that's how family secrets begin.  too horrible to discuss.  pretend it never happened.  deny, deny, deny.

brain tumor man apologized to me expecting me to forgive and forget.  i don't trust smiling easy apologies.  Sister Aileen couldn't melt butter she was so cold.  just words without meaning.  insincere.  

he did motivate me to vote and drop off my ballot.  

i checked library computer new chrome format increased safety measures.  so it's lethargy is nothing I've done.  

came home 2:30 for people puzzler and i ate the canned chef boy r d chicken soup.  terrible so i ate it before it got worse.  sitting on a shelf wouldn't improve it.  

either a cold or allergies

awoke congested from Oakland fires.  cool and overcast.  coughing, blowing my nose.  so i'm getting lots of exercise.

I found my vitamin c's i have a cold brought on by allergies.  nothing new.  i take one when feeling feverish and i feel better.  and today i feel like eating strawberries, almond pastry, goat cheese.  

i'm fascinated by "a handful of dust" 1988 movie based on evelyn waugh 1934 book.  i find the infidelity weird.  i believe in cause and effect.  simple physics.  

like computer and tv reception is messed up from cloud cover.  so when people act on animal nature all energy around them is affected.  kids have no defenses relying on adults to protect them so they pay the price, the sins of the fathers visited on the kids.

5:30 pm i'm feeling better.  half a dozen c's.  

oakland fires i'm all stuffed up

with my smoke allergy.  seniors 7:38 open at 8 i like waiting and organizing my stuff and thoughts.  soaked in the tub an hour then sprouts walk about and 99 cent box of washed baby greens.  st j lunch and weekend bag.  library 3 books to peruse.  book sale.

and today chrome is working fine.  and it was just this tab.  

11:30 first lunch sandwich with lettuce.  cafe scored extra 2 tunas and waters, can of viennas.  i left fruits.  

mom always complained.  and the ex had the same complaint of not getting what they wanted and yet they did.  they weren't stupid or were they?  i honestly don't know it just never occurred to me.  

ok i bought a bag of movies.  an hour and half.  going past st just i stopped at the button sale.  mom would have loved it.  i still have her buttons.  

my skin is so allergy dry.  my lips are chapped.  i have so many chap sticks and moisturizers.  and i'm eating my tylophora.  

the connection was interrupted- Mike died

must be under attack from hackers.  i'm changing my thoughts, energy, and life.  

he reminded me of Eric.  not really tuned into life.

so relaxed

i forgot to pay city and cell.  i started looking for voting due to Trump er meltdown in tub.  he loudly announced to everyone he's voting for trump.  no one asked so i sought clarification asked if he's voting for king trump he started repeating the many lies so i commented on trump's many threats to subvert democracy like hitler after being elected in germany.  he left in a huff shouting at me to shut up to which i replied today i still have free speech.  trump ers are so cuckoo.  makes me glad i'm old.  i pray for all immigrants who came here for freedom.  poor babies.  

i won bingo 1/2.  nurses talked a lot.  

friends and family

in my life maybe a handful.  more now.  

Diana gave me monopoly tickets that expired yesterday.  oh, well.  kept me busy.  

i puzzled 'til 5:30 then biked.  i went to nob hill to redeem free salad and mac nuts now $9.  3 hazelnuts on clearance $2.49.  I picked up 2 ads.  Tina burritos 2/$1.  blueberry pie for dessert.  

feeling frustrated

computer shut down after i looked at 2 spam.  firewalls working.  but i didn't write down the password I couldn't get in, I used alternate way I don't prefer.  

lovely cool and overcast.

I'm still feeling a little sad or hungry.  what for b'fast.  and do i want to go to sunny or nob or anything today.  holiday for city.  

i'm reading Amy B Scher how to heal yourself from depression when no one else can.  healing is an inside job.  she's lived it like me.  

King of Queens marathon

1998-2007 was the worst time of my life.  complete total family betrayal.  more than four times the pain with my ex husband.  

i had to come out of denial and accept the family chose their fantasy and subsequent consequences.  

i had to acknowledge they willfully and purposely chose to repeatedly betray and torture me.  

to be happy i had to process the pain of all the years of torture they inflicted.  feel it to heal it.  expose the wound to the light and oxygen.  

i'm pampering myself, the large Elf.  i'm keeping it light and in the light without taking it lightly.  

i feel like crying

something old in me is dying.  life is change.  the season is changing.  goodbye summer.  I've never felt more alive.  I'm missing a loving supportive family.  I can feel.

i think a lot of seniors are crippled from ignoring their bodies.  they're taught to fight their bodies until the body can't function.  dis ease.  doctors are like a lot of priests.  they want to be God.  

i decided happy birds is too crowded, loud, hot.  not today.  i remembered comic con and avoided the crowd picked up st just lunch Charity is so pleasant.  i walked first baptist for an hour and half i decided $10 budget asi lo mar mesh bag, adze, white lace fabric pieces, washable office pen organizer.  she wanted to charge me $12.  i was going to put back lace she threw it in and a separate bag for adze.   yesterday she wanted to charge me $8 for 2 pieces of fabric one white one blue lace.  no thank you.

life is improving

i showered, biked 30, puzzled, lunch i got extra plate by timing my walk.  i'm feeling calm and peaceful.  after seniors i went checked out prune lucky's picked up free soda and $5 2X royal blue hoodie.  decided to check out 1st baptist rummage too expensive.  I had a good time shopping for 2 hours.  

6:55 my favorite time of the day

BINGO size today.  i didn't win game, i'm feeling stronger, better winning my health.

next monday holiday except for sunny.  i feel like splurging.  

doing what i want.  i went to bank deposited checks and cash and walked Sprouts.  i resisted sale $5 peach pie.  CBD $10.  home 5 pm.  i made the best mac cheese tuna.  6 minutes then 3 minutes used dry milk 3 tsp butter i can tuna with liquid.  i consolidated cookies and brownies.  

the new improved me

i puzzled from 7 am.  i'm bliss ed.  and blessed.  we're sitting in a big pocket of air pollution.  

Marie came in to look for Walter he comes late.  i don't know if he's coming for lunch today.  he came uninterested in contacting Marie after his melt down yesterday.  

3:49 internet cut out.  and it's back.  after lunch i'm itching up a storm.  2 extra helping peas.  tub is perfect 94.  2 hours in heaven.  home 6:30 peas and can tuna ranch dressing.

cleaning up and organizing inside and out-no CBD last night

i decided i will help those who contribute to my well being.  i've spent the majority of my life catering to those who ridicule and demean me.  a very bad ingrained learned habit.  i can unlearn and teach myself better.  i'm exchanging bad habits for great ones.  i'm living proof it's possible.  all i wanted was peace.  i wanted the ideal family to make up for the soap opera my family enjoyed.  what i gravitated to was a new version of the old story.  and now for something completely different to quote Monty Python.

today is bingo exercise part of MY ideal world.  i soaked and massaged my neck.  i started puzzle.  Francine and Mark were playing puzzle.  Walter went round and round awful-izing i refused to play.  he hasn't been around and panics over Marie.  i told him she's been at seniors and the library.  he set himself up to suffer and expected me to feel sorry for him.  he complained of heat when he brags about his air conditioning.  i told him he's smarter than to pretend he didn't know the consequences of his actions.  he claimed he was starving and had to go to Costco for food.  he waited 'til late and suffered.  he still complains about his stomach refusing grapefruit juice and refusing to wear back brace.  too many times i've said to try, he's hopeless.  he's too tied to his suffering.  i'm done.  i saw Marie at central he's her problem. 

anti seizure or beta blockers lower blood pressure.

i organized

i haven't finished banking.  i don't have to.  my bills are organized.  100 degrees at 4 pm.  i swam 8-9:30.  i'm putting my health first.  the air is bad.  the air conditioning is better not good.  

my energy is slightly better.  i tossed the drum sticks i cooked.  i don't want them.  i prefer veg protein.  

temps coming down 5 pm 95.  

i'm planning Saturn day and moon day 14 holiday.  sunny is open.

president putin-101 day

a dictator is still a tyrant whatever he calls himself.  i can call myself Queen of the city, doesn't make it so.   

i start my day at 5 am.  i brought in max protein shakes from car.  it's lovely 70 cool and dark.  when i feel tired i have to remind myself i have good reasons.  i was never allowed to feel.  Walter is going through the same thing.  he was tortured and denied his feelings too.  reconnecting feeling can be painful.  emotional neuropathy.  being denied the right to live.  barely tolerated existence.  hearing mom threatening to kill me.

big rain drops from high dark and white fluffy clouds in cup 9:48 arrival.  like Hawaii with the sun shining. 40% humidity.  i don't know if someone with pet dander or just bad air i'm coughing and stuffy.

Adult Survivors page 38 begins healing.  WOW!  page 42 "there is light peeking through the clouds of despair"  IGOR.  page 65 Erik Erickson's infant birth-18 months trust=hope.  stage two 18-3 years Autonomy Vs Shame and Doubt.  stage three 3-5 years Initiative Vs Guilt.  stage four 5-12 Industry Vs Inferiority.  stage five 12-18 Identity Vs Role Confusion.  stage six 18-40 Intimacy Vs Isolation.  stage seven 40-65 Generativity Vs Stagnation.  stage eight 65+ Ego Integrity Vs Despair.  

page 118 Moment of Insight:  When you are constantly criticized by your family, you don't stop loving them.  You stop loving yourself.

page 124 Moment:  You will only grow apart from people who don't grow.

page 178 Triangulation:  Flying Monkeys.  Nola.

readjusting

i just spent 8 weeks without a hot spot.  new and different always feels weird.  

i went to prune ridge Lucky's picked up free lemonade tea and bought unsalted mac nuts.  didn't have it in stock when on sale $2 off.  Walmart had one equate 12 pack vanilla max protein.  i may have to go to the mission college Walmart.  

seniors streets signed for parade.  i planned on avoiding traffic.  i spen an hour and half in tub.  Dave turned up.  i picked up lunch at ST Justin.  i finally realized i'm fulfilling all the lunches mom never made me.  mom gave Aileen and Mitzi lunch money but i had to fend for myself early or starve, mom didn't care.   mom was always threatening to kill me, blaming me for her unsatisfactory life.  i felt strangely powerful and confused as a child.  that's Aileen's insanity.  that's how i recognize and know Trump tactics.  

i was going to sunny but only hour and half open 'till 6.  tomorrow projected 96 degrees maybe cup library.  

awake at 5

i loaded free soda.  i'll go to Lucky's prune and Walmart tomorrow.  i want protein drinks.

Diana gave me 5 lbs frozen strawberries, chicken, fish sticks, squash.  i put in trunk.  i can use, give away or toss.  new sense of power.  weird.

yesterday 20 pieces of mail.  too boring.  Adult Survivors most excellent.  it has specific actions and explanations.  

the air is so bad.  my allergies.  i'm so glad i'm in library air conditioning.

5:30 i'm fading.

time to throw out old

nob hill goodies in trunk.  7 espresso, 2 ranch dressing, 2 grapefruit juice, 6 mac cheese.  and all extra discounted clearance.   encouraged me to toss fruit to squirrels and crows.  make room for the good.  or better.  i kept enough for Cody and Toki.  

synchronicity:  the upstairs puzzle is Harry Potter, the bookstore had a special book i read and the Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members made reference to Voldemort and using names as power.  

home 6 pm regular parking taken i parked in front and loaded groceries into garage.  80 degrees.

Saturday 10/5 s c parade of champions

Monroe closure alternate route.  good lots of notice.  

i couldn't find car key 2.  i heard something fall going to my car last night didn't see anything and this morning couldn't find it.  $100.  i double checked seniors then called central it was in lost and found.  i buzzed over too expensive to ignore.  much as i don't like owning things and being owned by them.  better for my car to stay in the cool.  104 outdoors 3 pm.  4:30 snack time.  

couldn't sleep bingo size at 1:30-2:30

i'm getting healthy and having fun.  i missed last week when they cancelled due to illness.  

sunny notice hot spot tomorrow.  i do appreciate the convenience.  

lunch menu changed tamale pie to pesto fish.  i monopolized 'til bingo won twice like a bunch of gals.  then felt good i mailed bill, withdrew Chase and parked car in underground on 99 degree day.  underground parking 78.  

sunny phoned me but hot spot won't be ready 'til tomorrow.  seniors open 'til 7 and sunny open 'til 9.  i kept checking online.  

dinner a big salad with hot spicy bean tuna rice Smart Bowls.  so hot I added 2 peaches cups.  

i'm making monday funday

i'm calmer than usual.   

gym i forgot shower cleaning schedule

they changed it so i had it all to myself.  i walked Lucky's looking for the freebie chocolate cake, none today or Friday.  i drove ECR to sunny lib dropped off movie and cook book.  i don't have to stay.  Sprouts i bought 2 sale drinks and 4 chips.  i stopped at dollar tree bought a cruet and a newspaper.  considered Safeway eggs and paying Citibank maybe tomorrow.  i forgot to update chrome weather so i stopped at nob hill.  clearance delicious espresso mixer, $5 hazelnuts, 25 cent instant butterscotch pudding.  home 11:30 for a delicious homemade salad.  snacking on nuts and equate vanilla shake for protein.  

i took out kitchen garbage full of fruit flies, cleaned up the broken plant pot on the porch, super glued broken eyeglasses and hummingbird wind chimes.  espresso caffeine artificial energy.  most drinks have caffeine to make people feel energized so they buy more.  

we may be the last democracy

prepare for world war 3 if Putin takes Ukraine.  Hitler was given Poland and proceeded to gobble the rest of Europe.   i see children and feel sadness.  especially immigrants.  they tried to escape terrorism and Trump uses terror to control his mob.  Jan 6 internal invasion like cancer.

i drove to Ukraine benefit cancelled, St Just lunch and weekend bag.  holiday sale everything $ i found 11 was going to put one back i left cash home except 10 Ukraine donation.  

the world will burn up.  i watched modern Nike wearing Chinese granddad allowing toddler to trash library display.  no hope to fix the world as long as cowards continue to choose popularity over value.  they come from other countries and don't bother to support American respect.  just play and enjoy benefits disrespecting what is.  making America into the homeland they left.  what amazes me is that they know it's wrong from the guilty expressions and continue doing it.  

i decided to eat St Just lunch, stay 'til 4 then sunny return.  

lovely lunch

 it's so nice to have lunch with pleasant people.  better digestion.  

ready to roll

woke 2-3-4-5 am i ate chick rice b'fast.  oh my aching body.  an hour in 98 degree tub and half in 94 degree pool.  then no Cody out sick and no bingo out sick too.  so i considered going early to cup library but too rushed.  i'm taking it easy.  

Wednesday

the ever evolving me.  fear has been bubbling up.  old childhood fear instilled installed by family to make me malleable.  easy to manipulate.  what trump uses to control his minions.  

while Gru in Despicable Me loves his minions donald trump despises and hates his minions.  he abandoned them like their families did yet they must love him or be disloyal to the family.  bully coward abandoned his troops January 6 and the trials yet they still love him.

Hilde at lunch had gallons of chick rice from yesterday.  i guess she couldn't sell it.  i got 4 cups and tomato soup.  

we eat when we're bored.  it's something everyone is good at, knows how to do.  Americans are bored and create global warming among other problems, Putin's war in Ukraine is to avoid boredom and thoughts of mortality.   

Nancy Newcomer heard Diana"s after lunch rant and was concerned.  she guessed correctly Diana is a Trump voter.  

6:55

amazing how many cars already.  still dark.  tried connecting to internet in car no reception.  

i soaked an hour and half then new Indigenous People puzzle.  October.  I prefer Rock-tober.  I played bingo  size.  Jane is still upset from Fred and I playing saving Toki seat.  she sat in the same lunch table as yesterday and insisted on sitting separately bingo citing she needed the room.  i don't know.  a bee in her bonnet.  Walter came by.  i'm so proud of him.  it's hard. 

90 degree day so far.  air bad i woke wheezing.  

hope Monday is fun day

I took yesterday for rest.  slept and ate like a baby.  feels weird not talking to anyone.  I never noticed before.  progress.  

stayed at seniors on the computer printing directions to Records 110 W Tasman.  finally printed a good copy 5:30 pm.  i'm totally worth it.

hot tub 98

9:30 hour and on to main book sale.  looking for Tina none stopped st just for lunch bag and weekend then straight to sunny book sale.  not today.  home i cooked potatoes and made sandwich with prepared tuna.  i ate like a queen.  forgot to open page considered nob, nah.

got my free pop well 12 oz

and 2 clearance salads using $ off reward $1.03 saving 92%.  woo hoo!

don't have to be rich to live richly.

Happy Thursday to Me

i swam warm pool for a change.  tub too warm 98.  then i got my massage.  

i'm feeling content despite DMV hanging over me.  and the fact issued 9/5 dad's death day. 

i started bingo size good exercises and music.  we got rowdy.  1:30-2:30 Tu-Th.  i remembered not to drink liquids 'til after.  perfect short time.  prizes given after 10 weeks.

4 pm library i met new Jeff looked it up means God's pledge of Peace.  diabetic he hadn't eaten i lectured him about 4 small meals and mom's emergency gall bladder removal.  i showed him my goody bag gave him dried cherries, hazelnuts and senior apple.  we talked about senior center.  

i forgot wheel today so i'll stay to enter bonus puzzle.  

Happy Wednesday to Me-Fred's b'day

i couldn't connect to the internet this morning so i sorted fruit.  i have a box i'll give to Toki.  i have bags of it.  i suggested bringing it in to share she prefers after her work out loading it directly into her car.  

she parked in the lot i saw her and met her downstairs.  done and done.  

when i came to the puzzle table Marie was haranguing Francine that i found odd because usually it's Francine going on and on.  took me an hour to figure out Marie was trying to impress Mark who was completely bored waiting patiently.  Marie covered up a third of the table with her stuff.  so rude.

finally received DMV renewal letter.  fewer documents needed.  i talked to Charlotte called back.  i'm feeling threatened.  mom verbally wanted to kill me, dad and will ex killed my pets.  same feeling.  phones open 'til 5:30.  

Fred's b'day jokes i made up:  who's happier bunnies or kangaroos?  kangaroos are hoppier.  AND 73 is the new dyslexic 37.