THE LAST DEMOCRACY

America is just another of Trump's women to be lied to, cheated on.  Ukraine will fall and Putin will reinstate 'communism' in Europe.  China will be unchecked.  Global Warming will incinerate the planet.  the amusing bit is Elon Musk, Zuckerberg will burn with the rest of us.  all the money in the world won't save anyone.  everyone has the same problems.  

Cooperation makes Heaven Contention makes Hell.  You choose.

we're living history.  the children of the world won't know fresh air or clean water until 'civilization' collapses under its own weight.  then the crash of civilization the Apocalypse will reset the world to zero.  

yesterday i left the 6 chocolate donuts (Vote)

today someone left a coconut creme pie.  delicious.  I decided after bingo size to come home for people puzzler.  I looked for book to return to sunny library.  I watched person, place, thing 4 pm.  I stopped at nob hill and bought peanuts, turkey dinner and burritos.  

24 hour turn around I requested how healing works again.  I walked around looked at puzzles.  I could have sewn.  At 6 pm I went to Sprouts and couldn't find anything I wanted not even corn bread.  At home the election results are depressing.  

toddler angst

I woke feeling upset in my toddler belly.  I could see myself lost and forlorn and rejected as a skinny toddler.  chilling, I can see my family enjoying my pain, bonding over my suffering.  my chronic depression was my survival.  whenever I showed happiness I was punished.

any attention is energy.  abuse will keep a child alive, warping and twisting its personality.  neglect is a death sentence.  

after 2 1/2 hours on DMV website and 3 agents 'cause i have to hang up to verify my account with phone code I learned Flora Vista is closed due to asbestos repairs 'til 11/18.  gives me 3 weeks to take the test.  2 weeks to study.  YUCK!!!  oh, well.

cup library-DST

I drove around the library twice along with 30 other cars.  added .4 to my mileage.  I decided to use the walking for my exercise.  I found a car leaving on the corner and backed up.  I walked all over the library and there were no special events but a lot of people were voting.  

it was packed with families and kids running around.  because of daylight savings I got home at 3:30 when I left.  amazing day.  I found the DMV letter from September.  I still can't figure out how to take the online exam.  

11:29 finished my st just lunch

all the lunches mom never made me God is providing.  soaking I remembered I have to renew CDL, AARP, Daily Word.  do I want Real ID?  I don't think so.  I'm enjoying traveling through the Daily Ukulele main library book.  

I love sitting here watching people while listening to healing.  kids are hilarious.  

I started my driver's license renewal.  I don't know what I did with the renewal letter.  I went around and around looking for the online test.  I practiced the samples in car and motorcycle.  

I'm tired and sugar crashing.  I need a hug and I'm alone.  I need to cry and mom beat it out of me.  "I'll give you something to cry about."

Mike Winn sick and dying 10/18.  I'm processing grief.  I've been distracted.  I've been watching the final season of Barney Miller the only series I cared about.  I'm honoring my loneliness an improvement of the terror and humiliation of my childhood.  People who respected and valued their differences.  They loved each other.

the only way to process pain is to allow it to run its course.  everything changes into something else.  I never felt loved by my family.  

i'm hopped up on sugar

The internet wasn't working and naturally I thought it was me.  Justin mentioned everyone complaining and I waited 'til it was fixed.  so much cookies and candies.  i'm so buzzed.  

OMG the safeway cornbread 8x8 has kernels in it.  so good and buttery.  i cut it up into 9 pcs.  i told Walter to get extra chicken for me and he did.  he was anxious from yesterday's trip to Stanford.  the highs and lows.  he deserves happiness.  we all do.  some people's happiness appears as misery to others.  

6:50 am

 new me.  and the lesson of ME ME.  I have to focus on ME.  

best Halloween.  lots of sweets and love.  and bingo size.  and home 2:45 for people puzzler.  

loving it Nob Hill and ME-ME

they don't take recycle since Recycle Tek opened in Sunny Vale.  Safeway stores have recycle kiosks for smart phones.  

6:48 am even better

i don't understand people waiting in the cold.  doors open at 7 they rush to park and stand in the cold.  like mom and mitt on black Fridays to stand 6 am outside of target for the thanksgiving sales.                                        i puzzled, soaked, changed to exercise and Toki showed up 10:30.  i filled water, went to lunch.  Trudy, Kenny, Fred said hi, Salome, Florence and Donchy.  after lunch i puzzled until bingo.  i won once.  feeling ok i stopped at Safeway for 4 cheese, 2 Stouffer dinners, salad mix, $2.50 cornbread.  i picked up 2 movies at cup.  last day lucky's buy 2 get 3 free chips.  mac nuts $5 sale i bought 4.  and feeling great.  i got it all done.

6:52 am the perfect time to arrive

i get situated letting my soul catch up and planning my day.  

2 dreams 1 i kissed my true love and #2 Anne worrying about her brain.  

soaked stretched in the tub for an hour then stretched on the table.  i did squats until I was breathless.  i'm feeling better.  

The lunch not good but the company was excellent:  Trudy, Kenny. Fred, Toki, Diane for the men.  

after lunch i played on puzzle until 2 and decided i'd exercised enough.  i packed up and came home for people puzzler with 6 minutes to spare.  i was starving from a tiny lunch and ate chips.  

productive day yesterday-no hot spot

i waited 10 minutes in line to fill car then walked cost co and redeemed rebate for cash.  i forgot container for soda refill and long lines everywhere so i ate at home.  salad, chips, st just sandwich.  home 7 pm.

today i feel pretty good.  i remembered Ukraine's big sign on my calendar.  i ate p b on free Artisan Hawaii'n bread for b'fast.   just what i wanted.  

i relaxed, watched movies 'til i felt ready.  10 am good time for gym parking in shade.  i forgot my flips and God provided a towel.  tygj.  lovely perfect weather.  air was ok.  done by 11 i went looking for the benefit.  parked at front door of club house.  lots of food and crafts.  beautiful green eyed people.  i looked at everything sampled cottage chocolate.  bought 2 bars and box of 7 potato dumpling for $24 my cost co rebate.  

went to $ tree and finally bought $5 antifreeze, spaghetti-o, bag clips, not crab, lime rice, garbage bags.  

new unknown feelings-returned sunny hot

i've been sitting with my feelings since 5 am.  my natural tendency is to assume new feelings are painful.  i don't know.  i know the natural normal reaction is run away.  must be why and when celebrities die of drug and alcohol poisoning.  and Eric and Mike of cancer chemo.

hot tub revelation:  men require women to be men.  women don't need men to be women.  

soaking is gently releasing a lifetime of suppressed➡➡emotions.  many were installed before i learned to speak so i don't have words for them.  i'm feeling especially blessed thinking about all the modern conveniences i have: cars, elevators, microwaves, etc.    

11:30 st just lunch at the library cafe.  i bought Safeway salad mix $1.79 and 6 old fashion cake donuts $3.84.  $60 cash then i remembered tomorrow Ukraine benefit food and crafts 10:30-1 pm 1122 Pomeroy.  i think the church.  if we don't do what we can to stop Putin-Hitler he'll just keep rolling through Europe then the world.  

i felt ok breathing library air drove to sunny, puzzled 'til close 6 pm.  

air is so bad even in stores i'm coughing.  sprouts corn bread.  i let go of my thoughts and was detoured to cost co, long lines for gas only 10 minutes to fill up i parked and walked the warehouse.  i wanted hot dog or pizza kiosk wasn't working customer service desk cashed me out.  

feeling comfortably empty

Great to have nothing going on.  

may be time to have chrome battery checked.  ran down to 22% 2 hours.  

i have a sock laundry idea to do small batches.  we'll see.  

lucky's freebie 21 tiny packs of true-blue saltines 16.3 oz i got one of the two they had.  i walked sprouts too.  i biked and stretched.  when i feel tired i have to remember how much i'm doing.  

For lunch cajun fish i liked the kidney beans and rice.  very tasty.  Amber put out leftovers i got an entire meal.  

my own personal heaven

i'm sipping my sweetened coffee while writing my feelings.  feelings are power.  feelings are energy.  money is a symbol of energy.  energy traded for a salary.  

The county library has my favorite movies.  

i opened a gallon of grapefruit juice and drank over half.  so good for my guts.  i told Walter but he prefers pain and anti-acids.

all my unfelt childhood fears are bubbling up.  i had to stuff them down to survive.  now i feel safe i can process them.

i printed map to Ukraine bake sale and post office job for Diana.  crazy printer keeps spitting them out.  first it won't print then it won't stop.  Hey stop and spot.  

i won first bingo exercise.  came home and watched end of people puzzler while eating Mauna Loa strawberry guava ice with additional mac and hazel nuts.  so good and chips.  cooked chicken skins from Toki, Florence, Donchey, Fred.

mike died last weekend

The desk has a notice with his name and picture.  Michael Winn.  he reminded me a lot of Eric.  he chose how he died.  we all do.

i found out actually Friday.

3 hours of air

conditioning before my stomach settled enough to soak in the tub.  i hate feeling sick.  my tailbone on fire i can tolerate.  throwing up no.  

wearing a 95 mask is the only solution.  i picked up free bread and cookies at lucky's and paid PGE at Walmart, bought shakes and copper back brace.  

home and rest.

humans can be so inhumane

last week i read a court case on animal cruelty prosecuted in great Britain one of the defendants american for distributing movies of monkey torture.  one step away from torturing humans.  

maybe that's how family secrets begin.  too horrible to discuss.  pretend it never happened.  deny, deny, deny.

brain tumor man apologized to me expecting me to forgive and forget.  i don't trust smiling easy apologies.  Sister Aileen couldn't melt butter she was so cold.  just words without meaning.  insincere.  

he did motivate me to vote and drop off my ballot.  

i checked library computer new chrome format increased safety measures.  so it's lethargy is nothing I've done.  

came home 2:30 for people puzzler and i ate the canned chef boy r d chicken soup.  terrible so i ate it before it got worse.  sitting on a shelf wouldn't improve it.  

either a cold or allergies

awoke congested from Oakland fires.  cool and overcast.  coughing, blowing my nose.  so i'm getting lots of exercise.

I found my vitamin c's i have a cold brought on by allergies.  nothing new.  i take one when feeling feverish and i feel better.  and today i feel like eating strawberries, almond pastry, goat cheese.  

i'm fascinated by "a handful of dust" 1988 movie based on evelyn waugh 1934 book.  i find the infidelity weird.  i believe in cause and effect.  simple physics.  

like computer and tv reception is messed up from cloud cover.  so when people act on animal nature all energy around them is affected.  kids have no defenses relying on adults to protect them so they pay the price, the sins of the fathers visited on the kids.

5:30 pm i'm feeling better.  half a dozen c's.  

oakland fires i'm all stuffed up

with my smoke allergy.  seniors 7:38 open at 8 i like waiting and organizing my stuff and thoughts.  soaked in the tub an hour then sprouts walk about and 99 cent box of washed baby greens.  st j lunch and weekend bag.  library 3 books to peruse.  book sale.

and today chrome is working fine.  and it was just this tab.  

11:30 first lunch sandwich with lettuce.  cafe scored extra 2 tunas and waters, can of viennas.  i left fruits.  

mom always complained.  and the ex had the same complaint of not getting what they wanted and yet they did.  they weren't stupid or were they?  i honestly don't know it just never occurred to me.  

ok i bought a bag of movies.  an hour and half.  going past st just i stopped at the button sale.  mom would have loved it.  i still have her buttons.  

my skin is so allergy dry.  my lips are chapped.  i have so many chap sticks and moisturizers.  and i'm eating my tylophora.  

the connection was interrupted- Mike died

must be under attack from hackers.  i'm changing my thoughts, energy, and life.  

he reminded me of Eric.  not really tuned into life.

so relaxed

i forgot to pay city and cell.  i started looking for voting due to Trump er meltdown in tub.  he loudly announced to everyone he's voting for trump.  no one asked so i sought clarification asked if he's voting for king trump he started repeating the many lies so i commented on trump's many threats to subvert democracy like hitler after being elected in germany.  he left in a huff shouting at me to shut up to which i replied today i still have free speech.  trump ers are so cuckoo.  makes me glad i'm old.  i pray for all immigrants who came here for freedom.  poor babies.  

i won bingo 1/2.  nurses talked a lot.  

friends and family

in my life maybe a handful.  more now.  

Diana gave me monopoly tickets that expired yesterday.  oh, well.  kept me busy.  

i puzzled 'til 5:30 then biked.  i went to nob hill to redeem free salad and mac nuts now $9.  3 hazelnuts on clearance $2.49.  I picked up 2 ads.  Tina burritos 2/$1.  blueberry pie for dessert.  

feeling frustrated

computer shut down after i looked at 2 spam.  firewalls working.  but i didn't write down the password I couldn't get in, I used alternate way I don't prefer.  

lovely cool and overcast.

I'm still feeling a little sad or hungry.  what for b'fast.  and do i want to go to sunny or nob or anything today.  holiday for city.  

i'm reading Amy B Scher how to heal yourself from depression when no one else can.  healing is an inside job.  she's lived it like me.  

King of Queens marathon

1998-2007 was the worst time of my life.  complete total family betrayal.  more than four times the pain with my ex husband.  

i had to come out of denial and accept the family chose their fantasy and subsequent consequences.  

i had to acknowledge they willfully and purposely chose to repeatedly betray and torture me.  

to be happy i had to process the pain of all the years of torture they inflicted.  feel it to heal it.  expose the wound to the light and oxygen.  

i'm pampering myself, the large Elf.  i'm keeping it light and in the light without taking it lightly.  

i feel like crying

something old in me is dying.  life is change.  the season is changing.  goodbye summer.  I've never felt more alive.  I'm missing a loving supportive family.  I can feel.

i think a lot of seniors are crippled from ignoring their bodies.  they're taught to fight their bodies until the body can't function.  dis ease.  doctors are like a lot of priests.  they want to be God.  

i decided happy birds is too crowded, loud, hot.  not today.  i remembered comic con and avoided the crowd picked up st just lunch Charity is so pleasant.  i walked first baptist for an hour and half i decided $10 budget asi lo mar mesh bag, adze, white lace fabric pieces, washable office pen organizer.  she wanted to charge me $12.  i was going to put back lace she threw it in and a separate bag for adze.   yesterday she wanted to charge me $8 for 2 pieces of fabric one white one blue lace.  no thank you.

life is improving

i showered, biked 30, puzzled, lunch i got extra plate by timing my walk.  i'm feeling calm and peaceful.  after seniors i went checked out prune lucky's picked up free soda and $5 2X royal blue hoodie.  decided to check out 1st baptist rummage too expensive.  I had a good time shopping for 2 hours.  

6:55 my favorite time of the day

BINGO size today.  i didn't win game, i'm feeling stronger, better winning my health.

next monday holiday except for sunny.  i feel like splurging.  

doing what i want.  i went to bank deposited checks and cash and walked Sprouts.  i resisted sale $5 peach pie.  CBD $10.  home 5 pm.  i made the best mac cheese tuna.  6 minutes then 3 minutes used dry milk 3 tsp butter i can tuna with liquid.  i consolidated cookies and brownies.  

the new improved me

i puzzled from 7 am.  i'm bliss ed.  and blessed.  we're sitting in a big pocket of air pollution.  

Marie came in to look for Walter he comes late.  i don't know if he's coming for lunch today.  he came uninterested in contacting Marie after his melt down yesterday.  

3:49 internet cut out.  and it's back.  after lunch i'm itching up a storm.  2 extra helping peas.  tub is perfect 94.  2 hours in heaven.  home 6:30 peas and can tuna ranch dressing.

cleaning up and organizing inside and out-no CBD last night

i decided i will help those who contribute to my well being.  i've spent the majority of my life catering to those who ridicule and demean me.  a very bad ingrained learned habit.  i can unlearn and teach myself better.  i'm exchanging bad habits for great ones.  i'm living proof it's possible.  all i wanted was peace.  i wanted the ideal family to make up for the soap opera my family enjoyed.  what i gravitated to was a new version of the old story.  and now for something completely different to quote Monty Python.

today is bingo exercise part of MY ideal world.  i soaked and massaged my neck.  i started puzzle.  Francine and Mark were playing puzzle.  Walter went round and round awful-izing i refused to play.  he hasn't been around and panics over Marie.  i told him she's been at seniors and the library.  he set himself up to suffer and expected me to feel sorry for him.  he complained of heat when he brags about his air conditioning.  i told him he's smarter than to pretend he didn't know the consequences of his actions.  he claimed he was starving and had to go to Costco for food.  he waited 'til late and suffered.  he still complains about his stomach refusing grapefruit juice and refusing to wear back brace.  too many times i've said to try, he's hopeless.  he's too tied to his suffering.  i'm done.  i saw Marie at central he's her problem. 

anti seizure or beta blockers lower blood pressure.

i organized

i haven't finished banking.  i don't have to.  my bills are organized.  100 degrees at 4 pm.  i swam 8-9:30.  i'm putting my health first.  the air is bad.  the air conditioning is better not good.  

my energy is slightly better.  i tossed the drum sticks i cooked.  i don't want them.  i prefer veg protein.  

temps coming down 5 pm 95.  

i'm planning Saturn day and moon day 14 holiday.  sunny is open.

president putin-101 day

a dictator is still a tyrant whatever he calls himself.  i can call myself Queen of the city, doesn't make it so.   

i start my day at 5 am.  i brought in max protein shakes from car.  it's lovely 70 cool and dark.  when i feel tired i have to remind myself i have good reasons.  i was never allowed to feel.  Walter is going through the same thing.  he was tortured and denied his feelings too.  reconnecting feeling can be painful.  emotional neuropathy.  being denied the right to live.  barely tolerated existence.  hearing mom threatening to kill me.

big rain drops from high dark and white fluffy clouds in cup 9:48 arrival.  like Hawaii with the sun shining. 40% humidity.  i don't know if someone with pet dander or just bad air i'm coughing and stuffy.

Adult Survivors page 38 begins healing.  WOW!  page 42 "there is light peeking through the clouds of despair"  IGOR.  page 65 Erik Erickson's infant birth-18 months trust=hope.  stage two 18-3 years Autonomy Vs Shame and Doubt.  stage three 3-5 years Initiative Vs Guilt.  stage four 5-12 Industry Vs Inferiority.  stage five 12-18 Identity Vs Role Confusion.  stage six 18-40 Intimacy Vs Isolation.  stage seven 40-65 Generativity Vs Stagnation.  stage eight 65+ Ego Integrity Vs Despair.  

page 118 Moment of Insight:  When you are constantly criticized by your family, you don't stop loving them.  You stop loving yourself.

page 124 Moment:  You will only grow apart from people who don't grow.

page 178 Triangulation:  Flying Monkeys.  Nola.

readjusting

i just spent 8 weeks without a hot spot.  new and different always feels weird.  

i went to prune ridge Lucky's picked up free lemonade tea and bought unsalted mac nuts.  didn't have it in stock when on sale $2 off.  Walmart had one equate 12 pack vanilla max protein.  i may have to go to the mission college Walmart.  

seniors streets signed for parade.  i planned on avoiding traffic.  i spen an hour and half in tub.  Dave turned up.  i picked up lunch at ST Justin.  i finally realized i'm fulfilling all the lunches mom never made me.  mom gave Aileen and Mitzi lunch money but i had to fend for myself early or starve, mom didn't care.   mom was always threatening to kill me, blaming me for her unsatisfactory life.  i felt strangely powerful and confused as a child.  that's Aileen's insanity.  that's how i recognize and know Trump tactics.  

i was going to sunny but only hour and half open 'till 6.  tomorrow projected 96 degrees maybe cup library.  

awake at 5

i loaded free soda.  i'll go to Lucky's prune and Walmart tomorrow.  i want protein drinks.

Diana gave me 5 lbs frozen strawberries, chicken, fish sticks, squash.  i put in trunk.  i can use, give away or toss.  new sense of power.  weird.

yesterday 20 pieces of mail.  too boring.  Adult Survivors most excellent.  it has specific actions and explanations.  

the air is so bad.  my allergies.  i'm so glad i'm in library air conditioning.

5:30 i'm fading.

time to throw out old

nob hill goodies in trunk.  7 espresso, 2 ranch dressing, 2 grapefruit juice, 6 mac cheese.  and all extra discounted clearance.   encouraged me to toss fruit to squirrels and crows.  make room for the good.  or better.  i kept enough for Cody and Toki.  

synchronicity:  the upstairs puzzle is Harry Potter, the bookstore had a special book i read and the Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members made reference to Voldemort and using names as power.  

home 6 pm regular parking taken i parked in front and loaded groceries into garage.  80 degrees.

Saturday 10/5 s c parade of champions

Monroe closure alternate route.  good lots of notice.  

i couldn't find car key 2.  i heard something fall going to my car last night didn't see anything and this morning couldn't find it.  $100.  i double checked seniors then called central it was in lost and found.  i buzzed over too expensive to ignore.  much as i don't like owning things and being owned by them.  better for my car to stay in the cool.  104 outdoors 3 pm.  4:30 snack time.  

couldn't sleep bingo size at 1:30-2:30

i'm getting healthy and having fun.  i missed last week when they cancelled due to illness.  

sunny notice hot spot tomorrow.  i do appreciate the convenience.  

lunch menu changed tamale pie to pesto fish.  i monopolized 'til bingo won twice like a bunch of gals.  then felt good i mailed bill, withdrew Chase and parked car in underground on 99 degree day.  underground parking 78.  

sunny phoned me but hot spot won't be ready 'til tomorrow.  seniors open 'til 7 and sunny open 'til 9.  i kept checking online.  

dinner a big salad with hot spicy bean tuna rice Smart Bowls.  so hot I added 2 peaches cups.  

i'm making monday funday

i'm calmer than usual.   

gym i forgot shower cleaning schedule

they changed it so i had it all to myself.  i walked Lucky's looking for the freebie chocolate cake, none today or Friday.  i drove ECR to sunny lib dropped off movie and cook book.  i don't have to stay.  Sprouts i bought 2 sale drinks and 4 chips.  i stopped at dollar tree bought a cruet and a newspaper.  considered Safeway eggs and paying Citibank maybe tomorrow.  i forgot to update chrome weather so i stopped at nob hill.  clearance delicious espresso mixer, $5 hazelnuts, 25 cent instant butterscotch pudding.  home 11:30 for a delicious homemade salad.  snacking on nuts and equate vanilla shake for protein.  

i took out kitchen garbage full of fruit flies, cleaned up the broken plant pot on the porch, super glued broken eyeglasses and hummingbird wind chimes.  espresso caffeine artificial energy.  most drinks have caffeine to make people feel energized so they buy more.  

we may be the last democracy

prepare for world war 3 if Putin takes Ukraine.  Hitler was given Poland and proceeded to gobble the rest of Europe.   i see children and feel sadness.  especially immigrants.  they tried to escape terrorism and Trump uses terror to control his mob.  Jan 6 internal invasion like cancer.

i drove to Ukraine benefit cancelled, St Just lunch and weekend bag.  holiday sale everything $ i found 11 was going to put one back i left cash home except 10 Ukraine donation.  

the world will burn up.  i watched modern Nike wearing Chinese granddad allowing toddler to trash library display.  no hope to fix the world as long as cowards continue to choose popularity over value.  they come from other countries and don't bother to support American respect.  just play and enjoy benefits disrespecting what is.  making America into the homeland they left.  what amazes me is that they know it's wrong from the guilty expressions and continue doing it.  

i decided to eat St Just lunch, stay 'til 4 then sunny return.  

lovely lunch

 it's so nice to have lunch with pleasant people.  better digestion.  

ready to roll

woke 2-3-4-5 am i ate chick rice b'fast.  oh my aching body.  an hour in 98 degree tub and half in 94 degree pool.  then no Cody out sick and no bingo out sick too.  so i considered going early to cup library but too rushed.  i'm taking it easy.  

Wednesday

the ever evolving me.  fear has been bubbling up.  old childhood fear instilled installed by family to make me malleable.  easy to manipulate.  what trump uses to control his minions.  

while Gru in Despicable Me loves his minions donald trump despises and hates his minions.  he abandoned them like their families did yet they must love him or be disloyal to the family.  bully coward abandoned his troops January 6 and the trials yet they still love him.

Hilde at lunch had gallons of chick rice from yesterday.  i guess she couldn't sell it.  i got 4 cups and tomato soup.  

we eat when we're bored.  it's something everyone is good at, knows how to do.  Americans are bored and create global warming among other problems, Putin's war in Ukraine is to avoid boredom and thoughts of mortality.   

Nancy Newcomer heard Diana"s after lunch rant and was concerned.  she guessed correctly Diana is a Trump voter.  

6:55

amazing how many cars already.  still dark.  tried connecting to internet in car no reception.  

i soaked an hour and half then new Indigenous People puzzle.  October.  I prefer Rock-tober.  I played bingo  size.  Jane is still upset from Fred and I playing saving Toki seat.  she sat in the same lunch table as yesterday and insisted on sitting separately bingo citing she needed the room.  i don't know.  a bee in her bonnet.  Walter came by.  i'm so proud of him.  it's hard. 

90 degree day so far.  air bad i woke wheezing.  

hope Monday is fun day

I took yesterday for rest.  slept and ate like a baby.  feels weird not talking to anyone.  I never noticed before.  progress.  

stayed at seniors on the computer printing directions to Records 110 W Tasman.  finally printed a good copy 5:30 pm.  i'm totally worth it.

hot tub 98

9:30 hour and on to main book sale.  looking for Tina none stopped st just for lunch bag and weekend then straight to sunny book sale.  not today.  home i cooked potatoes and made sandwich with prepared tuna.  i ate like a queen.  forgot to open page considered nob, nah.

got my free pop well 12 oz

and 2 clearance salads using $ off reward $1.03 saving 92%.  woo hoo!

don't have to be rich to live richly.

Happy Thursday to Me

i swam warm pool for a change.  tub too warm 98.  then i got my massage.  

i'm feeling content despite DMV hanging over me.  and the fact issued 9/5 dad's death day. 

i started bingo size good exercises and music.  we got rowdy.  1:30-2:30 Tu-Th.  i remembered not to drink liquids 'til after.  perfect short time.  prizes given after 10 weeks.

4 pm library i met new Jeff looked it up means God's pledge of Peace.  diabetic he hadn't eaten i lectured him about 4 small meals and mom's emergency gall bladder removal.  i showed him my goody bag gave him dried cherries, hazelnuts and senior apple.  we talked about senior center.  

i forgot wheel today so i'll stay to enter bonus puzzle.  

Happy Wednesday to Me-Fred's b'day

i couldn't connect to the internet this morning so i sorted fruit.  i have a box i'll give to Toki.  i have bags of it.  i suggested bringing it in to share she prefers after her work out loading it directly into her car.  

she parked in the lot i saw her and met her downstairs.  done and done.  

when i came to the puzzle table Marie was haranguing Francine that i found odd because usually it's Francine going on and on.  took me an hour to figure out Marie was trying to impress Mark who was completely bored waiting patiently.  Marie covered up a third of the table with her stuff.  so rude.

finally received DMV renewal letter.  fewer documents needed.  i talked to Charlotte called back.  i'm feeling threatened.  mom verbally wanted to kill me, dad and will ex killed my pets.  same feeling.  phones open 'til 5:30.  

Fred's b'day jokes i made up:  who's happier bunnies or kangaroos?  kangaroos are hoppier.  AND 73 is the new dyslexic 37.  

I forgot my vitamins in my enthusiasm

i brought beets.  i don't know.   i remembered vitamins at San Tomas.  i remembered to charge chrome.  i gratefully take my wins where i find them.  maybe i'll take my supplements at bedtime.

wow!  i connected dad trying to kill my fish and will-ex actually killing my budgie and cat.  and alien killing dad and mom.  I've never had a loving relationship.

i decided to stay for bingo exercise class.  full, I'm on standby.  and I don't care.  I can mail post office tomorrow and library pick up later.  2 requests and the Secret due.  

Mallory will get me into bingo-cise Thursday.  she saw me leaving and asked if i wanted to add but already half done.  I prefer to start fresh.  

i mailed monopoly form 73 cents and library puzzle table met Mariah and Violet self named Asian very young man.  she loves him a lot.  i returned and checked out Secret, Daily Ukulele, and LP Love Tina.  

time for tub

happiness is knowing what you want and what you need and the difference between the two.  

ok!  i found the monopoly letter to mail i lost track and paid Discover.  i was home 12:30 and resting and watching game shows.  SUCCESS.  

making Sunday Funday

gym 9 am on the road 9:30.  i went looking for cup sprouts i don't know.  it's closed.  i never got inside. i tried 2020 during the pandemic there were long lines and the parking was a nightmare.  oh, well.  

i returned 7 things.  the library is reorganized.  this is the first time i walked in the back.  i never had the energy.  i've been running on fumes for so long.  since maybe 1988.

i ate freebie Built Puff is chocolate covered marshmallow.  1.41 oz tiny.

i turned in Rocky and Bullwinkle for King of Queens and the Neighborhood.  none of the other libraries has seasons 1-5.  problem at check out i solved.

left noon i wanted salad for lunch.  i used voyage seed butter and carrot vinegar dressing.  and chips.  nothing better than what you want when you want it.  life can be so good.  

8:14 seniors

i remembered no city library today due to art wine fest.  i bought Sprouts clearance turkey sandwich, swam, came to sunny library shady spot, ate half sandwich at 11 i was hungry, shake didn't last from 5 am.  maybe another with chips.  i remembered to bring chips hurrah!  i played on puzzle 'til 1:30 break time.  i'm happy listening to my healing music.  i actually feel happy just a tinge of punishment fear.  

Rocky and Bullwinkle referred to Joel Kupperman so l looked him up, Quiz Kid genius.  huh.  you never know what you'll learn from a cartoon.

i found large print Can't Wait to Get to Heaven and i was in heaven.  i sat on the patio eating potato chips and reading.  i stopped at nob hill for salad bought hazel nuts and pineapple drink, 2 burritos.  i ate peach avocado salad with half turkey sandwich.  

6:59 am senior center-Gondola

and raring to go.  or maybe roaring or ?  i don't know.  i love people watching here.  i considered going to Lucky's for freebie.  i loaded here and I've never gone and come back before.  

Dino Medar helps out here.  he'd make a great administrator.  

looked up gelsemium homeopathic for various uses.  reading How Healing Works.  Sunnyvale copy has all pages.  city missing pages.  

I asked for help copying.  4 machines.  whew!  all touch screen.  i puzzled, sat read How Healing Works, basically Wayne Jonas Md doesn't know so various healing examples from around the world.  inspired me to research avocado trees.  Mexicola plant 3-4 years to fruit.   when i looked online 10 years ago limited info and 10 years from planting to fruit for Haas.  

i'm feeling optimistic.  my master bath faucet is finally working.  i changed the aerator.  when Della's David plumber installed 2 faucets and replaced rusted kitchen sink trap pipe $700 the faucet dribbled.  i asked him to turn up the water pressure he refused afraid of old pipes when all along it was a clogged aerator.  maybe previously used definitely mineral stopped up.

Wow! Ryan Seacrest only likes Whites.  He's prejudiced.  73 years of experience tells me so.

Diana bagels

i gave half to Cody, a bag of ripe avocados, 2 apples.  and bag of ripe to Diana Price.  and a bag to Toki.  

day of remembrance

last night's debate as expected.  no debate just trump performing.   he says nothing to encourage people to fill in the blanks.  he's very well rehearsed.  hearse on the way to a funeral.  he puts the fun in funeral.  he has no respect for life.

home at 4 pm i worked through my dread and depression to pay car insurance and order duplicate rebate check.  must happen a lot, auto function to replace check.  i won $25 monopoly and the form requires all kinds of info.  certified mail charges $3.15.   ugh, what a lot of work for little.  like mom.

i didn't charge chrome

it went down to 7 % and wiped everything.  i recovered easily.  calmly.

i considered scam fraud presentation 9-10 and decided my water massage more important.  schedule conflict.  Monday Wednesday or Friday better for me.  after a week i need my water massage.  Ruth showed up since before Covid no plans to come back.  she looks like she's suffered a huge loss.  a different person.

Cooking Swaps: 1/4 c. banana or plain apple sauce=1 large egg                                        1/2 c. plain apple sauce=1 c. butter   

sunny library

I showered at 24 forgot my neckerchief went back.  I decided to drive king's road checked mileage .4 to bank.  

64 % humidity.  feels like Hawaii.  slow internet must be the number of people logged on.  

survived another dad death day

amazed myself.  both parents suicidal scares me.  I'm afraid of killing myself by accident like mom swallowing an entire bottle of sleeping pills.  or dad doubling his medication and cardiac arrest.  

oh, well here I am.  divine order day.  no urges.  i decided to dress and just feel.  i picked up 2 dozen fruit, put in trunk.  hot and sweaty 54% i went to 24 hour fitness only parking way in back, showered, stretched, checked lucky's tuna creations one free.  walked through big lots and decided to walk around the back.  pleasant shady.    

forgot to check Citibank mileage proceeded to St Justin and Charity gave me lunch and weekend bag more tuna creations.  library wonderful.  comfortable, quiet.  

I read, puzzled, thought, felt, relaxed.  at 4 I can go home or somewhere else.  

city closed admission Monday.  county and sunny open reg hours.  

I'm so comfortable 1:30 pm

9 am I showered at 24, bought my chips at lucky's.  I remembered how to get to Inge's house and picked up bottles.  I didn't get lost this time.   10:30 am I didn't want to rush so i went to seniors.  lunch was ok Fred got there before me.  it was nice for someone else to save our seats.  Hilde waits until everyone leaves I got extra lunch for dinner.  I drove to recycle 15 minutes $10, stopped at Sprouts, on to central.  parked under.

8:45 good too parking at 24 fitness-25 years conflicted dad's death

funny I never noticed most are mesmerized on their devices.   

8 am air not good warning to sensitives.  67 degrees now 90 projected.  

went to Sprouts after lunch to check bakery and clearance so much added.  they had boba to add to drinks 6/pk 99 cents.  Jane was at central I could tell her.  honey, strawberry, lychee.  chickpea puffs, monkfruit packets, body armor, raw vinegar dressing.  clearance kids' turkey bag lunch.

John Bradshaw family secrets; what are my needs and priorities?

I AM PEACE.  92 degrees outside.

Diana gave me 33 new monopoly tickets, Diane her rejects.  I'm entering them.  

brilliant Costco 1& 2 miles 4.2 between

sunny was a mess with tanker impeding progress.  I drove to SC 4.2 miles.  price is the same $4.10 online.  Fred reminded me of sediment in gasoline stirred up.  

Fred wanted to buy me ice cream.  I deflected to Joanne, she needs it.  I shared half my fig with him.  I suggested we three split one scoop he wanted his own and Toki said she had some in freezer.  a good time was had by all.

i'm healing listening to YouTube and reading Bradshaw family secrets.  full of great questions.  I spent my childhood running from punishment.  I was the sacrifice, the one to suffer punishment for the family sins, the one burned with incense forced not to make a sound.  denied personhood.

my 73 teen age angst

24 internet is very slow or maybe a bug in the city chrome or 24.  very humid.

2 days of complete and total rest.  my 8 years of inactivity saved by being musclebound or my heart would have atrophied.  funny how that worked out.  and the inch and a quarter I stretched kept me from being obese just overweight.  I'm tired of being the responsible one.  they blamed me for every disaster, punished me for every one of their failures.

Chase withdrawal, Walmart a-reds, glucose gold, beets, star one deposit, mission library.  I forgot Tuesday 11 open.  I remembered to mail life insurance and parked seniors.  so many unaware closed but for the county lunch program.  I scored extra lunch.  Sprouts sweet orange jerky 99 cents for 2.5 oz 16 left.  SCORE!

91 degrees at 1 pm.  AIR quality unhealthy making me sneeze indoors.  

i'm starting to like the retardation internet effect seems magical.  TA DA!!

3-4:30 ate weird leftover tamale pie.  bitter zucchini less bitter cold.  

whew! survived another month-free pizza

i'm comfortable w/o hot spot.  amazing me.  I used to get so agitated and feel cheated or deprived.  gone.  

I have 5 minutes to dawdle before pool shower.  

I started watching DUNE 2.  due tomorrow 5 available.  pretty good i'm remembering a lot.  such a hellish time of my life 1972.  the loneliest.  I wonder about Walter.  married to his dad.  i've never really had a relationship.  hard to miss what I never had.  

i remembered i have tuna pasta in trunk with Sau bread perfect lunch.  St Just closed for Labor day holiday.  I have Mac nuts garlic onion powder, dried cherries, jerky.  

3:57 pm 2 free pizza at sunny library.  I parked in the shade at pd.  dug out 2 puzzles to return.  8 free pizzas on table in front I took med veg and individual cheese.  just sitting in shade.  homeless guy complained cold pizza.  made me laugh.  guard too enjoyed freebie.  I was just realizing no lunch Monday.  confirmation i'm on the right track.  I drove the easy way.

it's my prerogative

internet must be heavily loaded.  Walter is eating lunch with seniors.  he's taking care of himself.  he's socializing.  nourish the body and spirit.  our parents were so terrified of other people.  3 lin, small Gloria, ugly cut in line while I was keeping order in lobby.  they're dead to me.  killed themselves.  I pointed it out, they disrespected me, chose to treat me as non existent.  now they don't exist in my world.  ghosts.  

1 pm main new puzzle.  boring.  eh.  I can do or not do.  I have 3 movies I can watch.  

I picked up my freebie recover drink and 5 party size chips for price of 2.  3x monopoly.  I'm having more fun.  

6:50 am

terrible slow hiccups online internet.  I think a bug.   

lunch ok.  Toki and Fred.  Mike in intensive care at Kaiser.  flashback 9/5/1999.  and 6/13/2017 O'Connor.  

Walter tried to play "God ain't it awful."  I won't play.  he starts complaining in general then his stomach he abuses I refuse to listen or condone his complaints he has created.  doesn't serve anyone.  he actually thinks it's funny he can laugh in his misery without me.

literal carrots

 i've been setting my auto pilot for the wrong carrots.  I want carats.  

RESET.  94 degree day.  library wonderful.  I parked underneath.  I don't even care everything on the dash fell.  I located new daily word, I'm set for next month so far.  car insurance good.  aaron's mom frantic.  I helped on puzzle so he can eat 4:30 or she won't leave.  I ate lunch leftover pasta chicken at 3 when I got here.  

with unlimited funds I would live in a retirement community and be chauffered.  

feeling sad wanting to cry-CRASH!!

then I remembered dad's death day and the hell Alien put us through.  my body reacts before my mind catches up.  no wonder i'm feeling exhausted.  I didn't sleep due to Alien's machinations for months kissing up to mom leaving him with me to listen to him whine and cry, begging for death.  having him wake me at all hours and still having to work to pay my bills.

I commiserated with Walter.  he came to lunch.  I know how hard it is to stay motivated when the stick is gone.  I prefer 'carrots'.  I have to change my perception.  I've been creating literal carrots.  

CRASH!!  took an hour totally stressed out to get back into blogger.  first I forgot .com so I couldn't use invalid address.  then it locked me out of ymail to Google.  AUGHH!!  texts I couldn't retrieve in my phone.  

ch-ch-changes

I showered, swam, picked up st just lunch and bag.  ate lunch main cafe.  upstairs poor little boy babysitting his mother at puzzle table.  he's the adult in the relationship.  poor thing.  dragged around like a stuffed toy.  my childhood was the same.  we were just along for their convenience.  we went where the parents wanted to go.  kids learn to shut up and put up to survive.  

his name is Aaron 5 half no school.  mother is a tiny liar.  claims to have younger daughter just like Alien.  looks me in the eye and lies.  not as good at lying as Alien.  she's saying at 3 pm she wanted to finish the puzzle and has cold cooked lunch at home.  she has a child she's starving.  he's so skinny.  now I know why there are so many diabetics.  sugar rhythm out of wack from dysfunctional childhood.  another form of abuse, neglect, criminal parenting.  he won't know what he feels from being denied existence.  I know from my own life experience i'm recovering now.  it hurts me to watch.

sunday 9:30 dozing since 5 I can't stay awake.  I want to watch "sweet little beet" Bullwinkle cartoon about being abused by 2 sisters.  in the end she decides to go home to the devils she knows.  truly human behavior.  slept more 'til 12:30 I need to eat whether hungry or not.  I made tuna sandwich.  chips.  

"a thunder of jets in an open sky, a streak of grey and a cheerful Hi!  a loop, a whirl and a vertical climb and once again you'll know it's time for the Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends."  

picked up pasta sauce-almost forgot to return SPOT

to go with free cooked pasta, grapefruit wine double monopoly this weekend.  

New Seasons Wednesday 65+ senior discount 10%.  

I almost went home with it.  I remembered in second elevator.  

going according to plan

saw Dave and pretended everything ok.  he has 2 ex wives.  not just the horrible Megan.  being dysfunctional has it's perks.  I can pretend everything is fine.

I was going to return spot but i'll wait 'til tomorrow after loading freebie.  gave Cody more fruit.  I'm on Facebook.  he mentioned my perfect pitch.  I'm used to it.  I did karaoke so much.

freebie 9.52 skinny pasta.  lunch ok I was starving.  cloudy overcast.  

8 moth day

and more is being revealed.  house is the only place i've encountered moths.  something about the family.

Walter day

like Monday when Jessica had to check in everyone in the gym using paper and pencil the computer malfunctioned and omitted a lot of people from today's lunch reservation list.  Jessica, Jennifer, Dino made sandwich sack lunches not enough hot ordered.  Walter showed up visibly upset so I made him go home for nourishment first told him 45 minutes.  another hen died.  I told him each death reminds him of his losses, they're all still dead.  and reaching out to his senior community is a huge step forward.  if I can save him 10 minutes of pain using my experiences it's worth it.  and i'm consolidating,reinforcing my gains.  and I played on the puzzle.

our families isolated, abused and neglected us teaching us to do it to ourselves.  bunk!  no more of that.  

so I might go to sunny sewing or not.  my choice.  I watched half of people puzzler.  

living my truth

 feels threatening.  paid Discover.  put out bins.

well, Dave had a melt down after announcing he didn't drink last night.  I wondered at his anxiety level.  he has pedophile issues and doesn't question Trump's behavior choosing to believe his lies even though he's molested so many women. Dave's book will still change thinking patterns.  maybe not his own.  I consider people's actions not words.  talk is cheap.  page 21 adult survivors of toxic family members familiar lies are comforting and feel safe, the devil you know.

i brought the extra groceries to the senior park.  I considered St J but it didn't feel right.  10 I had a snack in the rose garden.  lovely.  the new me.  

I talked to Cody at central.  he mentioned the online singing for Elvis Presley death day said i'm even more famous now.  I told him senior front desk complimented me next day.  I love maniacs who make me laugh.  there's a bunch online I couldn't find mine.

blah

upset stomach, sore body.  all I did yesterday.  and my restlessness this morning.  I took out garbage and recycle.  so much I want to do without forcing or torturing myself.  finding and keeping the balance of doing and being.  

I cooked veg meatballs in the malfunctioning toaster oven making it work for me.  delicious 5 per serving.  

i'm still feeling unenthusiastic.  I checked hours for Walmart and cup library.  I'm being kind to myself.  later this week.  I'm resting.  

Dave showed up 10

talked with him 'til 11.  best relationship.  St J pantry since there is no working elevator at the library.  home at noon I put away the pantry.  eggs, celery, cauliflower.  other weird things.  they froze fresh strawberries a mess.  a lot of garbage.

I wore a new dark blue paisley broom skirt as a strapless dress with a shrug.  the new me.  the old me wouldn't have had the nerve.  I'm watching cartoons and feeling good.  

I prepped the strawberries and ate them plain, delicious.  

1975 a boy and his dog and gaslight 1944.  classics.  movies that shaped my life.  

no season 7 at library

i'll check you tube for the love boat.  I loaded free Gatorade water and walked lucky's checking mac treat and burrito supply.  

I learned a new word: inerrant-infallible, without errors.  page 24.  I'm reading Dave's book.  so many questions and answers.  

i'm reading and laughing.  it occurred to me Dave is worried about obesity he should eat here.  lunch with Fred, Melvin, finally Toki.  

best Friday ever!  I was feeling so tired sick went to college Safeway for sushi and free water, tried fruit tart loved it.  macadamia $7 on sale $8 reg price.  home I'm still feeling tired, happy baby.  bad air.  

oh, oh.  csaa car insurance email.  terrible on a Friday to worry all weekend.  psych trick.  

Healer's Prayer page 24 ACIM textbook.  I am here only to be truly helpful.  I am here to represent He Who sent me.  I do not have to worry about what to say or what to do, because He Who sent me will direct me.  I am content to be wherever He wishes knowing He goes there with me.  I will be healed as I let Him teach me to heal.

home and rest

I talked with Dave for an hour in the tub then Cody bookmobile.  new me is relaxed.  I returned how healing works missing pages 5-8 after getting a complete copy from sunny.

the air makes me sick.  my stomach, throat, you name it.  as soon as i'm indoors I feel ok.  outside is toxic.

home 1:45 just in time for love boat wrap up.  season 7 I don't remember.  I walked sprouts sampling snacks.  

i'm pampering myself.  

i'm having more fun

i soaked twice.  I actually sleep in the tub I get so relaxed.  happiness is not caring about the small stuff and realizing it's all small stuff.  I'm drinking protein and feeling better.  stronger.  

read a lot

I have new hope for peace.  all it takes is 2 believing it's possible.  peace in our time.  Trump is speaking his lies on Univision tonight.  he'll say anything.  I remember his splitting up families at the Mexican border and treating immigrants like trash.  he treated them all, men women children as criminals putting them in separate prisons.  

Dave's book is written to change thinking.  it's changing mine.  I have hope for world peace and peace has begun with me.

home to watch people puzzler at 3 pm rest watched people place thing drove to sunny first parking space.  Andy was personable as ever.  sewed my white denim skirt that I made from pants.  added elastic casing.  used new baby lock machine.  lots of plastic.  hmm..  maybe lighter weight.  walked sprouts corn bread piece.  home 9:30.

prosperity

so beautiful sitting here Cupertino library upstairs reclining.  I showered at gym 9 am new cleaning from 8-9.  considered big lots.  decided later.  arrived 9:50 tried returning movies outside, 2 only accepted inside machine.  weird.  

I started getting hungry and surprise too sweet jerky.  I have all I need.  took me 2 hours to read people magazine.  very restful.  I can't ever remembering feeling this content.  this calm.  found book on healing depression.  healing is my focus, my purpose.  healing myself heals my part of the universe.  healing is contagious.

stopped big lots insoles, macadamia, orange walnuts, 

home 2:15 Olympic closing ceremony.  so many millions, billions spent on increasing global warming.  SUICIDE.   partying while the planet goes up in flames.  we'll asphyxiate first.  burn up all the oxygen.  

i'm hungry-city wide yard sales

I picked up st just lunch, considered Northside anniversary too much driving.  sitting eating my lunch in library cafe looked for and found Dave dewars roberts bully patrol working on world peace page 14 Goodreads and page 16 Amazon.  he promised me a copy.

2 pm i realized how tired i was feeling.  home and rest.  i spent the morning looking through the car for costco rebate check from february i lost track of after the tesla car episode.  at Costco I filled gas tank.  7:45 am little traffic just today.  

perfectly relaxed

I'm thinking differently.  Andy didn't offer me his carabiner, he gave it to me to look at and I assumed.  I traded it back to him.  he's so gracious.  oh, i'm too funny.  

after lunch I went to Citibank paid Costco then picked up lucky freebie, 2 clearance BLT salads, 3 tuna pasta, blue cheese olives.  

2 nights in a row

I slept without waking every 2 hours.  OMG HUGE!!  usually once a month if that much.  2 nights in a row is amazing.  maybe the new supplements ashwaganda, passionflower, plus CBD, extra tub time, extra protein Ensure I don't care as long as it works.  and keeps working.

moth er

so many I thought Mitzi moth and mom always with the moth balls.  I suppose ok for both, third daughters so much alike.  and ailing=Sadie sadist.  

playing hooky

91 degrees.  sprouts clearance sandwich, greens, chicken tenders, mango lillikoi.  I thought about sewing at sunny but too hot.  I'll wait 'til it's cooler.  spent the afternoon at main.  

an hour to finish color puzzle.

senior cool and comfortable.  savory snack for b'fast.  my back feels ok my heart is heavy.  finished color puzzle 8 am.

10:30 back to puzzling.  Mallory asked me to sort repeated puzzles for downstairs.  done and done.  she has new ones.

white couple insultingly legally stupid.  playing cards on puzzle table too stupid to read sign.  too stupid too move.  I just waited.  I told them rules are to keep society civilized.  I asked if first day she said no was it mine I just looked at her as stupid answered no.  

I puzzled 'til 3:30 Jane came along to impress workmen trying to connect computer copier talking too loudly I whispered to her and told her I was going to pool.  he looked at me so gratefully.  6 pm I went to sprouts looking for dinner bought 4 CBD.  they charge tax.  

eureka

i found my car macadamia and too sweet jerky.  I've been organizing groceries and bills since 6:30.  

                                                                                                          my hips are sore.  i've been feeling loosy goosy.  the only way to describe this weird feeling.  this blog is behaving loosy goosy.  a true reflection of my energy now.  must be sugar.  too much sugar.  I was never keen on sugar as a kid.  I didn't like the fallout.  funny how I connected it together.  most people still don't.  like they can't feel their bodies.  explains obesity.  constant exhaustion from weight lifting.  carrying around 50 extra pounds all day is work.   I organized Chase, bank, life papers not since 2 years.  and the world is just fine.  so much of what we do isn't necessary.                                                                                                                                                                    lunch I mixed rainbow greens with tamarind pulled chicken and parmesan bagel.  dinner I wanted hash and greens.  almond Danish dessert.

lovely 64 degrees

seniors 7:55 am I organized car.  I love relaxing and living stress free.  i'd have enjoyed my life.  never too late, I appreciate my life.  I puzzled 'til 9, showered refreshed, I went to Sprouts had 2 CBD gummy, seltzer sale, rocky road, trying sale sugar beef jerky.  ooh with micro greens.  

I had 15 minutes to St Just 6 minutes to spare for lunch pick up.  corn chips, almond pastry.  Charity so sweet.  by the time I parked she had it ready.  everything in trunk staying cold.  parked under main library.  ate lunch in crowded cafe.  finished half done ocean puzzle at closing.

4 pm I decided I still want my Cupertino movie 'ministry of ungentlemanly warfare'.  here I am.  81 degrees very humid day 57%.  oh dear 5 pm already.  I love love love the quiet company.  no one bitching, moaning, or complaining.  they want me to feel sorry for them I just feel annoyed.

oooo, bad air quality.  stay indoors air conditioning.  stay hydrated.  stayed 'til 6:30 closing car in beautiful shade.  considered eating rocky road.  not yet.  for dinner.  home for jeopardy and wheel.

banking today-happy Friday to me

I picked up my free dark chocolate peanut chew and 2 clearance chicken bacon Cesar salads for the price of 1 $1.98, go figure.  I showered and finally found the orange that turned into a science experiment in my gym roller.  meant for Toki I forgot.  it dissolved in my swim so I will wash.  another mystery solved.

I ate one salad with a peach so delicious I offered the other salad to Marie Walter's friend no or Sydney.  I have another peach too.  b'fast was ensure drink.

I love living relaxed.  life has been a burden.  had my entire life been one of ease i could enjoy being.

Trudy and Kenny held the table.  I was too tired.  they were late opening and still scanning cards takes Nahyoung forever.  Fred, Mike and Melvin showed up before Toki.  Diane sat with us.  everyone likes meatloaf and mash.  I went to Sprouts kids meal $3.84, 2 sale CBD seltzer, 2 green sprouts closing out Moana loa mango lillikoi $4.  withdrew at Flora chase I want to deposit in cup.

super early seniors/survived another july

all ready and I considered recycle not today.  so I came and rested.  I gathered my thoughts.  I am peacefully listening to my you tube healing.  a 180 from 2008.  I came early to ensure close parking.  I couldn't sleep, couldn't walk much.  sitting, everything was torture.  i've learned to cope and become more comfortable.

bob Marley 'one love' very moving and confusing.  how can he have compassion for the world yet have so little respect and understanding for his wife expecting her to raise his illegitimate children.  rhetorical.  

'Big George Foreman' second time became world champion at 45.  

ah, Walter came by Minnie died.  he was cuddling tootsie.  he cried we commiserated onward and upward.

I remembered to mail life post office, dropped off avocados at Carlos', he put up metal security door, I'm so jealous, home 3 pm.

end of month

of course my crown came off.  the miracle it was glued easily.  and last night i rested instead of forcing myself beyond my limit.  WIN!!

I dozed hour and half in tub.  I feel almost good.  lunch fun with Toki, Fred, Mike.  I enjoyed the tortilla soup.  I digested and nothing at sprouts straight to sunny by ECR.  lots of parking at 1 pm.  

5 pm 82 at home and sunny 75 degrees.  

gummies unglued crown

11 pm is not the first time.  I'll call dentist first thing.  good I have liquid b'fast.  no popcorn no gum no gummies.

6:34 am called left message.  Ashley left message while I was in pool 8:08.  returned call 9:11 immediate appointment done by 9:46 considered library or st just too rushed do it later.  i guess God insisted i get my goody bag toothbrush and dental floss that i forgot last week.

lunch remembering to baby tooth.  soft food bean cheese burrito, salad and corn.  Toki, Fred, Mike, Melvin.  best company.  Tita has new friend to impress ordered Ted to sit with her so she's surrounded by men.  Tita island.  

I could go sunny tomorrow when due.  I picked up and charged central spot.  I feel like a queen surveying my queen dom.  air quality bad today library.  home on border of ok air.  easy puzzle. 

i'm feeling a little tired.

peach ensure for b'fast

awoke 6 relaxed not ready for the day.  oh, well.  I let go.  seniors afternoon parking space in case I decide to tub twice.  I keep wanting to run away.  "fear is the mind killer."  DUNE.  

Gloria Navarette came by the computer room to commiserate regarding care taking parents.  and that her doctor kept her waiting 45 minutes late for health results she has osteoporosis.  No suggestions or advice.  horrible.  I gave her coupons for max protein ensure low sugar.  more as a reminder what to get.  nothing worse than feeling incapable, powerless and uncared for.  it may not help then again it may.  

75 degrees I can go home or wait for pool already 3 pm.  

home 5 pm bartolo  put out green bins picked up very late.

waiting at walmart since 8 am

customer service doesn't open 'til 9 now.  used to open 8.  oh, well.  I shopped and found peach ensure.  same values as chocolate and strawberry.  not sweet.  so i let black female get money order even though i knew i'd be faster.  and i bought vanilla and strawberry.  I love I don't have to talk to anyone if I don't want to.

lucky's Sara .9 miles I got my free water and bought hot chick pot for lunch.  I'm still 10 minutes early.  parked backward in shade I can see entrance.  man from 24 hour used to trash mercury news parked next to me.

bradshaw family secrets pg 77 the darker the secrets the stronger the pretense of normal stability the harsher the punishments for perceived disloyalty or betrayal.  children have limited perception.  

so much life

I can't believe i've lived this long.  the last 50 years technology has created a false advancement.  we have more things and worse air, food value, health, happiness.  most people are too busy to enjoy what they have.  

I can't believe the power of denial.  the Paris opening of the Olympics when Ukraine is so close in proximity.  Trump has promised to let Putin take it just like Hitler was given Poland.  and these crazy people spend millions on frivolous when Ukraine is life and death.  People are being murdered.

i'm not doing anything.  I'm a human being.  i'm praying for the world.

justin Bieber never say never 2011 tour amazing he started music at 2.  tremendous mom.  she did everything right to give him his best life. 

some people are allergic to heaven.

cartoon woman dissed me for the second and last time.  she took the part of the puzzle I was putting together like I wasn't there.  I told her no one has disrespected me in a long time.  she apologized like she didn't do it being two years old.  what a crock.  I could hit her in the face and apologize like it never happened.  I am angry.  my family is programmed mentally deficient, she has earned no right.  I hate her so much.  she looks like a cartoon hill billy.  I gave her the chance to act human but she's a cartoon.  she's dead to me like my sisters are dead.  don't exist.  i've been exceedingly gracious.  

playing hooky

yum!  I rewarded myself Mauna loa rocky road $3.99 with coupon.  I bought 2 ragu flash sale.  I saved $6.60 +$1.50.  

I swam gave Cody avocados.  I think they're being pollinated with Haas.  they're bigger and ovoid and greener.  

this morning I was #22/25 for a hot spot and it's ready.  so i'll pick up Tuesday and return sunny and sew.

I love making plans and keeping them, a very satisfying feeling.

wow 3 pm 88 degrees.  

waiting for pool to open

so far so good.  Albert here seniors to fix ceiling leak.  Hello.  

seniors

I love no traffic.  fun swim pool noodles and new   lunch ok, toki didn't want to sit with the guys.  tiny tamale pie.  Martin gave me peas.  

94 degrees 3 pm nob hill parking 82 degrees.  I considered main central too much driving.  I want to pick up holds at sunny.  driving in the heat it occurred to me to eat dinner at nob hill.  and I found Mac onion and garlic, tuna jerky, dark chocolate cranberry bites, pitted dates for Kyochan, 2 clearance recovery drink $1 ea.  

so i'm sitting relaxing, charging spot and chrome while watching people.  heaven.  my favorite hobby.  

spaghetti b'fast-dentist 1/18-7/22 6 month check

so good.  i'm sure Italians have it all the time.  

what's wrong with me.  George is back.  parking lot he approached me when his date fell through.  he wanted me to entertain him.  thank God i'd already eaten and had dentist appointment.  no arguments.  no discussion.  he asked if I remembered him.  like I could forget how insulting for him to want to add me to his collection.  My friend.  huh!  made me feel dirty and deficient.

3:35 pm at the library.  I got to dentist 1:30 to fill out papers again.  15 minutes.  Ian polished again.  Lavanya Ankala dds 15 minutes cleaning.  EVOO is still working.  2:30 pm sprouts half cherry pie and mix greens.  

i binge watched 'roar'-big lots closing

'cat ballou' 1965 is the last movie in my library collection.  i'm ready to return loans.  Mitzi and I watched it on TV so many times.  

everything hurts.  my legs, back, hips.  I'm watching 'Dark Crystal'.  

it's not just me.  the internet crashed taking my settings with it took 'til 2:02 to figure it out.  got back my settings.  the old me would have felt a frustrated loser and given up.  

i went to big lots, lucky's, gym.  home 9:15 pm i ate pint of mauna loa vanilla.  

83 degrees? forecast

we'll see.  an hour to organize car, i'm feeling tired, sore and don't want to do anything.   my stomach hurts.  the smoky air is triggering post nasal drip.  wearing a mask, wet towel or finding air conditioning.  hmm..

I decided to stay in.  stay cation.  

'Society of Magical Negroes'  Asians are the invisible servants.  The movie made me consider what humility Asian men suffer.  I know I was treated like a hooker even called Suzie Wong.  

paid discover phone.

no freebie-underground parking car tags-freebie cold brew

I did buy 4 bags light salt lay's for $6.  internet interruptions online story my biggest worry is not able to access accounts.  I read an account in AARP phone cloning.  another reason NOT to do online accounts.  wah... I forgot my monopoly 10 tickets.  

3:30 at main 93 degrees.  i finished leopard puzzle.  i had to wait for my fave chair.  soaked in good vibes.   

I want to read and play games.  I put registration tag on the car, first time my license plate number on it.  and I tagged my suitcase with a return address label and added my phone number.  third times the charm.  

as I was leaving 6 pm closing I checked lucky's back online and I got my monopoly tickets @ Sara prune ridge and successfully loaded Starbucks.  1985 when I wanted iced coffee people were horrified.  ice tea but not coffee.  

my eyes are burning so many fires

and it's interfering with my ice cream eating upsetting my digestion.

and the droner was holding people hostage in the tub so I paddled the warm pool.  he harshes my mellow.  ear pollution.

i love reading my blog.  lunch good nasi goreng like lots of left overs.  mmm... with pickles.  

Lhosa needed a 2 block ride home.  took me 10 minutes to clear front seat.  i did it and then went to main.  finished leopard sky puzzle.  rested, read magazines fun, fun, silly willy.  home 5 pm game shows.  still republic trump on tv.  

Edith kanaka ole

I found 60 cents in the change machine.  why I check.  I love finding money.  

2:30 main discrepancy in temp car said 76 weather service said 68 so I came where it doesn't matter.  

i'm running away.  probably the sugar from ice milk.  

+35 cents.   I came home 6:30.  still republican convention posturing.  

sprouts 7 am 3 beef jerky $1.49 ea

solar storms messing with reception.  

aahhh...  3:37 snack pint of Mauna loa rocky road to Hana.  I keep expecting law of diminishing returns but no.  just as delicious.

I am blessed.  6 am I went out to pick up fruit and my $100 key was lying by my back tire.  

martha security at library brought my gym bag to front desk.  she stopped to say hello as my prayer partner.  

housekeeping-'i'm Dickens he's Fenster'

i'm doing the details.  I picked up fruit.  put into bags at seniors.  sorted magazines. 

I didn't remember they were carpenters like dad.  I thought they had various jobs.  mostly they got into trouble.  like family they argued all the time and loved each other.  

lunch good and crowded.  Jane, Melvin, Diane besides regulars Fred and Mike.  did Toki mention avocados?  I puzzled 'til 4:30 and came home.  ate leftover fish, rice, Cole slaw.

must be a lot of solar flares.  reception is shot.  took an hour to pay my phone online.