apathy

could be i'm just tired and ate poorly.  i ate 2 white bread sandwiches for dinner and b'fast.  or muscles tired from sorting groceries.  onward and upward.  some days lots of energy today none. or end of month blues.  

i parked next to seniors and i prefer to across street.  huh.  parking was taken when i got here.  and this is even better.   much better view.  lovely cool.  stretched picked up lunch.  cody book mobile 10-noon 8 new movies.   

lots to read so i'm playing the games i dumped yesterday.  internet's just so slow.  i go back and forth between tabs.

home 2:30 washed recycle.  i wanted to toss with garbage but couldn't.  could be my autism.  i can't not recycle because of my love and respect for the planet.  i can't take it for granted and i prefer my yard natural.  this valley was beautiful when it was natural and wild.  people go to parks and litter.  they cut down the trees.  it's like they build parks to cage and conquer nature.  how sick is that.

4:45 jason beal fire man called survey yard weeds tomorrow 8 am.  whew.  gave me stomach ache.  i'm feeling sad again that i can't do it myself.  needing help makes me feel weak, vulnerable, open to attack.  my sisters.  another opportunity to grow.  ugh.  

i want to be strong and healthy.  i'm feeling overwhelming shame and fear.  a lifetime of emotional blackmail conditioned into my body by my 'family'.