reliving my birth 4;30

so painful, squished, cold, skin cold hurts all over.  my stomach hurts in sympathy.  crying starts the lungs working.  feeling helpless hopeless, trapped in a prison.  everything too loud too bright too cold.  mom repeatedly told me i was a blue baby not enough oxygen.  she constantly reinforced my failings like i could do anything about them.  she tormented ridiculed denigrated my existence making me wish i'd never been born.  constantly reminding me i was a disappointment not being a boy.  i would have been the alcoholic suicide of the family drama.  my designation.  my claim to family fame.

sadness and depression logical result, eh.  

so i'm keeping on.  i toasted a senior sandwich, cooked 5 med eggs.  organized my supplements.  i feel i need glucosamine.  i substituted co q 10.  something missing.  i'm doing what i know.