grace or karma

i woke remembering the sadness i feel for my niece and nephews.  what a world.  i thought the unseen was bad before and it's worse.

i decided i wasn't capable of raising happy healthy people knowing the tortured existence i suffered.  children are too precious to me to take the chance of adding to the planet pain.  i knew i didn't have the ability to raise a child on my own and didn't have a healthy community to help me.  the world wasn't a safe enough place for children.  i can't perpetuate what i lived.  i want better for the children.  my sisters wanted insurance against loneliness.  "misery loves company" i just understood the stephen king title.

i couldn't do that to another soul.  i'm suffering enough.  i don't need to add more suffering to the planet.  even the joy is tainted with sadness.  i would suffer more knowing i created children to suffer with me.  i can't cry after being beaten and humiliated for crying.  my tears sit in a knot in my gut.

my right temple hurts down the side through my jaw.

i stopped at main library to pick up films and i decided to look through neighborhood freebies around the corner.  i found sony disc man with av plug.  works great the only thing it doesn't turn off.  i removed battery.  

i stopped at st j to say hi because they haven't been open.  chris gave me 2 huge bags of groceries;  eggs, celery, bread, tuna, rice, squash, potatoes, tofu, coffee cake, frozen chicken, edamame, 2 pk tortillas, cucumbers, onions, kiwi, 

limitless- jim kwik memory book.  i'm watching dr. oz.  avocado, blueberries, olive oil, broccoli, eggs. "a boob e".  using body memory touch head, nose, mouth, ears, throat.