THIS WAS MY CHILDHOOD

I'M FEELING DISCONNECTED.  I HAD NO RIGHTS, PRIVACY, PERSONAL LIFE.  NO LIFE.  I WAS ISOLATED THEN.  MY FAMILY HAD LIVES.  MOM DAD WORKED, HAD FRIENDS.  MITZI, AILEEN HAD FRIENDS.  I WASN'T ALLOWED.  THEIR SUCCESSES WERE LAUDED WHILE MY SUCCESSES DENIGRATED, LABELED LUCK.  AND THEN MY SUCCESSES APPROPRIATED AS THEIR SUCCESSES.

I WANT TO GET BACK TO MY PROJECTS.  I WANT TO RUN AWAY FROM MY FEELINGS.

WATCHED SOME CONCENTRATION.  LEFT HOME 10;20 ARRIVED SENIORS LUNCH LINE 10;25 GREEN LIGHTS.  WITHIN 10 MINUTES 6 CARS BEHIND ME.  LOVELY 60o OVERCAST DAY.  I FEEL I SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING.  I TOOK OUT GARBAGE.  THERE'S SO MUCH MORE WITHOUT RETURNING IT TO SENIORS.

I'M CONTINUING TO ORGANIZE AND SORT.  LIKE THINGS THAT WERE JUMBLED TOGETHER ARE NOW LOVED.  THAT TO ME IS EVERYTHING IN ITS PLACE.  I'LL BE LOVED WHEN I FIND MY PLACE.  WHEN I'M IN MY PLACE. 

I'M FEELING LONELY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.  I WAS ALWAYS PUT UPON BY MY FAMILY WAITING FOR THE NEXT GIMME.  THAT'S GONE.  THE UNIVERSE HATES A VACUUM.  I'LL HAVE TO CONSCIOUSLY FILL IT OR TAKE MY CHANCES WHICH I CHOOSE NOT TO GAMBLE WITH MY LIFE HAPPINESS.  I NEVER BEFORE BELIEVED I DESERVED IT.  I NEVER HAD TIME TO CONSIDER.  THEY BATTERED ME PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY.  I NEVER BEFORE HAD A CHANCE WITH THEM ALWAYS DRAGGING ME DOWN SO THEY COULD FEEL SUPERIOR.

TOM ASKED ME LONG TIME AGO ABOUT FEELING LONELY.  MOSTLY I FELT GLAD MY FAMILY WAS LEAVING ME ALONE.  WE HAVE THE CHOICE OF RUNNING AWAY OR TOWARD.  TODAY I WANT TO CHOOSE TOWARD.  LIKE LUNCH.  I ENJOYED PUZZLING AND BEING ABLE TO CHOOSE WHO I INTERACTED WITH AT SENIORS. 

today tom lester-eb dawson died.  green acres 6 years of tv joy.  i feel sad.