A NEW HOPE

MY LIMITATIONS ARE MY THOUGHTS AND MY THOUGHTS CAN BE CHANGED.  LOUISE HAY.

7:30 PM.  I FINALLY GOT A LETTER FROM AUNTY.  IN MAY SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL 5 DAYS COLON CANCER.  I GUESS SHE'S TOO FRAGILE AT 90 FOR RADIATION OR CHEMO.

THIS A.M. I PUT OUT BINS AND WROTE  LIFE INSURANCE CHECK.  I HAD TO OPEN AND RESEAL WHEN I REMEMBERED I FORGOT TO WRITE DATE. 

CHECK ENGINE LIGHT CAME ON 38o.  MY CARS DON'T LIKE COLD.  8:45 I REMEMBERED I HAD CARLOS' #  IN MY PHONE AND CALLED.  RICH OF ROBERT HAS A DIAGNOSTIC AND SAID HIS LIGHT CAME ON/LEAK IN AIR SYSTEM AND WENT AWAY AFTER A WEEK.  I WENT AFTER LUNCH.  I TOOK CLEARANCE APPLE PIE, HE DIDN'T CHARGE ME.  A LEAK IN AIR SYSTEM.  I LOVE MY CAR. 

MINOR SETBACK

WORKING ON THE HOUSE DEPRESSES ME.  MY FAMILY TREATED ME AS THE MAID SO OF COURSE MY BODY REVERTS.  OUTSIDE PEOPLE LOVED, RESPECTED, INCLUDED ME.  AT SCHOOL AND WORK, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RESPOND.  OH. WELL GOD LOVES ME JUST THE WAY I AM.  GOD SHOWS ME THE WAY.

YESTERDAY I DID MY SUNNYVALE ROUTINE.  I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO BUY SUE AND HARRY FLASHLIGHTS AND THERE WEREN'T ANY.  THE ELECTRONIC SECTION WAS CLEARED OUT.  I'LL GIVE HER $5 BACK.  LIKE SHE DOESN'T KNOW THERE'S TAX.  I BOUGHT MORE ORANGE CRANBERRY MUFFINS, THE BEST.  XMAS WAS HALF OFF AT $UNNYVALE, 6 THINGS.  MARIA MICHAEL'S PURPLE HANKIES ARE $2.59, I BOUGHT THEM AT WESTGATE MICHAEL'S HALF OFF $1.29. 

I ATE LEFTOVERS AND A BURRITO AND SALAD/NUTS.  TYGJ.  GOD PUTS WONDERFUL THINGS IN MY PATH.  I ENJOYED THE COCA COLA I BOUGHT FOR $1.  I USUALLY DON'T LIKE SODA.  I DRANK BEETS.  PHYSICALLY I'M IMPROVING.  I WANT TO BE STRONG LIKE WONDER WOMAN.

VERY SWEET

YESTERDAY A MINI LEMON MERINGUE, CHOCOLATE CANDY, BITES.  I'VE NEVER EATEN SO MUCH SUGAR.  2018 THE YEAR OF SUGAR.  I'VE EATEN MORE THAN MY ENTIRE LIFE COMBINED.  MY JOINTS ARE SCREAMING.  I'M SO STIFF, SORE AND NORMAL.  THIS IS HOW THE WORLD FEELS.  BODY FULL OF TOXIC, POLLUTING SUGAR.

I DID TWO LOADS OF LAUNDRY.  YESTERDAY THE SHOWERS WERE BEING REPAIRED.  TODAY THEY HAVE HOT WATER.  SO I WASHED MY HAIR AND TOMORROW'S SATURDAY AND I CAN DO NOTHING IF I WANT.  MY BONES FEEL SO MUCH BETTER AFTER THE HOT TUB. 

1944 ARSENIC AND OLD LACE

NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I WATCH IT IT STILL MAKES ME LAUGH. 

I LOVE THE CLOSED CAPTIONING.  I DON'T MISS A WORD.  THE ACTING IS SO GOOD.  AND ON A BIG SCREEN I CAN SEE EVERY EXPRESSION.  IT MUST HAVE BEEN WONDERFUL IN THE THEATER LARGER THAN LIFE.  IT'S BETTER ON DVD.  I CAN WATCH IT OVER AND OVER.  ALL MY FAVORITE PARTS.

I'M  TAKING MY TIME AND HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME.  I HAD CHOCOLATE CHEESECAKE AT SENIOR LUNCH.  AND COSTCO PUMPKIN PIE LATER.  I HAVE ALL THOSE HAM DINNER LEFTOVERS.  HURRAY!!  TYGJ.

I'M EXERCISING, MY NERVES ARE STILL COMING BACK TO LIFE.  THEY HURT BUT WITH EXERCISING AND STRETCHING IT'S MANAGEABLE. 

I WANT TO BE WONDER WOMAN STRONG.

CANTERVILLE GHOST DAY

I'M WATCHING TWO DVDS BACK TO BACK.  1985 RICHARD KILEY& 1996 PATRICK STEWART.  MY FAVORITE OCCUPATION.  I MADE A LUNCH OF SCALLOPED, AND SWEET POTATOES, GREEN BEAN CASSEROLES,  HAM THAT TOOK AN HOUR TO CARVE AND PUT IN 7 QUART ZIPLOC BAGS.  I ADDED PINE NUTS.  YUM.

DINNER CHICKEN SOUP W/ BROWN/WILD RICE.  I ADDED YAMS, HAM, PINE NUTS.  PUMPKIN PIE I ADDED PECANS.  SO GOOD.

IT'S A PERFECT, BEAUTIFUL DAY.  FOOD, THE SENIORS' FAVORITE HOBBY.

CHRISTMAS EVE

I'M EXCITED FOR THE FIRST TIME.  AS AN ADULT I CAN MAKE AND HAVE A HAPPY, PEACE FILLED CHRISTMAS.  I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED.

I WRAPPED PRESENTS FOR MY SENIORS.

$TORE LIGHTS, NOTEPAD/PENS, BROWNIE PANS, A/D LOTION.  SOMETHING FOR MY TRUE FAMILY.  PEOPLE ON THE SAME PATH OF A SELF REALIZED LIFE.  IT'S NEVER TOO LATE FOR A HAPPY, HEALTHY LIFE.

THIS MORNING I DID MY REGULAR ROUTINE OF EXERCISE, SHOPPING, PICKED UP MY HAM DINNER 5 X POINTS.  LOADED BINS, PUT THEM OUT.

HAD BURRITO AND FROZEN TURKEY DINNERS.  I BOUGHT CHERRY TARTS, DUTCH APPLE, PUMPKIN PIES.  I'M SET FOR THE WHOLE WEEK.

I GIVE MYSELF A VACATION FROM MY USUAL LIFE.

MONDAY I FELL ASLEEP 9:30-1130.  DREAM OF FRITZ/BUGS DEATH. 

I FINALLY SLEPT 2-8. 12:30 PM-HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.  AT SENIORS I GAVE AWAY PIE, PRESENTS, ROLLS.  LUNCH I ATE 3 PORK CHOPS.  DINNER OF VEGETABLES.  GREEN BEAN, SWEET POTATO, AU GRATIN CASSEROLES, YUMMY. 

ABUNDANCE.  MY FAVORITE DANCE.

GUTENBERG.ORG

I READ THE CANTERVILLE GHOST ON THE CHROME ONLINE LAST NIGHT.  HOW GREAT THAT IS!

AND I CAN READ ALL WODEHOUSE ONLINE.  TYGJ.  THANK YOU BEN FRANKLIN.  THANK YOU GUTENBERG.

I LISTEN TO LOUISE HAY ONLINE MORNING AND EVENING.  TYGJ.  THANK YOU LOUISE.

FIRST DAY OF WINTER

IT FEELS MORE LIKE SPRING.  SUNNY AND 65 o.

I'M WATCHING THE 1957 BLONDIE TV SERIES.  I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE BEST XMAS EVER.  I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED FOR A PERFECTLY HAPPY XMAS. 

I'VE BEEN GOING TO THE SENIOR CENTER 10 YEARS NOW.  I LOOK FORWARD TO CHANGE.

I'M FEELING FULL OF HOPE FOR A BETTER TODAY.

LUCY & ETHEL

ZASU AND THELMA WERE THE ORIGINALS.  SO SILLY.   1931.  NOW I KNOW WHY I DIDN'T CARE FOR LUCY & ETHEL.  A POOR IMITATION.

ZASU WAS THE INSPIRATION FOR OLIVE OYL.

A PLEASANT INTERLUDE FOR A CAREWORN WORLD AFTER THE FIRST WAR. 

THELMA TODD & ZASU PITTS

COMEDY IN 1931 SHOWS HOW PEOPLE LIVED.  I BORROWED THE DVD FROM THE LIBRARY.

I HAVE THE NEXT THREE WEEKS NO SWIMMING SO I'M TAKING THE TIME TO DO WHAT I FEEL LIKE DOING.

MORE COMEDY.

TINNITUS

IT MUST BE TRIGGERED BY NOISE AND NOT JUST FATIGUE.  WHEN SENIORS IS TOO NOISY MY T IS WORSE.  TODAY I DID A LOT MORE AND I'M FINE. 

YESTERDAY MY T WAS SO BAD I THOUGHT THE WATER WAS RUNNING.

TGIF

THE SHOWERS WERE COLD AND THE DRAINS WERE BLOCKED.  YUCK.  I STILL EXERCISED AND STRETCHED.  I PUZZLED AND DID MY JOB.  TODAY I START MY THREE WEEKS AT 24 HOUR.

I'M GOING TO WEAR MY SWEATS.  COMFORT FOR THE NEXT 3 WEEKS.

I CONTINUE TO SELF CORRECT.

SO MUCH BETTER

SO FAR SO GOOD.  I'M SELF CORRECTING.  I'M ABLE TO EXPRESS MY ANGER (DISPLEASURE?)(DISGUST?).  AND I'M OK.  FIRST WITH WELSUN.  THE PUZZLE WAS ESPECIALLY CHALLENGING BEING ALL BLUE MT EVEREST.  THE HARDEST PART WAS REORGANIZING PIECES EVERY DAY.  I PUT TOGETHER SECTIONS AND I'D COME BACK AND THEY'D BE STUFFED INTO A WRONG SECTION.  I HAD TO CONSTANTLY CHECK AND REMOVE PIECES AND SECTIONS.  THE LAST TWO HUNDRED PIECES I HAD ALL ORGANIZED AND HE TOOK PIECES AND SCATTERED THEM.  THREE TIMES I EXPLAINED HE NEEDED TO PUT THEM BACK WHERE HE TOOK THEM FROM.  HE JUST LAUGHED AND SCATTERED THEM.  I MIXED THEM UP AND SAID HE COULD HAVE THEM JUST THE WAY HE WANTED AND WALKED AWAY.  HE GAVE UP.  WITHOUT AN ORGANIZED METHOD IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.  THE BULLDOG CAME AND SAT DOWN WHILE I WAS TALKING TO MAY AT THE TABLE WHILE I WAS PUZZLING.  BULLDOG WAS THE FEMALE VERSION SO I DID THE SAME.  I RELATED THE EXPERIENCE TO MAY AND BULLDOG INTERJECTS WITH THE EXCUSE PEOPLE THINK DIFFERENT.  LIKE I DIDN'T KNOW.  I SAID OH, ANOTHER ONE AND MIXED THEM AND WALKED AWAY.  SHE LASTED 15 MINUTES BY HERSELF.  THEY'RE SO STUBBORN.  A METHOD HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THINKING.  SUCCESS IS SIMPLE.

IF PEOPLE FOLLOWED RULES WE WOULDN'T NEED LAWS.

I'M STAYING WITH THE DETOX.  I MISPLACED AND FOUND THE TARGET BILL.  BIG WIN.  WOO HOO!

PARAKEETS & CHICKENS

10-12 AM LUCID DREAM OF MOM IN HEAVEN.  I HAVE 6 BABY PARAKEETS IN A CAGE AND MOM STUFFS HER TWO CHICKENS (STEPSISTERS) INTO MY CAGE AND IT'S MY JOB AGAIN TO GET THEM OUT.  I DON'T HAVE THAT JOB NOW.  NOT MY JOB.  IT'S THEIRS NOW AND FOREVER.

SINCE I WAS 8 IT BECAME MY JOB TO CARE FOR THE FAMILY.  60 YEARS OF UNKNOWN SERVITUDE.

INGE GAVE ME $1 SCARF AND CANDLE FOR BEING BORN. 

better & better

I'M OK. 

HB TO ME?

I WAS AFRAID I WAS LOSING MY GRIP UNTIL I REALIZED THE RIPPLE EFFECT OF NEW THINKING.  NEW THINKING IS A REBOOT.  NEW BRAIN PATHWAYS.

LEAVING THE OLD, RELEASING THE PAST.  TO GET TO THE BETTER REQUIRES LOSING THE WORST.  AH, THAT'S WHY PEOPLE RESIST CHANGE.  THE LOSS OF THE OLD NO MATTER HOW STINKY IS LOSS THAT THEY WON'T GIVE UP.

SO I'M A LITTLE MORE CONFIDENT IN THIS NEW TERRITORY OF CHANGE.

8:30 PM-SO I DID WHAT I WANTED.  LUNCH WAS GOOD.  I CONSIDERED BIRTHDAY FREEBIES AT ROUND TABLE AND DENNY'S.  NAH.  PICKED UP/DROPPED OFF AT CAMPBELL LIBRARY.   

I WENT TO ST J.  I FOUND A LONG SWEATER VEST, PARE AU WITH PARROTS, BOOK MARK AND HEART ANGEL PIN, TIN OIL SPLATTER GUARD. 

PICKED UP/DROPPED OFF AT CENTRAL AND CAME HOME.  I NOTICED THE FRONT DOOR LOOKED MESSED WITH.  ATE, REPAIRED SHOPPING BAGS AND SAT DOWN TO WATCH TV.   COULDN'T FIND THE REMOTE.  GAS LIGHTING FROM THE SISSES MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT.  KNOWING HOW THEY THINK I LOOKED EVERYWHERE AND FOUND IT IN THE CUSHIONS OF THE CHAIR. 

can it get better?

I WENT TO CHASE AFTER SRS BRIMMING WITH ENERGY AT 12:30. DECIDED TO GO BACK AND DEPOSIT AT MCU AND REMEMBERED I COULD RETURN CHROME TO MISLIB.  THEY HAVE 5 NEW CHROME.  RECHECKED OUT.

1:30 DROVE TOWARDS CARE MORE WENT TO SPROUTS ZERO.  ARRIVED EARLY, READ NEWSPAPER, RELAXED.  SO, GOOD NUMBERS SAME LAST 14 YEARS.

$CAMPBELL 3 PURPLE V TEES 3X.

UNCONSCIOUS INJURIES

AS MY BODY STRENGTHENS I'M PUSHING MY BODY TO MOVE DIFFERENTLY.  LIKE ONE HANDING THE LAP TOP.  OH, SILLY GIRL.  MY NECK AND ARM ARE SORE FROM IT.

PERFECT HEALTH IS A CHOICE.  STAYING CONSCIOUS TO HOW WE MOVE, REST, WHAT WE LISTEN TO, CHOOSE TO WATCH, EAT; THE TOTALITY OF LIVING.

LOSING THE GYM SUITCASE WAS MY BODY'S ATTEMPT TO WAKE ME.  I LEARN FROM EVERY MISTAKE.  WE ONLY LEARN FROM MISTAKES.  EVERY MISTAKE IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN.  I DO LOVE LEARNING SO I WILL CONTINUE TO MAKE MISTAKES.  I FORGIVE MYSELF.

TYGJ.

PERFECTLY IMPERFECT

I CAN WHOLE HEARTILY ACCEPT MY CAR.  THE IMPERFECTION IS THE MISSING GASKET AT THE BOTTOM OF THE REAR WINDOW.  THE INTERIOR WAS DAMP FROM THE BUILDUP OF LEAVES CHANNELING MOISTURE INTO THE CAB.  WHEN I REMOVED THE LEAVES FROM THE TRUNK CHANNEL IT DRIED OUT.

I WENT TO G2, WALKED THE STORE, $V MOUTHWASH, I WAITED FOR NEWSPAPER DELIVERY AND THEN ON TO MARIA, SEAFOOD SALAD.  LUCKY'S I HAD TO HUNT FOR FRIDAY FREEBIE AND FINALLY ASKED THE MANAGER.  IT WAS ON AN END CAP YOU HAD TO KNOW.  MAYBE A DOZEN BOTTLES. 

I CAME HOME, PUT THINGS AWAY, ON TO ST J.  I CAME STRAIGHT HOME.  I'M RESTING FOR TOMORROW'S CHECKUP AT CARE MORE.  AND I'M LOOKING FOR THE AARP RENEWAL WITH THE LUGGAGE ORGANIZERS.  OH, WELL.  I FOUND THE WALLET ORGANIZER AND DUFFEL BAG SO FAR.

FINALLY

I LOVE AFFIRMATIONS.  MY QUALITY OF LIFE IS IMPROVING.   I CAN FALL ASLEEP AND AWAKE PEACEFULLY.  I DREAMED OF A GIANT BLACK CARP, OTHELLO SWIMMING CALMLY IN MY POND.  I LOVE THE OTHER SIDE.

I SHARED BURDOCK WITH SENIORS AND THEY ASKED WHAT HEALTH PROPERTIES.  I LOOKED IT UP AND ITS GOOD FOR LIVER, KIDNEYS, BLOOD PRESSURE, SUGAR, CHOLESTEROL, WHAT ISN'T IT GOOD FOR? 

TERROR

EVERYTHING IS GOING WELL.  I ALMOST FORGOT MY UTILITY SWAG BAG IN THE COMPUTER ROOM AT SENIORS.  BUT I DIDN'T.  I PICKED UP HOLDS AT CENTRAL AND WENT FOR TIRE PRESSURE CHECK. 

THE TAPES ARE WORKING.  I CLEANED THE BURDOCK.  DELICIOUS.  IT'S EVEN BETTER RAW. 

POWER OUTAGES

THE WHEEL BONUS PUZZLE AND AT 6:11 PM THIS BOOK FROZE.  I CLICKED ON A CYBER MONDAY/TARGET WEBSITE.  MUST HAVE BEEN A SCAM SITE.  I COULDN'T TURN IT OFF OR CLOSE IT.  IT WAS HEATING UP.  I PUT IT IN THE MICROWAVE WHEN I WENT TO BED IN CASE IT CAUGHT FIRE OR MELTED.

IT WASN'T UNTIL 9 I THOUGHT OF THE LIBRARY.

I FIGURED ONCE THE BATTERY RAN DOWN IT WOULD SHUT DOWN AND DISCONNECT.  I WASN'T SURE IT WOULD STILL WORK SO I PLUGGED IT IN AND IT TURNED ON. 

I'M BACK.  I HAD TO TAKE TWO DOSES OF KAVA AT 12 AND 4.  MY NERVES ARE SO THIN.

WHAT???

ONE MONTH 'TIL CHRISTMAS, MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR. 

I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED FROM TOP AND I WAS STILL SIGNED IN.  WOW.

NOON- I RETURN AND 20% 4 HOURS. 

I DECIDED I WANTED CREAMED TUNA AND REALIZED I HAVE KRAB.  SO I'M FEASTING TONIGHT.  I BOUGHT MIXED FROZEN VEG'S AND POTATOES AT $ANC YESTERDAY AND HAVE ONIONS AND CELERY.  AND CORNBREAD.  I BOUGHT PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES AND BROWNIES AT G2 SAFEWAY.  I WALKED MY STORES. 

I WANTED A TOY BASEBALL BAT FULL OF BUBBLE GUM $.27 AT LUCKY'S.  AND PORK CHOPS I MAY BROIL ALA WOLFGANG PUCK.

YESTERDAY AT SENIOR'S ART GAVE ME HIS RICE SINCE HE'S DIABETIC.  I'M SET FOR THE WINTER.

M2

I'VE HAD A WEEK TO CONSIDER.  I AWOKE AT 2:30 DISTURBED THAT I'M STILL THE ENABLING CO-DEPENDENT.  WHEN AM I GOING TO LET GO THE GUILT AND BE HERE FOR ME?  I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT, IT DOESN'T BELONG TO ME, IT'S THE FAMILY TRADITION.  I LEAVE IT WITH THE FAMILY.

I NEVER WANTED THE STONEHENGE MEDAL.  BACK IN 1987 I WAS LIVING IN SAN JOSE ON RADIO AVE.  MARGEE WAS TRYING TO GET PREGNANT AFTER GETTING MARRIED AND RETURNING FROM HER EUROPEAN HONEYMOON.  I WASN'T INVITED TO THE WEDDING.  I ATTENDED THE RECEPTION AT THE HOME THAT WAS HER GIFT FROM BEING IN CANDICE WOZNIAK WEDDING PARTY.  THEY WERE ROOM MATES.  I WAS COMPARTMENTALIZED.  SHE USED ME UNPAID TO GET WHAT SHE WANTED AS HER SPIRITUAL COUNSELOR.  LIKE FRED GOULD.

HER INNER GUIDANCE TOLD HER TO GIVE ME HER ONE SOUVENIR FROM HER HONEYMOON IF SHE WANTED TO GET PREGNANT AS HER TOP PRIORITY.  WHAT WAS MOST IMPORTANT.  NOT ME OR MY FEELINGS EVER.

I NEVER NOTICED HOW I WAS DISRESPECTED.  IT WAS SO FAMILIAR LIKE MY FAMILY.  IT WAS MY OLD NORMAL.  AND NOW I UNDERSTAND MY INSANE FAMILY.  THEY USED ME TOO.  AS GOD'S TOOL MY LIFE IS ALWAYS SUPPORTED.  GOD ALWAYS REWARDS ME.

I GAVE HER A GARNET BRACELET TO REMIND HER TO BE OPEN TO HER TRUE LOVE AND SHE HAD DOUBTS ABOUT LEE BECAUSE HE WAS WORKING SAN JOSE MAINTENANCE AND THEY'RE STILL TOGETHER TAKING SQUARE DANCE CLASS.

I'M BORED

THANK YOU GOD.  IT'S DELIGHTFUL, DELICIOUS TO FEEL BORED.  SO, SO MUCH OF THE LAST 29 YEARS HAS BEEN BARELY SURVIVING ONE CRISIS AFTER ANOTHER.  ALL PREDICATED ON MY PARENTS, THEIR DEATHS, AND THE AFTERMATH. 

BOREDOM IS GREAT!

time

IT SEEMS LIKE SATURDAY IS THE DISTANT PAST. 

T IS MY ONLY FRIEND.  AND IT'S OK.  I'M AUTISTIC AND HAVING FRIENDS IS NOT A SKILL I HAVE.  AND PEOPLE ARE WORK.  AND ONLY OUT FOR THEMSELVES.  OR THE PEOPLE I'VE ENCOUNTERED.  I HAVE BOOKS AND MOVIES.  RELIABLE AND RESPONSIVE.

HEALING CONNECTION

ONCE A MONTH I WENT TO DIFFERENT LECTURES STARTING AT 6 AM AT TOWN & COUNTRY SAN JOSE. 

THOMAS HANNA-SOMATICS
HERBAL MEDCATIONS

MOVING ON

JULIET, NAKED HAS TO BE ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES I'VE SEEN IN A LONG TIME.  TRULY A JEWEL.  I HAVE TO READ THE BOOK.

OK, LOOKED UP BOOKS AT LIBRARY.  A NEW PASSION.

HUH, I'VE SEEN MANY OF HIS MOVIES NOT CARING FOR THEM.  JULIET MUST HAVE BEEN THE RIGHT BLEND OF DIRECTOR AND ACTORS.

HAVE TO FILL THE CAR WITH GAS B4 HOLIDAY.

TOMAS

MY ONLY FRIEND?  I DON'T KNOW.

BEING AUTISTIC HAS PREVENTED ME FROM SEEING THE DIFFERENCE.  MOST RELATIONSHIPS ARE TOO PAINFUL.  I'VE NEVER HAD ANYONE PUT ME FIRST.  SO I DON'T PUT MYSELF FIRST AND I'M IN PAIN.  I WEAR MYSELF OUT DOING FOR OTHERS. 

I KEPT UP THE HOUSE AND YARD FOR MITZI AND KEPT RE INJURING MYSELF.  I HARVESTED THE GUAVA AND AVOCADO FOR EVERYONE AND TOKI IS THE ONLY ONE TO BRING ME SOUP.

MY LIFE OF EIGHT YEAR OLD LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE-CINDERELLA I'M WILLING TO RELEASE. I'M DONE WITH COOKING,CLEANING, YARD WORK.

bottles & pennies

THERE WAS A PENNY IN THE HOT TUB AT G1 THAT I COULDN'T RETRIEVE SO I BLESSED IT.  DROVE TO $UNNYVALE AND SPENT $20 AND FOUND A PENNY ALSO NEWSPAPER $1 R/T $2.50.  THEN MARIA SAFEWAY AND ANOTHER PENNY.  SAME AT LUCKY'S PLUS 7 BOTTLES AND WALGREEN'S PENNY AND 3 BOTTLES.  SINCE I HAVE 3X POINTS I DROVE TO SARATOGA LUCKY'S  BUT NO CLEARANCE AND WENT TO CVS TO PRICE FISHERMAN'S FRIEND.  I HAD EXACTLY $23.61  TO PAY WALMART AND PAID THE BILL DUE 21ST AND FOUND 4 POWER BEETS @ $7.50 EA. CLEARANCE.  I'VE WANTED TO TRY IT SINCE I SAW IT ON TV.  YUM.

I'M GETTING COMFORTABLE WITH WEIRD.

AND SEEING, ACCEPTING THE REAL PAST.  EH.

MARGEE

I ALMOST DIDN'T COME TO SRS BECAUSE I ANTICIPATED DIFFICULTY FINDING PARKING.  SHE'S HERE SELLING AT THE YEARLY ARTS & CRAFTS.  IMAGINE MY SURPRISE.  NOT MY FRIEND,  AILEEN SURROGATE.  STILL LIVING ON SUNCREST MARRIED TO LEE.  64. 

HER FRIEND LIN IS ME.

I WANTED TO GIVE HER BACK THE STONEHENGE MEDAL BUT NO.  SHE'S SPEAKING AT MILPITAS AL-ANON NEXT SATURDAY 10 AM PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH SOUTH PARK VICTORIA NEXT TO LUCKY'S.  I FORGOT THANKSGIVING.

SHE'S STILL THINKING I'M RIDICULOUS ALONG WITH LIN.  I GAVE THEM TWO ORANGES.  SHE CALLED ME WHEN SHE NEEDED A RIDE OR COMPANY.  LIKE FRED GOULD.  WHEN HE NEEDED ME TO FIX HIS LUNCH.  NOT MY FRIEND.  MY MOM, DAD, SIS'.

OH, WELL.

FISH IN THE POOL THANKED ME FOR RECOMMENDING NEOSPORIN ON HER BOO-BOOED CHIN.  IT WAS ALL BETTER TODAY.  SHE'S FRIENDS WITH THE DIRTY BIRDS WHO DON'T SHOWER.

I STOPPED AT BK FOR 10 CHICKEN NUGGETS / $1 FOUND PENNY AND DIME AT COUNTER, WASHED THEM IN LOO.

1:30 PM HOME
I WAS THINKING OF ATTENDING A RECEPTION AT THE LIBRARY AND WAS GOING TO ST J. CLOSED DUE TO SMOKE FROM BUTTE FIRE.  THEY HAD A FOOD GIVE AWAY.  SOPHIA WAS THERE.  I TOLD HER ABOUT THE YARN AT DOLLAR TREE,  I WENT THIS AM B-4 SENIORS.  I STARTED FEELING WEIRDED OUT AND DROVE HOME SEEING WELSUN AND MARY GOING TO THE FOOD GIVE AWAY.

MOM'S TRADITION

I SCARED MYSELF AGAIN.  I THOUGHT I LOST THE PGE BILL AGAIN AND WAS READY TO GO TO THE LIBRARY TO PRINT OUT THE BILL.  I THOUGHT I'D GET THE OLD ONE TO REFER TO AND FOUND THIS MONTH'S BILL.  PGE PAYS A YEARLY CREDIT OF $25 THAT COVERED THIS MONTH.  I FORGOT TO UPDATE MY PHONE CALENDAR.

MOM LOVED SCARING, SCARRING ME.  I CAN REMEMBER HER BURNING MY FINGERS WITH SENKO.  AND SHE LOVED HITTING ME FOR NO REASON WHILE WATCHING TV.  

SO NOW I SCARE MYSELF.

EQUISAPIENS/ATLANTIS

GENETICALLY MODIFIED HUMANS.  SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.  MOST DISTURBING.  MY THEORY OF THE DESTRUCTION OF ATLANTIS.

EDGAR CAYCE DID SOME READINGS ABOUT ATLANTIS.  THEY WERE TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED AND BLEW THEMSELVES TO SMITHEREENS, PLUNGING THE WORLD INTO BIOLOGICAL DARKNESS AND LEAVING US WITH MYTHS OF MINOTAURS, CENTAURS, FAIRIES, ELVES,DRAGONS, ETC.

THE BIGGEST FREAK FOR ME IS THAT SOMEONE ELSE HAS THE SAME KNOWLEDGE.

GREED, PRIDE, AND VANITY DESTROYED ATLANTIS OBLITERATING AN ENTIRE CONTINENT AND CAUSING PANGEA TO BREAK UP INTO SMALLER CONTINENTS TO FILL THE SPACE LEFT BY THE DISSOLUTION OF ATLANTIS.  IT BECAME MOLECULAR.

TOO MUCH INPUT

SENSORY OVERLOAD.  I STILL HAVEN'T FINISHED WATCHING SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.  IT'S SO UNLIKE ANYTHING I'VE EVER SEEN.

I HAD A GREAT DAY AT THE GREAT MALL.  I WENT BACK FOR ANOTHER PAIR OF FAUX CLOGS.  I GOT AN EMAIL SAVER'S 75% OFF.  I SCORED A 3X BLACK PATCH WORK TRENCH COAT INSIDE POCKET FOR $6.25.  IT HAD SIZE SMALL ON THE TAG.  A BUTTER SOFT LEATHER LIZ CLAIBORNE JACKET SIZE LARGE, REMINDED ME OF REVECCA ALWAYS IN LEATHER, WHO REMARRIED AND MOVED AWAY..  TWO RHINESTONE CHOKERS $1 EA.  I FORGOT TO BUY THEM AT 10 AND WENT BACK AFTER EXERCISING AT 24 HOUR AND LUNCH AT MC D'S, AND EXPLORING GREAT MALL.  THEY WERE STILL THERE.

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE CRUISE CONTROL.  I LOVE THAT SO FAR EVERYTHING WORKS IN THE NEW USED CAR.

I REMEMBERED THE TWO PACKAGES OF KRAB AND ATE A LOT IN SALAD AND FOR A SNACK.  I WALKED TO RALEY'S FOR MY FREE CAGE FREE EGGS AND HAD A MUSHROOM OMELET.

SORRY TO BOTHER YOU

A VERY DISTURBING DVD.  I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S A VERY TELLING PICTURE OF GREED AND THE WORST OF CAPITALISM.  THE AGE OF TRUMP.

IT'S THE PERFECT DEPICTION OF MAKING PROFIT #1.

WILLING

I'M WILLING TO CHANGE.  I'M LISTENING TO THE LOUISE HAY CD'S IN THE CAR AND ON THE CHROME EVERY DAY.  MY LIFE IS IMPROVING.  I'M COMING OUT OF THE DENIAL FOG I INSTALLED TO SURVIVE LIVING WITH THE FAMILY.  IT'S SCARY.

I'M WILLING.

I SPENT 20 MINUTES LOOKING FOR A SPOON I THOUGHT I DROPPED AND THEN FOUND IT IN ANOTHER ROOM. 

I FORGIVE MYSELF

I'VE ONLY LOVED PEOPLE WHO NEVER LOVED ME.  I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RECEIVE LOVE.  I FEEL WEIRD.

I'M WILLING TO LEARN.

FORGIVENESS

I'M RELEASING THE PAIN/HUMILIATION AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER.  MY FIRST MEMORIES OF MOM AND DAD ARE THEM RIDICULING ME.  THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN GOOD MEMORIES BUT I HAVE TO PRETEND I HAVE THEM. 

INDESCRIBABLE

I FEEL SO FREE.  I'VE BEEN DOING WHAT I WANT.  I SWAM, LUNCHED, GOOFED AROUND PUZZLING, ATE COOKIES, CANDY, DONUTS.  KIDS EAT WHATEVER THEY WANT AND RUN AROUND BURNING IT ALL OFF.  YAHOO!!

FREE COOKIES, EGGS, DONUTS.

BEST DST

I RESET THE CLOCKS AND IT WAS EASY.  I LOVE HAVING THE EXTRA HOUR.  I DID MY ROUTINE AND WAS HOME BY 11.  I GOT FROZEN FISH AT MARIA SAFEWAY.  I REMEMBERED I HAD BONELESS PORK CHOPS FROM LUCKY'S LAST WEEK AND COOKED THEM WITH PREPPED MUSHROOMS AND THE 1/3 ONION FROM SENIOR'S. 

JOURNAL

JOURNEY.  I LIKE LOOKING BACK ON WHERE I USED TO BE AND REVELING IN WHERE I AM NOW.

I WENT TO SENIORS, CONSIDERED MY OPTIONS, PICKED UP LUNCH AT MCD AND CAME HOME O FIND AN ESTATE SALE AROUND THE CORNER EMMETT.  MORE TOYS.

I REMEMBERED

I'M PUTTING MYSELF BACK TOGETHER.  I'VE BEEN TORN APART BY MY PARENTS DEATHS, MY SISTERS' BETRAYALS, MY BACK INJURY ALMOST KILLING ME. 

THE BEGINNING OF EACH MONTH IS VERY HARD.  I BECOME RESTLESS, UNABLE TO RELAX, SLEEP, THINK.  THIS MONTH I'M CALM ENOUGH TO ACCEPT IT.

A BIG WIN.

RECEPTION ONLINE WAS ZERO.  I SHUT DOWN THE CHROMEBOOK AND RESTARTED IT.  I'VE BEEN TRYING SINCE LAST NIGHT.  INFINITY ONLINE KEPT AMBUSHING SERVICE.  IT SEEMS FINE NOW.

LIFE IS GETTING BETTER

YESTERDAY I GOT BOUNDARIES AND THE SPY WHO DUMPED ME (CODY'S SUGGESTION) FROM THE BOOK MOBILE.  AND GREAT! 

MY BACK FEELS PRETTY GOOD AND MY STOMACH IS GETTING THERE.  AND I'VE BEEN CLEARING UP STUFF.

CHILDHOOD IS TOUGH

THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN SUCCESS AND FAILURE.  COURSE IN MIRACLES SAYS SOME OF OUR SUCCESSES ARE OUR GREATEST FAILURES AND VICE VERSA.  AND I CAN TRULY SEE THAT NOW.  A LOT OF MY SELF DOUBT IS WAITING TO SEE HOW THINGS TURN OUT. 

I JUDGE TOO MUCH.  AND SO IT GOES.

I HAD A FINE DAY.  I DID MY USUAL SUNDAY MORNING AND WENT TO ST. J WHERE I FOUND A BOXED J WAVING KITTY TOY THAT HAS A SUN PANEL $1.

WATCHING 60 MINUTES I CRIED FOR THE LOVE=WISDOM JAAP AND AALTJE VAN ZWEDEN SHOWED BY LOVING THEIR SON AND PATIENTLY WAITING FOR HIM TO DEVELOP THE BRAIN CONNECTIONS TO ENTER THE WORLD.

AND THEN GOD UN-FRIENDED ME ABOUT OUR INTER-CONNECTEDNESS.   AND BEING CALLED TO HELP OTHERS.  NO ONE ENTERS HEAVEN BUT ON THE ARM OF A BROTHER.

IT'S COMING TOGETHER.

THE HOT CHICK

THE REAL LESSON IS ABOUT SELF PERCEPTION.  SHE DOESN'T REALIZE HOW THE WORLD PERCEIVES HER BEHAVIOR WHEN THEY ACCEPT HER MEAN, RUDE, SOCIO-PATHETIC ACTIONS PERCEIVED BY HERSELF AS CLEVER AND FUNNY.  OR MAYBE THE WORLD VIEW DOESN'T MATTER TO HER.

2002

3 PM-WEIRD.  I GUESS IT'S PCH HAVING PROBLEMS PUBLISHING.  SO WHEN I ENTERED I DELETED 6 COPIES.

I TOOK MYSELF TO MC-D AS A TREAT.  HAPPY MEAL AND HASH BROWN.  POTATOES MY FAVORITE.  I WENT TO PATELCO 2 PM TO TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS AND THEY WERE BOOKED 'TIL 5, THEY CLOSE AT 6.  I WILL RETURN.  WHAT A WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY TO NOT FEEL IRRITATED.

THE HOT CHICK SHOWED WHEN I WAS BED RIDDEN.  I WANT TO SEE IT SO MANY TIMES.  I DON'T KNOW.  IT HAS SO MANY FUNNY PEOPLE.  AND I GOT SAGA VOLUME 2.  SO MANY GREAT THINGS.  YESTERDAY CAMPBELL LIBRARY WAS UNCROWDED.  A MIRACLE.

I'M DRINKING LOTS OF WATER AND RESTING A LOT.  I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE.  I'D HOPED I'D REMEMBER BETTER.  OH, WELL LIVING AND LEARNING.  I'M STILL DETOXING AND NEW AREAS HURT.

2002

I'VE BEEN MONITORING MY INTAKE AND REST.  EVERYTHING REFLECTING BACK.  PCH ALLOWED ME TO GO TO WHEEL BUT NOT FRONTPAGE. 

THE HOT CHICK SHOWED WHEN I WAS BED RIDDEN.  I WANT TO SEE IT SO MANY TIMES.  I DON'T KNOW.  IT HAS SO MANY FUNNY PEOPLE.  AND I GOT SAGA VOLUME 2.  SO MANY GREAT THINGS.  CAMPBELL LIBRARY WAS UNCROWDED.  A MIRACLE.

I'M DRINKING LOTS OF WATER AND RESTING A LOT.  I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE.  I'D HOPED I'D REMEMBER BETTE.  OH, WELL LIVING AND LEARNING.  I'M STILL DETOXING AND NEW AREAS HURT.

I'M OK

I LET CODY RENEW MY LOANS INSTEAD OF STRESSING MYSELF.  I HAVE 'TIL SATURDAY FOR COUNTY. 

LIFE WITHOUT PRESSURE IS STRESSFUL.  IT'S SO NEW.  OH, WHAT TO DO.

FEELING EXHAUSTED AND FINE

QUITE THE DAY.  SO MUCH CAKE AND MUFFINS.  I WENT AND EXERCISED WHEN THE ALKY SHOWED UP.  LUNCH WAS OK.  I WENT TO ST J TO SHOW MY DRESS BUT JOHN WASN'T THERE.  SUSAN WAS HAPPY TO SEE ME AND LAUGHED WHEN I POINTED OUT MY DRESS MATCHED THE PICTURE BEHIND THE DESK.

ART GAVE ME LEFTOVERS.  I CAME HONE AND PUT EVERYTHING AWAY.  I'M RESTING.  I FEEL FEVERISH SO I'M DRINKING THE JUICES.  I TOASTED THE TAQUITOS AND WAFFLES.  YUM....

CPM

I RELEASE CRITICAL PATH MANAGEMENT.  I RELEASE THE PAST.

I'VE BEEN CONSCIOUS OF OF BEING DRIVEN TO SURVIVE SINCE I WAS EIGHT.  I WAS CLEANING HOUSE THEN BUT UNLIKE LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE I HAD NO ONE AND NOTHING TO SING ABOUT.  EXCEPT THERE WAS NO ORPHAN ANNIE MOVIE THEN SO I THOUGHT I WAS CINDERELLA.  I WAS CONVINCED I WAS ADOPTED.  THEY HAD MONEY, I WAS POOR.  THEY WERE TOGETHER, I WAS ALONE.  I HAD TO STAY ONE STEP AHEAD TO SURVIVE OR BE CRUSHED BY THE INDIANA JONES BOULDER FAMILY,  MY ONLY REWARD LIVING ANOTHER DAY.  THE STEAM ROLLER IN ROGER RABBIT.  MY NEMESES DR DOOM BEING FLATTENED INSTEAD, THEIR RED EYES POPPING OUT OF THEIR HEADS.  SO SATISFYING I WATCHED IT 7 TIMES WHEN IT CAME OUT.

HUH, ALL GORE COMES FROM THE WISH TO CRUSH OUR ENEMIES.

I PROBABLY HAD A FAIRLY NORMAL CHILDHOOD.  WE REMEMBER BY OUR DNA TRAUMA FOR SURVIVAL.

MY BACK IS INSISTING I REMEMBER AND CLEAR.  NO HOUSEWORK, NO YARD WORK.  I'M MANAGEMENT NOW.

FUNNY WORD 'REMEMBER'.  TO REATTACH LIKE FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER.

BACK ON TRACK

I WENT TO G2, MARIA, LUCKY'S.

I SLEPT 10-7.  9 HOURS.  I'M AMAZED.  I FELL ASLEEP LISTENING TO LOUISE HAY YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE CD.

I BELIEVE I LOST THE FLIP FLOPS TO KEEP MY PERSPECTIVE AND SOMEONE ELSE NEEDED THEM MORE.  LIKE THE SUITCASE/GYM BAG. 

THERE WAS A NICE ARTICLE IN THE TV GUIDES 4 OF THEM AT THE MARIA SAFEWAY.  AND I READ THE CARTOONS.  I SAVED THE COUPONS FOR ALAMEDA.  EVEN THOUGH SHE'S A USER.  LIKE MOM.  A BULLY LIKE MOM.  HOPEFULLY THEY WILL REALLY BENEFIT THE VETERANS. 

SOPHIA CALLED ABOUT ST J.  IT WAS JUST LAST WEEK.  TYGJ I COULDN'T GET TO THE PHONE.  OR THE RAMBLING WOULD HAVE BEEN LONGER. 

I WAS THINKING OF DOING YARD WORK AND FELT SICK SO I RESTED.  I STITCHED THE COLA COOLER.  I WANT TO GLUE THE EDGES.  I WANT TO CLEAN THE CAR COOLER.  I'VE BEEN USING THE INSULATED SHOPPING BAGS INSTEAD.

OOPS

I LISTENED TO DON MANNARINO AND SLEPT ON AND OFF TEN HOURS.  I AWOKE 8 A M AND PLANNED ON VV JUMBLE AT 9.  I MADE AND ATE MY OATMEAL, CHECKED OUT THE FREE STUFF, BOUGHT SOME. WENT TO LUTHERAN CHURCH, BOUGHT DVDS, BROKEN COCA COLA SODA BAG I'M FIXING.  DISCOVERED AT SENIORS I LOST FLIP FLOPS.  I HAD EXTRA AT HOME.  SO I USED CLOGS.  OH, WELL.  SWAM, WENT TO McD FOR LUNCH BUT THE LINE WAS 20 LONG.

I CAME HOME AND ATE PASTA CHICKEN.  CONSOLIDATED JUICES, REFILLED WATER, PLAYED WITH MY NEW TOYS.  REDID SUPPLEMENTS.  NAPPED A COUPLE HOURS.  ATE MINI MEATLOAF.  TV WAS SKETCHY.  WATCHED UNCLE DREW.  THE ONLY BLACK DVD I'D EVER BUY.  FUNNY AND WARMHEARTED WITH A GOOD MESSAGE.

REMODELING MY INTERIOR IS EXHAUSTING.

BETTER

I'M FEELING MORE RESTED.  I WENT TO CAMPBELL TO DROP OFF AND PICK UP.  I TOOK JOHN AND SUSAN AVOCADO/GUAVA.  I DECIDED RESPECTFUL MAN AT PGE GIVE HIM A FEW.  I NEVER EAT THEM.  CAME HOME.  I HAVE SO MUCH FOOD AND JUICE.  TYGJ.  I FOUND BINDER AND PINK SPICE RACKS FOR PANTRY.  PRETTY, PRETTY.

I EVEN CLEANED AND ATE CELERY.  ONE SMALL PIECE.

BIG BANG THEORY

EXPLAINS SO MUCH OF HUMAN BEHAVIOR.  AND IT'S ACCURATE SCIENCE.  SPOONFUL OF SUGAR AND MEDICINE.

THE OBESITY EPIDEMIC.

EVERYONE EATING SUGAR FOR NO REASON.  SELF-MEDICATING.  TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING BECOMES BAD.  LIKE TOO MUCH CELERY.  AFTER A MONTH I'VE DEVELOPED A TASTE FOR THE SWEET/SALTY/CRUNCHY.  BUT TOO MUCH IS AN UNHEALTHY DETOX. 

MUST BE WHY ENLIGHTENMENT IS IN STAGES.  SO WE DON'T IMPLODE.

FAILURE/TEACHER

WE LEARN FROM OUR FAILURES AND ENJOY OUR SUCCESSES.  IF WE'RE NOT FAILING WE'RE NOT TRYING.

TOM DRONER IS VOLUNTEERING WITH KIDS TO HAVE NEW STORIES .  I DID THAT BY TELLING HIM HE DOESN'T HAVE CONVERSATIONS ONLY LECTURES.

I LOST THE PGE BILL AND WENT ONLINE TO CHECK.  DUE TOMORROW AND I CAN PRINT IT OUT AT SRS OR MLIB.  I MISPLACED THE CITY BILL, GOT A COPY, AND FOUND IT.

TYGJ.  DOING NEW THINGS.

I FOUND PGE UNDER COUPONS.

REVISITING THE PAST

I'M GETTING USED TO WAKING AT 2-3 AM.  I LIKE THE QUIET.  I NAPPED YESTERDAY AND FEEL MORE RESTED.  I LIKE MY SOLITUDE.  I WAS HOME BY 1 PM.  I NEEDED THE REST.  I MISPLACED THE SAGA GRAPHIC NOVEL AND FOUND IT AFTER HOURS OF LOOKING NOT BECAUSE I REMEMBERED WHERE I LEFT IT BUT I SAW IT IN THE BACK OF THE CAR.  I CAN'T REMEMBER WHY I PUT IT THERE.

WATCHING BIG BANG THEORY GIVES ME HOPE OF FINDING MY JONATHON LIVING SEAGULL FLOCK.

THE CONNERS STARTED TONIGHT.  THEY KILLED ROSEANNE BY OPIOD OVERDOSE.  IT WAS PRETTY GOOD.  MOST SITCOMS ARE ABOUT THE DYSFUNCTION.  MOST FORGET THE FUN IN DYSFUNCTION.  I'M DONE WITH DYSFUNCTION.

ACTING THE ADULT

I'M SO GOOD AT IT.  MY SURVIVAL DEPENDED ON BEING SMARTER THAN THOSE IN POWER.  I LEARNED SELF CONTROL EARLY.  I AVOIDED BEING KILLED BY THE CRAZIES IN MY FAMILY. 

I HAD HIGH HOPES FOR THE WORLD BEING SANER BUT I'VE BEEN DISAPPOINTED SO MANY TIMES I'VE LEARNED TO RELY ON THE UNIVERSE. 

YESTERDAY I DID MY NORMAL ROUTINE DESPITE FEELING TOXIC.  MY ENTIRE LIFE I'VE FORCED MYSELF TO DO WHAT I HAD TO BECAUSE OF OTHERS AND NOW I HAVE A SKILL FOR IT.  I CAN USE IT TO MY ADVANTAGE.

I HAVEN'T HAD ANY CELERY TODAY.  ONE SMALL PIECE YESTERDAY.  MAYBE I'LL GO THE REST OF THE WEEK WITHOUT.  I USED TO STOP AT THREE OR FOUR STALKS.  CLEARLY I'VE OVERINDULGED.  I'VE DEVELOPED A TASTE FOR IT. 

AND SEA FOOD. 

POTATO, CRAB, CHEESE CASSEROLE. 

WHAT I WANT

THE HARDEST PART OF LIVING IS KNOWING WHAT I WANT AND DISCIPLINING MYSELF TO CREATE AND ENJOY IT.  SELF DISCIPLINE TAKES ALL MY ENERGY.

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT MY LEOPARD PRINT MESSAGE.  I HAVE SO MUCH CLOTHING IN IT.  MARIA OLVERA WORE A LOT OF IT.  HER KIDS MADE LITTLE BOW PINS FOR HER MEMORIAL.  SINCE JAN 9, 2016 SHE'S BEEN ONE OF MY ANGELS.

A LEOPARD CAN'T CHANGE ITS SPOTS.  WE'RE NOT LEOPARDS.  I CAN CHANGE.  WE CAN CHANGE.  THE WHOLE POINT OF KIMO DISSING HER AND FORCING ME TO LEAVE BEFORE I DECKED HIM.  HE'S PART OF THE DESIGN.  DAD AGAIN.

CHANGE WITH ME.

MY EX WHINED HE COULDN'T CHANGE AND BECAME MY EX.

OMG  I'M HERE TO CHANGE.  MY LIFE PURPOSE THAT I'VE SPENT 67 YRS FIGURING OUT.

1972

I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT MY LIFE.  I JUST LIVED IT.  I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WANTED TO DO AFTER HIGH SCHOOL SO I WENT TO COLLEGE.

MR RHODES MY HIGH SCHOOL COUNSELOR APPLIED TO SJSU, BERKELEY, STANFORD, SCU FOR ME AND I WAS ACCEPTED.  I KNEW I'D HAVE TO DO IT ALONE AND COULD AFFORD SJSU.  SO OFF TO COLLEGE TO FIND OUT WHAT I WANTED TO DO.

TAKING THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE.

I MET AND MARRIED AND BEGAN FIGURING OUT MY LIFE.  MARRIAGE FORCED ME TO THINK ABOUT MY PROGRAMMING.  I WAS A LEMMING UNTIL THAT POINT.  PROGRAMMED TO SELF DESTRUCT.  MAYBE THERE'S A PART OF ME THAT ENVIES THE LACK OF CONSCIOUSNESS OF THE KIDS TODAY.  OR ALL KIDS.

WE HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.  IF WE LEARN TO BECOME BETTER PEOPLE.  EVERYONE BELIEVES THEY'RE AS GOOD AS THEY'RE GOING TO BE.  ETHICALLY LAZY.  OR AFRAID TO TRY AND FAIL.

TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE WE ONLY HAVE TO CLEAN UP OUR OWN ACT.  NOTHING ELSE.  WE'RE PART OF THE WORLD.  CLEANING UP OUR PART IMPROVES THE WORLD.  THE UNIVERSE. 

MY PUSHING OUT MY STOMACH IS AN ATTEMPT TO NOT BE THE SKINNY KID HATED BY MY MOM.  SHE CONSTANTLY SHAMED AND BERATED ME AND CRITICIZED ME FOR NOT STANDING UP STRAIGHT WHEN SHE CALLED ME BEAN POLE.  LIKE I HAD A LOT TO BE PROUD OF.  MY FAMILY.  I DON'T THINK SO.

THE GOOD PLACE

THIS TED DANSON SERIES POSITS THE ANXIETY IS HELL.  HMMM...

WHAT IF WE'RE IN HELL AND DON'T KNOW IT?  AND THE EXTREME TORTURE IS SEEKING TO MAKE IT HEAVEN?

OR WE CAN MAKE IT WHAT WE WANT. 

I'M LIMITING HOW MUCH CELERY I EAT.  I'VE BEEN FEELING EXHAUSTED, HAVING LUCID DREAMS EVERY TWO HOURS WAKING ME UP.  CLEANSING TOO FAST.  CODY AND HIS DAUGHTER SHARE ONE STALK BETWEEN THEM.  AND IT'S WORKING WELL.  I FEEL BETTER.

SO MANY DREAMS

I WOKE EVERY TWO HOURS.  DREAMS OF ME ASSERTING, DEFENDING MYSELF.  THE LAST DREAM OF GERDA DRIVING, INGA PASSENGER, ME SITTING BEHIND INGA DRIVING TO THIRD CASINO OF THE DAY.  FEELING EXHAUSTED BUT CONTENT.

I AM WILLING TO CHANGE MY LIFE.  I DESERVE TO HAVE ABUNDANT JOY.  I DESERVE TO FEEL HAPPY.  I DESERVE TO FEEL RELAXED AND COMFORTABLE.  I DESERVE PERFECT HEALTH NOW.

wah

I WANT TO RUN AWAY BUT EVERYWHERE I GO THERE I AM.

MY CRUSH ON JUSTIN IS MY SECOND PUBERTY.  60 IS THE SECOND CHILDHOOD MIDLIFE CRISIS TIME.  I CAN BE 17 IF I WANT TO REBUILD MYSELF.  I NEVER EXERCISED.  I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.

I DESERVE TO FEEL GREAT.

 OF COURSE.  I KEEP FORGETTING THE PAIN/DISCOMFORT OF BIRTHING NEW THOUGHTS, BEHAVIORS, REVELATIONS.

8 pm-I ALMOST FORGOT IT'S WEDNESDAY.  BOOKMOBILE DAY.  I DIDN'T SLEEP SO WELL.  I PUZZLED AND EXERCISED, HAD LUNCH, WENT TO MAIN LIB FOR RETRO-TECH.  NON COMMERCIAL ONLY.  HOME MADE ONLY CONSERVATION.  I NEED A CONVERTER.

COLUMBUS

I WENT TO SAVERS HALF OFF, 5 TOPS, 5 TOWELS.  I MAILED ALLSTATE HOUSE VERIFICATION, CHECKED FOOD MAXX. 

I STOPPED BY SUMIYA AND IT'S PACKED.  MUST BE DELICIOUS 'CAUSE IT ISN'T CHEAP.  RESERVATION A MUST.  OR PHONE IN TO GO.

MY MESS KEEPS THE VULTURES FROM USING MY HOUSE AS THEIR PERSONAL MARKET.  TYGJ.

I'M FEELING BETTER.  FIRST OF THE MONTH IS ALWAYS PHYSICALLY CHALLENGING.

ADRENALINE

4 HRS OF MEDITATION CD.

SLEPT 15 MINUTES TWO DREAMS: 1) DRIVING IN MTNS BUSY REALTORS OFFICE, I LEAVE I'VE TAKEN HIS TOUCHTONE DESK PHONE.  I TURN AROUND TO HEAD BACK, CAMPING GEAR IN ROAD, I DETOUR EXPLORING FREEWAY FRONTAGE ROAD.  2) I ENTER MY LIVING ROOM BLACK GIRL SITS AT MY BERNINA USING IT W/O PERMISSION OR INSTRUCTION.  I TELL HER NO,NO,NO. SHE ROLLS HER EYES AT MEX GIRLFRIEND, NO APOLOGY, ACKNOWLEDGMENT  OR CONTRITION.  I WON'T BE DISRESPECTED IN MY OWN HOME THEY'RE ON NOTICE AND CAN LOOK FOR HOUSING ELSEWHERE.

SO FAR EVERYONE HAS BETRAYED OR DISRESPECTED ME IN SOME WAY.  NO MORE.

REBORN

THE WARM WATER POOL REMINDED ME OF MY DISCOMFORT BEING BORN.  I FELT THE ANGER, FEAR, FRUSTRATION OF MY MOM CENTERED IN MY ABDOMEN AND HER ABDOMEN.

THE ONLY LOVE I'VE EVER FELT HAS BEEN FROM MOMMA (DELORISE LUCAS).  THE CONFUSION I FELT WAS FROM THE NEWNESS OF THE EXPERIENCE.  WHEN I MET HER I RAN HOME.  I KEPT GOING BACK FOR THE TWO YEARS SHE CAME TO THE AREA.

THE LOUISE HAY RECORDINGS HAVE UNLOCKED AND REORGANIZED MY MEMORIES INTO COHERENT THOUGHTS.  MY BODY IS UNLOCKING AND RELEASING ALL BLOCKAGES. 

ZOMBIES

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE WORLD FASCINATION.  THE MOVIES ARE ABOUT ALL THE BODIES WALKING AND TALKING AND DEAD BEHIND THE EYES.  SENIOR TOM WHO DRONES AND COMPLAINS WHEN ALL HE DOES IS TALK ABOUT THE GOOD OLD DAYS AND TRIES TO KEEP THE PAST ALIVE BY RUNNING HIS MOUTH.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE SCHISM.  UNLESS ON SOME LEVEL HIS ACTIVE BRAIN IS DEAD.  HIS CREATIVE BRAIN MAY BE DEAD AND THE BODY GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS OF LIVING.  THE APPEARANCE OF LIFE.  T TOO.

ZOMBIE VS ALIVE.

MAYBE WHY FRUSTRATED MEN GO ON KILLING SPREES.

MEMORIES

DOING THE WORD SEARCH I COULDN'T FIND MEMORIES FOR THE LONGEST TIME.  OVERNIGHT.  I USUALLY FIND THE WORD IN SECONDS.  I'M RELEASING MY MEMORIES FROM MY BODY.  MY DNA IS PROGRAMMED TO STORE UNSAFE EXPERIENCES AS PROTECTION FOR MY SURVIVAL.  PTSD.  EMOTIONAL HEALTH=PHYSICAL HEALTH.

EMOTIONAL HEALTH=PHYSICAL HEALTH.

PSYCHOSOMATIC DOESN'T MEAN CRAZY.  IT ACKNOWLEDGES THAT EMOTIONS GENERATE CHEMICAL CHANGES IN THE BODY.  THE BALANCE OF CHEMICALS IN THE BODY CONTROLS OUR HEALTH.

THAT'S HOW SOME ANGRY PEOPLE DON'T GET CANCER THEMSELVES THEY GIVE CANCER TO OTHERS.  THEY GIVE THEIR ANGER TO OTHERS BY BEHAVING IN WAYS TESTED AND KNOWN TO ANGER OTHERS,  GAINING SELF SATISFACTION, A FEELING OF POWER AND CONTROL OVER OTHERS.  IRONIC THEY CAN'T CONTROL THEMSELVES.  HITLERS.

ANGER=CANCER

CRITICISM AND JUDGMENT=DIABETES

FEAR AND EMPTINESS=OBESITY

OF COURSE EX

FELL ASLEEP 9:30-DREAM:  WENT TO COMIC CON OAKLAND(?) WITH EX.  HE HAS TO PEE, I WAIT FOR HIM IN WAITING AREA HE CALLS TO ME TO ENTER MEN'S ROOM, I DECLINE.  HE DITCHES ME.  I'M STRANDED.  THE BAND IS LEAVING I ASK IF THEY CAN CALL UBER THEY OFFER RIDE TO SANTA CLARA AND DRIVE ME HOME.  I HAVE MANY BOOKS WITH ME.  THAT'S WHY HE'S THE EX.

STRANGE DREAM.  I KNOW HE'S DEAD SINCE 2006.  I HAVE BEEN GRIEVING ERIC AND MARIA, MAYBE I'M GRIEVING THE HORRIBLE MARRIAGE I ENDURED.

4:45-DREAM OF GOING TO TEACHER'S BOOK NOOK.  AWOKE FEELING SMALL WEAK DEFENSELESS HAIRLESS ANIMAL FROM CHILDHOOD.

ALL THESE FEELINGS TRAPPED IN MY BODY RELEASING.  FEELS HORRIBLE.  I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS.  I DESERVE BETTER.

HARVILLE HENDRIX REQUIRES COUPLES TO SIGN COMPLETION CONTRACTS BEFORE HE'LL AGREE TO COUNSEL THEM.  THESE ARE POWERFUL UNCOMFORTABLE FEELINGS.  I DON'T LIKE IT.

MARIA OFELIA OLVERA

DIED TWO YEARS AGO AND ERIC LAST YEAR OF COURSE I'M FEELING SAD.

AND PRIORITIES ARE UNBALANCED.  I'D HAVE TO BE AN IDIOT OR INSANE NOT TO BE CONCERNED.  THE WEATHER, AN INSANE GOVERNMENT, THE COMPLACENCY AND CHOSEN IGNORING OF BASIC ISSUES.  I'M GLAD I WON'T LIVE FOREVER.

I HAD A BOOK I PICKED UP AT SENIORS TO GIVE AL ON LEARNING TO SPEAK FRENCH AND THE MEMORIAL FOR MARIA WAS THE BOOK MARK.  I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW FAR I'VE COME.  I WAS STILL 65-70% TWO YEARS AGO.  I'M MAYBE 80% NOW.

PRIMAL FEAR/COMPASSION

AWOKE WITH THE SMALL COLD OBJECT.  THE ORIGINAL SEPARATION FROM THE GARDEN.  FEAR IS SEPARATION. 

FEAR FILLED PEOPLE FIGHT AND CLING TO THINGS TO TRY TO PLACATE THAT EMPTINESS.  UNLOVING PEOPLE ARE EMPTY. 

COURSE IN MIRACLES WRITTEN THROUGH A  PSYCHOLOGIST SAYS THERE ARE ONLY LOVE AND FEAR.  FEAR IS THE ABSENCE OF LOVE.  LEAVING THE GARDEN OF EDEN IS LEAVING LOVE.  THERE IS ONLY LOVE AND THE ABSENCE OF LOVE. 

GOD IS LOVE.  FEAR OF GOD IS THE ALLEGORY OF JOB.  I NEVER BELIEVED GOD WOULD BET ON THE HAPPINESS OF JOB.  THE STORY DEMONSTRATES THE IMPORTANCE OF REMEMBERING GOD IS LOVE AND ONLY LOVE.  GOD TAKES EVERY MATERIAL THING FROM JOB.  JOB CONTINUES TO LOVE GOD AND MORE IS GIVEN TO HIM.

FEAR IS THE ABSENCE OF LOVE.  ANGER IS LACK OF LOVE.  DEPRESSION IS BELIEF THERE WILL NEVER BE LOVE.

OUR BRAINS ARE TOOLS SUBJECT TO THE HEART.  EMOTIONS POWER THE AUTO PILOT BRAIN TO MATERIALIZE OUR HEART'S DESIRE.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WANT.  KNOW WHAT THAT IS. 

STILL SAD

I NAPPED TWO HOURS.  MAYBE JUST DEPRESSED.  I MAY BE DETOXING TOO QUICKLY.  I'M NOT SURE.  I FEEL SO ALONE PHYSICALLY.  I NEED SO MUCH DONE AROUND HERE AND FEEL SO TIRED.

I BOUGHT SEAFOOD SALAD FOR LUNCH AND I HAVE ROLLS, LETTUCE MIX.  I WENT G2, SFWY, NEW MICHAEL'S GRAND OPENING, MARIA SFWY OVERCHARGED ME $.49 AND THAT MADE ME SAD, LUCKY'S.  MAYBE I DID TOO MUCH.

I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR AND STILL FEEL TIRED.

I WANT THE WORLD TO BE HAPPY.  I WANTED ERIC TO BE HAPPY.  HE WAS MY COUNTERPART.  SO MANY SIMILARITIES IN OUR LIVES.

MAYBE I WANT TOO MUCH

I DREAMED A WALL EYED TRUCK DRIVER TAPPING ON MY DRIVER'S CAR WINDOW TO TELL ME ERIC HAD BEEN RUN OVER BY A TRUCK AND DIED.  I KNEW HIS DAD DIED RUN OVER NOT ERIC.

I'VE NEVER BEEN A CHILD

I'M LEARNING HOW.  I PRAY FOR THE KIDS TODAY.  SO MANY OF THEM DON'T HAVE REAL PARENTS.

AT LEAST I'VE HAD LOTS OF EXAMPLES OF NOT TO BE OR DO.  THEY HAVE NOTHING.  I THINK A LOT ARE DROPPED OFF, ABANDONED.  NO WONDER THERE ARE SO MANY ANGRY YOUNG MEN SHOOTING UP SCHOOLS, TERRORIZING THE WORLD THAT TERRIFIES THEM.  THEY'RE ADRIFT AND SCARED, CONFUSED.

MY GUILT OVER ERIC AND MOM AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS LEFT OVER FROM BEING A KID AND BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING LIKE I COULD CONTROL ANYTHING.  SOMETIMES NOT EVEN MYSELF.

AND I FORGIVE MYSELF.

DEALING WITH IT

I'M STILL MOURNING ERIC.  SUCH A TRAGIC LIFE AND DEATH.  I THOUGHT I WAS OK.  I VISITED HIM EVERY OTHER DAY HIS LAST WEEK.  I STILL EXPECTED HE'D PULL THROUGH AGAIN.  HE PASSED HALF HOUR BEFORE I GOT THERE.

SO I'M TAKING EXTRA SPECIAL CARE OF MYSELF.  INGA GAVE ME HER BBQ CHICKEN, CORN BREAD,  REAL CHILI BEANS, SALAD.  SHE HAD BURGER ON THE PATIO BBQ.  TYGJ AND INGA.

I THINK JUSTIN REMINDS ME OF A.T.  COOL,  BLACK, COMFORTABLE, GOOD LISTENER, COMPASSIONATE HEART.

I FEEL BETTER SEEING HIM.  I PICKED UP AND RETURNED CAMPBELL LIBRARY AND DECIDED TO DROP IN MISSION.  BEA SAID I COULD RETURN CHROME AND PICKUP FROM HERE.  THEY'RE CLOSED SUNDAYS AND HAVEN'T GOTTEN THEIR OWN YET SO I'LL PICK UP CENTRAL.  I DON'T HAVE TO GO MAIN LIBRARY TODAY.

JUSTIN

I THINK HE'S CONNECTED TO THE UNIVERSE.  HE LISTENS AND OFFERS FEEDBACK.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND MY CRUSH.  I'VE NEVER HAD A CRUSH ON ANYONE.

WHAT IS IT?

I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD A SINGLE UNCLE.  NO.  DUE DILIGENCE.

KARAOKE KIDS

I MET ERIC 1992 WHILE WAITING FOR TRAFFIC TO CLEAR.  I WAS WORKING IN PALO ALTO AND LOS ALTOS BAR AND GRILL HAD K KIDS.  I WAITED AN HOUR TERRIFIED I'D BE CALLED.  I WAS AFRAID OF THE MICROPHONE.  MY HOUR WAS UP AND I LEFT.  NEXT TIME I SAW THEM WAS SARATOGA ART WINE.  THEY WERE ONLY TAKING KIDS SIGN UPS.  I THOUGHT I HAD COMPLETED MY PART.  I WAS WILLING.

THE COURSE IN MIRACLES SAYS THAT'S ALL THAT'S NECESSARY.

ERIC WAS STARTING A NEW CLUB IN WILLOW GLEN A BLOCK FROM WHERE I WAS LIVING.  I DECIDED TO TRY THERE.  ALWAYS GOING THE EXTRA MILE.  I HAD A PANIC ATTACK AND PERSEVERED.  FROM THERE I FOLLOWED TO MOUNTAIN VIEW AND SAN JOSE.  HE BECAME MY CAR MECHANIC AND WAS A MAGICIAN.  BEING JAPANESE I UNDERSTOOD HIS LIFE AND HISTORY.  HE WITNESSED HIS FATHER BEING BRUTALLY KILLED BY A DRUNK IN 1998 THE WEEK AFTER ERIC BECAME ENGAGED.  HE WAS THE BROTHER I DIDN'T HAVE AND ALWAYS WANTED.

HE DIED LAST YEAR 10 DAYS AFTER HIS 61 BIRTHDAY.  I DREAMED OF HIM AND AWOKE SOBBING.  IT WAS CLEAR FROM THE DREAM HE DIED THE DAY HIS FATHER WAS KILLED.  IN THE DREAM HE DIED IN A TRAFFIC ACCIDENT WHILE ACTUALLY I VISITED HIM IN O'CONNOR 3 X THE WEEK BEFORE HE DIED.  I'M STILL MOURNING.

I'M SAD WE HAVEN'T HAD HAPPIER LIVES.

AND NOW I KNOW WHY I BOUGHT THE CAR 6-30.  ERIC DIED 6-13 AND LOUISE HAY 8-30.  AND I REVISITED AFFIRMATIONS.

SO FAST-SAT 9/22

SATURDAY I WENT TO G3 ARQUES EARLY AND THEN SRS, AND WALKED OVER TO MISSION RE-OPENING 10 AM.  ARRIVED 15 MIN. B4 AND ATE 7 CAKE BITES.

IT'S WONDERFUL.  BOOKS, DVDS, ALL NEW.  10-6 M,TU,FRI SAT.  11-8 WED&THU.

THE COMPUTERS ARE HIGH DEFINITION AND EVERYTHING IS IN THE SCREEN.  THE KIDS ARE SO NOISY.  SCREEN TIME IS 90 MINUTES AND I HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT THE NEW MEDIA PLAYER YET.  I STARTED WATCHING FANTASTIC BEASTS.  SO BEAUTIFUL.

1:20 pm-SO FRUSTRATING!!!  I TRIED GETTING IN AND IT SAID UNUSUAL ACTIVITY SO I GO OUT TO THE CAR FOR MY CLUES AND IT LETS ME IN WITHOUT IT.  I'M SURE BECAUSE I LOGGED IN FROM THE NEW COMPUTER AT MISSION ON SATURDAY.  I TRIED ON THE CHROME BUT THE SIGNAL TOO WEAK.  CAME BACK UPSTAIRS SRS AND VOILA.

I CAN GET 90 MINUTES HERE AND ANOTHER 90 MISSION AND 120 CENTRAL.  ALL DAY COVERAGE.

I GET SO ANGRY.  MY FEET HURT DUE TO FIXING NEUROPATHY.  THERE'S SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR NUMBNESS.

THE SOUTHERN CAL FIRES ARE IRRITATING MY EYES AND NOSE.

GOLDEN MOTORCYCLES

I BOUGHT A BOOK WEDNESDAY AT CAMPBELL BY JACK CANFIELD.  IT'S AN ALLEGORY OF HIS LIFE AND ADVERTISING FOR ALL THE NEW AGE GROUPS.  I'VE READ HALF OF IT. 

COMMISERATION

LUNCH HAS BEEN TERRIBLE.  YESTERDAY'S FISH, TODAY'S CHICKEN W/O ALFREDO.  THE EGG NOODLES DRY AND OILY AT THE SAME TIME.  SOGGY BROCCOLI. 

AT LEAST I GOT GOOD DVDS FROM BOOKMOBILE AND CAMPBELL.  I GOT CROCODILE DUNDEE 1 & 2. 

TIRED TUESDAY EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE

DID A LOT YESTERDAY.  GOT GAS SWAM 1 HR 15 MIN.  LIB CHROME RETURN.  ST J PAY BORROWED $2.  ALL MANICALLY.

I'M TAKING IT EASY.  LUNCH WAS BAD.  THEY COOKED THE FISH WITH CILANTRO AND GREEN BELL,  RED AND TOMATO, ONIONS WAS FINE.  OVERDID CILANTRO BROWN RICE.  MADE CARROT RAISIN SALAD TASTE SPOILED OR MAYBE IT WAS.

MANIC MONDAY

I FELT SO GOOD 4:30 AM.  I'M HAVING A GREAT DAY.  I REMEMBERED SMOKES, PAPAYA, CELERY.  I'M HERE AT MLIB TO TURN IN CHROME.  LIFE IS GOOD AND GETTING BETTER.

CELERY IS LIKE A NATURAL HIGH.  I'VE BEEN TALKING A MILE A MINUTE.  THAT'S 60/HR. 

INTERMITTENT

THE COMPUTER RECEPTION FADES IN AND OUT AT HOME.  THE NETWORK IS IFFY.  SOMETIMES A NET NO WORK.  SO I'M CONTINUING TO REASSESS MY THINKING.  I'M SO CONDITIONED TO JUDGE MYSELF.  I CAN STILL HEAR THE CRITICISMS IN THE BACKGROUND OF MY MIND.  MUST BE STORED IN MY BODY SOMEWHERE.  IT'S ALL LEAVING, MAKING ROOM FOR NEW. 

slowly

I'M LEARNING TO LIVE MY LIFE.  MY EARLIEST MEMORY OF MY MOM WAS HER DRAGGING ME ALONG TO AND FROM THE STORE, HURRYING ME, CRITICIZING MY BABY LEGS.  LIKE I COULD HELP IT.

AUNTY KATCHAN WHO WAS RICH WANTED TO ADOPT ME.  DAD WOULDN'T LET HER.  SO DUMB.  FREE MEAL TICKET.  BUT HE WAS JEALOUS THEN, ALWAYS.  LIKE ALL THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE SINCE.  HABITS TAKE A LOT OF WORK.  A LIFETIME OF BAD HABITS TAKE EQUAL ENERGY TO CHANGE.  NOT TIME, ENERGY.  HENCE, MIRACLES.  MIRACLES ARE INSTANT.  NO TIME.

FIRST I HAD TO SEE MY SITUATION.  REALIZE MY PART IN PERPETUATION.  THEN DECIDE WHAT I WANT, LOOK, FEEL, TASTE, ETC.  AND PRACTICE SOMETHING NEW.

SO AFTER EXERCISING I CONSIDERED GOING TO SC OR CUPERTINO OR STAYING IN SUNNYVALE AND DECIDED I WANTED TO RETURN HOME, THE PLACE OF PAST TORMENT AND LONELINESS AND THE NEW HAVEN OF PEACE AND JOY.  I WANT TO READ AND ENJOY MY THINGS. 

I'M FEELING MELLOW.

THE CARNE ASADA WAS PRETTY GOOD AND WE'RE#1 TODAY.  RICH AND ROBT HAD LUNCH SO THE TABLE WASN'T EMPTY.  AND MARILYN GAVE ME GERDA'S PAPER.  I HAVE EXTRA TEA FOR THE WEEKEND.  I WANT TO TRY MONK FRUIT SWEETENER.

I FORGOT MY CELERY AT HOME AND MY SHOULDER INSULATED COOLER DISAPPEARED FROM THE KITCHEN HANGING RACK.  OH, WELL.

I AM REPLETE.

PRINCESS BRIDE/CEDAR BLDG

YESTERDAY I FOLLOWED INGE TO HER HOUSE TO PICK UP HER RECYCLE.  SHE HAS DESIGNED A BEAUTIFUL STORYBOOK HOME FULL OF LOVE.  HER MOTHER NEEDLE POINTED SO MANY PICTURES WITH SO MANY HUMMEL FIGURINES.  TYGJ.  KNOWING THIS WORLD EXISTS IS ENOUGH FOR ME.

MOM ALWAYS WHINED OF NOT HAVING BEAUTIFUL THINGS.  SHE WAS NEVER WILLING TO TAKE CARE OF ANYTHING.  SOMEONE ELSE HAD TO DO IT.  NO WONDER DAD WAS A GROUCH.  AILEEN'S CHILDHOOD WAS WARPED BECAUSE OF IT.  THEY HAD CHILDREN TO GIVE THEM WHAT THEY THOUGHT THEY WANTED.  CHILDREN HAVING CHILDREN.  I HAD TO BE AN ADULT TO SURVIVE.

I THINK A LOT OF ADULT CHILDREN DEVELOP DEMENTIA IN AN ATTEMPT TO RECAPTURE CHILDHOOD.

I'M SO EXCITED TO BE INCLUDED IN ROSE MARIE'S LUNCH INVITATION.  THE VAN WAS LATE.  JET THE GENERAL MANAGER FOR ATRIA 7 1/2 ACRES OF CONDO-HOTEL LIVING WITH KOI FISH POND, SWIMMING POOL, FORMAL DINING ROOM-RESTAURANT, FIREPLACE,  ETC...LUXURY SENIOR LIVING.  ATTENDANTS ON CALL.  PRETTY SWEET.  MERIDIAN PAST HAMILTON LEFT ON LENN. RT INTO FIRST PKG LOT, BLDG TO RIGHT.

4pm-I JUST FINISHED THE CHICKEN SALAD CROISSANT.  I HAD THE SALMON PATTY AND COLESLAW AT LUNCH.  MY WEDDING SOUP HAD NO MEATBALLS, SMALL PORTION SO I WAS STILL HUNGRY.  ROSE MARIE TOOK US TO HER APT.  AND SMALL CAFE ROOM WITH SANDWICHES, BROWNIES, SOUP SO I TOOK ONE, ELSIE TWO.

I NEVER IMAGINED LIFE COULD BE THIS GOOD.

911 WHAT IS YOUR EMERGENCY-TIKKUN OLAM

17 YEARS.

MIRRORS REFLECT BACK MORE LIGHT THAN GOES IN.  MY DISAPPOINTMENT WITH OTHER PEOPLE WAS MY SEEING MY REFLECTION IN OTHER PEOPLE AND NOT SEEING THEM AS THEY ARE WHETHER  CONSCIOUS CHOICE OR UNCONSCIOUS.

EMERGENCY-THE OPPORTUNITY TO STEP UP.  WHAT IS EMERGING, UNFOLDING?

FRED ROGERS DIED TWO YEARS AFTER 911.  I THINK IT MADE HIM QUESTION WHETHER HIS LIFE SERVED ANY PURPOSE.  HIS SON DESCRIBED HIM AS THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST.  MAYBE HE WAS.  IF CHRIST CAME BACK WOULD WE RECOGNIZE HIM?

HE BELIEVED IN TIKKUN OLAM-JEWISH-REPAIR THE WORLD.  HE LIVED IT.

HE WAS VILIFIED AND HORRIBLE GOSSIP, LIES AND RUMORS, PUBLISHED ABOUT HIM.  SPECULATION HE WAS GAY.  HAD BEEN A NAVY SEAL AND KILLED OVER 40.  LIES. 

AT HIS MEMORIAL SERVICE THEY PROTESTED ACROSS THE STREET SAYING HE ACCEPTED GAYS.  WOULDN'T CHRIST HAVE ACCEPTED GAYS AS BEING MADE BY GOD?  THE FIRST STONE.

HOW STRONG MUST ANYONE BE TO TOLERATE THE HORRORS.  THE WORST IS THE HUMAN CONDITION.  PEOPLE WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TRY TO PULL DOWN OTHERS.

LOVELY

ADMISSION DAY.  I WENT TO G2 AND SWAM THE LAP POOL.  SAFEWAY ZERO.  SAFEWAY MARIA CHEESECAKE FACTORY ROLLS.  LUCKY'S 4 JERKY, 2 HEINZ BBQ SAUCE.  THEN I DECIDED I WANTED MCD KIDS MEAL FROM HOMESTEAD.  YUM, HURRAY!!  CHOCOLATE MILK NOT OFFERED SRS MCD.

I SEWED SHORTS TO SKIRT, BAGGED ROLLS, PUT EVERYTHING AWAY.  I ATE SOUP ADDED CELERY AND PEAS, AND CROISSANTS.

I WATCHED DVD PLEASE MURDER ME, 1956 FILM NOIR ANGELA LANSBURY, RAYMOND BURR.  AILEEN ALL OVER.  IF ONLY I'D SEEN IT BEFORE.  GOOD MOVIE.

2001 WAS SO BAD.  DAD DIED 9-5-1999, MOM 5-1-2001, 9-11-2001 FOUR MONTHS LATER I'M BEDRIDDEN FROM WRECKING MY BACK THE NIGHT MOM DIED.  I AWAKE 6:30, TURN ON THE TV CHANGING CHANNELS,  EVERY CHANNEL THE SAME SO I TURN UP THE SOUND AND CAMERAS ARE ON BURNING TOWER I THOUGHT WAS A MOVIE.  THE SOUND ANNOUNCES WE'RE BEING ATTACKED BY TERRORISTS IN MANHATTAN.  AS I WATCH, THE SECOND JETLINER CRASHES AND I'M CRYING,  GRATEFUL MOM IS ALREADY DEAD.  IT WOULD HAVE KILLED HER.

AILEEN MOVES IN LOOTING EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE.  AND THE HELL INTENSIFIES.  TOOK 5 LAWYERS AND A LOT OF MONEY TO GET HER OFF MY ACHING BACK.

STILL PROCESSING

I GUESS I'LL ALWAYS BE WORKING ON MYSELF, ADJUSTING AND ADAPTING.

10:16 CUPERTINO LIBRARY.  IT STILL FEELS STRANGE TO BE ABLE TO EXERCISE, SHOWER, SHOP WITHOUT FORCING MYSELF, WATCHING THE CLOCK WITH FEAR AND ANXIETY, MY LIFELONG COMPANIONS.  I NEVER FELT ALONE.  I WAS TOO BUSY WITH FEAR AND ANXIETY.  TURNED IN PG WODEHOUSE.  SOMEONE REQUESTED HIM.  IMAGINE THAT.  I'M NOT ALONE AFTER ALL.  MY FAMILY RIDICULED AND HUMILIATED ME FOR MY CHOICES IN EVERYTHING.  I LEARNED NOT TO CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK.

I DIDN'T WATCH MORNING WITH LOUISE.  I KNOW LIFE GOES BETTER WHEN I DO.  I'M ACTING HUMAN.

I HAVE MY EARBUDS.  I CAN WATCH LOUISE ON YOU TUBE.

EVERY THOUGHT AFFECTS OUR BODIES.  THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS AFFECT OUR CHEMISTRY.  THAT'S WHY AFFIRMATIONS WORK.

WOW!!!

had to turn in chrome.

I'M BACK.  I CHECKED MY ACCOUNT AND GOT ONE OF THE 3 AVAILABLE.  I GOT RATTLED.  I WENT TO LUCKY'S FOR MY FREE CHIPS WITH HALF HOUR SO DECIDED TO PAY CITI WHICH NOW REQUIRES PASSWORD ISSUED WITH CARD.  I CALLED CUSTOMER SERVICE MISSY NO HELP.  I HAD THE LETTER TAPED AT HOME.  I WENT ONLINE AND PAID IT.  I HAVE TO CHECK EMAILS. 

CYCLES

FROM THE TROUGH I'M ON THE WAY BACK UP TO THE TOP OF THE WAVE.  THE SINE WAVE OF THE CYCLE OF LIFE.

SOMETIMES IT'S A SPIRAL EVER CLIMBING.  WHENEVER I REVISIT AN EXPERIENCE FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE I KNOW I'M TRAVELING THE SPIRAL.

GOD IS THE CENTER OF THE KARMIC WHEEL.  WE RESIDE ON THE SPOKES OF THE WHEEL.  THE FARTHER WE ARE FROM GOD THE HIGHER AND LOWER THE AMPLITUDE, THE LIFE EXPERIENCES.  THE CLOSER WE ARE TO GOD , THE CENTER, THE STRAIGHTER OUR PATH ALONG THE GRAPH OF LIFE.

DAD

AND ALL THE MEN IN MY EXPERIENCE WERE AFRAID OF WOMEN.

THEIR MOTHERS.  THEY NEVER GREW UP AND LEARNED THEIR MOTHERS WERE JUST PEOPLE.  SO THEY FIGHT AND FEAR THE WOMEN AROUND THEM.

AND I HAVE TO GIVE THEM UP.  I RELEASE THEM TO THE UNIVERSE.

I HAVE YET TO MEET AN ADULT MALE.  EXCEPT FOR FRED ROGERS WON'T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR DOCUMENTARY.

STILL

SPENT THE DAY PUZZLING.  MY BACK AND NECK ARE SORE.  MY LEFT ARM AND HAND ARE SORE,  LIKE 1972.  ACHING.

DAD'S DEATHIVERSAY

I'M FEELING BETTER.  SAD AND OK WITH IT.  NOT REALLY I DON'T LIKE FEELING SAD.  REMINDS ME TOO MUCH OF THE FAMILY.  THEY HATED ANYONE ELSE FEELING HAPPY.  THEIR HAPPINESS DEPENDED ON OTHERS' UNHAPPINESS.

THUS THE BITTER END.

i'm feeling so tired.  more fires up north.  more smoke, less oxygen.  and it's only going to get worse with global warming.  what world will be left?

BOOKMOBILE DAY.  BEA AND CODY WERE NICE ENOUGH TO RENEW THE DVDS DUE TODAY SO I DON'T HAVE TO RUSH WATCHING THEM.  I LOVE HAVING THEM COME TO ME.

I WENT TO CAMPBELL TO PICK UP AND MY BOOK IS DUE SAT SO I CAN RETURN IT SUN.  I STOPPED AR ST J.  RHINESTONE EARRINGS AND GLOVE CLIP.  WENT TO MLIB I WATCHED ONE MOVIE. 

HOME 4:30.  STILL TIRED.  SURVIVED.  I NEED MY AFFIRMATIONS. 

HEAL MY DOUBTS

AS A CHILD I DIDN'T CARE FOR SWEETS.  I THINK I CONNECTED SUGAR WITH FEELING BAD.  MY RA.  KIDS ARE MORE IN TOUCH WITH THEIR BODIES.  THEY MAY NOT HAVE THE WORDS TO EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS.  I THINK THEY'RE MORE IN TUNE WITH THE UNIVERSE.  I CAN REMEMBER WARNING MY MOM AND HER ASKING FOR EXPLANATIONS I COULDN'T DESCRIBE.

WHAT HAPPENS TRYING TO FIT IN.  CONFORMING TO A WORLD THAT DOESN'T WANT NEW.  WARPING,TWISTING, ONESELF STRUGGLING TO RESTRICT AND MAINTAIN THE STATUS QUO. 

AND IT'S GETTING WORSE.  KIDS ARE SCHEDULED AND REGIMENTED WITH NO TIME TO JUST BE.  NO TIME TO BE A KID.

I AWOKE RE: DREAM OF JET BUTTERFLIES IN BUBBLE WRAP ENVELOPE HATCHED FROM COCOONS.  RESCUED FROM THRIFT STORE.  I HAVE HUMMINGBIRD NECTAR.

KIDS AREN'T ALLOWED TO BE KIDS.  THEY HAVE TO BE LITTLE ADULTS.

NOON- I'M HOME READING LAST HUNT.  PG 292 TRANSFORMATION FROM GIRL TO UNICORN.  THIS IS WHAT I'M EXPERIENCING.  PAIN OF NEWNESS AND DELIGHT OF MIRACLES.

I EXERCISED, DROVE AROUND SUNNYVALE TO THE POST OFFICE TO MAIL BILLS.  IT'S ALL RECONSTRUCTED.  AND IN MY OPINION UGLY.  HUGE BUILDINGS AND PARKING LOTS.  I CALLED T TO WISH HIM HAPPY LABOR DAY.  HE'S WORKING.

ESTHER HICKS

I'VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE 4:30.

FELL ASLEEP LAST NIGHT 8:30, SLEPT THROUGH.  MUST BE I ATE CELERY.

I LISTENED TO LOUISE HAY MORNING AND EVENING MEDITATIONS SINCE I MAY HAVE TO TURN IN THE CHROMEBOOK TO THE LIBRARY AND THE YOU TUBE ITEM AFTER IT WAS ABRAHAM HICKS NARRATED BY A WOMAN'S VOICE, SO I GOOGLED ABRAHAM HICKS AND FOUND ESTHER AND GOOGLED AND READ SHE WAS ORIGINALLY IN THE SECRET AND WITHDREW WITH CAUSE SO AT THE LIBRARY I SEARCHED AND SHE'S IN THE YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE DVD.  FULL CIRCLE.

I HAVE THE DVD FOR TWO MORE WEEKS.  THE ONLY COPY.

ONWARD AND UPWARD.

THE MORNING MEDITATION SAID TO PREPARE FOR MIRACLES.  I'M STILL NOT COMPLETELY COMFORTABLE WITH "COINCIDENCES."

MY DRIVE TO GYM 2 WAS GREEN LIGHTS.  I WENT TO CUPERTINO LIBRARY TO USE INTERNET AND CHARGED CHROME AFTER FINALLY SUCCESSFULLY RENEWING CHROME BOOK FOR TWO DAYS.

I WANT TO BE TOTALLY COMFORTABLE WITH MIRACLES.

 

NO CELERY

I SLEPT 9:30-4:30.  I FORGOT TO BUY CELERY.  OUCHY BACK, IFFY TUMMY.  FEELING BM BACK.  THE ONLY DIFFERENCE NO CELERY.  I ATE ALL OF IT YESTERDAY B4 AND AFTER LUNCH TO CLEAN MY TEETH.

I'LL GET SOME B4 SRS.

BOUGHT CELERY ARTEAGA'S.  FINISHED PUZZLE AND SWAM.  WENT TO LUCKY'S FOR FREE CHEESE.  CHASE (BILLS), *1, ST J ATE SANDWICH & DILL PICKLE.

I DECIDED TO READ MY NEWSPAPERS AND SHINN BOOK.  NAPPED.  WENT TO MLIB.  FOUND NICKEL WALKED AROUND SOME.

5 PM HOME.  I'M FEELING WEIRD.  FOUR DAYS 'TIL DAD'S DEATHIVERSARY.

CLEANED CELERY, ATE MY FILL.  HAD SPINACH OMELET/CHILI BEANS.  WASN'T SURE THEY WERE STILL GOOD.  TASTED OK.  FLAT BREAD GOOD. 

WASHED LUNCH CONTAINERS.

WE'LL SEE

I FORGOT TO CHARGE CHROME AND PHONE UNTIL AFTERNOON AND IT WAS GREAT.  I PUZZLED, STRETCHED, RELAXED.  THE OLD CHATTER CRITICAL, CONDEMNING IS FADING INTO BACKGROUND.  LAST NIGHT AFTER FLUSHING CLOGGED SINK I READ /BACKGROUND AFFIRMATION AND SLEPT 7 HOURS STRAIGHT THROUGH.

 3:30 @ mlib  I SAW HH AS I WAS LEAVING POOL AREA.  SHE STOPPED AT THE PUZZLE TABLE AS SHE WAS LEAVING AND GAVE ME A HUG.  TYGJ.

PRETTY LITTLE

HAPPY HANNAH (REAL NAME HANH).  I MET HER YESTERDAY IN THE LAP POOL AND TODAY AGAIN.  SHE HAS A 9 YR OLD DAUGHTER AND 6 YR OLD SON.  MARRIED TO THE LOVE OF HER LIFE.  SHE'S VIETNAMESE, VERY BRIGHT AND SELF-DEPRECATING.  SHE BELIEVES SHE'S LESS BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW MORE ENGLISH.  I TOLD HER SHE KNOWS WAY MORE ENGLISH THAN I KNOW VIETNAMESE.  TRUE, I KNOW NONE.  SHE SAYS I'M NICE.  I'M NOT, I TOLD HER I'M KIND.  I TREAT PEOPLE THE WAY THEY TREAT ME.  KIND=ALIKE.  AND I KNOW SINCERE FROM INSINCERE.  AUTHENTIC FROM INAUTHENTIC.  I SUGGESTED LEARNING ENGLISH WITH SUBTITLES FROM THE LIBRARY DVDS LIKE SNOW WHITE TO WATCH WITH HER KIDS.  SHE THANKS ME FOR TALKING TO HER.

MOST PEOPLE I DON'T BOTHER WITH BECAUSE OF THE POWER, ATTENTION HABITS THEY HAVE.  WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I PUT UP WITH THE SILLY ONES.  NO, SAYING THAT IS AN INSULT TO SILLY.  SILLY IS AN ART FORM LIKE HUMOR THAT DOESN'T SEEK TO DEMEAN OR MAKE LESS OF OTHER PEOPLE.  SOME PEOPLE SEEK TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES, PUFFING THEMSELVES UP BY PUTTING OTHERS DOWN.  CRITICIZING WHEN IT'S NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.  I GAVE MYSELF PERMISSION TO IGNORE THEM OR CORRECT THEM.  OLD MAN LABELED ME GOOFY TRYING TO PUT ME DOWN AND GET THE UPPER HAND.  I REPLIED I'D RATHER BE GOOFY THAN PLUTO (DISNEY DOGS)  BECAUSE GOOFY CAN TALK.  HE WALKED AWAY BEFORE I HAD TO TELL HIM TO GO AWAY.  I'VE TOLD MEN TO GO AWAY BEFORE.  PEOPLE CAN BE SO ARROGANT AND FAMILIARLY DISRESPECTFUL.  LIKE MY OBSOLETE FAMILY.

WHO GAVE HIM THE RIGHT TO CRITICIZE ME.  NOT ME.  THEY THINK THEY CAN SHATTER ME.  NOT LIKELY.





 

1 A.M.

I AWOKE.  YESTERDAY WAS THE ICE CREAM SOCIAL $2.  I WASN'T GOING TO PARTICIPATE.  LAST YEAR WAS $1.  I CAN'T AGREE WITH DOUBLING THE PRICE.  MUST BE JENNIFER THE DIRECTOR.  SHE COMMISSIONED HER NEIGHBORHOOD STORE.  THEY PUT IT OUT ON THE PATIO R/T INSIDE AFTER LUNCH AND SHORTENED THE HOURS.  CHOCOLATE, VANILLA, RASPBERRY R/T STRAWBERRY, SHE ADDED ALMOND ICE CREAM, SHREDDED COCONUT.  GERTA ASKED ME IF I WAS GOING.  I DIDN'T WANT TO FEEL RUSHED SO I TOLD HER I HAD TO GO OUT TO MY CAR TO GET MONEY.  SHE GAVE ME TWO DOLLARS.  I WANTED A LITTLE OF EACH BUT COULD ONLY HAVE TWO, CHOCOLATE+ALMOND WITH EVERYTHING.  IT WAS OK.  I'D PREFER A LITTLE OF ALL FOUR.  I WAS FULL OF SUGAR.  STILL AM.  THE UKULELE BAND WAS GOOD BUT NO SOUND SYSTEM AND IT WAS NOISY SO HARD TO LISTEN.

SO I'VE BEEN WATCHING DVDS.  LOUISE HAY USED ALLIANCE I LOVE MYSELF THE WAY I AM AS THE ANTHEM FOR HER AIDS GROUP HAY RIDE IN SANTA MONICA.  SHE WAS RELIGIOUS SCIENCE PRACTITIONER.  FUNNY SHE NEVER MENTIONS ERNEST HOLMES, FILLMORES OR MARY BAKER EDDY.  I HAVE HER SELF PUBLISHED BLUE PAMPHLET 1984.  MAYBE WHEN I LIVED IN GILROY.

YOU TUBE HAS ALLIANCE PERFORMING 1987 AND HOW COULD ANYONE.  I BOUGHT THEIR TAPE FROM FIRST CHURCH OF RELIGIOUS SCIENCE WILLOW GLEN PERFORMANCE 1986(?).  I WANT A CD.  THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT JERRY FLORENCE HE DIED AIDS 1994.  A SPECIAL PERSON.

AHH, THE MUSIC OF MY LIFE.

10:25 a.m. crashed from sugar.  i'm ok.

SO DISTRACTED

I ATE CELERY LAST NITE FOR SNACK AND THIS A.M.  AND I FEEL SO GOOD I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF.

I HAVEN'T FELT THIS GOOD IN WHO KNOWS.

ANOTHER MIRACLE

COURSE IN MIRACLES "MIRACLES HAPPEN ALL THE TIME.  WE DON'T NOTICE THEM."

LAST WEEK I BOUGHT CELERY ON SALE .50 AND  I'VE BEEN EATING IT.  I LOVE AND SOMETIMES MUST HAVE SOME.  I EAT IT VORACIOUSLY FOR A FEW DAYS AND THEN I LOSE INTEREST AND HALF OF IT GOES TO WASTE.  NOW I KNOW WHY.  IT'S SO EXPENSIVE USUALLY I CONSIDER IT A LUXURY.  THIS WEEKEND I REDISCOVERED LOUISE HAY AND NEWLY DISCOVERED MEDICAL INTUITIVE ANTHONY WILLIAM.  CELERY FOR ALL INFLAMMATION.  MY BODY NEEDS IT, BECOMES BALANCED AND THEN MY BODY DOESN'T NEED IT.

AND LAST NIGHT I SLEPT LIKE A BABY.  I AWOKE WITH ACHES BUT I SLEPT 8 HOURS.  DESPITE EATING PRINGLES/MSG I HAD CELERY AS MY BEDTIME SNACK.  I HAD TO P 11:30 WHAT ELSE IS NEW.  I SLEPT 'TIL 5:30!!

EDITOR

I LOVE THE ABILITY TO EDIT ANY POST.  I CAN CORRECT AND REFINE MY THOUGHTS.  I CAN REVIEW MY BEHAVIORS.  PRETTY COOL.  I LOVE LOOKING BACK AND SEEING MY PROGRESS.

YOU CAN HEAL YOUR BODY IS A NEW EDITION.  I LOVE THE AFFIRMATIONS.  I CAN PLAY THEM IN THE BACKGROUND.  I CONSIDER FINDING MY OWN COPY.

I ACTUALLY WANTED TO JUMP UP AND DOWN THIS A.M.  I'LL WAIT AND DO IT CAREFULLY.  I'VE BEEN UP SINCE 4:30.  I'VE EATEN MY OATMEAL, CONSIDERED PUTTING OUT BINS MONDAY, REST AND RELAX.  THERE'S ALWAYS LATER.  I RESET MY PHONE.  PAID TARG.  STEADY GIRL, CALM AND PEACE FILLED.  EXUBERANCE LATER.

IT WORKS

I WAITED 'TIL 4 PM YESTERDAY TO RETURN CHROME AND IT BECAME AVAILABLE.  WHOOPEE!!

I WENT COSTCO, GAS REMEMBERED, G2 AND SAFEWAY CRACKERS, MUFFINS, CHIPS ON CLEARANCE. I'M SO DISTRACTABLE  I LEFT MY WALLET ON COUNTER WHEN CHECKER LEFT I DID TOO.  I WENT BACK WHEN I COULDN'T FIND IT TO PUT IN MY SACK BAG.

OSH CLOSING STORES.  AND HERE, CUPERTINO LIBRARY TO RETURN.  AND I PARKED IN LONG TERM SHADE.  I FOUND QUARTER IN BATHROOM MACHINE AND COULDN'T RETRIEVE IT, SO BLESSED IT.

I FOUND 3 HAY BOOKS TO ABSORB.  I AM RICHLY BLESSED.  A COMPILATION OF FLORENCE SCOVEL SHIN TITLES IS REMARKABLE IN IT'S USE OF WORDS.  LIKE BENJAMIN FRANKLIN'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY THE WRITING IS STILL FRESH.

I SHALL DEVOUR THEM.

1:22 pm I'M AT SV LIB AFTER TARG.  I BOUGHT HOT DOGS, WALKED THE STORE FOR BARGAINS, PAID BILL DUE 1ST.  PASSED HOLLENBECK OSH, MAYBE RETURN LATER, MAYBE NOT.  ATE ONE HOT.

I DECIDED TO PICK UP ACTIVITY SHEET FOR SUMMER READ.  $5 COUPON.

WHOO-HOO!!  FOUND TWO DVDS.  HOME BY 4.  REST.

PRAYING FOR THE EVILS

THEIR NAMES KEEP APPEARING ON THE TV PROGRAMS SO I'M PRAYING FOR THEM, ANTICIPATING MORE WILL BE REVEALED.

IT MAY BE THE UNICORN INFLUENCE.  WHO KNOWS.  I'M MAXING OUT MY CHROME TIME.

I RE FOUND LOUISE HAY.  TIME FOR FUN HEALING.

I ATE MY SANDWICHES, BANANA, PICKLES, CELERY FROM HOME.  I GOT SLEEPY AND REMEMBERED NORCAL, OREGON, CANADA FIRES RAGING AND THE AIR QUALITY MODERATE. 

DREAMS OF THE PAST

4:45 I DREAMED OF FOUR BIKE RIDERS TAKING OFF FROM 36736 SPRUCE ST. GARAGE  STEALING MY SPARE PHONE CASE.  I WARN THEM EVERYONE WHO STEALS FROM ME PAYS THE KARMIC PRICE.  THEY LAUGH AND LEAVE.

DR. FARI'S NEPHEW WAS KILLED RIDING HIS BIKE.  SHE DID UNNEEDED DENTAL WORK FOR THE $.  FOUR MEMBERS IN EACH MY SIS' FAMILY.

OH, WELL.  I CAN ONLY REMIND AND RELEASE. 

 

CREATING A HAPPY CHILDHOOD IS HARD WORK

I'M EXHAUSTED.  FINDING OUT WHAT I LIKE AND GETTING IT AND TAKING CARE OF IT IS A LOT OF WORK.

EVERYTHING I OWN ACTUALLY OWNS ME.  I BECOME RESPONSIBLE FOR IT.  I GUESS MOST PEOPLE JUST AREN'T RESPONSIBLE OR SOMETHING.  I DON'T KNOW.

DOING WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT GETS BORING TOO.  I GUESS THAT'S WHY KIDS WANT TO GROW UP.  BESIDES WANTING EVERYTHING NOW.

MY SECOND DREAM THIS A. M. AT THREE WAS A TRAFFIC JAM IN THE COUNTRY DUE TO AN ACCIDENT.  I WENT THE OTHER WAY.  I FELT LIKE I WANTED TO LIE IN BED ALL DAY.  BEEN THERE DONE THAT.

ANTI-COMPULSION

HAPPINESS IS THE PRESCRIPTION FOR RELEASING COMPULSIONS.

I'M LISTENING TO MY SELF.  BIRDS AVOID COLLISIONS BY BEING CONNECTED TO THE UNIVERSE.  IT'S ONLY PEOPLE WHO DISCONNECT.  THE WHOLE POINT OF GOD IS THE CONNECTION WITH EVERYTHING.

HIGHLY GIFTED CHILD WAS LAST NIGHT'S BONUS PUZZLE AND I FORGOT UNTIL NOW.  AND I SURVIVED.  I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE GOING OUT TO THE CAR FOR THE CHROME.  SO I DIDN'T.  AND TODAY I CHARGED MY PHONE.  I DIDN'T DO BOTH YESTERDAY, ONLY THE CHROME.  I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF.

i just tried tonight's puzzle, i goofed up.

WHO KNEW?  I DON'T HAVE TO WATCH BUT I DO ENJOY PAT AND VANNA.  I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T LIKE IT BEFORE.

I'M HAVING MORE FUN

I MUST BE DOING IT RIGHT.

I DECIDED CONSCIOUSLY IT'S UP TO ME.  I WAS BLAMED FOR MY MOM'S LIFE MY ENTIRE LIFE.  THE BLAME MADE ME CONSCIOUS OF MY EFFECT ON OTHER PEOPLE.  SOMETIMES AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION SOMETIMES NOT.  THE BLAME TAUGHT ME MY LIMITS. 

I'M A TEACHER TO THOSE WILLING TO LEARN.  MY GREATEST STUDENT MYSELF.

PUMPKIN PIE-QUARTERS

BEST DAY SO FAR.  I WENT TO G2, SAFEWAY, CUPERTINO LIBRARY 10 A.M., QUARTER & TWO BUTTONS ON THE GROUND.  I ACCESSED MY MAIL, BLOGGED USING CHROME.  I DROVE DIRECTLY TO ST J AND FOUND TWO NEW JOE BOXER T'S, LAVENDER TANK AND SWEATER, GLASS COVER FOR ARIEL XMAS MUSIC BOX, ALL HALF OFF.  THEN AFTER LUNCH AT PARK LIBRARY TWO QUARTERS AND NICKEL.

I CAN EAT PIE IN COOLER, WHATEVER I WANT.  AND SO MUCH TIME TO DO WHATEVER I CHOOSE.

I WANTED PUMPKIN PIE LAST WEEK FROM SPROUTS BUT NONE.  AND THE SAFEWAY LARGE HALF PIE FOR $1.99 WAS PRETTY GOOD. 

I CAN HAVE IT ALL.

SO GREAT!

HERE I SIT AT CUPERTINO 10 A.M. ON A SUNDAY AND I HAVE ACCESS TO MY ONLINE ACCOUNTS THROUGH CHROME.  THAT WAS THE ONLY PROBLEM, USING EXPLORER LIMITED ACCESS.

I RETURNED DVDS AND TODAY IS ST. J.  SO I WAS THINKING I'D GO STRAIGHT FROM HERE.  I HAVE BOOKS AND DVDS.  WHAT MORE COULD I WANT I DON'T KNOW.

I HAVEN'T FOUND ANY MORE DIMES BUT I FOUND A QUARTER AND BOTTLES AND CANS.  I'M FEELING RICH AND SUPPORTED.

I CAN EAT BANANA.  I CAN WRITE TO AUNTY.  I CAN CATCH UP ON LIFE.  I CAN RUMINATE.  I'M FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I THINK I'LL READ.  MY FAVORITE THING TO DO.

I'M LEARNING

I CHECKED MY E-MAIL AND LUCKY'S FREE SLICED TURKEY. WATCHED LAST MOVIE STAR.

FEELING ...?

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HUMAN HISTORY WE CONTEMPLATE DYING.  BECAUSE OF IMPROVEMENTS IN DIET AND MEDICINE WE HAVE RETIREMENT AND MOST ARE DECLINING HAPPINESS FOR BRATINESS.  THE DESIRE TO DO NOTHING IS TOTALLY UNNATURAL.  THE REST OF THE UNIVERSE IS IN CONSTANT MOTION.  TO SIT AND VEGETATE IS CONTRA-LIFE.  AND SO A PAIN FILLED DEATH AWAITS ALL WHO SIT AND VEGETATE.  WE'RE NOT VEGETABLES.  ALTHOUGH MANY ARE IN DENIAL. 

HEAVEN

I'VE BEEN DOING WHAT I WANT AND FORGETTING THE CLOCK.  I SPENT THE DAY READING AND CATCHING UP ON NEWSPAPER PUZZLES.  MY IDEA OF HEAVEN. 

I HAVE FOOD AND AM FEELING FINE.  NEXT TABLE AT LUNCH GAVE US DESSERTS.  I THINK THEY'RE PREPARING FOR AVOCADO HARVEST.  TOO MUCH WORK.

TIME OF MY LIFE

I'M DOING WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT.  NOTHING BETTER.

LET GO

I STAYED IN AFTER GYM 2 AND SHOPPING.  REST, READING, ROASTED CHICK-KA- BOBS.  I REMEMBERED TO MIX STRAWBERRY QUIK.  YUM.  WHEN I ARRIVED G-2 NO PAPER I SUPPOSED IT ON VACATION THEN AS I WAS LEAVING I CHECKED AND TV GUIDE AND LOCAL SECTION HIDDEN UNDER DAILY.  WEREN'T THERE B4.

I MADE SPAGHETTI AND MEAT ASTEROIDS FROM SRS.  I HAVE HOT DOGS IN THE FREEZER.  I ATE SALAD W/MARMALADE.  PORK SANDWICH.

I LOVE MY NEW CAR.  I HAVE SEPARATE LIGHTS ON THE MIRROR.  THE ROSEWOOD ACCENTS ARE BEAUTIFUL.  SO MANY LUXURY TOUCHES.  I FEEL TRULY BLESSED.

STILL

I HAD ABANDONMENT ISSUES EARLY THIS MORNING.  I COULD HAVE BEEN ADOPTED BY PEOPLE WHO WANTED ME BUT ACCORDING TO MOM DAD DIDN'T AGREE AND I WAS STUCK BEING THE FETCH AND CARRY FOR THE ENTIRE FAMILY.  I WAS SURE I WAS ADOPTED BY MY FEAR FILLED FAMILY.  I JUST KNEW I DIDN'T BELONG.

I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY REAL FAMILY TO RECOGNIZE ME.

I CONSOLED AND REASSURED MYSELF.  I LOVE ME.

I'M A SINGLE MOM AND ONLY CHILD.

I TOOK MYSELF TO MC-D.  HAPPY HAMBURGER MEAL+MCCHICKEN=$4.36.  WOWIE WOW WOW.  I LEFT FOUND PENNY ON FLOOR IN FRONT OF ORDER COUNTER W/MY BLESSINGS.

AND AN AFTERNOON OF MOVIES AND GOOFING AT THE LIB.  I ANSWERED PAGE FOR MY CAR IN PARKING GARAGE.  SCPD PATROLS UNDER GROUND GIVES TICKETS. 

-- = +

FROM A NEGATIVE A POSITIVE RESULT.  I'M STILL DOING DUE DILIGENCE.  I CHECKED LOST & FOUND-CITY. 

COURSE IN MIRACLES- IT'S NOT SUCCESS OR FAILURE- IT'S THE PRACTICE.

PRACTICING GOOD BEHAVIORS TO BE AND HAVE THE GOOD.

FEAR OF LOSING IT

THE NEW GREAT FEAR.  AS KIDS WE PRACTICED FOR NUCLEAR WAR.  NOW SINCE THEY CAN BLOW US UP AND WE DON'T CARE IT'S DEMENTIA. 

AS GILDA RADNER SAID, "IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING."

LET GO

I HAVEN'T YET REMEMBERED TO CHECK CITY LOST AND FOUND AGAIN.  DOING DUE DILIGENCE.

93 DEGREES F

I WAS GOING TO LEAVE AT 4 UNTIL I SAW THE TEMP.  I'M HANGING OUT LIKE A CHILD AT PLAY.

I WENT TO VISIT ROSE MARIE FOR A PEP TALK.  IT WAS 90 THEN AFTER CAMPBELL LIBRARY.  IBBIDY, IBBIDY, THAT'S ALL FOLKS.

SELF SABOTAGE

IS LEARNED AND CONTINUED AS A BAD HABIT OR LOYALTY TO THE PAST. 

SUCCESSFUL, HAPPY PEOPLE DON'T HAVE THAT.  I CAN LEAVE IT IN THE PAST.  I DON'T NEED IT AS AN ANCHOR, A STABILIZING FORCE. 

FEELING GUILTY

I WANTED THE SAFEWAY $5 FRIDAY STRAWBERRY BOSTON CREME CAKE AND RAYMOND BROUGHT ONE TO LUNCH.  HOW PERFECT IS THAT.  PERFECT.  I STAYED AT SRS AND PUZZLED 'TIL 4.

AND I GOT THE TITLE FOR THE CAR.  HURRAY!!

DUE DILIGENCE

I WENT TO THE CITY LOST & FOUND LOOKING FOR MY FORGOTTEN GYM BAG AND "NOTHING BIGGER THAN A WATER BOTTLE".  SO TODAY I PUZZLED AND RESTED.  I CONSIDERED SAVERS AND THE LIBRARY AND PREFERRED TO PUZZLE.  CAME HOME.  I HAVE TWO GREAT BOOKS TO READ AND FEEL GREAT. 

I PADDLED IN THE POOL FOR HALF AN HOUR.  I WENT ONLINE TO LOOK FOR CAROLE FOR ROSE MARIE.  SHE NEEDS HELP AT HOME.  I'D RATHER EXERCISE.  I'M AMAZED AT THE ATTITUDE OF SENIORS WHO DON'T LIKE TO MOVE.  THEY WANT TO SIT AND GOSSIP. 

T. GRANDIN

I'M LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE AUTISTIC LIFE. 

AND LIVING MORE.  I TRIMMED THE CACTUS THIS AM,  FILLED THE H2O BOTTLES,  PICKED UP & DROPPED OFF DVDS AT CAMPBELL.  A FULL DAY.

MY NEW BEHAVIORS ARE BECOMING A WELCOME, COMFORTING ROUTINE. 

YESTERDAY I BROILED A SMALL PORK ROAST AND ATE THE LAST OF THE MASH.  I'M CREATING MY LIFE THE WAY I WANT IT, NOT THE WAY IT HAS BEEN.  NEW BEHAVIORS=NEW RESULTS.

UNLEARNED

MY PARENTS BELIEVED ONLY PUNISHMENT GOT RESULTS FROM ME.  MAYBE THEY WERE RIGHT.  MAYBE THEY NEVER TRIED TO BRIBE (PREPAY).  NO, I WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED A GIFT.  AND THAT'S SO HURTFUL THEY TREATED ME SO UNKINDLY.  SO DIFFERENTLY FROM THE EVIL SISTERS GIVEN EVERYTHING AND THEY TURNED OUT LIARS, CHEATERS, THIEVES.

I'M RELEARNING TO LIVE MY LIFE.  THURSDAY I FORGOT MY GYM BAG ROLLING SUITCASE ON THE SIDEWALK BEING DISTRACTED BY AN ACCIDENT AT THE INTERSECTION OF HARRISON X MONROE WHEN I WAS LEAVING SRS.   I WENT HOME ON LINCOLN.  I DIDN'T MISS IT UNTIL THE NEXT MORNING WHEN IT WASN'T IN THE BACK SEAT.  FOR ALL I KNOW IT EVAPORATED SOMETIME IN THE NIGHT.  I CHECKED LOST AND FOUND AND I'LL CONTINUE FOR A WEEK, DUE DILIGENCE.  I FIND I DON'T NEED IT.  MY BACK IS SOOOO MUCH BETTER I CAN COMFORTABLY CARRY MY BAG. 

PART OF ME FEELS I SHOULD BE MORE UPSET WITH MYSELF OR SOMETHING BUT I'M NOT.  I'M STILL HAPPY.  THAT OR SOMETHING BETTER.

I TREATED MY SELF TO R-B SLIDERS, GLAZED WALNUTS FOR SNACKS.  AND I'M WATCHING MOVIES AT THE LIBRARY.

HOORAY!!  ME!!

small still voice

REMINDED ME CHROME WAS DUE AND I CHOSE TO CONTINUE TO SRS.

I SENT AUNTY A CARD AND NOTE SINCE I'VE BEEN FINDING SO MANY DIMES.  AND I FOUND ANOTHER ONE IN THE STREET.

UNCLE IS THE BEST ANGEL.

I CAN GO TO LIB LATER AT NIGHT.

SO MUCH FUN

I'M ENJOYING MY CAR LIKE NEVER B4.  I DROVE TO CUPERTINO LIBRARY LAST NIGHT TO AVOID TODAY'S HEAT.  I'M WATCHING DVDS AT 2X SPEED SO TWICE AS MANY. 

I'M LIVING LIKE NEVER B4.

7-22 st j

TIRED AND CONTENT.  I OVERLOOKED MY KEY BAG AND HAD TO WALK ALL THE WAY BACK TO ST J FROM THE LIBRARY.  I TOOK THE CHROME AND CHARGED IT AT ST J.  I WAS SO FOCUSED ON THE CHROME I FORGOT TO DOUBLE CHECK MY SPACE BEFORE I LEFT THE FIRST TIME.

MORE EXERCISE

I JUST WALKED FROM THE LIBRARY TO ROSS', SAFEWAY, POPEYE'S, ST J, BACK TO THE LIBRARY IN TWO HRS.

I PROMISED DR CHUNG TO EXERCISE MORE AND I'M HAVING MORE FUN.  AND I GOT CHICK TENDERS AND TURKEY SANDWICH.

I WENT TO ROSS' FOR THE SEAT COVERS.  TARGET B4 SRS WAS TOO HIGH.  FROM $20 TO $14.  AND I BOUGHT A PINEAPPLE SHOPPING BAG.  I DIDN'T DECIDE ON ROSS' UNTIL I WAS WAITING TO CROSS THE STREET.  I GOT A BIG BOX OF CLEARANCE CRACKERS BACON/CHEESE FOR $1.50 AND MY PEPPER TURKEY-SMOKED GOUDA ARTISAN SANDWICH AND THE 4 PC CHICK TENDERS 'CAUSE THEY WERE READY OR WAIT 15 MIN.  I'M EATING LIKE A QUEEN.

BIG ME/LITTLE ME

I GET TO CHOOSE.  I CAN RATIONALIZE AND REFRAME.  DOING IT NOW.

HHWW.

VERY GOOD

I FINALLY CONNECTED WITH ROSE MARIE.  FRIDAY I HAD A CUPCAKE I WANTED TO TAKE TO HER AT KAISER BUT I CALLED HER ROOM, NO ANSWER.  AND SATURDAY, NO ANSWER.  SUNDAY NO ANSWER.  MONDAY I FOCUSED ON DONATING MY CAR SINCE I FINISHED CLEARING IT.

TUESDAY I FOUND OUT SHE WAS AT SAN TOMAS CONVALESCENT, AND TOOK MUFFINS.  WE SAT OUTSIDE AND HAD A NICE VISIT.  IT'S WHAT I DO.

and by the time i got home vehiclesforveterans.com had picked up the car.

I DID IT

VEHICLESFORVETERANS.ORG-1-888-255-2838.  10 AM.

I FINISHED CLEARING OUT THE CAR THIS AM.  I FEEL A LITTLE SAD.  IT'S BEEN A GOOD CAR. 

I LOVE MY THINGS.  I FEEL CONNECTED TO MY THINGS.  MAYBE THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS.  CONNECTIONS.

DAY 2

I FEEL NEW.  I LOADED/UNLOADED FOR 1 1/2 HR, WENT TO SRS, CAME HERE TO THE LIBRARY.  I SIGNED UP FOR $2.99 SAFEWAY SANDWICHES AND $1.49-12 OZ CHIPS.

I GOT HERE AT 10 AND WALKED ACROSS THE STREET.  ROSS' HAS SEAT COVERS.  I HAVEN'T CHECKED TARGET.  I COULD DO THAT TOMORROW OR NOT.

                                  FREEDOM!

I'VE NEVER BEFORE HAD THIS MUCH GOOD.

GOD'S WILL? FRIDAY THE 13th

I WANTED TO DRIVE MY OLD CAR TODAY AND DISCOVERED THE WINDSHIELD COMPLETELY SHATTERED.  SO I DROVE MY NEW AND HAD TO GO BACK FOR THE CHROME AND HOBO BAGS IN THE TRUNK.  I WAS ALL SET TO TAKE OFF.  I HAD PLANNED TO TRANSFER MY STUFF TOMORROW AND SUNDAY.  OH, WELL.

THE SHATTERED WINDSHIELD ISN'T APPARENT UNTIL I REMOVE THE SILVER REFLECTIVE SUNSCREEN.  LITTLE TINY PIECES OF SAFETY GLASS. 

I'M A LITTLE RATTLED, SHOOK UP.

TIME TO GIVE THE OLD AWAY.

3;30 PM-I LOOKED ONLINE FOR CHARITIES.  ONCE I CLEAR OUT THE OLD CAR I CAN CALL. 

POLICE REPORT; CALLED MIKE @ SCPD AND GIVEN THE OPTION OF FILING ONLINE,  I DID.  I'M FEELING THE GROWN UP, RESPONSIBLE ADULT.  I'D RATHER NOT HAVE ANY MORE SHATTERED GLASS. 

IT TOOK ME 1 1/2 HR TO FIND MY SMOKES.  I DIDN'T HAVE AN ASHTRAY AND PUT THE PACK IN THE CONSOLE.  THEN I COULDN'T REMEMBER WHICH CAR AND WHERE.  I HAD TO HAVE A SMOKE TO FIGURE IT OUT.

ROSE MARIE IS STILL AT KAISER.

DAD DIED AT KAISER.

I CAN BELIEVE IT

I'M GOOD.  I MISPLACED A DVD AND FOUND IT.  I'M SLOWLY CHANGING CARS AND SORTING THROUGH STUFF IN THE HOUSE.  I'M DOING MY EXERCISES AND EATING LIKE A QUEEN.  THE CHROME IS WORKING GREAT.  I SWITCHED MY CAR INSURANCE.  NEXT IS MY GIFT CARD ACTIVATION.  I'M CURRENT ON BILLS.

WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?

SAVER'S

I DECIDED LAST WEEK TO GO BACK FOR A METAL RACK AND SOCK MONKEY.  THEY WERE GONE.  I FOUND A DIFFERENT RACK AND IGLOO I CAN USE FOR GARDEN TOOLS AND TO SIT ON.  I THOUGHT I'D SHOP THE REST OF THE STORE.  I TRIED ON TWO WORK OUT SHIRTS AND A B-SUIT, BRAND NEW.  THE SHIRTS DIDN'T FIT BUT THE SUIT WAS PERFECT.  THE FIRST NEW SUIT I BOUGHT FOR THE POOL.

I WANTED SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS AND WENT TO FOOD MAXX.  3 TV DINNERS, CHERRIES $1.98 lb, 4/$1 AVOCADOS, 2 STRAWBERRIES $1 EA, APPLE TURNOVERS $$1.99, 6 TOOTHBRUSHES $3.

92o IN CAMPBELL.  I DROPPED OFF AND PICKED UP.  I FORGOT THEY DON'T OPEN 'TIL 1 MON-TUE.  I GOT THERE 14 MIN EARLY.



   

I'M SITTING IN MY CAR

THE RECEPTION IS FASTER HERE.  I'M EASING MYSELF INTO MY NEW LIFE.

THE LESSON OF THE BUTTERFLY.  I MAY BE PROJECTING BUT THIS IS A VOLATILE PLANET.  I DON'T KNOW.  I'M FEELING MY WAY.

I DECIDED I NEEDED TO GET THE COVILLE BOOK FROM SARATOGA LIBRARY AND GOT LOST.  I WENT TO LUCKY'S WESTGATE SUPER STORE FOR MY FREEBIES SINCE I ARRIVED IN SARATOGA AN HOUR EARLY.

IT'S BEEN SUCH A LONG TIME AND I'VE CHANGED SO MUCH I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE THE TERRAIN.  I CHARGED MY CHROME AND WENT TO G-1.  THE TUB WAS DOWN SO I SHOWERED AND CAME HOME.  97o.

I FORGOT THE PHONE CHARGER.

FAMILY CURSE

SUICIDE, ALCOHOLISM, SELF-DESTRUCTION. 

TOBACCO IS A TOOL, MAYBE EVERYTHING ON THE PLANET IS A MEANS TO AN END.  A COURSE IN MIRACLES SAYS EVERYTHING HAS THE MEANING WE GIVE IT, THE ULTIMATE IN RELATIVITY.

FEELING BLUE

I DON'T KNOW WHAT FROM.  I MIGHT BE TIRED OR ATE JUNK.

LITTLE DOUBTS

I'M STILL WORKING ON ME.  PRACTICING PEACE.

I STILL HAVE VESTIGES OF FEAR AND SELF-DOUBT.  AND MY AFFIRMATIONS TO BALANCE.

THE LEARNED SELF-CRITICISM IS STILL WITH ME, KEEPING ME GROUNDED.  AND I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR.

BACK TO THE PRESENT

I DID A LITTLE TOO MUCH.  I COULDN'T SLEEP AND AWOKE NAUSEATED.  I WAS TIRED MOST OF THE DAY.  I STILL WENT TO THE BANK, ST J, LIBRARY.  I'LL RETURN CHROME TOMORROW.  I PICKED UP BOOK I LOVE.

I HAD A NAP AND SOUP.  I'M TAKING BETTER CARE OF ME. 

HURRAY!! AND TYGJ.

BRILLIANT BEGINNING

I AWOKE AT 3,  TOOK MY TIME.  I WANTED TO STAY IN BED ALL DAY BUT I HAD TO PICK UP DVD CUPERTINO SO I WENT G2 7;30, THEN ARRIVED CUPERTINO 9;40.  I STAYED AND PLAYED 'TIL 11;30 PLANNING ON LA LIB, SAN ANTONIO ROAD.  ON THE WAY ON FOOTHILL I STOPPED AT LUCKY'S GOT MY LAST DAY FREE CANDY AND 100 POINT CHIPS.  I NOTICED WOODLAND LIBRARY OPENED AT 11.  STOPPED THERE INSTEAD, BORROWED A FINE ROMANCE ENTIRE SERIES TO WATCH THE 4TH.  I DROVE TO MAG TOYOTA 12;30, PICKED UP CAR FAX FROM ANDY/FINANCE, CHECKED IF 4TH BBQ.  I THOUGHT I WAS TOO LATE BUT THEY HADN'T STARTED.  LOUIS WAS LAST MINUTE FILL IN.  I HAD A PATTY AND 2 DOGS.  YUM!!  WATCHED WORLD CUP ON BIG SCREEN.

I SHARED THE MOTORCYCLE HIGH-SIDING STORY WITH ROBERT.  I DON'T KNOW WHY.

PRETTY PERFECT DAY 82 os.

I CAME HOME, WATCHED SOME TV, READ AND NAPPED 2 HRS.

TYGJ

I'M TRUSTING

I BOUGHT A CAR ALL BY MYSELF.  NOT PERFECT.  I HOPE CARLOS MY MECHANIC IS OK WITH IT.

DW-FORGIVE.  I GOT TO PALO ALTO AT 7.  SALES DIDN'T OPEN 'TIL 9 SO I DROVE LOOKING FOR PACC AND I ACTUALLY HAD TO SEARCH.  I FORGIVE MYSELF.  I WENT BACK TO MAGNUSSEN TOYOTA AND WATCHED 15 MINUTES OF WORLD CUP 'TIL 9.

TEST DROVE AND LOVED IT.  I BOUGHT IT.  $10 K.  THE AMOUNT AIL GAVE EACH OF US.  ONLINE FAIR PRICE.

IT TOOK HOURS FOR THEM TO DETAIL IT.  BECAUSE OF THE FOURTH THEY HAD HOT DOGS AND HAMBURGERS.  I HAD ONE OF EACH NO BUN WHILE I WAITED.  I DID SJ MERC NEWS PUZZLES.  AND I'M OK.  CALM AND FEELING OK.

I'M FEELING SO UNSURE OF THE CAR AND PROUD OF MYSELF FOR DOING IT.

NOW TO RELEASE THE OLD AND BE SET FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS CAR WISE.

I'M OK

I MISPLACED A BOOK AND DVD AND FOUND THEM.  ALL LAST NIGHT I LEFT THE LIGHT ON AND I'M STILL OK.  I FOUND A FABULOUS CAR ONLINE IN PA AND GOT EXCITED.  I'M EXERCISING MY SPIRITUAL MUSCLES.

MIRACLE SHOE INSERT

MAYBE A YEAR AGO I FOUND ONE RIGHT INSERT IN THE PARKING LOT AT SRS, WASHED AND SAVED IT.  TODAY I PLANNED ON WEARING THE SHOES AND THE RIGHT INSERT WAS SPLIT IN TWO. 

HOW PERFECT IS THAT.

GOOD DAY

4 AM WATCHED DVD, TIDIED, LUCKY'S, HOME, ST J, LIB, LUCKY'S SARA, HOME.  IT'S LOVELY COOL AT 8.  YESTERDAY I SPENT THE DAY AT THE LIBRARY, WALKING AROUND, READING, MY FAVORITE THING TO DO, TACO BELL LUNCH.

AND TODAY CHICKEN SALAD AND BINGO AT ST J.  I WALKED AROUND, SAT AND PEOPLE WATCHED.  TODAY THE KIDS WERE OUTSIDE PERFORMING.  THE BOOKS AND PROGRAMS ARE GREAT.  I HOPE FOR A BETTER WORLD WITH BETTER PEOPLE. 

I AM CONTENT.

92 o day

I'M HANGING OUT AT THE LIBRARY.  I DECIDED TO PADDLE IN THE LAP POOL AND CAME TO THE LIBRARY BY 10-OPENS.  THINKING AND PLANNING FOR LUNCH I WALKED OVER TO TACO BELL.  $10 FOR HASH BROWN, TWO CRISPY TACO, BURRITO SUPREME($4!!), B-FAST BURRITO.  EH, BETTER THAN $15.

I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF.  I TIDIED THE CAR SO I CAN NAP.  I PARKED UNDER IN THE SHADE.  WATCHED ANOTHER DAD MOVIE- I CAN ONLY IMAGINE.  IF U DON'T GET OVER IT THIS TIME UR NOT REALLY TRYING.

FOR THE FIRST TIME THE CSC FREE WI-FI IS WORKING.  AMAZING.

SOME KIND OF BBQ THING IS AT THE PARK.  SO NOISY.  LOVELY QUIET, COOL HERE.

UPDATE-THE TACO BELL MADE MY BODY SWELL AND SORE ALL OVER.  DOES NOT GO WELL WITH ARTHRITIS.

WEEPING WEREWOLF 2

THE BOOK MUST HAVE FALLEN INTO THE RECYCLE BIN.

IT'S ABOUT DAD.  I'M OVER IT.  I HAVE MR. ROGERS NEIGHBORHOOD FOR AN EXAMPLE OF A GOOD FATHER.  YESTERDAY I BORROWED THE BOOKS FROM CAMPBELL LIBRARY AND READ THEM AND IT'S ABOUT FINDING UNKNOWN MISSING FATHERS AND RESOLUTION.  SO IS THE MY TEACHER IS AN ALIEN SERIES OF BOOKS.

I NEVER HAD A FATHER.  HE WAS MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY, AND SPIRITUALLY ABSENT.  HE NEVER HAD A GOOD FATHER.  HE HAD AN ALCOHOLIC SUICIDE FOR A FATHER, SOMEONE WHO CHOSE TO GIVE UP.  DAD WAS ACTUALLY AN IMPROVEMENT WHO ALSO GAVE UP.

I HAVE TO KEEP ON TO BREAK THE CYCLE.

 GREAT WOMEN HAD GREAT MOTHERS.  I HAVE TO CRAFT A GREAT MOTHER.

AND NOW I KNOW WHAT MY FEAR OF CHOOSING THE RIGHT CAR, THE RIGHT EVERYTHING IS BASED ON.

UNKINDEST CUT

I THOUGHT MITZI WAS THE ONLY ONE TO LOVE ME IN THE FAMILY.  MY BIGGEST MISTAKE.  NONE OF THEM LOVED ME.  I WAS JUST AN ODDITY.  SOMETHING TO BE USED.  A TOOL, NOT EVEN HUMAN. 

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

PICK MYSELF UP OFF THE GROUND, DUST MYSELF OFF, AND HOW DO I START OVER AGAIN?

I JUST CRY.

SELLING MY HOME OUT FROM UNDER ME

MIT UNDER THE GUISE OF A JOB TRAINING TONIGHT 7-9 AT CENTRAL LIBRARY.  SHE WANTS TO BENEFIT FROM MY HOUSE AFTER I TOOK CARE OF THE PARENTS.

NOW IT MAKES SENSE, THE MISSING BIKE PEDDLES AND BOOK.  ONE OF THE SINISTER SISTERS.  SISTER IS IN THE WORD SINISTER.

GAS LIGHTING IS THEIR STYLE.  I WANTED TO BELIEVE MIT WAS DIFFERENT AND BETTER THAN AIL BUT TWO PEAS.

THEY BOTH WANT ME OUT ON THE STREET.  I DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE IT.  IT'S THE TRUTH.

THEY'RE THE REASON FOR THE LAW IN CALIFORNIA.  THEY CAN'T EVICT ME.

WEEPING WEREWOLF

I'VE MISPLACED THE BOOK AGAIN.  I DID IT LAST WEEK TOO.

DW-LISTEN, I'M THE WEEPING WEREWOLF.  I'M CLINICALLY DEPRESSED.  I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I WASN'T I THOUGHT DEATH WAS IMMINENT.

HAVING GROWN UP IN A HOUSEHOLD OF SUICIDAL ALCOHOLICS I DIDN'T KNOW HAPPINESS.  I THOUGHT IT WAS LACK OF PAIN.  AND THE FIRST TIME I FELT JOY FEAR OVERWHELMED ME.  WHEN I FELT LOVE FROM MOMMA I HAD TO RETREAT IN TERROR.

I AM LOOKING FOR A NEW USED CAR AND I GET TO CHOOSE AND I'M TERRIFIED OF MAKING A MISTAKE AND MOM AND DAD PUNISHING ME.  DEAD FOR 18 YEARS AND STILL TERRORIZING ME.

STOP!

THE GOODFATHER

AMERICA OWES MR ROGERS FOR WHAT SANITY EXISTS TODAY.  HE TAUGHT KIDS HOW A REAL MAN BEHAVES.  IF I HAD BEEN THE RIGHT AGE AND GROWN UP WITH HIS INFLUENCE I'D HAVE CHOSEN BETTER.  INSTEAD I MARRIED SOMEONE LIKE MY FAMILY, UGH.

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.  I CAN REDO MY CHILDHOOD AND UPGRADE THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.

I'M ALREADY DOING BETTER.  I EXERCISED, RETURNED DVDS TO CUPERTINO, BOUGHT HOT DOGS AT LUCKY'S, ATE LUNCH, WALGREEN'S, $ANTA,  RENEWED CHROME, AND I COULD BE DONE FOR THE DAY.

I BOUGHT A SELECTION OF CHIPS.  YUM.

HAPPY F-DAY TO ME.  I'M CHARGING MY CHROME. 

BEST FATHER'S DAY EVER.

I'M FEELING

A LITTLE OUT OF MYSELF.  I FORGOT TO WHEEL GERTA'S WALKER.  I WENT TO ST J AND HOME.

I ACTUALLY LOVE COMING HOME NOW.  I NEVER FELT THIS HOUSE WAS MY HOME.  I WAS NEVER MADE TO FEEL WELCOME.  I HAD TO EARN MY PLACE HERE.  I HAD TO DO ALL THE WORK WHILE MY SISTERS AND MOM LAZED AND MY DAD DID THE BIG JOBS UNTIL HE DECIDED BEING AN INVALID WAS EASIER.  SO I NEVER FELT AT EASE HERE. 

AND MOVING BACK WAS BETTER AND WORSE.  I WAS AN ADULT, STRONGER AND THEY WERE MORE CHILDLIKE AND SET TO REMAIN UNCHANGED.  MATURITY REQUIRES, DEMANDS CHANGE. 

LIFE REQUIRES CHANGE.   THE LACK OF CHANGE IS DEATH. 

BLAHHHH

I DON'T LIKE THE HEAT.  I'M FEELING BLAH, MEH, AUG.  SPELL CHECK CONSIDERS THEM REAL WORDS.

AND THAT'S HOW I FEEL. 

IT'S LOVELY AIR CONDITIONED.  AND I CAN CONTINUE EATING STRAWBERRIES.  I BOUGHT AND ATE TWO SFWY SANDWICHES FOR $12 AND I FELT GOOD.  I FELT I DESERVED THE BEST.  THE PROGRAMMED GUILT AND SHAME ARE LESSENING.  THE LESSONS.  NB HAS 1 lb FOR $.97.  YUM

MY APPOINTMENT WITH DR. PC TODAY AT 2. 

AND I'M SAD, TIRED AND OK.

I'M STILL HERE

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.  I'M WORKING AT KNOWING WHAT I WANT.  I DON'T KNOW.

I LIKE HAVING THE LIBRARY COME TO ME.  CODY TOOK CARE OF MY ACCOUNT.  I WANT TO ARRANGE FOR BEING PAMPERED. 

choices

AFTER PHYS-THERAPY I FINALLY WENT TO $ CAMPBELL.  DRIVING TO SRS I DETOURED TO CARLOS' AND ASKED FOR MORE OPTIONS.  THERE AREN'T AS MANY USED CARS. 

no corolla

NO ONE CALLED ME BACK.  I'LL SEE IF THERE' SOMETHING ELSE CARLOS RECOMMENDS.

I CALLED AGAIN.  THIS TIME TONY.  SAYS IT'S SOLD.  THEY HAD RAISED THE PRICE SO I DON'T KNOW.

MY LOWER BACK IS COMPLAINING.  I DID A LOT YESTERDAY.  DAILY WORD-RENEWAL.  AND I AM.  I FOUND TWO SILK BLOUSES AND TWO GIANT BLACK TEES.

I WENT TO EXERCISE AND PICKED UP MY FREE GINGER ALE.  I BOUGHT 3 lbs. OF STRAWBERRIES $4.99 AND PREPPED THEM/MONK FRUIT SWEETENER.

TODAY I'M RESTING.  I FIXED THE SWEATS I BOUGHT FOR $.49.  AND JUST TOOK MY TIME.

CITY

I STOPPED ON THE WAY HOME.  GOOD THING TOO. I KEPT CHECKING TO PAY THE CORRECTED BILL AND THERE WASN'T ONE.  ASHLEY HAD TO TALK TO HER BOSS TO GET IT UPDATED.  AND IT'S NOW CORRECTED AND PAID.  IF I HADN'T FOLLOWED UP I'D STILL OWE $455 INSTEAD OF $143.78. 

SO MUCH FOR AUTOMATIC UPDATES. 

taking care of business

I awoke at 5.  I SLEPT SO WELL.  I GOT 7 HOURS.  I REMEMBERED I NEEDED GAS.  YESTERDAY I GOT ADDITIVE AND I REMEMBERED TO ADD IT.  MY MPG IS BACK TO 24.  I WENT TO SRS AND TWO OF MY LADIES WENT GAMBLING SO I WASHED THE TABLES AND DID A SMALL PUZZLE.  INGA GOT ME EXTRA FISH AND RICE.

I CAME HOME TO REST PLANNING ON HARVESTING TYLOPHORA.  DID IT AT 6;30. 

I'M FEELING SUCCESSFUL.

GINNY

ST J LUNCH IS SCHEDULED THE 24th AND I'LL CHECK THE 10th TOO.

TODAY'S P-T WAS TOUGH.  I REALLY NEEDED TO SOAK AFTER LUNCH.  GOING TO ARQUES  EARLY IS GREAT.  I CAN TAKE AN HOUR TO SHOWER. 

I COULDN'T GET WINCHESTER TOPLAY

I'M FEELING BETTER

IT'S 10 o's COOLER AND I'M TAKING MY TIME.  I WALKED OVER TO MISSION @ 9.  I REMEMBERED I DIDN'T DEPOSIT FOR LIFE INSURANCE.   I REMEMBERED THEY OPEN AT 9 EXCEPT THURSDAYS.

I FORGOT THE CHARGER FOR THE CHROME.  I CHARGED MY PHONE. 

I'M WALKING MORE AND WILL BE MORE ACTIVE.

SYD

CALLED FOR ST J.  I'M TOO TIRED.  MY BACK IS CHANGING.

NEARSIGHTED-saturday,didn't publish

ALL THE READING BOOKS AND THE GLARE FROM THE LAPTOP SCREEN IS MAKING ME NEARSIGHTED.

WHAT WAS I DOING DURING MY DIVORCE OR WAS THAT STRESS?  BATES STATED STRESS AND STRAINING TO SEE MADE VISION WORSE.

SO TODAY I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO GO TO STAR ONE TODAY OR MISSION MONDAY.  IT TOOK ME UNTIL 8;30 TO DECIDE ON SRS.  I PONDERED SUNNYVALE BUT DECIDED TO USE COMPUTER TO LOOK UP CARDENAS MARKET.  IT CAN'T CONNECT ON THIS.  MAYBE NOT ENOUGH SIGNAL.  I checked on srs'.  Closest in oakland.

MY NEW BEHAVIOR IS TO DO EVERYTHING IN A RELAXED, TIMELY FASHION.  I GIVE MYSELF PLENTY OF TIME AND LOVE.

KNOWING WHAT I WANT

AFTER A LIFETIME OF BEING DENIED WHAT I WANT I GAVE UP WANTING.  AND NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT.  AND I'M AFRAID TO WANT.  WHISPERS OF HUMILIATION.

BIPOLAR?

TODAY I'M A WHOLE NEW PERSON.  LUNCH WAS GOOD.  LADIES GAVE ME THEIR LEFTOVERS.  I CALLED SV NISSAN RE TEST DRIVE, NO REPLY.  PEDRO OFF. 

AND I FEEL OK. 

DW-GRADUATION

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST  OF MY LIFE.

AFTER SR LUNCH I CONFRONTED CITY WITH ELECTRIC BILL, REREAD 1,45.  MY BILL TO BE ADJUSTED.  I CALLED AND VISITED CARLOS WITH CAR INFO.  TYGJ.

I FEEL BETTER,  I HATE CONFRONTATIONS.  FAMILY WAS HUMILIATION AND CONTEMPT.  A NEW DAY.

I'VE DECIDED TO CELEBRATE MY GRAD WITH THEM.  MY FAMILY NEVER EVEN ACKNOWLEDGED ME.  TOOK ME 6 1/2 YEARS ON MY OWN OF PUTTING UP WITH THE GARY SERGIANI JOKES.  I WAS JUST A JEALOUS JOKE TO THEM.

D*I*V*O*R*C*E-MEMORIAL DAY MONDAY

MY VISION IS BLURRY LIKE WHEN I GOT DIVORCED.  WHICH REMINDED ME OF MY SITUATION IN 1985.  SO MANY SIMILARITIES.  I LEFT MY LIFE BEHIND.  A KIND OF DEATH.  I'VE FELT LIKE I'M DYING.  I'M ENTERING A NEW LEVEL OF FREEDOM. 

WHEN I WENT TO LIVE ON MY OWN; NEW LIFE, JOB, APARTMENT, I WAS FINE.  I WILL BE AGAIN.  THE NEW, IMPROVED, UPGRADED VERSION OF ME.  I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE ME.