creating my perfect life

i'm staying in bed as long as i want.  no self criticism.  i woke and slept and feel ok.  i watched dvd and stretched 2 hours.  gave myself palpitations no caffeine and remedied with coffee fruit drink. 

i cooked tart plums with sugar for juice.  put in kombucha glass bottle

i didn't watch game shows.  i'm doing what i feel like doing when i feel like it.  betty white classic tv 1957-8 date with the angels.  americans were taught what to think, feel, want by big business.  all the 50's shows were basically propaganda to sell more stuff make more money.  greed became the american way at any cost.

i've got the creepy crawlies.  my nerves are coming alive.  remembered ramen noodles $tore.  allowing bags again.  walgreen's bought organic cigs using coupon's last day. 

9;52 car #6.  i walked around park dropping my wet hankie and had to go find it walking some more. at some point the center was open; blue 6 ft markings at front door. 

i started clearing the coat closet door.  over did it.  my back is messed up.  oh, well.

made soup and noodles.  like when i was bedridden and couldn't eat many things. 

so tired.

i'm unsure if it's physical, emotional or both.  i want to cry and can't.  my eyes are burning.  could be godzilla sahara dust storm.  meteorologists say it happens every year.  first i've heard of it. 

my arms are so sore and muscle bound.  must be from my back nerves, my shoulder blades are tight and sore.

i've tried so hard to be the best i can manage and i'm still sore and tired.  seems pointless.  where's the reward?  maybe watching jamie oliver cooking 15 minute meals.  i don't like cooking.  his extreme dyslexia gives me hope.  he found his niche and makes life easier for me.  stimulates my brain. 

9;52 senior lunch line car #5 took me only 8 minutes drive.  i put out garbage bin, watered porch plants.  washed and dried coffee cup for burger king double croissant breakfast meal $1 more.

i'm wearing stretch denim skirt i didn't remember buying.  lovely embroidered pockets and tarnished old zipper.  i had to wash and brush it.  the fabric was like new.  i'm sure i bought it used at thrift store.  it's amazing how much i have.  i'm amazed i set myself up so well for this pandemic.  given enough money i'd move to a space all my own.  smaller more efficient.  i have clothing to last the rest of my life.  clothes to remodel make over.  the house is a project to keep me busy the rest of my life.  finding what the sister haven't stolen. 

sitting watching life at the park and neighborhood keeps me in touch with the world.  keeps me grounded.   i'll go home and do what my body tells me.  i've spent my life doing what my mind told me was the right thing to do.  and here i am.  unhappy. 

bing crosby

suicide doesn't appear in his immediate life until his twin sons shot themselves 5 years apart. 

alcoholism is a component.   in my family on both sides.  physical abuse.  harry 'bing' crosby's behavior created and hoarded a vast fortune.  he only agreed to share his fortune after his children turned 65 which they didn't live that long. 

from blog

wouldn't open from all posts went through blog.

woke from over view tom's life nothing's changed.  i've been remembering his dad john.  i wonder if tom does.  what he learned from his dad was self defeat.  tom always feels sorry for himself and doesn't see he's a product of the examples he learned.  he doesn't accept where he is so he can't be himself.  he' trying to live  what was current 70 years ago.

dysfunction is using out of date learned behaviors.

decided i wanted to try ordering online panera took 45 minutes.  and 15 drive up, park, delivered, drive home.  no stopping pretty cool.

feel like smoking

in the middle of eating an apple.  go figure.

nothing good on tv 'til 9 green acres.  oh, well.

i didn't go for free water last night too tired.  washed my hair and cut my nails.  slept pretty good from stretching everything out.

oh my back.  i dressed considering panera vs. b king.  i wanted to go early before it got hot.  i thought maybe a salad and remembered i got all the veggies thursday.  i could make soup.  remembered i have ramen cups and patriot meals.  cut up carrots cabbage celery for stock.  ate cheerios /chocolate turmeric milk and two easy eggs.

while cooking i looked through jewelry and pocket scraps.  i'm good.  found second terry towel pool cover up i made.  put winter clothes away.  ate apples, clearance chips and cheese.. 

free water

went to safeway $5 sushi and free smart water.  sushi wasn't made at 9;16 so then i stood in one only line open for half hour for great clearance.  came seniors 9;53 9th in line.

ok. 

empathy?

I WOKE WITH VISCERAL FEAR THAT MELTED AWAY AS I BECAME CONSCIOUS LEADING ME TO QUESTION IF IT WAS MINE.  ALMOST EVERYTHING IN THERE BELONGED TO SOMEONE ELSE.  I'M BECOMING MORE SENSITIVE.  NICOTINE IS A BUFFER.  ANALGESIC.   AS I RELEASE NICOTINE I'M BOUND TO BECOME MORE SENSITIVE TO EVERYTHING AROUND ME.  MY BLOOD SUGAR IS PRETTY GOOD THIS MORNING.  MY UNDER ARMS ARE A GOOD GAUGE TO WHAT MY LEVELS ARE.  I'M SLOWLY CLEARING MY BODY AND SPACE.

BALANCE.

I'M CLEARING THE ENERGY.  IT'S WHAT I DO WHAT I'VE ALWAYS DONE.  EVERY PLACE I'VE EVER LIVED I'VE CLEARED CLEANED THE SPACE TO NEUTRALIZE THE ENERGY.

I JUST MADE THE BEST DRINK OF CHOCOLATE QUICK,  TURMERIC IN COCA COLA.

WILCOX FOOD GIVE AWAY 3 TYPES LETTUCE, CAULIFLOWER, CABBAGE, 2 ONIONS, 2 MILK, 2 PACKETS 1 POUND BABY CARROTS, CELERY STALKS, MINI CHEESE PIZZA.

tom offered used bed.  i have to remember only new.  all my life has been used hand me downs and me neutralizing energy.  i want to create.