quiet NO LOVE

6 AM I WOKE KNOWING I DIDN'T HAVE ANY RESPONSIBILITIES LIKE A 5 YEAR OLD.  I CAN PLAY WITH ALL MY TOYS ALL DAY.

11;30 IT'S COOL AND OVERCAST AND SUBLIMELY COMFORTABLE.  I'M HAVING A LOVELY MORNING. 

I TOASTED BREAD, MEAT, CHEESE AND HAD A BOWL OF CHEERIOS.  BRUSHED MY TEETH, HAIR AND FEEL I'M WAITING FOR SOMETHING GOOD.  MADE A POT OF HAZELNUT COFFEE.  TOOK ME 20 MINUTES TO FIND THE FILTERS AGAIN.  I MUST HAVE A RESISTANCE TO FILTERS.  MY LATEST SNACK IS MIXING DIPPING CORN CHIPS AND KETTLE BBQ POTATO CHIPS.

I HAVE MY TV SHOWS WHEN I WANT TO BE SCARED OR LAUGH.  I CAN LIVE WITHOUT PEOPLE AS LONG AS I HAVE TV.  MOST PEOPLE HAVE FAMILIES TO HELP THEM THROUGH LIFE.  I WAS ALWAYS THE HELPER NEVER GETTING HELP FROM MY SISTERS SO I DON'T MISS THEM.  I CAN HELP WHO I WANT NOW.  AND THEY ALWAYS RIDICULED ME FOR HELPING OTHER PEOPLE. 

DOING WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT FEELS SO WEIRD.  I'M MISSING NICOTINE.

THEY DIDN'T LOVE ME BECAUSE THEY DON'T LOVE.  THEY WERE ADDICTED.  CODEPENDENTS. 

heavenly

HEAVEN IS FREEDOM TO BE AND EXPRESS OPENLY AND HONESTLY. 

I WOKE WITH 'RUN TO ME COME TO ME'.

dream team

when the page is open disconnect erases it.

I WOKE TO MY ANGEL TEAM WRAPPING UP ERIC/CAR HEALING AND DISCUSSING AILEEN.  I CAN FREE MYSELF FROM ANY AND EVERY CONCERN OF MY SISTERS.  IT'S HANDLED.

LETTING GO IS HARD WHEN I'VE BEEN BLAMED MY WHOLE LIFE.  SO MUCH OF MY SURVIVAL IS BASED ON KEEPING THINGS RUNNING.  CONSTANTLY RUNNING.  FAMILY MADE ME RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING.  ESPECIALLY MOM.  WATCHING 'I REMEMBER MAMA' IS SO ALIEN.  A MOTHER WHO WANTS THE BEST SHE CAN PROVIDE FOR HER KIDS AND WANTING THEIR HAPPINESS.  I THINK THAT'S WHERE MY GENERAL CONFUSION COMES FROM.  THE WORLD DEFINITION AND MY ACTUAL EXPERIENCE.

I WATCHED MY GAME SHOWS AND JAMIE NOT TOO INTERESTING.  GOOD REST.  LAST NIGHT WATCHING MY CHANNEL 5 COMEDIES I GOT BORED AND CUT OFF 4 INCHES OF HAIR. 

9;53 SENIORS LUNCH LINE.  I LOADED THE LAUNDRY 9 A M AND DIDN'T WANT TO RUSH SO I WENT TO TARGET AND WALKED THE STORE.  MY HIPS ARE SO SORE IN NEW AREAS.  GOOD WARM UP.  EYELET AND DENIM BIG.  I'M FASHIONABLE AGAIN.

I'M STILL GETTING USED TO DOING CHORES IN STAGES.  THE FAMILY PROGRAM OF CONSTANTLY PUSHING ME TO DO FOR THEM IS DEEPLY INGRAINED.  I'M OK.  NOT TOO MUCH STRESS.  STILL UNCOMFORTABLE.

3 PHONE CALLS ARE STRESSING ME OUT.  MY UNREASONABLE FEAR OF FAMILY CALLING WITH SOME NEW DISASTER.  2 CAREMORE, 1 NO ID.  AND I DON'T WANT TO TURN IT OFF. 

listening

I'M REPLACING MY FAMILY WITH THE SECRET VOCAL RECORDING.  I CAN TOLERATE LISTENING.  I HAD SO MUCH RESISTANCE TO ANYTHING BEFORE. 

I REMEMBERED TO ASK CARLOS ALL THE CAR QUESTIONS I HAD.  I FEEL GOOD AND PROUD OF MYSELF.  HERE'S SOMETHING BRAND NEW.   FEELING GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

I'LL JUST SIT WITH THIS AWHILE.

I GOT ALMOST EVERYTHING AT MARIA SAFEWAY THEN THOUGHT OF WALMART GUM AND JETTED THERE.  10; AM SENIOR LUNCH LINE.  I'D RATHER BE EARLY THAN LATE.  SCU SAFEWAY I FOUND DONUTS AND CLEARANCE SEAFOOD SALADS FOR DINNER.  HURRAH. 

I DROPPED OFF FRENCH BREAD TO TOKI PETER /MERRICK WAS WALKING HIS CUTE DACHSHUND.  TV WENT FUZZY I GOT UP.  TOKI CALLED TO THANK ME AND SAID HIS NAME IS MERRICK.  HE AND HIS WIFE.CZECHOSLOVAKIAN.  HE CLEANS HER RAIN GUTTERS. 

LIKE GOD PREPARED ME.  DIVINE ORDER.

stunned

I'M ADJUSTING CONSTANTLY.  I'M CONSIDERING LEFT OVER LUNCHES.  AND IT WAS SO NICE CONNECTING WITH MY CREW.  PEOPLE WHO SHOW ME SOME RESPECT.  NOT SINCE HIGH SCHOOL HAVE I GOTTEN THIS CLOSE TO ANYONE.

TOM WAS WEIRD IN THAT HE NEVER WANTED TO KNOW ME.  WHEN I TRIED TO TALK WITH HIM HE'D PHYSICALLY RECOIL.  HE'D PULL AWAY AND SHUT DOWN.  HE'D TELL ME ABOUT WATCHING DELLA DRESSING WHEN SHE WAS 30 AND HE WAS 10.  OR HOW MANY TIMES HIS HORSE WAS SOLD.  OR HIS BROTHER TONY HITTING HIM IN THE CHEST WITH THE SHOVEL BLADE.  BUT MY LIFE, FEELINGS, EXPERIENCES WERE TABOO.

OMG

I'M FEELING THE LOSS OF ERIC AND MY DREAM OF A KARAOKE CHURCH DYING WITHOUT THE BUFFER OF NICOTINE. 

IT HURTS SO MUCH I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP.  I SURRENDER.  I MUST FIND MY NEXT DREAM. 

I WENT TO CARLOS' WITH LENTILS, ALMONDS, SANITIZER.  HE TESTED THE CAR COULDN'T FIGURE WHY IT DIDN'T PASS AND TOOK MY CAR TO BE SMOGGED.  HE SAID 10 MINUTES.  AFTER AN HOUR I GOT WORRIED.  I LEFT MY PHONE IN THE CAR.  I WENT NEXT DOOR AND THEY WERE KIND ENOUGH TO CALL HIM.  HE SAID 2 MINUTES AND SHOWED UP WITH CERTIFICATE.  THE OXYGEN SENSOR IS GOOD.  THE COMPUTER JUST NEEDED TO BE RESET BY DRIVING 40 MILES TO RE CALIBRATE SETTINGS.

I GOT IN LINE 11;20 AND MISTAKENLY THOUGHT I ORDERED BOCA BURGER,  I WAITED, WALKING ROUND BLOCK 'TIL 12;15 TALKING TO TOKI, ART, SYDNEY, WALTER.  I GOT LUNCH AND DINNER.  I ATE, WATCHED TV, SIESTA 2-5.  I WAS BURNED.  I'M STILL FEELING TIRED AFTER A QUART OF WATER.  90 o.

6 hours

OF DEEP SLEEP.  I AM BESIDE MYSELF.  NOT QUITE IN MY BODY.  I FEEL RESTLESS.  MY BODY IS TINGLING.  MY HIP SCREAMING.  MY STOMACH CHURNING.   DID COBRA STRETCH NEVER BEFORE FELT IT IN LOWER BACK.

MEMORIAL DAY MONDAY.  TANK STILL PARKED OUT FRONT.  I PUT BINS OUT ANYWAY I CAN.

I'M ALL DRESSED AND RESTING IN PLACE.  SEEMED IMPORTANT TO BE READY. 

I'M WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO DO.  I HAVE A POCKET I CAN ADD AND AN EMPIRE DRESS TO MAKE OVER.  NOTHING ON TV.  CHANNEL 5 WON'T COME IN.  IT DOESN'T WHEN IT'S THIS 90 o HOT.  I MADE NOODLES.  NUKED THE TAYLOR FARM VEG'S.  SAUCE IS TOO SPICY HOT.  NOT JUST GINGER SOY A LOT OF CHILI.  I ADDED CAN OF CHILI, PLAIN PEANUTS.  DELICIOUS.

3;30 PM I JUST FINISHED A GOOD CRY.  I'VE BEEN FEELING ACUTE EMOTIONAL DISCOMFORT ALL DAY.  I WAS FEELING GUILTY THAT I DIDN'T DO ENOUGH FOR ERIC.  AND I TRANSFERRED THAT FEELING OF LACK TO CARLOS.  I CAN TAKE CARLOS LENTILS I CAN'T MAKE HIM EAT THEM.  SAME WITH ALMONDS.  CARLOS ISN'T ERIC.

I LOVED ERIC LIKE A BROTHER.  I DID EVERYTHING I COULD MANAGE WITHIN MY LIMITATIONS.  I CAN'T WATCH ONE MORE PERSON DIE SUFFERING.

4;30 I FEEL LIKE A DEFLATED BALLOON.  MY ANXIETY AND TENSION ARE GONE.

I NEED HEALTHY, HAPPY FRIENDS AND FAMILY.