new behavior

i'm watching all medium past due.  2 more discs.  i watch the scary parts with the sound off.  low stress.

stress is necessary to life.  i choose my stress.

i forgot classical 'til halfway through.  i trust.  watched the end.  i watch for what i learn.   my shoulder blades especially the right screaming at me.

i missed first 5 minutes of jamie getting dressed.  food necessary for living.  i don't like cooking so i watch for the quickest easiest techniques.  i want my life delicious.

i can smell fried baking bread.  someone cooking breakfast.  making me hungry even though i ate my cheerios and fruit cocktail. 

seniors car #2 i put the chopped meat and rice in the flour tortillas i bought last friday.  yummy. 

my skull is hurting where i had the stroke.  i'm watching medium special features.  slept a couple hours watching igor then green acres. 

i'm celebrating ramen that kept me alive when i couldn't digest anything else.  i couldn't even tolerate the flavor packet.  i added senior salad and a can of tuna and green olives.  so good.

didn't lose content

i forgot to close page and the signal must have stayed connected.

i slept pretty well.  woke at 5 my current set point.  i took my supplements to keep me supple ate my cheerios and seniors fruit cocktail i forgot to eat yesterday. while watching Essentrics.  Sahra is beautifully lean.  now i know why mom, alien, nit hated me.  their hatred is left over habituated behavior.  i stretched all the time because of arthritis.

just from watching my body follows along.  relaxing is the secret key to improvement.   a tense body can't change.  locked muscles can't change.  all the exercise in the world won't improve or strengthen bound muscles.  like vision.  eyes see best when relaxed refreshed.

yesterday my temperature was checked before my appointment and i was 95 Fahrenheit sweating sitting in the car pulling myself together.  i feel they're protecting me.  she was concerned.  and now i know the benefit of sweating.

oh my shoulders are complaining.  yesterday county dvd due i'm not going today.  i'm resting.  laundry can wait recycle too.

9;56 car #6 seniors i reorganized trunk a little.  it's pretty much untouched since march.  i've been confused nothing seems real.  more like a horrible dream the world is dreaming.  so many places people have it so much worse.  what are the rich waiting for?  the philippines on the news running out of food and africa no clean water. 

i'm praying for all.  if we can't pay pray.

i miss soaking my cares away in the hot tub.

the jets were the perfect massage.

i want someone who wants me.  who helps me.  my life has had few people whose 'help' didn't cause more problems.  like dr ali resurfacing and weakening my teeth because she wanted the money.  maybe none of them wanted to help but wanted money. 

so much stress around the subject.  when are they going to clone teeth for replacements.  more money than metal implants.  more maintenance.  healthier natural solution.  oh, well.  maybe 20 years.  my ideas take time for the world to catch up.

i went dollar store for ramen and mouthwash, found socks and wire brush to clean door mat, chips.  got to advanced dental care 9 and took 2 passion 2 kava.  by 9;30 i was calmer.  i left car key in door and couldn't find it.  i had to re fill out papers they didn't get. miss alex was very nice.  dr alex mendoza was great.  he was gentle and explained everything.  re glued crown.  it was 37 years old.  he said it had a hole in it allowing saliva to dissolve cement.  good thing it fell off before it rotted underneath.  after authorization tooth gets prepare for new temporary and then permanent.  very good.

 it just occurred to me neither of my sisters cried or showed the least emotion when mom died.

in playing quizzes came across wendigo an american indian word found in many tribes and languages denoting an overwhelming all consuming greed or the capitalist economy sacrificing everything to the god of consumption=tuberculosis.

suicide-dental

many reasons for purposeful ending of pain.  so many forms types of pain; despair, injury whether physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, depression, suppression...

pain is blockage.  a disruption of the flow of energy.  the damming of a river or stream forcing an overflow, flood.  trying to wipe everything away.  tilt, reset, wipe out.

there are so many creative young people killing themselves accidentally and purposefully.  burdened buckling under the weight of the world, by their own and other people's expectations.

saturday i was pumped full of adrenaline.  all the pain disappointment despair of last 19 years surrounding dental leaving my body.  doesn't help alien is dental hygienist.

8 am i called liberty insurance for new dentist nisha gave me 3 but north has bad reputation from seniors so only 2 i checked online.  today i took 1 passion 1 kava 2 turmeric and managed to mail pch entry, buy gum at walmart, pay citibank, drive through advanced-dental-care sili-val location scott and harrison, pick up lunch.

9;46 #4 car i called adc sv.  alex reception was pleasant and helpful.  i called liberty insurance to change provider and linda said i hadn't paid since december 2018 said to call care more.  care more checked  said i was paid up.  i called back liberty ashley said everything current and changed office for me.  appointment tomorrow 9;30 dr. alex mendoza.  alex e-mailed paperwork to fill online.  page 3 got stuck i called her she said just go back to previous page of 7 total.  i hope it's complete.

i decided not to mess with garbage recycle bins.  pampering myself.  i ate lunch and put papers back.  the rest of the day 2 pm is pink panther and more pink panther on channel 36.5. 

doing what i want

4;30 i'm so freaked out by my tooth.  i slept maybe 2 hours.  teeth represent survival sustenance.  feeding oneself.  i'm watching 'the year dolly parton was my mom'.  when i saw it maybe 10 years ago i rediscovered 'love is like a butterfly' the theme song to a britcom i watched religiously maybe 1976-7 when i was 'happily' married.   the tv show delved into the life of a housewife with two teenage sons and a husband settled into domestic boredom.  the theme song i loved was covered by not dolly parton so i was stunned finding all the music from this movie were songs dolly wrote.

i'm still finding myself and the movie is about the journey of self discovery.

looked on wiki by geoffrey palmer the brit com was 'butterflies'1974 original airing.

6;15 am i thought i wanted to go to lucky's to redeem 4 offers and i changed my mind.  i'm tired and need to pamper myself.  i'm more flexible.

6;30 watching classical stretch i fell asleep and dreamed i gave and received  a big hug from eric on a beautiful beach.  i guess i had to feel exhausted to allow myself this blessing.  so worth the exhaustion.  along with missing eric i miss the not knowing before june 13 2017.  the world has tanked.  i knew truth would cause measured chaos.

i'm so tired i feel sick.  tired of depth of racism cruelty greed.  my own family biologically painful.

back on the spiral.  i keep forgetting.  i'm remembering faster.  i freaked myself out wondering if the tooth cement was poisoning me.  oh me, oh my, oh mother.

4 pm i'm finally hungry.  ate ramen and carrots.  i read dec-jan blogs.  i feel better about my life.  this is all old feelings stored in my body during unsafe times.

happy healthy

missed the beginning of split second changing clock battery.  watched 2 episodes.  hurrah!!  i like the speed of the game.  and the diversity of topics.  and monty hall.

i ate my cheerios and took my supplements.  ready for next week. 

omg!!  'the bad seed' 1956 movie channel 2.3.  alien claimed she was the bad seed.  made me laugh..  like 2001 when she claimed to be the devil.

watching 'medium' dvd season 6 2009 has virus problem every one in masks just like now.

my dr. john woo crown came off while eating my crunchy fish.  probably chewing gum didn't help.  i called emergency liberty dental number answering service no advice call back monday 5-5 p s t.  oh, well.  i wish i had drugs. 

despair

i'm reliving my childhood.  getting it all out.  feeling trapped hopeless.  some may be from atom bomb.

dad always became depressed august i thought because of heat of summer working as carpenter now i think ww2 atomic bomb drop.  mom always yelled at me for being too sensitive.  i was always apologizing for being me.  she wouldn't yell at dad for that.  too many other things.

watching stretch it occurs to me sahra teaches because her mom does.  she has no desire like miranda.  doing restricted movements still gets the circulation going.  my hips always feel better looser.  she does 2-4 movements so it's simple and easy and encouraging.  and she always reminds to relax through stretches.  get rid of tension.