i'm feeling such excitement. i've never been this free unencumbered. i never got presents. i got socks underwear and always new toothbrush and nightie for new year's i couldn't use 'til then. i'd watch my sisters unwrap their gifts of new clothes toys in addition to their yearly required sensible things wrapped as presents. that's when i went numb. it hurt too much. at 8 i thought i was cinderella. i couldn't be part of this family. dressed in hand me downs i was the outcast, the servant, scapegoat blamed for every family misfortune and misery constantly striving to do better be better. no wonder i feel so exhausted. it's a miracle i didn't end up crazy. maybe i did and don't know it. on the one hand powerful and impotent on the other.
3:30 cooked cauliflower finished senior mash with chick watching doc martin marathon. eric death left me devastated. i stopped everything barely surviving.
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