COLORFUL=SUICIDE

ANIME OF SUICIDE, REDEMPTION, A NEW BEGINNING.

MOM TOLD ME DAD'S DAD HUNG HIMSELF IN HIS FRONT YARD THE FIRST YEAR MOM AND DAD WERE MARRIED AND LIVING WITH HIS PARENTS TO SAVE FOR A DOWN PAYMENT ON A HOUSE OF THEIR OWN.  SHE LIED.  THEY GOT MARRIED WHEN SHE WAS 21 SO THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN 1942.  SHE SAID SHE FOUND HIM HANGING IN THE FRONT YARD WHEN SHE RETURNED FROM WORK.

1949 GRANDPA T HAD BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER AND NO MONEY FOR TREATMENT IF THERE HAD BEEN ANY CURE BACK THEN.  THE DEATH CERTIFICATE SAYS ASPHYXIATION.

2003 I HAD SEEN DAD THROUGH PROSTATE CANCER, COLON CANCER AND HAD HOPES OF MOVING OUT AND RESUMING MY LIFE.  EVERY YEAR WAS A DIFFERENT HEALTH CRISIS.  MOM WAS VERY DEPRESSED WITH DAD YELLING AT HER ALL THE TIME.  I EXPLAINED TO HIM HOW HIS BEHAVIOR TRIGGERED TOXIC CHEMICALS IN HIS BODY THAT DEVELOPED CANCER.  I SEE IT ALL THE TIME AT SENIORS.

I TOOK MOM SHOPPING TO 3 GROCERY STORES.  SHE WALKED AROUND WITH A CART AND BOUGHT NOTHING.  DRIVING HOME SHE TOLD ME OF GRANDPA'S SUICIDE.  I HAD TO PULL THE CAR OVER.

AT HOME I CALLED MY SISTERS TO GIVE HER A VACATION FROM DAD BUT THEY WERE TOO BUSY.  A FEW DAYS LATER I CAME HOME FROM WORK AND WHILE RETURNING PHONE CALLS, DAD POPPED HIS HEAD IN THE DOOR ASKING IF I WANTED TO GO TO DENNY'S FOR DINNER.  I SAID ASK MOM AND THAT'S WHEN HE SAID SHE WASN'T HOME, SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL.  I ASKED WHAT HAPPENED "THAT STUPID WOMAN TOOK SLEEPING PILLS."  HE ASKED AGAIN ABOUT DINNER I SAID I WAS GOING TO KAISER TO SEE HER.  HE SAID THE AMBULANCE TOOK HER TO VALLEY MED.  THE AMBULANCE WHEN WE LIVE 10 FROM KAISER.  I ASKED WHEN MY SISTERS WERE GETTING THERE HE ASKED IF THEY SHOULD BE TOLD.  SO INSANE.

I TOLD HIM ONE OF US WAS CALLING THEM.  HE VOLUNTEERED SO I WENT TO VALLEY MED WHERE THEY PUMPED HER STOMACH AND HAD HER UNDER OBSERVATION.  SHE SPENT THE WEEK IN A PSYCHIATRIC FACILITY IN REDWOOD CITY ON ALAMEDA DE LAS PULGAS..  I WENT TO SEE HER EVERYDAY.

WHEN I WAS 16 I THOUGHT ABOUT SUICIDE BECAUSE OF THE BULLYING AT HOME.  WHEN I WAS NINE I PRACTICED TYING HANGMAN'S NOOSE FROM DIAGRAMS IN THE ENCYCLOPEDIA. I EVEN RESEARCHED DIFFERENT METHODS, UNCONSCIOUS OF THE FAMILY HISTORY.  I WOULDN'T HAVE FELT SUCH A WEIRD OUTSIDER IF I'D KNOWN THE TRUTH ABOUT MY FAMILY'  I WASN'T THE WEIRD ONE.