feeling rich

i have $30 left on card.  $125 will load new year.  i still want to look walmart.  went 8 am thinking the pharmacy opens 9 not 10.  finally 9:30 i tried service desk to buy 3 biotin and worked.  i walked everywhere.  stopped walked homestead safeway.  steady rain went gym swam.  just like hawaiian winter 60 degrees.  parked in back so busy.  hungry went b king whopper jr and fries.  christmas chocolate candy dessert.  delicious.  finally remembered to cook chops.  added potatoes celery carrots.  senior center carrots are terrible tortured.  actually delicious cooked like pot roast.   

1:30 slept almost 3 hours exhausted and sugar coma.  and i'm very pleased with my day.

7 am cost co gas 10 min and way cheaper

then free ginger tonic lucky's 4 sanitizers .49 rang up $2.  shelf tag numbers matched 3 boxes i took tag to front tag price and exercise gym.  an hour early i went laundry dry and match socks.  lunch good company long table again.  no mention not savings seats flyers gone.  gave sanitizers inge gerda art marik kept carabiners.  weird chicken lunch.  no where to go libraries closed but safeway sushi free water.   

i can't believe how much i've been doing

my back is terribly painful and i'm doing so much.  nerves are all coming alive.  gym, seniors joanie gave me boots.  she had the nerve to ask about all the free stuff.  i give away what doesn't belong to me.  each round table had flyer saying forbidden to save seating.  we added 2 places.

went cost co noon and 4 pm after sunny too crowded.  i've driven 200+ 3 weeks.  3 free meals library extra one delicious 2 weird.  

watching doc martin in reverse

so much better in reverse.  starting with season 9 going backward watching the special features is more relaxing.  like visiting pleasant family.  no uncomfortable surprises.  

free safeway drink motivation to get moving.  swam back hurting new spots.  college no drinks changed to homestead and found halloween green peep frank n stein 37 cents and cute skeleton head 2 dollar.  stopped sprouts to sunny library 99 cent creamer, rocks $4.50.  

puzzled tried to order otc vitamins half hour.  home dinner then called waited on hold hour persia 7 minutes filled due 12/31.  $32 left.  maybe in store i have 3 days still. 

steady rain all night

very noisy.  i relaxed went gym 8:30 taking my time still raining.  surprising full parking.  i swam went to dollar tree for multi completely out.  none.  seniors i got extra veg chili i gave to homeless 'eric' sitting front door.  added corn bread square to dinner.  cooked more potato carrot celery added last of chicken.  toasted last garlic bread for dessert so good.  life except for my body deteriorating is good.

better today 24 hour bed rest

i stayed in bed nothing on tv.  unlike 2001 i feel ok and have cooked food.  i stopped everything when eric died.  he was me i could observe and pray for a better life.  when he died my hope for a heaven on earth was set back.  evaporated.  eric died his father's death.   

b'fast was cooked veg chick garlic toast.  lunch i added lemon cake.  feeling guilty.  like life is too good.  i got used to giving away the best from mom always taking everything i loved to give to my sisters or to throw away.  why i don't know.  i made myself crazy trying to think insanely.  ouch.  and they threw me away too.  took 3 pieces of lemon cake to unlock that nugget.  make that particular truth palatable.

awake 12 happy b'day jesus

i'm feeling such excitement.   i've never been this free unencumbered.  i never got presents.  i got socks underwear and always new toothbrush and nightie for new year's i couldn't use 'til then.  i'd watch my sisters unwrap their gifts of new clothes toys in addition to their yearly required sensible things wrapped as presents.  that's when i went numb.  it hurt too much.  at 8 i thought i was cinderella.  i couldn't be part of this family.  dressed in hand me downs i was the outcast, the servant, scapegoat blamed for every family misfortune and misery constantly striving to do better be better.  no wonder i feel so exhausted.  it's a miracle i didn't end up crazy.  maybe i did and don't know it.    on the one hand powerful and impotent on the other.  

3:30 cooked cauliflower finished senior mash with chick watching doc martin marathon.  eric death left me devastated.  i stopped everything barely surviving.