chemicals

taming has a recipe for change.  i started following the recipe and i'm feeling so many emotions (chemicals) i don't know.  like a maelstrom of emotions.  i have to stay with the feelings and process.  simple not easy.  

watching cesar 911 i realized covid is all about community.  there is no them only us.  we all pull together or go down by an unseen common microbe.  virus have been part of life since there was life.  we have an opportunity to be real.  not a world of appearances or posturing.  microscopic reality.  because it mutates everyone must be protected or possible reinfection.

i went to safe way for chocolates yum and yams but couldn't find just 4 me yams bought sale dates to honor army.

i did my walk 2 pm from front main watching out for flock of geese poo.  stretched feels so good.  cooling off from bright sunny day to lovely overcast.  i wore 2 masks more comfortable than 1.

i looked all over care for february daily word.  it's the same booklet.  1-2, 3-4, 5-6, etc...talk about distracted.

i have spilled so much food on my clothes.  not paying attention to eating while i read and watch tv.  

weirdest thing loaded onto chrome without me.  interview linda ronstadt brain palsy.

scary

i'm watching 'running with scissors' again.  i watched it years ago not realizing the story based on life.  an entertaining group of eccentrics.  it's amazing that only now i realize how truly 'normal' their family is.  i never noticed the father is alcoholic.  my dad drank before coming home.  normal.  if they are mentally ill 60 % maybe more of america is mentally ill.  and the rest of the world that allows social ills.

i've changed and i can continue to embrace reality.  the story of redemption can be everyone's.  getting back to owning oneself.  family=another form of slavery.  emotional chains and prisons.  family designed to be a launching platform.  i was programmed to fail so my sisters would succeed.

i re program myself to own my own life.

it's so cold the phone wouldn't automatically turn on.  i plugged in charger and it turned on.  

i called s c it yesterday and i have home internet again. tygj s c i t.  and it's gone after an hour.. 

bedroom c d g quit.  time for something different.  

today is healing.  well, self care.  i'm focused on me.  hard to remember i'm so conditioned otherwise.  i'm installing instilling new programs.  i never knew what i wanted to be.  i want to be happy.  an inside job.  only i can do it.  whatever else i do in this world i want to be happy doing it.

taming:  1 minute what do i want.  20 minute total distraction allowing subconscious solution.  1 minute what 1 step do i take before bedtime.  success creates more success.  brain paves more myelin highways. 

5 am self sabotage. stress free balance.

i suddenly awoke confronted by the realization my ex marriage and all the other self sabotaging leading to the wrong account number.  the family tradition of alcoholism and suicide just different forms of self sabotage.  the conflict of suicide vs self sacrifice.  

taming has step by step success strategy 100%.  like eating an elephant one bite at a time.

i called soc sec again this time leaving message and talking to saul regarding how to leave voice mail.  at the end of long pause more options one press 79 to leave message.  so maybe she never got the other messages.  he took all the info and was contacting special agent coralis.  i keep wanting to call her corvalis for some reason.  hey, i'm complicated.  no i'm not.

mary of yelling was just outside my car.  i arrived 10;30 seniors stretched immediately before others use park.  yesterday i saw gardener chopped down beautiful shepherds purse.  disappointing.  oh, well.

taming anxiety 8 am

simple not easy.  i've been doing it hit and miss all my life.  most of us do.  learning is my favorite thing because of the rewards,  the more i learn the safer more control i have over myself.  'with all thy getting get thee understanding'.  and the chemical factory is explained how it functions and why.  easier to remember.

i'm still lucid dreaming.  my chemical memories are releasing from my back.  i release and let go.

i wrote auntie since she doesn't remember the card and stickers.  she wanted to know how i am i wrote what i'm doing.  since the x rays i'm a little sad it's taken this long for anyone to believe me.  given my family history of depression it's familiar and still feels lousy.

i wonder if the shattered spine and neck compression is energy related to dad 's dad hanging himself?  dad died of his self fractured vertebra.  auntie t had work back injury.  they say genetics but there's a behavioral component too.  more food for thought. 

i'm waiting for mrs coralis' return soc sec call.  if she doesn't call i'll try again this afternoon.  i have a plan.  i answered a call from resort he very nicely hung up when i explained.  

picked up lunch #8 at 10;50.  straight to main break in rain just long enough to stretch on 3 better bars .2 behind main by duck lake.  i explored.  i've never been this side.  and rain is back.

wow, i'm feeling abandoned by those who have died.  lunch pretty good.  mushroom chicken quarter and apple slaw ok.  i'll sit with feeling for awhile.

battle of providers going x-fin and csc-public.  i have to keep resetting.  good i'm good with adversity.

lucid dreaming

everything stored in my back is releasing.  so the fall i took 1972 is my body's method of processing past life energy.  my theory of energy passing from life to life.  the infinitesimal energy signal that defines us but doesn't limit us.  i want off the karmic wheel and grace is providing the way.  i dreamed of fluffy white kitten blue eyes.  i love her so much.  me.

i'm sitting at mission the only place i could get a signal.  i headed to main and spirit detoured me to college safe way.  clearance corn bread.  i ate hamburger for breakfast.  i can make dinner chili, squash, corn, beans extra protein.  rebuilding blocks.  

picked up lunch returned mission signal spotty.  came main.  had to reconfigure settings for csc-public.  i don't know sv power fading.  lovely raining.  time to recharge at home.

checking on soc sec i gave them wrong number.  called cu and carla told me one number checking saving.  i didn't understand until teller in cup explained one number for both.  same same.  oh silly me, screwed up.

while in cup i dropped off 4 and picked up holds.

called soc sec mrs coralis my case worker i left voice mail.  

i'm no longer addicted to tv now i'm addicted to computer games.

i checked out good will.

got the imperative.  found $3 pearl bracelet i didn't need and royal & lang nickel set of drawing pencils in a case i can use $1.49.  i was looking for a bar to stretch from.  maybe i already have one.  has to be a certain size to fit my hands.

wow, city must pay well jennifer manager senior center drove up in lexus.  she's doing alright.  makes me wonder if she's renting out the place.  sitting on monroe in shade, clouding over noon.  eating lunch fatty chicken cooked in microwave crispy the way i like it.  

charged chrome went to schs.  i found another abandoned yoga mat in the deserted parking lot.  might be up to 4.  i haven't bought any.  never in the budget.  

looked up lang nickel, eh.  went home charged chrome on to schs poor reception on to main.  computed home by 6.  and i can charge chrome and return to compute.

wof-shopping for food

t-your vacation coverage

longevity paradox

i don't know why they say paradox.  must like the way it sounds.  seems reasonable to me that eating traditionally is healthier.  everything in moderation.  we have access to so much now and most feel obliged to over do our patriotic duty.

i woke at 6 exactly my stomach and back hurting.  i went out to compute got home 9;30 pm from schs.

i'm organizing my pantry.  i have so many treasures.  

couldn't get consistent internet reception walked and stretched.  oh my right neck so tight and sore i can't feel anything else.  

oh!  just like after i fell in '72 i had migraines from too tight neck trapezius.  

47 o cold snow on back mountain ranges.  so crisp and clear no pollution.  and it was icy cold 1972 too.  waterbed no heater on floor above open cellar.  freezing.  well, no inflammation.  the only relief 3 boiling hot baths per day between full time school and 25 hours working at macy's.  and x became helpless child.  i had to do everything for 2.  nausea, all the symptoms back.  

lentil stew.  vegetarian day.  cheese.  i need meat.  a little.  my digestion doesn't feel right without meat.  not a lot.  like priming the pump.  i like meat.  my stomach is already complaining.

remembered nob hill.  i was feeling tired, feverish, not quite right.  bought beef, lettuce, 3 cheese, pound of asparagus.  i cooked asparagus sesame oil seeds garlic.  so good.  i peeled stems ate it all.  with 4 slices of my new favorite muenster.  i tried the rice quinoa cereal.  the rice doesn't cook.  i'm cooking it as rice not cereal.  and it boiled over in micro.  glad i put in 2 glass liners easy to clean.  i know how i am.  it worked.

i'm cooking veg rice.  i bought clearance jack fruit.  instructions on can.  i read about it online.  i love trying new things whether it works or not.  

wof-a blooming orchid