monsters

april 2007 pat vorreitor ex mayor sunnyvale arranged closing mom's estate.  alien finally hired personal r/t estate lawyer.  she and mt were still harping on evicting me illegally in california.  since alien refused a financial accounting i suggested settling house vs. cash over 600 k and alien and mt agreed.  so mt the embezzler owns half the house which mom wanted her to have while alien and i split cash but mom never specified so oh well.

watch monday 7 pm pbs 9.2 miranda comedy i looked up seems like another vicar of dibley.  islands of wonder i'm attempting request main.  only took 10 minutes to go through.

seniors 9;43 car#  .  i'm feeling frustrated.  emails can only access one account at a time.  exalted has over 1500.  it will take me some time and a lot of tranquilizers to straighten out face book. 

art walked by and i didn't say anything.  he's not my flock.  i don't have to talk to anyone who doesn't respect me.  wow....  do i want to give him puzzle books sure why not.

2 pm home from dr peter chung.  when i think how anxious i used to feel it's night and day.  i asked about counseling, he doesn't know,  everything referred to member services.  doesn't seem to have eye results.  oh well.

i'm cleaning my emails seems like forever.

debate

i watched the debate.  i even forgot my game shows.  trump was true to form pouting, bullying, interrupting biden and moderator chris wallace.  it was a cobra and mongoose.  i got to see how an adult handles a spoiled child.  reminded me of me and alien.  i'd call her on her lies like biden called out trump.  i've never seen anyone else do it before.

productive day.  picked up lunch, main library drop off pick up, thought about america tire pressore check but on to cupertino library drop off parked in best shady spot ate lunch 84 o.  something didn't agree with me used restroom target looked for portable cd player but battery only so no, back to library pick up.  at stevens creek intersection decided pressure check done home 2;30.

whew.

town hall phone

i'm listening for covid info.  and i'm ready to get mental health. 

i'm feeling ashamed of my animal family.  they look and have the ability to act human but they're not.  more animal than human.  and i'm ashamed.

knowing other people have problems helps.  feels more doable.  possible to surmount.  reading 'emotional resilience' helps.

still sore painful

pain is exhausting.  belly sore to touch.  peristalsis better.  choked down cheerios.

oh, to be pain free too.  watered porch plants.

new tv season no jamie i can do laundry maybe with 2 back braces.   new behaviors new results.  my tailbone throbbing.

ok 3 braces.  went to 3 laundry mats.  prices up.  ended at lucky on scott. 3 loads $3.50 worth it very clean.  i used coin changer despite i don't trust them, washed paper napkin held together lovely cool. 

i called dr chung made appointment wed 1;30.  for stomach and back.

10:12 seniors car #4.  hot sweaty 76 o.  i'm hungry feed me.  i want to get beef and swiss cheese.  i have potatoes, carrots and onions.  got it nob hill.

home f troop.  meatloaf, mash gravy, peas carrots, bread stick.  i hung clothes took hour and half.  watching nimh and igor. 

2;30 too hot i went to seniors and watched movies in portable 'til 6;30 bought chicken and fish sandwiches burger king.  new behaviors i'm trying.  new tv show line up. 

all my problems

are mom.  my relationships to the world are based on my relationship to mom.  i only respond to people who hate and blame me.  i only love people who hate me.

my stomach is so sore.  the good part is my muscles are active and alive.  the pain is terrible horrible and finally accessible alive.  my pain is the lack of mother love i needed to develop.

i ate cheerios with aged milk almost yogurt.  if i leave milk out i can digest the altered lactose.

i'm considering going to senior center cooling station 2-8.  or not.

10 am channel 5.3 cesar 911.  puppy mill dogs.  i can learn new behaviors choices.  shut down.  depressed.  not wanting to be there.  no joy in living.  i was raised in a puppy mill.  i just need patience and time.  no wonder they're bitches.

my sore stomach.  swollen and painful i'm still using grapefruit c's.

3;30 watching classic nbc tv games.  'split personality' tom poston only show he hosted.  best part is the old time commercials.  92 o outside.  since my flu shot i feel cold.  my temp last dental visit was 96. 

7;00-93 o.  now i'm sweating.  feels good.  i used to hate sweating.  new me.

back cramping

those horrible immobilizing pelvic pains grapefruit relieves.  listening to secret cd relaxed me too.  feels like acid is dissolving my intestines.  all that vicodin i took for years.  i wonder doctors are so unconscious.  the pain ripples in peristalsis waves.  pain is exhausting burning through calories.  not a form of weight loss i'd recommend.

fierce hunger fights with fear of pain.  fear of food causing acid pain.  fear that gum will cause acid pain.

watching 'superman marathon' and 'medium' commercial asking for money for abused animals makes me so angry.  where were they when i was being burned, beaten and abused.  kids rights are more important.  human rights.  people make animals more important than people.  commercials for pet food.  what about kids.

waves of pain.

5;30 my eyes are stinging and burning from wind carried smoke. 

3 rainbow baggage straps

i bought them years ago probably a dollar each hoping i'd use them someday or pass them along to someone who needed them.  well, my green robe is missing its belt and the strap fits perfectly with a squeeze buckle so instant on/off.  i love when my seemingly nonsensical behavior proves invaluable.

i watched 'longevity film' and 'becoming nobody' ram dass' ode on death 'til 1;30.  he died 88 shortly after filming.  december 2019.  just before covid or not.  maui hawaii would have gotten it earlier than mainland. 

sitting seniors 9;46 #5 signal is very slow if at all.  i'm very blessed.  i looked on exalted email for jamie grable.  i had dream visitation prompted by jamie catto producer musician for ram dass.

i decided to do nothing.  i walked in the park.  all the avocados are gone.  i have bags of apples and oranges too.  straight home i'm feeling a little sad.  i'm a little tired.  nap attack.  'stuber'.

i re arranged some living room boxes for comfort.  sitting and new stretches.