the last piece of the puzzle? i hope and pray. i know mom was always ashamed of her mom. divorced to emigrate, starting over in a new world. how brave is that. mom saw it as shameful. mom loved diminishing me by recounting stories of me as a baby. how i disliked putting my dirty diapers in the bin, she said i was retarded walking and talking late. everyone carried me. i had aunts, uncles, cousins waiting on me. they loved me. she constantly emphasized being retarded and her amazement when i tested gifted in school. and i was punished for good grades. my sisters were lauded. this year with soc sec i won't qualify for fcc program stipend. tygj. i still want to get a therapist. i need a sounding board. shame is in my stomach. now i understand why sometimes my stomach muscles spasm. vibrating like butterflies beating their wings. i've never felt the diminishing so clearly before. back to toddler me.
No comments:
Post a Comment