i'm not ready

i misplaced phone.  i finally received cathy's card late mail.  i planned on calling late and forgot.  took into the bedroom.  thank god i found it.  no memory of it.

my phone caller id fry 5 pm gorges.  so i'm avoiding my phone.  my phone.  i'm afraid of my phone i'm not ready to date.  i'm feeling pressured.  i want to just float.  i can feel my self doubt and mistrust in my big belly.  my judgement is based on reacting to the family.  and tom was so the same.  where was i what was i doing.  

noon i tried calling Cathy card came late yesterday 8 pm i got distracted how i misplaced phone in bedroom.  front has witch riding broom cat sitting behind her says "i hate when she eats burritos."  inside says "hope your Halloween doesn't stink."  lol.  

wow i'm grateful.

 i have a peace filled calm life for the most part i love.  i dread listening to demands.  i'm avoiding the phone.  i'm afraid of disappointment.  

watching 2017 (the year eric died) movie joan and pauline collins.  the time of their lives.    so many of my buttons.  terrible reviews by ignorant critics without much life experience.  i saw it before still in death shock.  very cathartic today.  wanting life to be the best happiest possible.  my best life.

checked freebie none

picked up fruit and 8 am in car gorgis called demanding where was i.  not cool.  took my time checked freebie again nothing.  voice mail from cathy too early.  went to swim he waited at door.  parked first handicapped.  went in changed, showered he met me pool.  talked from edge an hour 'til his 9:30 meeting.  i showered checked freebie again teddy's soda.  4 pringles gave one to jessie and alex.  minute maid agua fresca not at safeway i wanted to try nothing like agua fresca.   

lunch i told gals in case he showed up.  first date in 40 years.  20 taking care of parents 20 recovering.  his uncool double ate alone.  freaky how similar.  got extra rice beans waiting with ron.  toke didn't receive shopping ads i had in lunch bag we read while last served.  i offered to teach online ads look up.  i wasn't hungry ate some pringles added corn flour yucky.  

faris han gorgis

came over started talking to me while i loaded my car.  i hung around to be polite and walter showed up so i could give him apricot wheat ale in trunk.  gorgi's fast.  reminds me of tom.

8:30 bedtime

i'm too tired to tolerate tv.  i picked up 'good karma #3' and puzzled 2 hours at sunny.  too sad.

ruh-oh feeling depressed-earth quakes 5.1-3.1 lunchtime

i changed the format.  no idea what i did.  or how.  or how to change it back.  i forgot chrome at home not missing it 'til seniors.  depressed i just do what i know.

i'm feeling so depressed.  nothing to do but confront and ride it out.  first time in my life i have nothing more important.  i've never felt more isolated and alone except ex marriage.  and mom's warning she'd kill me.  that's been coming back too.  

and---5:30 pm it changed back to comfortable format.  i watched jay leno trying so hard to give people money.  he's mellowed or i've mellowed or we've met somewhere in the middle.

i found voice mails from bank

still patelco.  i don't know.  

i'm feeling so depressed.  nothing has changed and yet i feel so immensely sad.  i just realized how i feel has nothing to do with today.  it's old sadness.  it's beatings i never deserved.  my shoulders and back have immense pain locked in the tissues.  i just want to die.  i've suffered too much pain.  the beatings locked into my body.  i feel sick.

everything hurts.  from 2 yr old pushed out the window onto the porch on my back.  kind of a miracle i survived my childhood or did i.  sister aiko claiming i fell.  i always gave her a pass knowing mom abused her.  i saw mom beating her often.  

i feel like sobbing.  i haven't felt this depressed for a long time.  maybe because it's mitzi's b month.  maybe just part of healing the tragedy that is my life at this point.  

i called bart per note he left with tokes croissants on porch.  he didn't remember note.