zen halloween

i'm feeling at one in the universe.  meditating on peace.  maybe it's the lack of stress.  my shoulders are so sore.  i need to find a closer bar than senior center to hang from to decompress my spine.  24 hour gym requires appointment.  look up local parks.

watching voting news on 36.3 world news.  american living in china vote by mail thinks it's a lot of work.  when i was bedridden i voted.  i couldn't physically go to vote without pushing myself beyond my physical limits.  mailing was much easier, the only reasonable option.  talk about perception.  

i wasn't sure about freebies; teddy's root beer or ginger ale at lucky's, 3 bridges egg bites at maria safe way.  i couldn't decide if i wanted to get dressed and forage.  finding in stores.  then 9;55 i let go and dressed, drove to lucky's for their last root beer.  supposed to get shipment but who knows.  safe way maria i went iris to wolf.  coming home i took detour.  

then i found bag of oat meal raisin cookies from toke.  she said she left them last night.  i was so hyper focused i never noticed.  talked half hour.  

then noon cathy called received socks and her only card she loves halloween.  we talked an hour she had stroke last week and tests this week results next week said she'd call i'll see.  i told her how 6 months chelation mom avoided triple bypass.  she's going to look into it.  avoid another stroke.  she'd had mini stroke before in beauty chair.  15 seconds out.  she called her sister to let her know and her sister like mine no help.  and her sister made sure cathy knew she wasn't invited for  thanksgiving.  OUCH!!  hurts.

twitchy 10/30

strange feeling.  stress from meeting new dentist.  

dr is great.  listened to me.  permanent crown tooth #13 and prepped #15 $355 half of total.  she's so good.  half hour appointment is perfect for my back neck.  she said no gum or crunchy bits on temporary crown.

picked up lunch car #13.  walked park.  feeling good.  safe way sushi free water no clearance.  home small casserole good.  1;30 hungry ate 2 inari 4 crunchy cal rolls.  

i found dvd in player.  i called library she said just put in baggie and drop in slot.  i worried damage.  i took 2nd trip gave to person.  whew!

1160 lawrence sta rd halloween

haunted house.  kids in grade school instinctively knew the energy.  it was weird.  kids i went to school with jefferson jr high told me they thought the house was haunted.  they were right.  when we moved in the left over energy dictated the behavior.  residual psychic energy.

barren spirits.  this house has always been empty of happiness.  i'm clearing the depression.  i instinctively felt the emptiness and filled the spaces with junk.  people fill emptiness with junk.  

getting is easier than having.  having requires maintenance.  

sports is all about physical contact.  surviving sleeping alone is new modern.  we mammals were raised to live in groups.  safety in numbers.  we don't have that.  sex addicts search for that sense of connection.  our bodies crave contact.  i was watching split second one contestant played women's rugby loved the scrum.  like children the first time on a soccer field play in a pack.  the running down field in soccer chasing the quarry.  football one tribe defending attacking another tribe.

$tore, seniors 9;36 #2.  did my half hour around center mound on east side a plethora of shepherds purse.  wonder if it's good for tags.  yesterday man sprayed around parking lot so who knows.  

i'm feeling timeless.  oh, my neck shoulder blades arms.  

returned islands of wonder, mae west, burnt orange heresy, final 4th season good place.  picked up fannie flagg's wonder boy hurrah!!

ate my weird cottage pie, roll, broccoli.  rested watching f troop.  watched pbs circus barnum bailey, ringling brothers, the history of american entertainment.

washed my hair readying for tomorrow meeting dr danielle weihle.  new people new anything stress.  

i guess that's why it takes me so long to use new things.  i had these rainbow luggage belts who knows how long before i thought of using one as a bathrobe belt.  slowly but surely i'm using my treasures.  like the 6 clearance tins of rescue pastilles i've had for years.  

i finally got my ballot.  news said i'm not alone.  others have missing ballots.

my omelet burrito

heaven.  i'm lying in my warm cozy bed eating my potato squash veg medley omelet burrito.  

i had a warm dream of my hub leaving for work popping his head in to apologize for a disagreement admitting he was wrong.  i give him a big hug saying i'd already forgotten it.  warm satisfying.

living the secret cd isn't totally comfortable.  change.  my aspergers is screaming danger.  i want love.

9;56 #4  well that's just weird.  somehow this blog set itself bold and medium.  i reset manually.  walked around park stretched.  oh, forgot legs stretch.  eh, home.  i'm improving forgiving accepting myself.  the verbal programming is less.  quiet and intermittent.  amazing i ever learned anything when it was constantly in my head.  i suppose that's one form of immortality.  living in someone else's head.  i wonder if other people realize it's a form of immortality.

exhaustion is from tension.  high blood pressure hypertension.  i come into the living room turning on recording and sit after eating lunch and my body is knotted up.  i consciously relax and i feel the blood rushing into starved muscles.  seniors are tired from tension.  maybe dad wasn't lazy but tired from tension.  he stopped moving when he retired, muscles growing weaker and weaker.  stress growing stronger and stronger.  maybe why hunger grows, from starving muscles.  i remind myself to relax my head.  i'm always leaning forward not relaxing.

big sigh.

i'm contemplating library pick ups.  i have holds at both.  and i'm first to request 'green lights' at main.  

i have shivers.  7 pm no internet.  i have tabs still connected and some not.  

yup-mudita

i made sure i saved everything and it was still here this morning.  then i published.  

with the stress pastilles i use less nicotine gum.  

i stayed in bed 'til 9.  9.  i've never done that not sick before.  woke 4 something, turned on player to watch 'good place'.  it was so mostly silly i didn't expect much but heaven is like i dream.  they took it a step further.  eternity is a long time i hadn't considered.  what comes after eternity.  having love eternally is perfect.  so what if only god loves me here.  

10;07 #6 car i thought about walking to post office but i wore clogs so no.  i walked around park talked to mirek.  someone harvested shepherd's purse.  ground undisturbed, roots still in place.  must be the young gal i talked to about removing tumors.  

$8.40 postage.  the flip female charged me for 2 packages at the post office.  for  2 $1 socks and 2/$1 cards.  we're worth it.  so $11.67 for happiness. 

i spent 2 days looking for the opposite to schadenfreude in my posts and finally looked at the instructions to find it.  bunches of stuff i'll never use.

feeling sad.  i watched 'burnt orange conspiracy' dvd.  i knew she was going to die.  she wouldn't shut up. i don't know.  i'm yelling at the movie shut up and run.  reminded me of my crazy family.  you don't get between them and what they want.  you run away.  mom threatened to kill me so many times.  i wanted to see mick jagger act.  he was ok.  i've been worried about watching dvds and then i remembered hurrah i have the portable as back up.  so i can watch anywhere.   rested 'til 4;30.

8 pm i'm suddenly so thirsty i drank 32 oz.  maybe the cobbler.

don't know what i'm doing

woke at 4;40 effortlessly changed dvd players considering plugging in vhs in living room.  when God's in charge energy added.  green light.  i requested from county.  i watched mae west dvd.  maybe she was before alice faye.  

9;57 #4 senior lunch line i'm learning how to be.  forgot phone charging.  home i still have 6 cooked drumsticks.  i ate 3 last night.  i had brown rice soup for breakfast.  just what i wanted.  comfort.  i didn't get a lot from family.  makes me shiver thinking of them.  i used to feel cold most of the time.  they were icebergs.  

i looked on 24 hour gyms now open 5 am-930 pm pool but no spa.  online appointments only.  so i'll wait.

i shuffled my pages.  i don't know i'm just so tired emotionally drained.  i used to be so good at not feeling anything now everything is too much.  could be the detox celery i ate.

folks don't realize everything we do online is observed and sold to marketing companies to get more money from us.  in the world it's not enough to be a good person, we must be perceived to be a good person.  and everyone online is projecting what they want to be not who they are.  feeling not enough.  i know that one intimately.  the easiest way to manipulate and control is fear and insecurity.  and family is so good at that.    

came straight home rinsed red pepper sauce off fish i ate with brown rice and greens.  basic housekeeping.

malthus in 1798 predicted plague as a population control along with war and famine.  i suppose covid has more to do with overpopulation than anything else.  if they hadn't cut down the forests forcing the bats into people populated areas we wouldn't have covid.  and if people didn't wantonly travel spreading it while polluting the planet more than necessary we wouldn't have it everywhere.  i wonder how the countries engaged in wars and genocides are doing.  population control. 

i'm feeling so much

dvd player malfunctioning.  i'm watching broadcast tv.  life is depressing.  fires, covid, tragedies, accidents.  

while i sleep, my life on the other side is happy with loving people. i don't want to do anything here. 

i'm feeling so many conflicting physical emotions.  oh, what to do.  

my blog is automatically saving now.  that's new. 

my shoulders, back are so sore, tight.  feels like i'm sprouting wings.  all the commercials, asking for money making me feel like i'm jumping out of my skin.  i can no longer ignore begging.  

living with the family i learned to cut off feeling or die.  

i'm vibrating generating love letting it flow out in waves.  

i'm crying, releasing pent up tears of a lifetime.