10 years

I SLEPT AT 9, AWOKE 11, 1 AM WATCHED FRESH OFF THE BOAT DVD, SLEPT 'TIL 6.  

I'VE BEEN GOING TO SENIORS 10 YEARS.  I STARTED BY JUST SHOWING UP, WORKING THE PUZZLE TABLE.  I WAS EXHAUSTED GETTING THERE.  THAT WAS MY GOAL.  THEN I STARTED EXERCISING.  JUST CHANGING WAS EXHAUSTING.  

SOMETIMES THERE WERE EXTRA LUNCHES IN THE NUTRITION PROGRAM, OTHER DAYS I BROWN BAGGED.  

I DECIDED MY JOB WAS PRAYING.  I SETTLED AT THE PUZZLE TABLE TO LEAN FORWARD AND FREQUENTLY DECOMPRESS MY BACK.

I GRADUALLY GOT STRONGER AND STARTED WEARING MY BACK BRACE WHILE DRIVING AS WELL AS ANY TASK THAT MIGHT THROW MY BACK OUT.  I INCLUDED PADDLING AROUND THE POOL.  IT'S COOLER TO OFFSET INFLAMMATION.

AND NOW I FEEL LIKE DANCING.

NURTURE

I'M FEELING DISTURBED THAT 3 IDENTICAL STRANGERS DEMONSTRATES THE EVIL IN SUPPOSEDLY CIVILIZED PEOPLE.

THE JEWISH DOCTOR ESCAPES NAZI GERMANY AND DOES HIS OWN EUGENICS EXPERIMENTS.  THE RECORDS ARE SEALED UNTIL 2066.  SO HE KNEW IT WAS EVIL.  WHY WOULD HE DO THAT.  HOW COULD HE BE SO EVIL.

IRONIC.  OR WAS THAT THE FREUDIAN INFLUENCE?  ONE OF THE TRIPLETS SHOOTS HIMSELF.  IT WASN'T THE ONE WHO LEAVES THE TRIAD.

ANOTHER DREAM WOKE ME.  I'M TELLING TOMAS WE WERE NEVER FRIENDS.  WHEN WE WERE DATING ANY TIME HE STARTED SEEING SOMEONE ELSE HE'D DROP ME.  EVERY 6 MONTHS.


I REFUSE TO BE DOOMED BY MY UPBRINGING AND LACK OF NURTURE.  I'M NURTURING THE HELL OUT OF MYSELF.

HAPPY SUNDAY

I MAXED MONOPOLY TICKETS.  I BOUGHT BLUEBERRY MUFFINS, TAPE, M&M PEANUTS.  $UNNYVALE PAPER, BURRITOS, FRITOS, FOUND 37 CENTS.  AT MARIA ALMONDS, SALISBURY STEAK, KRAB SALAD, KRAB CAKES.  AT LUCKY'S SALAD.  I GUESS I LOST THE $1.01 REWARDS I DIDN'T SPEND AT SARATOGA.  GOOD TO KNOW.  I STARTED FEELING DISORIENTED NO SMOKES AND WENT TO WALGREEN'S.

I DECIDED TO RETURN SOMATICS BOOK TO LIBRARY AND CHARGED CHROME AND PHONE.  I GOT HOME 4 PM AND MADE DINNER OF CREAMED PASTA/DICED HAM.  I WATCHED THE ENTIRE OSCARS.  I ATE 2 CUPS OF BAR MIX.  I STARTED TO FEEL FLU AND TOOK VITAMIN C.  ALL BETTER.

BETTER

YESTERDAY I HAD TO TURN IN CHROME TO MISSION SO I REQUESTED ONE FROM CENTRAL.  PICKED IT UP AFTER CAMPBELL, $TORE, SAFEWAY, TD DROPPED OFF $50 GIFT CERTIFICATE, SARATOGA LUCKY'S $20 REWARDS.

THE NEW CHROME IS SMALLER, LIGHTER, CUTER.  THE LARGER ONE WAS HARD ON THE WRISTS.   THIS WILL BE EASIER TO PACK.  HEAVENLY.

I'VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE 2:30 RE-RAISING MY INFANT SELF.  I'M PLAYING WORD FINDER, READING BEN FRANKLIN AUTOBIOGRAPHY, PICADILLY JIM, EATING DINTY MOORE CHICKEN AND DUMPLINGS FOR BREAKFAST.

MY FEET HURT FROM THE BELL PEPPERS IN THE SALAD I ATE YESTERDAY.  I'M STRETCHING MY ACHING LOWER BACK.

6 AM IS MUCH COLDER THAN 2;30.

FRESH OFF THE BOAT LAST NIGHT WAS INTERESTING AND COMPLICATED.  JESSICA WAS SO FOCUSED ON EVAN SUCCEEDING AT EVERYTHING SHE BLAMED AND PUNISHED EDDIE FOR TAKING EVAN TO THE ARCADE AFTER HE WON HIS FENCING MATCH.  EVAN PURPOSELY GETS SUSPENDED TO AVOID A LOSS IN FENCING AND DISAPPOINTING JESSICA.  HER INSISTENCE ON PERFECTION CAUSES A SERIES OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS.  IT'S NICE SEEING A HEALTHY ASIAN FAMILY.

SPOKE TOO SOON.  I LOOKED IT UP IN WIKIPEDIA AND MY GRAVITATION IS THAT EDDIE'S GRANDDAD KILLED HIMSELF TOO.  THEREFOR THE DRIVE FOR EXPRESSION AND FIGURING OUT THIS PUZZLE OF LIFE.  ASIANS HAVE A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE ON SUICIDE. 

THE SYNCHRONICITY IS I PICKED UP SEASON 1 NARRATED BY THE REAL EDDIE HUANG.

THREE IDENTICAL STRANGERS IS A DOCUMENTARY OF TRIPLETS SEPARATED AT BIRTH AND PURPOSELY ADOPTED TO 3 FAMILIES TO TEST NATURE VS NURTURE.  WHEW!  HOW NAZI IS THAT.

DREAM

I VISITED MR. AND MRS. MONACK IN HEAVEN AT 6:30 IN THE MORNING THEIR TIME EAST COAST.  I ENTER HOUSE FROM BACK YARD UNLOCKED GLASS DOOR.  SHE'S STILL HALF ASLEEP, THEY'RE SITTING ON THE COUCH IN THE FAMILY ROOM.  JIM HAS HIS ARM AROUND HER.  I SAY GOOD MORNING AND THEY'RE HAPPY TO SEE ME.  I CHANGE CLOTHES IN THE BATHROOM FROM BIB SHORTS TO LONG LOOSE LIGHTWEIGHT DENIM PANTS.  I LEAVE FROM THE FRONT DOOR DOWN STEPS AND CROSS 4 LANE STREET WAITING FOR LONG CAR TO TURN LEFT.

I'M AWAKE NOW.  I COULDN'T GET RECEPTION LAST NIGHT AND FELL ASLEEP MAYBE 9:30.  CONNECTION IS BEST AT 3.  ALL QUIET.

THE PAST

MY INTERVIEW WITH THE SC PSYCH STUDENT WAS AN HOUR.  HE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD.  LIKE WHAT WAS MY BEST CHILDHOOD MEMORY.  FOR KINDERGARTEN MY RED LEATHER MARY JANES WITH THE TASSELS.  AND ABOUT FRIENDS.  I WASN'T ALLOWED.  AILEEN AND MITZI LIED AND SNEAKED AROUND.  I WASN'T COMFORTABLE WITH THAT.  MOM WAS SURE OUTSIDERS WOULD STEAL.  MY SISTERS WERE THE THIEVES.  IRONIC. 

BACK TO 6

I FEEL SO DIFFERENT.  NOT LIKE MYSELF AT ALL.  CHANGE IS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

I'M TRYING TO THINK OF A FRAME FOR THE WEED EATER I COULD USE SO I DON'T HAVE TO CARRY IT.  TOO HARD ON MY BACK, NECK, SHOULDERS.  I DON'T KNOW HOW I MANAGED IN THE PAST.  IT'S KIND OF A MIRACLE I SURVIVED AT ALL.

SOMETHING THAT SUSPENDS IT A CERTAIN DISTANCE FROM THE GROUND.

WHEN I THINK OF CLEANING GUTTERS IN THE POURING RAIN, UP ON LADDERS I CRINGE.  YET I DID IT.  THE DEBRIS WAS WET AND PLIABLE.  IT TOOK ME HOURS MOVING THE LADDER A BIT AT A TIME.

I COULD BARELY MOVE AND SAT AND CUT WEEDS BY HAND.  OF COURSE, I COULDN'T EVEN HOLD A BOOK TO READ, MY HANDS DIDN'T WORK.  I GUESS I WAS BORED LITERALLY OUT OF MY MIND.

AMAZING WHEN THERE'S NO ALTERNATIVE.

8 pm.  GETTING READY FOR TOMORROW I PROMISED RUTH BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY, NOMINATED FOR 5 OSCARS.  I COULDN'T FIND BLOCKERS.  I SPENT AN HOUR RETRACING MY STEPS.  I HAD IT IN THE CAR TO RETURN.  I THINK I NEED THE JOLT.  IT'S FULL MOON AND I FEEL ENERGIZED.  I REALIZED EVERY MISTAKE, MISSTEP I MAKE TAKES ME BACK TO MOM'S THREATS OF KILLING ME.  SHE WAS FILLED WITH SO MUCH HATE.  MAKES ME SAD AND FULL OF ADRENALINE TO RUN AWAY.