so I'm back to desk top library. feels weird. new behaviors for my new life. I yelled at woman in locker room moaning complaining just like dad and Walter. NO!! I had to care for my mom and dad I'm done! I don't need anyone reminding me of my pain.
I went to central tech and John helped me on Nick's suggestion when I called the library in the morning. John tried then suggested off and on reboot. it worked.
Bezos and Musk. not enough money in the universe to satisfy them.
LOVE of money is the root of all evil. living backward.
men in pool tub have nothing to complain about just making lots of noise.
I corrected Korean woman bullying Jane to eat faster. not her mother go away. I got to speak up.
power out while I'm blogging so I have light and flashlight. cold, dark and nothing to do so to bed. and it's back on. must be test.
I puzzled 'til 9 soaked 9:30-10:30. lunch Fred, Toki, Walter. we talked over puzzle 'til 1:20 bingo. i'm so proud of the great inner work he's doing. I suggested a wife with family. he's thinking about it. bingo size more challenging.
Lucky's 2 dozen Egg land best, 3 party chips. home. I'm feeling tired.
I feel surprisingly calm. I usually stress myself. I'm content.
I woke typically terrified. the family did a number on me. old terror rising. I drove past DMV at 6:47 am 47 degrees people outside waiting. I have lots of terrified company.
old depression rising. talking to Dino about Mike Winn I realized how much his choices like dad's death saddened me, I cried and the cloud lifted. at least for now. I just miss Eric too.
I tried the DMV website. at least it has usage graphs. I have 2 complete weeks.
I considered sewing tonight not tomorrow at Sunny Vale. too cold and my priorities tomorrow bingo exercise. next Monday no hot lunch.
The connection is spotty and once connected I can go all over the library. i puzzled and when I calmed down I remembered. I did my updates and puzzled 'til 5.
I need love. I keep wondering why they never loved me. my friends love me. my teacher loves me. lots of people love me not my family. just cruelty and jealousy. makes me sad for them. what you put out you get back. simple physics.
life is what we want it to be.
I can still hear ex whining, ooh, same as mom 'not what they want' yet they do nothing to change anything, the definition of insane.
at 8 I dressed for Costco gas. drove in, filled up, drove out deciding to check north Walmart. bought shakes, 2 beets, extra back brace.
used nob hill internet and bought salad and burritos. left pomegranates for Me Me. and home 9:30.
time to let my soul catch up.
how I avoided bad drivers for 57 years I don't know. must have been my family armor.
weird day.
I soaked an hour at seniors and pondered what to do. I decided St Just for lunch pick up then Star One deposit and county library. Cupertino star 1 closed Saturdays. I returned and borrowed at the county library. straight to Walmart closed no power. then to the open Star One and the main library. success finally.
1 pm eating lunch and considering book sale I forgot. I browsed but nothing I want. sunny book sale tomorrow.
feeling a little sad leaving behind the old life bits of myself. separation and change are uncomfortable. especially for me.
neck rehab from '72 and '14.
a plastic tub of candied fruit fell off the shelf to the floor. i picked it up and put it back. i didn't know it was cracked and leaked syrup over the shelf onto the floor. i brushed against the shelf and got it over my clothes. i didn't notice the floor until after I'd tracked through it over the house. i soaked up as much as i could with papers and i'll let the ants clean up the rest. I've become so relaxed.
